Maybe A Ghost Story

I recently was at a store (in Toluca Lake) that I frequent.  Julian (not his real name) is the associate who’s been helping me for almost a decade.  He knows I write this blog and he excitedly told me that he had a story that might interest me.  It did, so here it is!

Julian’s family has a home that’s two hours outside Puerto Vallarta.  It’s been in the family for generations.  Down through the years, relatives and friends claimed to have experienced hauntings.  Julian himself claims to have seen and felt “things” that he can only label as “ghosts”.  His father-in law, though, scoffs at such nonsense.

Early this summer, Julian and his family went down for the Quinceañera of his niece.  Per tradition, the local Priest came to hear confessions.  Julian’s dad has no use for Church ritual and took a nap when the priest arrived.  He fell asleep and some time later awoke, feeling like someone was pressing down on him.  His legs shook uncontrollably and he freaked out.  He screamed; people rushed in and – nothing.  He insisted, though, that someone had been on top of him.

Hey, it’s Halloween and what’s a column without a ghost story?!  I don’t think Julian made up this tale.  Since I don’t know his in-law, I don’t know if the man is a jokester, had a nightmare or – if he really was assaulted by a ghost.  What I do know is that there’s more to life than we can see.

Not only is there more than we can take in at any one time, I think we’re so overwhelmed that often we don’t pay attention to the little that we can see.

In Thornton Wilder’s classic play, “Our Town”, the lead character Emily dies in childbirth.  Soon after, she asks the character of the Stage Manager if she can return home to live out just one day.  Against his better judgment, he agrees.  Emily is moved by the simple beauty of ordinary life and stunned by how people are unaware of that beauty.  Although invisible to her mother, she cries out, “Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me – it goes so fast we don’t have time to look at one another.”  Back at the graveyard, she asks the Stage Manager, “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?”

It’s easy to take life and others for granted.  It’s also easy to take our own life for granted. 

The countdown for 2014’s end begins with the last piece of Halloween candy – so how do you want the year to end?  Challenge yourself to see just a bit more of what’s there to see and experience.

True Kindness Pt. 2

Last week I told you about a couple who made a decision that, no matter what, they would always be kind to each other.  In some respects, it’s such an old-fashioned notion and yet “kindness” is what we all crave – and need.  Last week I offered you two ways in which to show kindness and now here are two more ways in which you can be kind – to your romantic partner and even to your business associates.

1.  When you say, “I’m kinda mad at you right now”, how mad is “kinda”? Is your “kinda” the same as your partner’s “kinda”? Understated expressions can only confuse your partner. The clearer you are in describing how you feel – and why – the better chance your partner has of understanding you and being able to help you.

AVOID: vague words such as, “a little”, “sort of”, “I guess”, “maybe” and “a few” because while you know what you mean by these words, your partner may not. When you say, “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” how many minutes is that “few”?  The more specific you are, the better you increase your chances of being misunderstood.

2. YOU.  When you attack the other person with a barrage of “you’s” – “You never”, “You always”, “You disappoint me”,  “You make me sick” – all the other person can do is one of two things:  lash out or become defensive.

AVOID: clobbering your partner with the word “you.” This one little word has the power to press your partner’s buttons. You know how you react when someone attacks you with “you,” so why attack your partner with “you” when you know what you’re doing?!

We’re all guilty of what I’ve just described here and in last week’s column. Why? Because old habits die hard. Because we’re lazy. Because we think we don’t or shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. BUT, you do have to explain yourself; otherwise, you’ll drive your partner nuts, who, in turn, will drive you nuts!

Consider these questions as you take stock of how kind you and your partner are to each other:

·      In the past week, how many times have you accused your partner of not “caring”?

·      In the past week how many times have you complained to someone about your partner not understanding you? 

·      In the past week how many times have you understated your feelings or bombarded your partner with “you” accusations? 

·      What would you like to see happen differently?

Remember: You and your partner protect and keep each other sane when you are aware of and acknowledge each other’s feelings, try to understand and not judge those feelings, and take responsibility for owning and expressing your feelings.

Now that’s being kind!

True Kindness

I recently reunited with a couple whose wedding I officiated fifteen years ago. They look older but their spirits are as I remember them. Open, inquisitive, yet clearly defined in their ongoing aspirations. “Jack Daniels” joined us at the table and story begat story. It was a magical night.

As I was leaving, Ira suddenly asked me, “Do you know why Maureen and I are still in love?” Various answers came to mind, but I just said, “No, why are you still in love?” With pride he replied, “We’re kind to each other.”

Ira explained how he and Maureen consciously decided that they didn’t ever want to lose sight of being each other’s partner and best friend—not punching bag or dumping ground for the day’s irritations. So simple, yet so challenging!

While there are many ways in which to be kind to your partner, how you express what you’re feeling is one of the most important. Letting your partner know how you feel in a way that doesn’t turn him or her into that punching bag is one of the kindest things you can do for each other.  Here are two ways to avoid turning your partner into an object of your scorn.

1. Has anyone ever been annoyed with you and sarcastically asked (yelled) “What the f#@* is wrong with you?” And when they asked what’s wrong with you, did you smile, sit down and tell them what’s wrong with you? Didn’t think so!

Loudly attacking someone with phrases such as, “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re driving me nuts!” will definitely drive the other person away. The only problem is they’ll be so annoyed with you that they won’t want to talk to you later on or help you. And why should they?

AVOID: outbursts. They just signal that you’re in a bad mood without offering any insight into why. There’s never a good time to be nasty!

2. Do you end heated “discussions” with, “That’s just how I am”?  No one is ever “just” something. We always feel a certain way for a reason. If you don’t tell the other person why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, they’ll storm off thinking that you’re a jerk (or some stronger word).

AVOID: dramatic declarations. They provide no clue as to why you are the way you “just” are and most likely your partner is going to feel “just” fed up with you for stonewalling him or her.

Next week, I’ll give you two more things to avoid doing with your partner (romantic or business) and in coming weeks I’ll review the six things you can do to help your partner understand what it is you’re feeling.

Kindness – a brave and generous gift!

Who Made You Who You Are Today?

In the latest issue of Esquire Magazine, fifty men celebrities, ranging from Chris Pratt to Marco Rubio, offer a snapshot of the person(s) who helped to make them the person they are today.  Their answers are moving and got me thinking about who has helped to make me the man I am today.

I’ve been fortunate to have a number of remarkable men and women cross the path of my destiny.  I am especially grateful to a man who taught me the gift of listening as well as the gift of utter graciousness.  That man is Fay Vincent.

If his name sounds familiar it’s because in 1989 he became baseball’s eighth commissioner.  I first met him a few years earlier when he was Executive V.P. of Entertainment for Coca-Cola, which, at that time, owned Columbia Pictures.  I’d just resigned from ministry and was without work, hoping though to find my way into the world of film.  I was the “bubble boy” coming out of the bubble and I was lost.

Through a friend of a friend (the true Hollywood way), I got a meeting with Fay.  At the time, I was clueless as to his stature.  I met him at the Beverly Hills Hotel where he was staying.  And, yes, I was nervous and uncertain.  “Cordial” doesn’t begin to capture his graciousness.  As I sat down, he picked-up the phone and called the front desk.  He asked not to be disturbed for the next fifteen minutes.  He then turned and matter-of-factly said, “So, tell me your story.”

For fifteen, uninterrupted minutes, that’s what I did.  And at the end, he simply said, “Well, we have to get you a job.”  He told me to call his assistant the following Monday and she’d have names for me to contact.

Come Monday, I decided not to call since I thought he’d just been “nice” and didn’t really mean what he’d said.  On Tuesday, his assistant called, wondering why I hadn’t contacted her.  When I told her, she was taken aback and assured me, “If Mr. Vincent didn’t want to help you, he wouldn’t have led you on.”

Well, eventually I did get a job thanks to his introduction – but that’s another story!  Ever since then Fay Vincent has been a hero of mine.  He listened when there was no reason to do so.  He gave me his full attention when I was desperate for someone to see me.  He believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

Those last three sentences are such clichés – yet so true.  I now try to be for others what Fay was for me.

What about you – who helped make you the person you are today?