Why Difficult People Are Difficult!

During the last few weeks I’ve met up with several people who are at their wits’ end trying to figure out how to deal with a “difficult” person in their life (professional or personal).  I’ve been working to help these folks manage their resentments.

In order to come up with a strategy for dealing with difficult behaviors, you must answer two questions: 

What makes people difficult for you? 

What makes you difficult? 

And here’s a bonus question:

Do you notice any similarities in the way you can be difficult and in the way others are difficult for you? 

It’s not enough to accuse others of being difficult.  This isn’t an “us” vs. “them” scenario because each of us can be difficult to other people.  Gain insight into what causes you to be difficult and you’ll gain insight into what makes other people difficult.  Only then will you be able to devise ways to manage and defuse challenging people and behavior.

What are the skills needed to productively deal with difficult behavior?  In learning how to manage difficult behavior, it’s essential to recognize two core truths about human psychology:

First – people act out in difficult ways when they believe you do not “see” them, i.e. do not understand or care about their needs and concerns.  Managing challenging people is all about reassuring them that you do “see” them.

Second – we all do what we do, say what we say, for a reason. We do and speak (the good, the bad, the ugly) for a reason.  Because we want to accomplish many things, two goals guide much of our behavior: wanting to get something done and wanting to get something done perfectly right.

When you want to get something done and you don’t think the person in charge is going to get it done, you become difficult.  You become controlling because you’ve lost faith in the other person.

When your focus is not simply on getting the job done but also on getting it done perfectly, you become controlling AND your demand for perfection kicks in.  OR, and here’s the “weird” thing, you might become a pessimist because you don’t believe that what needs to get done perfectly will ever get done perfectly.  Despair drips over you.

You and I most readily become difficult when we need something and we believe (rightly or wrongly) that we’re not getting what we so desperately want.  And everybody is just like us!

Therefore:

Understand what the person who is acting difficult wants and you then can figure out how to deal successfully with that person by reassuring him or her that you recognize and understand their needs AND you are capable of getting those needs met.

To Live A Risky Life

Last week I met with a couple that are getting married next month.  They met four years ago while working in Asia for different divisions of an international food company.  As with many courtships, theirs is a crisscrossed story.  Last year, though, the groom, then CEO of another company based in Asia, decided he no longer wanted to be separated by continents from the woman he loved.  And so he resigned his position and moved to the U.S.

I was stunned as I never met anyone who resigned from the perch of CEO because of love.  When I told him that I was moved by his daring, he matter-of-factly said, “It wasn’t a hard decision.  I love this woman.”  Ah, but for many, I think taking a risk even for love is a rare act.

In the weekend NY Times, Arthur Brooks, reflecting on his courtship of his wife, observes, “Most people are slaves to fear, and prefer avoiding risk to staring it down.  The opposite of love is fear. . .If we want more love, we must conquer fear. We must take personal risks for big potential romantic rewards. Love is supposed to be a little scary because it is uncertain. . .Courage means feeling the fear of rejection and loss but pursuing love anyway. . .Treat love as if it were a start-up that will change the world.”

Recently, at a workshop on leadership, I told the story of a client of mine who hired me for the sole purpose of helping her get promoted to VP.  We mapped out a strategy, analyzing her strengths and blind spots, dissecting office politics and power sources.  Nothing underhanded about any of it – just smart strategy to help her get what she wanted in a way that was mutually satisfying to all involved.  And, yes, she did get promoted.  When I was done outlining the strategy, a participant asked, “Wasn’t that risky on her part?  Couldn’t it have backfired on her?”  Well, yeah, sure it was risky.  However, was being strategic in going after a valued goal more risky than not going after the goal and waiting for someone to magically give it to her?

Friends of mine, married for almost twenty years, are finally divorcing.  I say “finally” because for more than a decade they knew their relationship was neither functional nor healthy.  They stayed together for various reasons most of which came down to the hope that staying comfortably miserable would have a bigger pay-off than risking living outside the dysfunction of their marriage.

And so last week I was reminded that Life, at its most lively, is all about Risk.

Which are you more comfortable with: risk or fear?

How to Keep The 'I' In 'I Do'

February is National Weddings Month.  Not sure why – perhaps because Valentine’s Day is “the” day for proposals!  If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that in addition to consulting and teaching I officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  And so here’s a story in honor of all things wedding.

I was at a Starbucks when I bumped into Meredith (names changed), a bride whose wedding I officiated four years ago. Everything that could have gone wrong with her wedding did.

The florist mixed up the flowers for her bouquet. The musicians were late. The shuttle van from the hotel broke down and guests were stranded for half an hour. Shortly before the ceremony, the zipper on her dress broke. The ceremony was delayed more than an hour.

Through it all she remained calm, not once getting angry. I was in awe and now, finally, I could ask how she did it. Meredith said, “It was the happiest day of our life and Patrick (groom) and I decided we wouldn’t let anything ruin our joy.”

The months leading up to the wedding were stressful beginning with her dad pressuring them to get married in the Catholic Church. Since she and Patrick aren’t regular churchgoers, she thought it’d be hypocritical.  Her mother insisted that she didn’t want anything to do with her ex-husband’s third wife and didn’t want the woman sitting in the front row even though Meredith’s dad was paying for the wedding,

At our last meeting before the wedding, when I asked how they were doing, Patrick said: “Well, we’re learning to say ‘I’m sorry’ to each other a lot faster than we used to.”

We laughed, BUT he did speak to an important issue—communication.  It’s because they had a clear vision of their wedding, grounded in months of honest conversation, that no mishap, however surprising or annoying, was able to ruin the magic of their dream day.

Over the years I’ve seen the startling difference between couples who communicate with trust and confidence and those who are stuck in a rut of complaining and accusing. The former celebrate their wedding day with sparkling eyes while the later struggle just to survive the day.

To help all couples who might not have Meredith’s and Patrick’s vision and skill, I wrote an e-book: “How To Keep The ‘I’ In “I Do: Communication TipsFor Staying Sane While Planning Your Wedding.”   The heart of this book is my belief that the quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in your life.

In honor of National Weddings Month, you can download a free copy (from the 9^th through the 13^th) of the book by simply Clicking Here

Even if you’re not in the midst of planning a wedding, if you’re in a relationship, then I think you’ll find plenty of tips, tricks and techniques in this book to help you improve the quality of your communication.

Enjoy!

Some Non-Sappy Thoughts On 'Friendship'

My friend Doris recently bought a car equipped with Bluetooth.  Although she made the first call to me, she later admitted the Bluetooth made her realize she doesn't have many friends – I was the only person she could think of to call!

Marcus, an IT executive from Brazil, is on sabbatical at UCLA.  His wife and seven-year-old son have joined him for the year.  He told me that on the first day of class, after the teacher introduced his son, the boy smiled and said to the class, “raise your hand if you’d like to be my friend!”

When I was growing-up my parents didn’t encourage me to make friends as they didn’t trust people.  As the years passed, I learned that the great gift of friendship is that friends bear witness to our lives – they help us make sense of the journey.  I forget which of Joan Fontaine’s great characters remarked, “My life can be measured by the moments I’ve had with you.”  While it’s a desperately romantic notion, I think it can also apply to enduring friendships.

With real friends, there are always rituals for celebrating the relationship.  When I lived in NYC, my friend Buddy and I would always go to the World Trade Center’s “Windows On The World” to celebrate a momentous occasion in either of our lives.  When my friend Norman makes his yearly visit from the South Pacific, the first place we go is Jerry’s Deli for a drink and a corned beef sandwich.  On the wall of my dining room I have a collection of framed menus that I stole from restaurants (yes, I’m a thief) – each tells the story of a memorable visit with a memorable friend.

But, here’s the thing – many of the participants at my UCLA workshops will say, “I don’t know how to talk to people.”  They show up wanting to learn how to talk to anyone with confidence and ease.  Yet, people walk into the classroom, sit down and take out their smart phone, ignoring the person next to them.  It simply doesn’t occur to them to talk!

Marcus’ son was able to ask who in the class wanted to be his friend because he believed he was good, funny and interesting enough that other kids would want to be his friend.  He also was able to ask the entire class because he really wasn’t picky – he was happy to have a range of new kids in his life. 

If you want (more) friends, consider this: do you think you’re interesting?  Do you think people should be your friend?  Are you open to having a variety of people in your life? 

Sometimes, life is as easy as raising your hand!