TRUST – The Heart Of All New Year's Resolutions

I live in a condo and am on the HOA Board (and, yes, some of my neighbors read this blog!).  We recently fired our management company.  Why?  Because our collective frustration had reached the point where we no longer trusted Tony, the manager.  Delayed responses to emails and phone calls, a defensive tone when answering honest questions and a pervasive lack of transparency caused us to lose faith.

Soon after firing Tony, we met with the rep of another company and immediately we felt relief.  Joe arrived to the meeting on time and offered a comprehensive overview of what he and his company could do for us as a Board and for our neighbors – for our collective investment.

First impressions don’t always align with later reality but Joe was able to reassure us BECAUSE in a clear, respectful way he explained who he was, what he was about and what he stood for.  In hindsight, I realize Tony never did that.  He managed our condo for three years and I still don’t know what he wants to be known as and for.

Trust is established when people know who you are – and why you want to be that person.  That’s why we trust Joe and why we lost trust in Tony.

Beau is a new client who’s asked me to help him become a more engaging speaker.  For his first assignment, I asked him to name the five words he wants people to associate with him.  These are his words: intriguing, interesting, powerful, knowledgeable and humble.

Although I’ve only started to work with Beau, I can see why he’s chosen these words.  He values these characteristics and is able to explain why he puts a premium on them.  I think Beau is a man of TRUST.  And I think ‘trust’ is a quality that’s not found on every street corner because most people don’t know what they want to be known as.

These past weeks we’ve been celebrating a season of hope and faith, of giving and believing.  Oddly, we don’t associate the word ‘trust’ with this season – or any season really.  And, yet, amidst all the chaos that’s reported on the news, trust is what we most clamor for.

So here’s the thing – trust starts with me and with you.  What do you want to be known for?  What are the five words you want the rest of us to put our trust in?  If you understand what you want to be, if you resolve to be trustworthy, then I’m convinced that those New Year’s resolutions you’re sorting through will come into focus.  You’ll know who you want to become more of.

Happy, Daring, Joyful, Contented, Hopeful New Year!

The Unspoken Challenge Of The Holidays

The process of writing a blog has no rhyme or reason.  Some weeks I’ll have experiences or conversations and I know I’m going to write about them.  Some weeks, I feel inspired to use someone else’s insights as a springboard for my own.  Still other weeks, I know what I “should” write about, but I don’t want to because I don’t feel up to the task.  I don’t feel up to the task because the writing demands that I be honest and sometimes being honest is just too difficult.  This is one of those weeks.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you’ll recall that for Thanksgiving I wrote about George, an eighty-five year old whose memorial I had officiated.  The warmth of the stories told about him reminded me that the way we honor the dead is by choosing to be for others what the departed had been for us.  While I believe this, I wonder if maybe it’s an easy truth to embrace because George was an old man when he died.

A few days ago, Liz, a friend with whom I’d lost contact, called to tell me that her thirty-year-old nephew, Tyler, had died in his sleep the day after Thanksgiving.  His memorial is this coming Sunday and she asked if I’d officiate it.

His family is devastated beyond words.  Too sudden.  Too soon.  So senseless.  And as Liz asked, “Why do these tragedies happen at the holidays?”  There’s no answer, of course, to that question.  Unlike the classic movie, Death never takes a holiday.

Liz lamented that Tyler’s life was a “promise cut short.”  Yes, there was more for him to see, to do and to become.  But, he lived life on his own terms, with integrity and love.  And for that, it could be said he lived a promise fulfilled, short though he lived.

But still, to memorialize Tyler on the sixth day of the Festival of Lights, four days before Christmas, calls into question the trustworthiness of all those lights and hope and merriment.

Is it too much of a cliché to write that joy doesn’t negate sadness?  That the candles don’t dispel the dark, they illuminate it?  With all the holiday parties and shopping specials, we easily can forget that these end-of-year holidays are actually meant to challenge us and not just delight us.

And so I’m left with the question I posed to you in my Thanksgiving post: “If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?” 

No matter how short a life, answering and living this question is worthy of our best. – of our trusting and celebrating the light. 

The Most Challenging Question Of All!

Last week I received an email from Clare (name changed), a former student who wanted to give me an update on her efforts to become a more effective communicator.  Here’s an excerpt from that email: “I ‘ve been trying to work on finding my voice.  I think I’m generally a better listener than a talker.  Often I don’t express my opinion or defend my point.  I don’t insert myself in a conversation enough, preferring to take a back seat and let other people enjoy the spotlight.”

“As convenient as this can be, in that I don’t have to put myself at risk of arguing with others, spending energy elaborating a certain point or defending my position, I realize it’s also a source of dissatisfaction and confusion.  People don’t have a chance to know what I think and I’m not contributing to a conversation when I could.  This doesn’t always happen, but when it does I’ve been trying to make a conscious decision to make my voice heard and insert myself in the conversation.”

“Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard, but I feel better once I’ve made myself heard.  I’m still a work-in-progress because I sometimes tend to slip towards old patterns of passively letting other people expose themselves while I remain silent.”

Clare had been a shy student who gave off a snooty vibe and so I was happy to learn that she’s committed to being more engaging and approachable. 

The great reminder from her story, though, is that change doesn’t just happen.  You have to wrestle with the demanding question, “What do I really want?”  And then with the equally challenging question, “What am I willing to do for it?”

My friend Ted is a staff writer for a late night show.  When he was offered the job, friends and family were shocked because the offer was so unexpected.  Ted, though, had prepared for the day when just such a job would be offered him.  He submitted unsolicited jokes to this show, as though he actually had a job.  He kept his name in front of the head writers, so that they knew not only that he wanted a writing gig, but that he was prepared and qualified.  So, sure, he was surprised when the call came – BUT he had worked with, in and through hope for that day.

Change is always scary because you have to deal with the consequences – what would happen if you got what you wanted –if you successfully made the changes you claim you want to make?

Life, though, only makes sense from honestly grappling with: What do you want?  Why do you want it?  What are you going to do to get it?!