5 Questions To Kick Off 2014

My godson Finn’s new fav word is “startled” and I have to admit that I’m feeling startled that 2013 has reached its end!

Newscasters, bloggers and anyone with an opinion all are offering their various “Top 10” lists, while motivational gurus are prepping us on how to plan for 2014.  And, yes, I’m feeling the pressure to join in.

I spent weeks toying with my own “Top 10 Ways To Make 2014 The Best Year Ever!” but eventually I realized I had my focus out of whack.  I couldn’t suggest ways to plan for 2014 until I’d made sense of my own 2013.

Before you plan for the future, you have to make sense of the past.  There’s no point in making New Year’s resolutions until you acknowledge the good of the previous year.

Albert Einstein believed that “there are only two ways to live life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is.”  To help me reflect on the “miracles” (yes, that is a loaded word) in my 2013 life, I asked myself five questions:

1.     What did I learn in 2013? 

2.     Who inspired me? 

3.     What gave me pleasure? 

4.     What or who surprised me? 

5.     What am I grateful for?

I stared at these questions for a long, long time.  I think I felt stumped because during the year I hadn’t stopped enough times to take stock of where I was or where I was going.  It was all rushrushrush. 

Eventually, I was able to answer wholeheartedly each of those five questions.  In the coming weeks I’ll explain my answers.  For now, though, here’s the outline of my answers and I hope it coaxes you into finding your own answers. 

In 2013 I learned to ask for what I want.  I was inspired by a groom who was willing to hit rock bottom before allowing himself to find true love.  I realized with a newfound sense that I enjoy giving keynote talks, not because I like to hear myself speak, but rather, because of the great conversations that take place afterwards with interesting people.  I was surprised by how I made a new friend who has opened unusual doors for me.  And lastly, I’m most especially grateful to a client whose generosity taught me how to respect myself more than I’ve been doing.

Taken together those five “miracles” reminded me that nothing is more important than the day at hand.  If I can remember the insights gained, I think I’ll be able to live 2014 more mindfully and more generously.

What about you – what are your answers to those five questions?  May your answers give you a happy and fulfilling 2014!

The Feast Of Surprise

A down-and-out character in Tennessee Williams’ play “Small Craft Warnings” asks this question: “What is the one thing you must not lose sight of in this world before leaving it?  Surprise.  The capacity for surprise.”

Christmas is one of the great stories of “surprise.”  A virgin birth, an angelic choir to greet a long-anticipated savior in the stinkiest of settings, are the surprise highlights in a story that ripples with the unexpected.

No matter one’s beliefs, I think it does us good to reflect on our own individual capacity for being surprised – by life and perhaps, most especially, by our own self.  Can you still surprise yourself?

The mad rush to year’s end, beginning at Thanksgiving, accelerates the freneticism of our daily routines.  We want some holiday cheer, some Christmas “spirit,” whatever that spirit actually means and feels and looks like.  But because we’ve been planning, organizing, shopping and juggling we just end up losing sight of the “why” of it all.

For some that “why” has a religious answer and for others it has some other, ill-defined answer.  But no matter – we’re still left with the reality that “surprise” is embedded within the DNA of this holiday.  Even the most famous secular Christmas story, “A Christmas Carol,” is the tale of a nasty old man who is given the surprise of his life – past, present and future!

The great gift of this celebration is the gift of being open to surprise.  And why is this gift so extraordinarily crucial?  Because life without surprise is not life.  It’s just monotonous, deadening, robotic routine.

To keep Christmas in one’s heart all year round is to promise to be a bearer of surprise in all things great and small.  It’s mindfully being willing to do the unexpected, the unanticipated and the unlooked for.  To surprise people with small courtesies as simple as opening a door or sending a thank-you.  To surprise the seemingly idiotic with patience.  To surprise the beggar with a dollar.  To surprise a friend with a lunch date.

And it means being willing to surprise your own self – to be kind to your own self – to not punish yourself with food that makes you sluggish, with delayed projects that derail your credibility or with dreams deferred that cause you to walk away from yourself.

To surprise your self by doing what you’ve put off doing because of fear.

This is a time for surprise and light and birth in ways unfamiliar and unnerving.  This is a time to once again resolve to live with courage.

Life, in all its messy glory, is what animates the deepest yearnings of December 25^th in both its religious and secular manifestations.

Merry Surprise!

How Shag Carpeting Made Me The Man I Am

The Russian novelist Tolstoy believed that the greatest gift we could give a person is a happy memory from childhood. 

I’m fortunate to have numerous happy memories from childhood and the ones I most cherish are linked with my grandmother, “Nanny Prize”.  From this vantage point in time I now realize what an unusual woman she was – which is a nice way to say she was something of an oddball!

For thirty-five years she was a prison guard on Riker’s Island, the largest prison in NYC.  She retired her billy club at the age of seventy-two.  To look at her, you’d have thought she sold cosmetics at Macy’s.  She had been widowed in her early thirties and raised my father by herself.  She had no friends.  Her job was her life, but my brother, Peter, and I gave her life.

Throughout grammar school, Peter and I spent almost every weekend at her Bronx apartment – a place we dubbed “Freedom Land”.   Unlike our mother, Prize let us have the run of her place, letting us do as we pleased.  And so Peter and I turned each room into a magical setting.  Before there was Hogwarts, there was my grandmother’s apartment!

The great gift Prize gave us – above all else – was the gift of setting our imaginations wild and grounding it all in ritual.  In her home, there were no rules, no “shoulds,” just a sense of play – creative, imaginative and anchoring.

How did she do this?  Well, she had the entire apartment wall-to-wall carpeted in green shag so as to give the appearance of grass.  She wanted us to imagine that we were on a farm or in the woods.

She saved the boxes her end tables came in and we propped them in the living room, creating a tree house.  In an adjoining room, that probably should have been the dining room, she had a day-bed that was used as our pirate ship and a legless ironing board was the gangplank that poor Peter had to walk.

Every weekend, without fail, we ate pizza on Friday, steak on Saturday and fried chicken on Sunday.  We played checkers and Pokeno and watched the same TV shows weekend after weekend.

We loved our days at “Freedom Land”.  With Prize as Oz, we created a safe world that nourished our imaginations and gave us order and meaning.  That was ritual – not routine.

I now realize that the gift of those happy memories influenced everything I’ve done as a teacher and coach, uncle and godfather.

Here’s the thing: holidays can either sap our energy or renew us.  It really all depends on our rituals.  What do you do each year that creates happy memories? 

Old Habits Really Do Die Hard

In prepping for December musings, I reread last Thanksgiving’s posting and was shocked because this year I did exactly what I encouraged you NOT to do last year!  Here’s an excerpt from that column:

“what should you do with the relatives that drive you batty?  Change.  Change the way you deal with them because, if you don’t change, and they’re not going to change, then nothing is going to change and the 2012 holidays will again end up being from hell!

Here’s what to do.  First think about who’s on your ‘naughty’ list.  How do they press your buttons?  Why do they have the ability to press those buttons?  Once you’re aware of what they’re doing, then you can decide if you’re going to allow them to upset you.” 

Although I stick by what I wrote, it’s harder to do than my cheery tone might imply!  This year I went to John and Mary’s for dessert (names changed).  John’s parents were at the table when I arrived.  I’ve known them for many years and while they’re more socially and theologically conservative than I am, we’ve had a mutual affection. 

As soon as I sat down, John’s mom made a statement that centered on the two things you shouldn’t bring up at a holiday meal – religion and politics.  What she said was factually incorrect and I instantaneously became irritated.  My answer was snappish, though I pulled back (I think) in time before turning into a rude guest.  John’s mom had a sarcastic comeback and I upped it!  We both knew what had happened and we backed off.

I’m embarrassed that I snapped.  I teach, write and speak about dealing with difficult people and in the heat of that moment, none of it meant anything.  I’m humbly reminded that, truly, old habits die hard.

Why did I care what this woman blathered on about?   Well, she was wrong and I was “right” and here’s what went through my brain at lightning speed: “I think you’re being stupid and therefore I’m going to fix you – at the dinner table – and I better do it quickly because I only see you once a year.”  With that kind of thinking, who’s the “stupid” one?!

Truth be told, what I’m really annoyed about is that I’m not perfect and I wasn’t the person I wanted to be.  I don’t want to be the smug guy who’s snappish with little old ladies who love Limbaugh! 

Here’s the thing - if you know you’re going to be spending time over the holidays with people who can push your buttons, be mindful of who you want to be and how you want to behave.

We always have a choice.

Right This Moment. . .

I recently came across this reflection snippet from Danielle LaPorte.  I don’t know the context from which this comes, but it has grabbed my imagination and challenged me to ask myself, “what am I doing in this moment and will it eventually benefit someone?”

Read this and see if you’re similarly challenged. . .

right now:

·      Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

·      Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

·      Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

·      Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.

·      Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche—this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessible to you.

·      Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable.

·      Someone is curing the incurable.

Thank You ISES LA!

photo: verophoto.com

This past Monday I had the delight of talking at ISES LA’s first “Meet The Master’s” Speaker Series. 

The good and talented folks at TheMark For Events offered us a savory lunch in a relaxing ambiance.  Special thanks to Stephanie Reynolds (no relation – unfortunately!) who invited me to speak and to Veronica Puelo of Verofoto for some candid snaps that captured the overall laid-back spirit of collegiality that animated the event!

If you’d like a copy of my PDF: “Dealing With Challenging Clients,” which I gave to those attending, please shoot me an email:  jp@jpr-communications.com

Thanks!

~JP

Beyond Great Advice For Thanksgiving!

Before you celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow, you MUST read this NYTimes piece -

In the End, It’s NotAbout the Food

By COREY MINTZ   NYTimes /  November 26, 2013

TORONTO — In Canada, where I’m from, Thanksgiving is over already. We celebrated on your Columbus Day, and if it offers any solace as you grow increasingly (or maybe just a little bit) anxious in these final hours, ours turned out fine.

Enlarge This Image

Katherine Streeter

We ate pretty much the same things you will cook tomorrow. I’m sure your menu and your meal will be swell. But I am here to argue that it matters less than you imagine.

Over the last few years, I’ve held 201 dinner parties for a newspaper column up here (mine, actually) called Fed. I’ve learned that the food is less important than the company and a little bit of graciousness. Call it hospitality, or entertaining.

A generation of food television, with its ticking clocks and well-lit close-ups, has brainwashed us into believing dinner is a competition. Our manners have atrophied. We are now willing to put so much thought and effort into what we eat — making cronuts at home, name-checking the latest hot restaurants, leading a torch-and-pitchfork mob against gluten — that we’ve lost our understanding of how to eat with people.

We have been reduced to a society of boors by stripping dinner of joy in our attempts to reproduce complicated chef food in our homes.

If I were to offer Thanksgiving advice, it wouldn’t be about what kind of bird to buy or which dessert to bake. It would be to remember that you are hosting a version of a dinner party, and that the same etiquette — taking your guests’ coats and getting them a drink, making them feel comfortable, feeding them in a timely manner, serving food with confidence and ending the evening on a high note — is just as appreciated by your family as by anyone else you would bring to your table. Maybe more.

The focus should be on making your guests feel good.

Continue reading. . .

A Tale Of Three "Thank-Yous"

A belated “thank-you.”  Vanessa, a student in one of my UCLA Extension courses, hadn’t made a favorable impression.  She had missed three out of ten classes and never apologized or explained why she had missed class. Ironically, this was a course on interpersonal communication.

However, a week after the course ended, she emailed me to say that she had enjoyed and benefited from the class.  Of sixteen participants, she was the only one who had written a note of thanks! 

A “missed thank-you.”  Alex had another UCLA course with me.  He was from Germany and there had been a snag with registration so I let him join class in the third week.  I made allowances for his catching-up on assignments and I often talked with him after class, answering his questions.  (When I had lived overseas I was grateful for the kindnesses that had been offered me).

At the end of last class, as he was readying to walk out, Alex simply waved “bye” from the door.  I quickly walked over and wished him well as I shook his hand.  He seemed surprised.  Yet, how much time had I spent talking about what goes into relationship building and networking?  I was disappointed that he seemed to have forgotten it all.

A “surprise thank you.”  Last month, I visited my friend Clarice up in Oakland.  She took me to her fav shoe store where I readily spotted a pair I liked.  Unfortunately, they didn’t have my size.  Maxwell, the clerk, told me that he was holding a pair in my size for a customer who said he’d be back before closing.  He assured me that if the guy didn’t show, he’d call me.  As a born New Yorker, I was too skeptical to believe him; but, he did call and the shoes were mine.

When I stopped by to pick them up, Maxwell had them packed and ready.  Later, when I opened the shoe box, I found this handwritten note:

J.P. Thanks for shopping with us today.  I’m glad you were able to get these special shoes and I appreciate your patience.  Come say ‘hi’ next time you’re in town!  Thanks, Maxwell

With that kind of service, of course I will!

So, here’s the thing – Thanksgiving is a time for feasting with friends and family and in their company giving thanks for the gifts of this past year.  Thanksgiving, though, shouldn’t be a one-day “thing” – it should be the culmination of a year chock-full of giving thanks moments.  Ordinary opportunities to say “thanks” daily swirl about us.

Let us paraphrase Scrooge and join him saying,  "I will honor Thanksgiving in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”    

Cheers!

The Worth Of This Day

Last week I picked up a friend and we headed off to a party in Hollywood.  We drove north on Ventura Blvd, towards Laurel Canyon, which we were going to use to get over to the other side of town.  As you may know, the Ventura / Laurel Canyon intersection is always jammed and if you miss the light, you’re stuck.  As we approached Carpenter St, my friend told me to turn onto it.  I was confused – we needed Laurel.  She yelled, “turn!” and so I did.

I’m embarrassed to admit that although I’ve lived in this area for almost twenty years, I’d never turned down Carpenter.  I was surprised to find that it’s a short cut onto Laurel.  Yes, I can be a dope when it comes to directions!

After all these years, why hadn’t I driven down Carpenter before now?  Habit.  Just habit, laziness and a woeful lack of curiosity.

The novelist, James Still, once gave an aspiring writer this advice: “discover something new every day.”  I think that’s inspiring advice no matter what you’re aspiring to be!  However, to discover something new, you have to be curious.  You have to have eyes that see.  You have to live not out of habit.

My niece Mary graduated from the University of Colorado, Boulder last May.  My brother, his wife, my other niece Gracie and I stayed at the Boulderado – the oldest hotel in Boulder.  The lobby is chock-full of vintage “stuff” including a hundred year old guest register that is open each day to the corresponding date.  The lobby is a veritable museum.

I was pointing out antique curiosities to my sister-in-law and each time she registered surprise, saying, “I didn’t notice that before.”  Finally, exasperated, she acknowledged that although she had stayed at the hotel whenever she’d visit Mary during the last four years, she’d never noticed any of this stuff.  She marveled that I spotted it all so quickly.

Beth works in finance.  She’s purpose driven and that’s spilled over to life outside work.  For Beth, a lobby is simply a place you go to check-in.  That’s all that matters.

The great architect Mies Van Der Rohe was quoted as saying that “God is in the details.”  Even if you’re an atheist, the truth is that details are what make life interesting.

The German writer Goethe was guided by the belief that, “Nothing is worth more than this day.”  I’ve always liked that sentiment.  But without “curious seeing” a day is just a habit.  And so my newly embraced resolve is to discover something new each day – to drive a different route; read a blog I haven’t visited; ask “why?” more often.

Care to join me?

Being Best

 I drive a 2001 Toyota Highlander and recently clocked 200.000 miles on it.  I’ve never had a car for this long.  Sure, a new car would be nice, but this SUV suits me just fine.

I bought it at North Hollywood Toyota – and, no, this isn’t a paid advertisement!  For much of the time, Julio has been my service rep.  He’s friendly; he’s taken the time to get to know me; and, hey, he appreciates my twisted sense of humor.

Okay, so actually we bonded over a crazy woman who yelled at me one day when I’d brought the car in for servicing.  She told me to stay away from her and I was mortified. I was convinced they wouldn’t let me on the property again!  Turns out, I wasn’t the only man she mistook for her hated ex-husband and I wasn’t the first hapless customer she’d yelled at.

I know nothing about cars, but I do know that I’ve got 200,000 miles on my car because I’ve listened to Julio’s recommendations these many years.  I’ve learned to trust him.

I’m often asked to speak to companies about customer service.  On Amazon, you can find over 93,000 books (!) on the topic of “customer service.”  That’s a lot of writing about a topic that, in its essence, is a no-brainer.  We talk a lot about “good” customer care vs. “great” customer care.  I’d argue, though, that real care is always great care and that’s what Julio gives me.  What makes it great?  How I feel when I give him the keys to my car - I don’t worry.  There’s no better feeling.

I was reminded of this last week when I went in for an oil change.  I also was reminded of the flip side of customer care – being a customer who cares.

I observed people come in to the service department stressed, unsmiling, abrupt and snapping, “How much?”  “When?”  “I need it sooner!”  They were customers who showed little respect for the service reps. How easy it is to treat a rep as an “it” and not a person with a name.

Although these customers most likely experienced being treated as an “it” sometime that week at their own work, it doesn’t excuse rudeness.

Here’s the thing - when I go to Julio, to the supermarket, to the cleaners or to one of my workshops, it doesn’t matter how I feel because how I feel is not the “problem” of any one of those people.  My feelings are my responsibility.

People who offer me service deserve my best because I deserve their best – and “best” is contagious.  That’s what Julio reminded me.

How generous are you with your “best”?

I'm Speaking November 25th at ISES LA

 

 

Meet the Masters Speaker Series: Dealing with Challenging Clients

Summary

ISES LA Education Event is Proud to Present our first Meet the Masters Speaker Series with Guest Speaker JP Reynolds!

Join us for an education session that is a practical skills-building presentation that will demonstrate how to deal constructively with clients, team members and vendor colleagues when their behavior is unpleasant and difficult. A few things you will take away from the presentation: what all difficult people have in common, how to listen so as to get heard, and how to emotionally vacate yourself so as to maintain your composure under fire.

We will be hosting this event at The Mark for Events which is LA's newest, full-service venue and event space. From grand parties of four hundred to intimate soirees of fifty, our philosophy is simple—we want both your event and your planning experience to be the best. We work with you every step of the way to make it custom tailored to your needs—from food, music, décor, rentals, flowers and more, we can be your "one-stop resource" for all your event needs. We are also happy to supply you with the event space with food and beverage only.

Schedule of Events
11:00am Registration and Networking
12:00pm Lunch
1:00pm Presentation from JP Reynolds

Don't miss our 1/2 year Membership Special for $199! Join ISES on November 25th and we will waive the $50 Registration Fee AND invite you to attend our next event for Free. (new members only)
ISES LA Education Event is Proud to Present our first Meet the Masters Speaker Series with Guest Speaker JP Reynolds!

Join us for an education session that is a practical skills-building presentation that will demonstrate how to deal constructively with clients, team members and vendor colleagues when their behavior is unpleasant and difficult. A few things you will take away from the presentation: what all difficult people have in common, how to listen so as to get heard, and how to emotionally vacate yourself so as to maintain your composure under fire.

We will be hosting this event at The Mark for Events which is LA's newest, full-service venue and event space. From grand parties of four hundred to intimate soirees of fifty, our philosophy is simple—we want both your event and your planning experience to be the best. We work with you every step of the way to make it custom tailored to your needs—from food, music, décor, rentals, flowers and more, we can be your "one-stop resource" for all your event needs. We are also happy to supply you with the event space with food and beverage only.

Schedule of Events
11:00am
Registration and Networking
12:00pm
Lunch
1:00pm
Presentation from JP Reynolds

Don't miss our 1/2 year Membership Special for $199! Join ISES on November 25th and we will waive the $50 Registration Fee AND invite you to attend our next event for Free.
(new members only)

*Free Valet Parking*

CLICK HERE FOR MORE DETAILS & TO REGISTER