How To Really Give Thanks!

A few weeks ago I officiated a memorial service for George (name changed), a man I’d never met.  A trusted neighbor, who had attended a wedding I officiated, referred George’s family to me.  At eighty-five he had been a trusted doctor, researcher, husband, father, friend.  For those who knew him, he was a legend.

On the afternoon of the service, George’s backyard was filled with over a hundred people, all eager to tell their own special “George” story.

Issak Dinesen, author of “Out Of Africa,” believed that “any sorrow can be endured if a story can be told about it.”  And so it was that afternoon.  I marveled at the remarkable (and funny) tales these people shared. 

At memorial’s end, I reminded folks that what we were doing was important, but next day, there will be that haunting question, “now what?”  The playwright Thornton Wilder claimed that, “The highest tribute to the dead is not grief, but gratitude.”  And the only way we truly show gratitude is by doing.

I urged everyone in the days ahead to reflect on the particular gifts that George had given to each of them and then to be for others what he had been for them.  That is the surest way to honor his memory and keep his legacy alive.  That is true Thanksgiving.

The irony today is that there’s so much going on during Thanksgiving Day that there’s no longer enough time to actually give thanks!  BUT, when the Black Friday madness dies down and the leftovers are gone, I encourage you to take a moment to commit to being for others what some personal hero of yours has been for you.

There’s more, though!  I was struck during the celebration of George’s life at how people were talking with each other.  No one sat alone; no TV was blaring in the background.  People were talking, laughing, smiling with glistening eyes.  There was food and booze aplenty, so that if you walked in off the street, you might mistake it for a wedding reception.

I’ve no doubt that most of those people live busy lives; yet, they found time to come to this celebration.  Maybe it’s easier to make time if you know it’s the final celebration than if it’s just a regular lunch with a friend, BUT I wondered – if we lived with more gratitude would we spend more time with people?

Can you really give thanks alone?  Thanks has to be with others.

The classic question is: “If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?”  Answer that and you’ll know how to give genuine thanks. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The "Secret" To Successful Business Relationships

Last week I met my friend Becky (names changed) for dinner.  Joining us was Jerold, a colleague of hers, who was interested in having me guest lecture in his class (college).  I arrived early at the hole-in-the-wall restaurant.  While standing at the host counter, I looked around and spotted a woman staring intently at me.  She began waving me over and then yelled across the room, “Are you here for Jerold and Becky?”  Turns out she’s Jerold’s daughter, Sally.  She’d landed at LAX an hour before, having come from a Tokyo vacation.  She knew her dad was having dinner here and thought she’d surprise him.

Sally had heard Jerold mention me and asked, “What is it you do again?”  I didn’t get far into my “elevator speech” before she interrupted me.  She whipped out her cell phone and proceeded to give me a recap of her 5-star vacation – with a complete breakdown of how much she spent.

At first I thought I was being punked by MTV or Betty White!  But then I wasn’t sure how I felt.  Bewildered – insulted – amused?  Who was this woman?

I asked where she works and it turns out she’s a financial advisor at a firm that handles my money.  A connection!  Instead, she simply said, “Guess I can’t get you as a client.”

I tried another tack since I’d visited Tokyo years ago.  I told her that I had lived on an island in the South Pacific and on my way home to NYC, I stopped off in Japan.  She asked if the island had any resorts and when I told her we didn’t even have Wi-Fi, she dismissively said, ”Don’t think I’ll be going there.”

I actually was amused and “somewhat” charmed by her exuberance.  Yes, she was scattered, but not in a mean way.  But, she was scattered.  In that respect, she’s like me and you and so many of us.  It’s easy to get self-absorbed.

She reminded me that, when we’re scattered, we can’t focus on “what” and “who” is important.  And the “who” is always the person in front of you.  Sally was happy to meet me, but I could have been anyone.  All she wanted was someone she could talk to about her vacation until her dad arrived.  Essentially, I was a prop.

Clients often ask how they can become more interesting.  Well, the tried-n-true way to become more interesting is to make the person you’re with feel like they are interesting.  And the way to do that is by asking questions, engaging in conversation, exploring points of commonality.

To be able to talk WITH someone and not AT someone – now there’s the “secret” to building successful relationships!

Coming To The Edge Of Fear

I collect quotes – I’ve got half-a-dozen journals filled with quotes.  A couple of weeks ago, I opened a journal and came across this quote from the French poet, Apollinaire:   “Come to the edge, Life said. We are afraid, they said.  Come to the edge, Life said.  They came to the edge.  Life pushed them and they flew.”   I shared this quote with my client Eugenie (name changed) a few days ago.

Eugenie loves to read self-help books.  She’s even thought that someday she’d like to work as a motivational speaker.  For now, though, she’s a computer analyst at an international tech company.  This past year she’s been asked to give guided tours to inner-city middle-schoolers.  The hope is that the kids can see there is a wide choice of careers in life and especially that girls can have a role to play in the high-tech world.

Eugenie is not as comfortable as she’d like to be when speaking.  While she does an adequate job, she knows she could be so much better.  One of the things that puzzle her is the issue of ‘enthusiasm’.  She’s concerned that if she’s too excited, too “bubbly” in her talk with the kids, they won’t take her seriously. 

Eugenie has convinced herself that giving these kids the facts of what she does, without too much enthusiasm, will let them see that what she does is serious and important work.  Passion, though, is just what these kids need to see in a grown-up!  They need the love.

I pointed out that someday she hopes to become a motivational, self-help speaker, so why not start now?  She looked stunned when I asked this.  She explained that her work is not inspiring and is rather mundane.  When I asked why she does it, she quickly responded, “Oh, I enjoy it!”  She then elaborated on all the aspects where she derives satisfaction. 

I again asked why she thinks sharing the pleasures of her job would make kids not take her seriously.  I then challenged her with, “Why not use these school tours as an opportunity to practice being a motivational speaker?”

She responded with the all too familiar words: “I’m afraid I won’t do a good job.”  “You mean a ‘perfect’ job” I corrected her.  She smiled.

In my post for Labor Day, I told you about my “Go Big! Go Bold!” challenge where I urged you to commit to doing something you’ve put off doing for too long.  The truth is, you don’t have to do something huge in order to “go big.”  Little things can be bold things.

I suggested to Eugenie that she doesn’t have to turn her entire talk into a motivational spiel.  All she has to do is something she’s never done before in her talk.  That means, all she has to do at the end is say something like, “As much as I enjoy my job, I know that I won’t be working at this company forever – because there are so many things I want to do in life, with my life.  And you can, too.”

If Eugenie says those two sentences to the kids, she will have done something bold.  She will have gone to the edge of her fear and allowed Life to push her.  I guarantee she’ll fly.