Sunday, August 24, 2014

A Labor Day Challenge – Go Big! Go Bold!



Last week I popped into Gelson’s to pick-up a loaf of bread.  Walking by the bakery section, I spotted a bag of dinner rolls and also grabbed those.  The check-out clerk rang up the bread and rolls and then asked me, “For here or to go?”  Huh?  Confused, I said, “To go – don’t think I can eat all this bread in one sitting!”  He smilingly assured me, “The register prompted me to ask – I wouldn’t have on my own.  I’m not that crazy!”  Really?  Given that he “obeyed” the register when prompted to check if I was going to stay and eat a loaf of bread and six dinner rolls does make me wonder if he isn’t a teensy bit crazy!

Next day, I met with a group of managers at Pine Hill Industries (name changed) who were frustrated with inter-departmental communication.  At one point, a manager who’s been with the company twenty years, smiled and said, “Hey, it’s the ‘Pine Hill Way’ and there’s nothing we can do.”  Really?  You can’t develop effective methods? 

Once again I’m reminded of Thoreau’s observation: “There is nothing so rare as an act of your own.”

Last Labor Day, my friend Sue threw a party for folks she hadn’t seen in a while.  With drinks flowing, Ella, one of the guests, mentioned she recently did something she’d wanted to do for a long time and hadn’t allowed herself to do – she started playing guitar again.  And she loved it!

Soon, each of us was confessing to what we had wanted to do for a long time and had simply not gotten around to it.  That’s when we challenged each other – to commit to doing something we’ve put off doing for way too long.

I dubbed this the “Go Big!  Go Bold! Challenge” – and you didn’t have to have a bucket of cold water dumped on you!

A study at the Wharton School of Business found that people are more likely to pursue a goal after a major holiday (for reasons too abstruse to explain here).  Based on Sue’s party, I think Wharton is right, so why not use this Labor Day to create your own “Go Big! Go Bold!” Challenge?

Get together with friends, family and/or colleagues and confess – what have you wanted to do for way too long and have been putting off?  In your own life, in your relationship with your “tootsie-wootsie” or even with your team, or department?

Define your own life.  For as long as you leave your life in the hands of other people (or cash registers or company mottos), you'll never truly live your own life.

Have a dinner roll and dare yourself:  Go Big!  Go Bold!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Thoughts Stirred By Robin Williams' Suicide



Like many of you, I’ve been thinking about Robin Williams and his death has challenged me to reflect on depression and suicide.

Executive coach Richard Leider believes There are three hungers that people are trying to feed throughout their lives. The first is to connect deeply with the creative spirit of life. The second is to know and express your gifts and talents. The third is to know that our lives matter. Fulfillment comes from feeding these three hungers.”


When I came across this quote two years ago, my knee jerk reaction was to ask myself how deeply am I connected to my creative spirit; how satisfied am I with how I express my gifts; and do I believe that my life matters?

But then I started asking myself harder questions: “Am I aware of feeling hungry or have my senses been numbed?  Do I value my gifts or do I disparage them?  Do I allow myself to feel the weight of people’s care or do I brush off love?”

At the risk of venturing into “TMI” territory, I’ll admit that for much of my adult life I’ve lived and wrestled with clinical depression.  I’ve been fortunate to have a support system, professional and personal, that has bolstered me so that not only can I function, but also I can succeed in so many facets of life.

When people ask me about depression it’s frustrating to explain because almost any explanation can easily sound like self-pitying. 

Perhaps the best way to describe my experience of depression is that it blurs my vision.  I’m not able to recognize what’s in front of me—love, opportunity, gifts, reasons for hope and excitement.  It brings about distortions so that when I say I struggle with depression what I mean is that I struggle with righting a distorted view of life.  Yes, there’s often been a physical struggle to muster energy, but more than that it’s about being able to draw a sense of urgency and commitment from the bounty surrounding me.

Depression essentially makes harder the struggle to mindfully engage Leider’s Three Hungers. 

Occasionally I meet someone who lives life in a way that daily satisfies these hungers.  Yet, I meet so many others who are unable to name their hunger and understand why it makes them restless.  Others know the origins of their hunger but feel hopeless, lacking the “recipe” that will satiate their hunger.  And for others, they simply satisfy their hungers with “junk food” and so become dull.

Depressed or not, the Three Hungers challenge us all.

What about you?  How hungry are you?  How do you satisfy your hunger?  How do you help “feed” the hungry in your life?

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The So–Called Randomness Of Life



Driving south on the 101, just before I got to the 110, I passed a building I never noticed before.  Spray-painted on the side: “You deserve the right kind of love.”  I felt comforted, but wondered, “what is the right kind of love?  Is the right kind different for me than for others?”

Later that day, I met with Rita and Peter (names changed) who are getting married next year at a 5-star resort. Rita’s parents are divorced and her father is footing the entire bill. Only catch—if she invites her mother, he won’t pay for the wedding.

Rita wants a wedding that will blow people away but since her father is paying for it all, what can she do? Her father has put her in a seemingly hopeless situation. So, she’s caved and isn’t inviting her mother who lives in Florida.  She’ll have a vow renewal down there sometime after her honeymoon.

Actually, though, Rita’s dad hasn’t put her in a hopeless position. Rita has a choice and she’s chosen to compromise. So as to lessen her guilt, she’s chosen to believe she’s caught in a hopeless predicament.

A couple of days later, while waiting for a haircut, I glanced through an Esquire Magazine interview with the actor Tom Hardy (Dark Knight Rises and scores of films).  The guy stunned me with this quote:  “I have always been frightened with men, to the point where I couldn’t go into a gym because of the testosterone, and I felt weak.  I don’t feel very manly.  I don’t feel rugged and strong and capable in real life, not how I imagine a man ought to be.  So I seek it, to mimic it and maybe understand it, or maybe to draw it into my own reality.  People who are scary, they terrify me, but I can imitate them.  I can stay terrified, or I can imitate what terrifies me.” 

Then, while procrastinating writing this column by cleaning my desk, I found this quote scribbled on a post-it: “95% of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies and we can suffer because we believe all these lies.”  (Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements)

Reflecting on the week’s random moments, I’m now wondering if the “right” kind of love we deserve is the love that allows us to not drive ourselves nuts with self-imposed expectations!  A love “right” enough that we can face down the fear that we’ll be harshly judged if we don’t meet those expectations.

Maybe the right kind of love (for self and others) is the love we take responsibility for.
Deserving the right kind of love means we stop feeling helpless.

Sunday, August 03, 2014

National Friendship Day



Sunday, August 3rd, is National Friendship Day.  I suspect it’ll come as no surprise to learn that Hallmark Cards established the holiday – back in 1919! Enthusiasm for the day waned and by the start of WWII it had faded away.  Then, in 1998, the United Nations named Winnie The Pooh the world’s “Ambassador of Friendship” and so Friendship Day was revived.

I wrestled with writing a post on “friendship”, but thought – what could I say in 450 words that Winnie The Pooh hasn’t already said?!

Then I came across an article by Dr. Sanjay Gupta, in which he writes: “According to estimates by University of Chicago psychology professor John T. Cacioppo, PhD, coauthor of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, at any given time at least one in five people, or roughly 60 million Americans, suffers from loneliness. By this I mean both the acute bouts of melancholy we all feel from time to time, as well as a chronic lack of intimacy—a yearning for someone to truly know you, get you, see you.”

Refusing to believe the statistic – 60 million lonely people – I dismissed the article.  But then it came back to bite me in an unexpected way!

Last week, Madge, a friend of mine, had surgery.  I hadn’t seen her in a while and wanted to visit before the operation.  I said I’d pop in on Tuesday.  Well, things got busy and I couldn’t make it, so I assured her that I’d stop by the next day (surgery was slated for Thursday).  Wednesday was just as hectic BUT I knew I had to visit Madge.  On the way to the hospital I realized I was feeling – annoyed?  Anxious?  I felt out of sorts that I had to squeeze in a hospital visit on top of everything else I had to do.  I was embarrassed.  How could I feel this way since Madge was a friend?

It was a great visit and within minutes I’d forgotten all the “stuff” I was worried about.  Later, I thought on that “60 million lonely people” statistic.  The simple truth is that many of us are lonely because many of us have forgotten what it is to prioritize “friendship”.

This past week I realized that maybe National Friendship Day is actually any day we stop the nonsense of saying “I’m too busy” and simply “find” or “make” time to mindfully luxuriate in the company of a friend.

And at the risk of being totally schmaltzy, I’ll let Winnie the Pooh have the final word: “You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

Friday, August 01, 2014

Speaking Mistakes That Turn Off An Audience From Your Great Ideas




When not giving seminars on interpersonal communication skills, I’m officiating non-denominational wedding ceremonies. (Long story for another kind of post!) Recently, I attended a networking event for wedding professionals. Jack (name changed), the keynote speaker, was introducing a new website aimed at the Millennial bridal market.

Within minutes of Jack’s talking I began to wonder – does this guy know who we are?

Because I coach nervous professionals in how to present themselves in smart, strategic ways, I’m used to dealing with jittery neophytes. However, it’s been a long time since I attended a presentation offered by a supposed seasoned pro who truly “bombed.”

It’s happened to the best of us. It happened that night to Jack. However, in reflecting on his talk, I was most struck by how thorough he was in making the most basic of speaking mistakes. And Jack reminded me why those mistakes are so basic.

So here are the 12 Most basic speaking blunders that will turn off an audience from your great ideas:

Continue reading