One of the most common times for someone to become difficult is when they believe that you’re not going to get an assignment done––whether it’s because you’re incompetent, lazy, or you just don’t have what it takes.
Convinced you’re not up to the task, a person can act out in any number of annoying ways. Three favs:
The Steamroller––will push you aside verbally, authoritatively, and even (though seldom) physically. They literally want you out of their way.
The Sniper––will handle you in a more subtle, lethal way. They’ll toss off a seemingly innocent question or comment that sinks into your psyche and makes you wonder if they’re dissing you. You begin to second guess them––and yourself. They want to confuse and hopefully embarrass you in front of others.
The Know-It-All––will dump all that they know (and they know a lot) on you. They don’t respect your competency and want to remind you of just how little you know compared to them. They’ll dominate a conversation, lacing it with all the faults they readily find in your work and your thinking.
It’s vital for your mental well being that you know how to protect yourself. If you don’t, you’ll slump along feeling inadequate and overwhelmed.
How do you deal with people when they’re annoyed because they believe you’re not able to get a job done?
Don’t give them what they want!
Huh?
Because these folks are acting out in a passive-aggressive way, this has now become a game for them with the goal of making you feel like crap. So, you can spoil their fun by not giving them what they want.
What do they want?
The Steamroller wants you to feel intimidated. Don’t be! Hold your ground––not by becoming defensive or by yelling or crying––rather, by listening, then interrupting, so as to acknowledge their point and assert yourself: Jill, I see you’re upset and worried AND I want you to know that you and I both want what’s best for this project. Let me quickly review the specific steps we’re taking. . .”
Reassure, offer specifics, call the person by their name (calling someone by their name has the power to snap them out of their self-imposed emotional trance), be calm, make sure your non-verbal matches your verbal.
The Sniper––wants you to feel uneasy and hopefully embarrassed. More times than not, others present at the encounter know what’s going on and feel relieved that the game is being played with you and not them.
Take charge of the moment. Play dumb. When the Sniper tosses out a question or comment that you sense is intended to show you up, respond with an “innocent” question such as, I’m not sure I understand what you mean; what are you saying? A Sniper doesn’t want to have to explain their passive-aggressive remark, as it spoils their fun. More times than not, they’ll have to back track.
The Know-It-All––wants you to feel stupid. If you know that you’re going to be working with a Know-It-All, then you better know it all. If not, you’re leaving yourself open to ridicule.
If you’ve done your work and know what you need to know, then, when the Know-It-All attempts to silence you with a data-dump, assertively, collegially, interject your thoughts:
Mike, I agree absolutely with you AND I’d just add. . .
Let you’re non-verbal convey that you are confident and not feeling bamboozled. Look the person in the eye, smile in agreement, feel like a colleague and not the quaking high- schooler you may be feeling like!
Bottom line: don’t let them see that you’re rattled––that’s what they want. Understand why the other person is being difficult and then you can adjust your communication strategy.
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