"Driving You Nuts is So Much Fun!"

This week, in my ongoing series on conflict styles, we look at the “delicious” ways of being passive-aggressive.

Rhonda and Bill (names changed) were planning their wedding without the help of a coordinator. Although Rhonda’s job required her to travel several weeks a month, she felt up to the task of having a DIY wedding. Bill worked local and said he was willing to do whatever she wanted, though he thought she was obsessive with her detailed lists. He never actually completed a list, shrugging it off saying, “It’ll all be fine.”

I had a final meeting with them a little more than a month before the wedding. Rhonda looked stressed and exhausted, while Bill seemed uncomfortable. Rhonda was going to be out of town for the next week and a half and pleaded with me, “How do I get him to do what’s on the lists?  If he doesn’t do this stuff it isn’t going to get done?”

Bill promised he’d get everything done. “Why should I believe you?” she snapped. “You say you’re going to get it done and you never do. Do you even want to get married?”

Bill finally shot back, “Maybe if you didn’t treat me like an idiot, I’d pay more attention to what you want me to do!” He turned to me and in a mixture of sarcasm and resignation said, “If I didn’t tune her out, I’d lose my mind.”

Bill was classic passive-aggressive in that he had strong feelings of resentment and anger and was unwilling to express those feelings in an honest way.  He felt put upon by Rhonda and instead of having an honest conversation with her, he’d simply “forget” to do things. Any time Rhonda panicked, he’d accuse her of not trusting him and getting upset over “nothing.”

You choose to be passive-aggressive when you decide that your partner needs to be punished for hurting you and part of the punishment is that they’re not going to know you’re punishing them!

Two other classic passive-aggressive techniques are giving the “silent treatment” and withholding.  In the “silent treatment” you stop talking to the person and then, when some time has passed and your partner asks, “Is anything wrong?” you look surprised and say, “No. Why would you think that?”  In the withholding technique, your partner wants something and you deny it to them. She wants you to go somewhere and you say you’re tired. Here’s where the all time classic line comes into play: “No, not tonight. I have a headache”!

Is being passive-aggressive your preferred style for dealing with conflict?  Do you like seeing what it does to your partner? If so, why do enjoy punishing the person?!

"I'M NOT YELLING – YOU ARE!"

In my last post I looked at the conflict “dance step” of being passive.  This week, the dance step is that of being aggressive.

True story

Ten days before Andy and Sara’s wedding (names changed), their event planner called and asked if I’d meet with them at their home. Things were in meltdown mode. I’d finalized their ceremony more than a month before. It was a brief meeting and while they were stressed, they seemed no more so than most couples. Now, though, I could feel the tension when I walked into their house.

When we sat down, I smiled and simply asked, “What’s up?” Silence. Anger creased their faces. I asked Sara what had happened. She began talking about Andy as though he weren’t in the room. It was hard to follow what she was saying, but it soon became a litany of what he’d done wrong.

Suddenly, Andy exploded, “SHUT UP! I’M SICK OF YOUR LIES!” And, yes, I was now worried since he was bigger than I am and looked like he’d mentally snapped. They launched into a yelling match, totally ignoring me. I’ll admit that I was mesmerized since it was like I’d been transported to the set of a reality show!

But then I came to my senses and tried to intervene. Being polite and officiant-like wasn’t going to do the job, so I tapped into my New York voice and shouted, “YO!” They turned and looked at me seeming almost confused as to what I was doing in their home. Sara quickly looked embarrassed, while Andy just steamed.

What had gone so wrong between them? Well, they had an infant (unplanned). They were building a home. They had unresolved and non-discussed money issues. They had no time to talk, just time to argue and lash out.  Their jumbled, poorly expressed emotions left them exhausted as they crawled to what they called the “finish line” of their wedding planning. It sounded, though, more like the finish line of their relationship.

Because they weren’t skilled at talking with each other; because they avoided the tough and messy issues; because they were overwhelmed by their intense feelings, all they could do was scream, accuse and belittle each other.   

Do you enjoy yelling at your partner?  Do you enjoy putting your partner down in front of other people?  Do you regularly say, “I hate you!” to your partner?  If you answered “yes” to these questions, then classic aggressive behavior is your preferred way of dealing with conflict.

Yelling, humiliating and hating are clear indicators that your relationship needs professional care and attention. Screaming, belittling and accusing are not the ways in which you protect and keep each other safe – personally or professionally.

"Don't Rock The Boat!"

In my last post, I told the story of how we all develop “dance steps” for dealing with conflict.  Here I introduce the first of four common “steps” – Being Passive.

Robbie’s father had never approved of his fiancée Nina (names changed), as no one was good enough for his son. When they were dating, Robbie’s father was barely civil to Nina, but Robbie shrugged it off with, “that’s just dad being dad.” Once they began planning for their wedding, Robbie’s father made demands on Nina, disapproving many of her decisions. Again, Robbie shrugged it off with, “that’s just how he is.” Nina kept her feelings bottled up because she didn’t want to disrespect her future father-in-law.

Three months before the wedding I met with them and within minutes Nina broke down. She could no longer deal with Robbie’s father. Robbie was surprised, as he didn’t know things had gotten to this point.

Turns out, while growing up, Robbie learned to deal with his father’s tantrums by simply shrugging him off and not confronting him. In the face of his father’s overbearing ways, Robbie learned to “vanish.”

Nina, who is Indian, was taught that women should not question what a man says as a woman must know “her place.” She learned not to cause waves in the face of conflict. 

As we talked, Robbie realized he could no longer leave Nina to deal with his father alone. The old ways, the old dance steps, of handling his father no longer worked. After our meeting, they had a long talk and strategized how to contain Robbie’s father and protect themselves during the final stages of planning.

By the time of their wedding, boundaries were in place and Robbie’s father haltingly was learning to treat Nina with a new found respect.

Initially, Robbie and Nina embodied a passive approach to Robbie’s dad. They avoided dealing with him in a way that would have let him know what they were thinking and feeling. They crossed their fingers, closed their eyes and simply hoped it would all turn out for the best! However, it wouldn’t until they told Robbie’s dad what they wanted from him.

Consider these questions: do you prefer to be passive when dealing with difficult situations?  If so, from whom did you learn this pattern?  Does it allow you and your partner to effectively resolve what needs resolving?

Remember: we train people how to treat us. If you endure a person’s troubling behavior, choosing to do nothing, then they will not change. They don’t know that you’re suffering and your silence gives them no incentive to change.

Being passive let’s you escape pain – it never resolves the cause of the pain.

The Dance Steps Of Conflict

Two weeks before her wedding, Kelly (name changed) called me—upset. The night before, she and her fiancé, Jeff, had a fight. At the end of the argument, he snapped: “You think you know everything about me, but you don’t.”

I now think she’s calling to tell me that she’s canceling the wedding. Instead, she asks: “Do you think this is a red flag?” Red flag? No, this is a RED CURTAIN!

I asked if she was curious as to what he’d meant when he said she didn’t know “everything” about him. Kelly told me that Jeff often vented and yelled, but that he didn’t mean anything by it. I was still curious since if he doesn’t mean anything by it, why does he yell? She had no answer.

A few days later, Kelly called to tell me that all was fine and back to “normal.” No, Jeff hadn’t apologized and, no, she still hadn’t asked him what he meant by that cryptic, snarling statement. She decided to let the pattern of their arguing remain in place despite the stress it continually caused her.

Kelly had talked herself into believing that there was nothing wrong with this dynamic. “It’s just how he is,” was her mantra. Besides, she was worried that if she confronted him, she’d hurt his feelings. She didn’t want to antagonize the situation by asking him to explain himself, as she “knew” he loved her. 

Fear of confrontation. Fear of conflict. These are fears shared by many of us and Kelly was no different. But it’s essential to understand that conflict is a natural part of every relationship. Odd as it may sound, you can’t have a healthy relationship without conflict.

Over time, you and your partner have developed ways to deal with uncomfortable situations, conversations, and conflict. I call these “dance steps” and you’ve developed them without much conscious thought. The question is: do these dance steps let you and your partner get what you need in a way that’s honest and healthy?

Here are some questions to get you thinking about your relationship to conflict:  What do you enjoy about conflict?  Not enjoy?  Do you know what your partner (personal or professional) enjoys or doesn’t enjoy about conflict?  What would you like to see more of when you and your partner have a difficult conversation?  What would you like to see less of?

There are four “dances” you can do with your partner in an argument.  You can be passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or, you can be assertive. In upcoming posts, I’ll explain each dance step and invite you to consider how you can become a more healthy and strategic partner in a conflict.