Friday, September 27, 2013

Not All Street Signs Are Blurry!



 

I met with my client Jesse (names changed) last week and was surprised he was wearing glasses. When I complimented him on the new look he told me that he’d never worn glasses before; however, he’s thrilled with the difference they make––he can’t believe how clear street signs are!

For years Jesse thought all signs were blurry because they were far away AND he presumed they were blurry for everyone!  He lived in a fuzzy world and didn’t know it.  He just thought, “That’s the way things are.”

Jesse is a smart guy who excels in his job.  He’s not a dope.  He just didn’t know that there’s a better way to see.  And in that, he’s like so many of us!  Take my other client, Richard.

In our first meeting he told me that he hates when people interrupt him.  He thinks they’re rude and disrespectful.  He said that many people interrupt him and he wonders if he’s doing something to encourage them in that behavior. 

The following week I sat in on a meeting with Richard and four other executives, as they wanted to explore training possibilities for various teams in the company.  During the meeting, one of the executives interrupted Richard and he immediately shut down.  Everything about him changed––his face, his posture, his overall “vibe.”  He actually glared at the guy.
Richard later told me that when growing up, his parents insisted that he and his siblings not interrupt when adults spoke – and they didn’t allow for freewheeling discussion.  The family motto was: don’t interrupt people—it’s rude.

But is a person automatically rude if she or he interrupts?  I don’t think so.  What about the person who comes from a large family where everyone had to compete to be heard and interrupting was accepted?

Here’s the thing - every family lives life guided by a motto. Sometimes it is spoken aloud; other times it is implicitly understood. But no matter, this mantra guides a family as it navigates through life.

Family mottos take on their own life.  They influence how we see and interpret people and situations.  They become the air we breathe.  When I was growing up, my family’s mantra was: trust no one.  My father was a cop.  His job demanded that he be leery of all.  I breathed in that mantra without thought or doubt. Later in life I had to work hard to overcome its limitations and to trust people.

Without understanding your family’s assumptions about how life is lived, you will be setting yourself up in subtle ways for stress and misunderstanding.

Give yourself an “eye exam” and identify your family’s motto.  Does it help or hinder you?

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Paranoia In The Office



Oh how we complicate our lives!  Stephanie (names changed) is head of Human Resources for a hospitality company and Gina is the Associate Head.  Gina is upset that Stephanie doesn’t promptly answer her emails.  She sometimes has not gotten information that she needs and feels out of the loop.  She doesn’t like not knowing an answer and is afraid people will think she’s incompetent. Gina believes Stephanie is out to sabotage her. 

Stephanie claims that Gina is driving her nuts with too many emails. She thinks Gina needs to handle situations on her own as she knows how to do her job.  Although Stephanie has told this to her, Gina doesn’t believe her. 

Gina  also thinks Stephanie likes Juan (new office hire) more than her and is conspiring to make her mess up at work so she has a reason to fire her and then promote Juan!

So what could be some of the reasons why Stephanie doesn’t return emails?  Here’s a quick list:
·      She doesn’t like Gina
·      She is incompetent
·      She is too busy chatting with Juan
·      She doesn’t see a need to respond
·      She trusts Gina to do the right thing

While I don’t have security footage that will show me if Stephanie is fawning over Juan, my instinct tells me that Stephanie is not some psychopath plotting Gina’s demise.  In fact, she promoted her six months ago!

What do these colleagues need to do?  Each needs to do something difficult.

Stephanie admits she’s not good with answering email.  She’s not proud of this and recognizes she needs to do a better job.  She now needs to move on from recognizing this is an ineffective habit and consciously develop a game plan for being more prompt in her responses.  If Gina’s upset, chances are others in the company share Gina’s frustrations.

Gina needs to understand that it is unfair and unrealistic to hold people to her standard of email protocol.  She is prompt in responding.  Actually, I’ve seldom met anyone who responds as quickly to an email as she does!  That’s good, but. . .she needs to probe what appears to be her paranoia regarding Stephanie and Juan’s relationship.  Aside from making an accusation, what are the facts to back up the belief that her career is being sabotaged?

Each woman needs to reflect on how her behavior could appear to the other and ask how her behavior is tripping up the other person.  The Golden Rule of doing unto others as we’d have them do unto us is not nearly as effective as the “Platinum Rule” of doing unto others as they would have us do unto them!

That’s real strategy – and will lead to real and successful communication!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

National Positive Thinking Day!



September 13th is National Positive Thinking Day and so this column is my nod to this little-known holiday!

My father was a great storyteller who had an appreciation for the absurd.  With Scotch in hand, he was a jolly good-fella whom people enjoyed.  Although he had a great sense of humor, my father was not an optimist.  While he could laugh so hard that he’d cry, the proverbial glass was ALWAYS half empty. 

We were a Catholic family and like any Catholic of his generation, he could quote the Catechism.  The first question in that book is: “why did God make us?”  The classic answer is, “God made us to know, love and serve Him in this world and be happy with Him in the next.”  My father would quote this and point out, “It doesn’t say anything about being happy in this world.  We’re not meant for happiness.” 

This belief, which is a perversion of Catholic thought, allowed him to explain every disappointment, misstep and misfortune that happened in life. He was a fatalist and as such had low expectations for life.  Dreams didn’t amount to much because they most likely would be decimated.  Hopes were pleasant but did little more than aspirin. 

I had to work hard to understand how his belief system was grounded in a lie - a lie that allowed him to not aspire for anything of value. 

I don’t think my father was unique in his fatalism.  In fact, I think it’s far more common than we care to admit in this feel-good society of ours. 

Mildred (85) is the oldest resident in my condo building.  She told me that she and her husband raised their family in this building although she had never wanted to live here.  She wanted to own a house but her husband wouldn’t hear of it.  She lamented, “I’ve been miserable in this place for thirty years.  Can you believe that?”  And I did detect a twinge of pride in her voice.

I laughed, saying, “Of course I can!”

It’s easy to surrender power and believe that ultimately life is controlled by forces outside our control.

Viktor Frankl, one of last century’s greatest writers and a survivor of Auschwitz, fervently believed that, “We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: The last of his freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Be happy.  Be powerful.  Think positive!

Friday, September 06, 2013

Did You Go To Work On Your Wedding Day?



Here are three vignettes that for various reasons took me by surprise:

#1.  My friend, Becky, is a regional sales director for a discount chain.  She works hard, long hours.  When not working, she enjoys spending time with Stacy, her seven-year-old goddaughter.

While Becky loves having “girl days” with Stacy, of course, she always brings her Blackberry, which is like the third “girl” on their outings. Becky apologizes to Stacy whenever she takes a call or responds to a text.  “It’s work” is her catch phrase.

On their last outing, Stacy commented that Becky sure works a lot.  Becky laughed, assuring her that she did.  And then Stacy asked, “Did you have to go to work on your wedding day?”

Becky laughed at the “cute” question, but ever since Stacy asked the question, she’s been wondering about her priorities.  Becky asked me, “Does Stacy see something that I don’t?”  Just as I was about to answer, her phone rang and she had to take the call!

#2.  At one of my workshops last month, Casey chatted with me during a break and told me that she wished she could do what I do, i.e. work directly with people in a coaching capacity.  She said that many of her friends consider her to be their personal life coach.  I asked her if she thought about making a career change (she works for a national insurance firm).  She said that she’s thought about it, but isn’t sure how to go about it.  She’s hoping that sooner rather than later the right path will appear.

I pointed out that the “right path” only appears if we’ve done the necessary prep work to make sure we can recognize that right path when it appears.  In an oddly wistful tone she said, “I know.”
When I commented that she seemed sad, she sighed, “It’s just so hard figuring out how to do what I want to do!”

#3.  In one of my workshop exercises, I ask participants to complete this sentence: “I matter most when I. . .” One woman shared with the group, “I matter most when I get a large bonus.”  We all laughed but she looked surprised.  “No.  I’m serious; my self worth is directly tied to my bonus.”  I was stunned.  Why would anyone give so much power to someone making what ultimately is an arbitrary decision?

The question we each must grapple with is, “Am I happy with the quality of the life I’ve created?”  If not, do you deep down want to actively work to improve the quality of your life?  If so, start now – not tomorrow!