The Most Challenging Question Of All!

Last week I received an email from Clare (name changed), a former student who wanted to give me an update on her efforts to become a more effective communicator.  Here’s an excerpt from that email: “I ‘ve been trying to work on finding my voice.  I think I’m generally a better listener than a talker.  Often I don’t express my opinion or defend my point.  I don’t insert myself in a conversation enough, preferring to take a back seat and let other people enjoy the spotlight.”

“As convenient as this can be, in that I don’t have to put myself at risk of arguing with others, spending energy elaborating a certain point or defending my position, I realize it’s also a source of dissatisfaction and confusion.  People don’t have a chance to know what I think and I’m not contributing to a conversation when I could.  This doesn’t always happen, but when it does I’ve been trying to make a conscious decision to make my voice heard and insert myself in the conversation.”

“Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard, but I feel better once I’ve made myself heard.  I’m still a work-in-progress because I sometimes tend to slip towards old patterns of passively letting other people expose themselves while I remain silent.”

Clare had been a shy student who gave off a snooty vibe and so I was happy to learn that she’s committed to being more engaging and approachable. 

The great reminder from her story, though, is that change doesn’t just happen.  You have to wrestle with the demanding question, “What do I really want?”  And then with the equally challenging question, “What am I willing to do for it?”

My friend Ted is a staff writer for a late night show.  When he was offered the job, friends and family were shocked because the offer was so unexpected.  Ted, though, had prepared for the day when just such a job would be offered him.  He submitted unsolicited jokes to this show, as though he actually had a job.  He kept his name in front of the head writers, so that they knew not only that he wanted a writing gig, but that he was prepared and qualified.  So, sure, he was surprised when the call came – BUT he had worked with, in and through hope for that day.

Change is always scary because you have to deal with the consequences – what would happen if you got what you wanted –if you successfully made the changes you claim you want to make?

Life, though, only makes sense from honestly grappling with: What do you want?  Why do you want it?  What are you going to do to get it?!