TRUST – The Heart Of All New Year's Resolutions

I live in a condo and am on the HOA Board (and, yes, some of my neighbors read this blog!).  We recently fired our management company.  Why?  Because our collective frustration had reached the point where we no longer trusted Tony, the manager.  Delayed responses to emails and phone calls, a defensive tone when answering honest questions and a pervasive lack of transparency caused us to lose faith.

Soon after firing Tony, we met with the rep of another company and immediately we felt relief.  Joe arrived to the meeting on time and offered a comprehensive overview of what he and his company could do for us as a Board and for our neighbors – for our collective investment.

First impressions don’t always align with later reality but Joe was able to reassure us BECAUSE in a clear, respectful way he explained who he was, what he was about and what he stood for.  In hindsight, I realize Tony never did that.  He managed our condo for three years and I still don’t know what he wants to be known as and for.

Trust is established when people know who you are – and why you want to be that person.  That’s why we trust Joe and why we lost trust in Tony.

Beau is a new client who’s asked me to help him become a more engaging speaker.  For his first assignment, I asked him to name the five words he wants people to associate with him.  These are his words: intriguing, interesting, powerful, knowledgeable and humble.

Although I’ve only started to work with Beau, I can see why he’s chosen these words.  He values these characteristics and is able to explain why he puts a premium on them.  I think Beau is a man of TRUST.  And I think ‘trust’ is a quality that’s not found on every street corner because most people don’t know what they want to be known as.

These past weeks we’ve been celebrating a season of hope and faith, of giving and believing.  Oddly, we don’t associate the word ‘trust’ with this season – or any season really.  And, yet, amidst all the chaos that’s reported on the news, trust is what we most clamor for.

So here’s the thing – trust starts with me and with you.  What do you want to be known for?  What are the five words you want the rest of us to put our trust in?  If you understand what you want to be, if you resolve to be trustworthy, then I’m convinced that those New Year’s resolutions you’re sorting through will come into focus.  You’ll know who you want to become more of.

Happy, Daring, Joyful, Contented, Hopeful New Year!

The Unspoken Challenge Of The Holidays

The process of writing a blog has no rhyme or reason.  Some weeks I’ll have experiences or conversations and I know I’m going to write about them.  Some weeks, I feel inspired to use someone else’s insights as a springboard for my own.  Still other weeks, I know what I “should” write about, but I don’t want to because I don’t feel up to the task.  I don’t feel up to the task because the writing demands that I be honest and sometimes being honest is just too difficult.  This is one of those weeks.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you’ll recall that for Thanksgiving I wrote about George, an eighty-five year old whose memorial I had officiated.  The warmth of the stories told about him reminded me that the way we honor the dead is by choosing to be for others what the departed had been for us.  While I believe this, I wonder if maybe it’s an easy truth to embrace because George was an old man when he died.

A few days ago, Liz, a friend with whom I’d lost contact, called to tell me that her thirty-year-old nephew, Tyler, had died in his sleep the day after Thanksgiving.  His memorial is this coming Sunday and she asked if I’d officiate it.

His family is devastated beyond words.  Too sudden.  Too soon.  So senseless.  And as Liz asked, “Why do these tragedies happen at the holidays?”  There’s no answer, of course, to that question.  Unlike the classic movie, Death never takes a holiday.

Liz lamented that Tyler’s life was a “promise cut short.”  Yes, there was more for him to see, to do and to become.  But, he lived life on his own terms, with integrity and love.  And for that, it could be said he lived a promise fulfilled, short though he lived.

But still, to memorialize Tyler on the sixth day of the Festival of Lights, four days before Christmas, calls into question the trustworthiness of all those lights and hope and merriment.

Is it too much of a cliché to write that joy doesn’t negate sadness?  That the candles don’t dispel the dark, they illuminate it?  With all the holiday parties and shopping specials, we easily can forget that these end-of-year holidays are actually meant to challenge us and not just delight us.

And so I’m left with the question I posed to you in my Thanksgiving post: “If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?” 

No matter how short a life, answering and living this question is worthy of our best. – of our trusting and celebrating the light. 

The Most Challenging Question Of All!

Last week I received an email from Clare (name changed), a former student who wanted to give me an update on her efforts to become a more effective communicator.  Here’s an excerpt from that email: “I ‘ve been trying to work on finding my voice.  I think I’m generally a better listener than a talker.  Often I don’t express my opinion or defend my point.  I don’t insert myself in a conversation enough, preferring to take a back seat and let other people enjoy the spotlight.”

“As convenient as this can be, in that I don’t have to put myself at risk of arguing with others, spending energy elaborating a certain point or defending my position, I realize it’s also a source of dissatisfaction and confusion.  People don’t have a chance to know what I think and I’m not contributing to a conversation when I could.  This doesn’t always happen, but when it does I’ve been trying to make a conscious decision to make my voice heard and insert myself in the conversation.”

“Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard, but I feel better once I’ve made myself heard.  I’m still a work-in-progress because I sometimes tend to slip towards old patterns of passively letting other people expose themselves while I remain silent.”

Clare had been a shy student who gave off a snooty vibe and so I was happy to learn that she’s committed to being more engaging and approachable. 

The great reminder from her story, though, is that change doesn’t just happen.  You have to wrestle with the demanding question, “What do I really want?”  And then with the equally challenging question, “What am I willing to do for it?”

My friend Ted is a staff writer for a late night show.  When he was offered the job, friends and family were shocked because the offer was so unexpected.  Ted, though, had prepared for the day when just such a job would be offered him.  He submitted unsolicited jokes to this show, as though he actually had a job.  He kept his name in front of the head writers, so that they knew not only that he wanted a writing gig, but that he was prepared and qualified.  So, sure, he was surprised when the call came – BUT he had worked with, in and through hope for that day.

Change is always scary because you have to deal with the consequences – what would happen if you got what you wanted –if you successfully made the changes you claim you want to make?

Life, though, only makes sense from honestly grappling with: What do you want?  Why do you want it?  What are you going to do to get it?!

How To Really Give Thanks!

A few weeks ago I officiated a memorial service for George (name changed), a man I’d never met.  A trusted neighbor, who had attended a wedding I officiated, referred George’s family to me.  At eighty-five he had been a trusted doctor, researcher, husband, father, friend.  For those who knew him, he was a legend.

On the afternoon of the service, George’s backyard was filled with over a hundred people, all eager to tell their own special “George” story.

Issak Dinesen, author of “Out Of Africa,” believed that “any sorrow can be endured if a story can be told about it.”  And so it was that afternoon.  I marveled at the remarkable (and funny) tales these people shared. 

At memorial’s end, I reminded folks that what we were doing was important, but next day, there will be that haunting question, “now what?”  The playwright Thornton Wilder claimed that, “The highest tribute to the dead is not grief, but gratitude.”  And the only way we truly show gratitude is by doing.

I urged everyone in the days ahead to reflect on the particular gifts that George had given to each of them and then to be for others what he had been for them.  That is the surest way to honor his memory and keep his legacy alive.  That is true Thanksgiving.

The irony today is that there’s so much going on during Thanksgiving Day that there’s no longer enough time to actually give thanks!  BUT, when the Black Friday madness dies down and the leftovers are gone, I encourage you to take a moment to commit to being for others what some personal hero of yours has been for you.

There’s more, though!  I was struck during the celebration of George’s life at how people were talking with each other.  No one sat alone; no TV was blaring in the background.  People were talking, laughing, smiling with glistening eyes.  There was food and booze aplenty, so that if you walked in off the street, you might mistake it for a wedding reception.

I’ve no doubt that most of those people live busy lives; yet, they found time to come to this celebration.  Maybe it’s easier to make time if you know it’s the final celebration than if it’s just a regular lunch with a friend, BUT I wondered – if we lived with more gratitude would we spend more time with people?

Can you really give thanks alone?  Thanks has to be with others.

The classic question is: “If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?”  Answer that and you’ll know how to give genuine thanks. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The "Secret" To Successful Business Relationships

Last week I met my friend Becky (names changed) for dinner.  Joining us was Jerold, a colleague of hers, who was interested in having me guest lecture in his class (college).  I arrived early at the hole-in-the-wall restaurant.  While standing at the host counter, I looked around and spotted a woman staring intently at me.  She began waving me over and then yelled across the room, “Are you here for Jerold and Becky?”  Turns out she’s Jerold’s daughter, Sally.  She’d landed at LAX an hour before, having come from a Tokyo vacation.  She knew her dad was having dinner here and thought she’d surprise him.

Sally had heard Jerold mention me and asked, “What is it you do again?”  I didn’t get far into my “elevator speech” before she interrupted me.  She whipped out her cell phone and proceeded to give me a recap of her 5-star vacation – with a complete breakdown of how much she spent.

At first I thought I was being punked by MTV or Betty White!  But then I wasn’t sure how I felt.  Bewildered – insulted – amused?  Who was this woman?

I asked where she works and it turns out she’s a financial advisor at a firm that handles my money.  A connection!  Instead, she simply said, “Guess I can’t get you as a client.”

I tried another tack since I’d visited Tokyo years ago.  I told her that I had lived on an island in the South Pacific and on my way home to NYC, I stopped off in Japan.  She asked if the island had any resorts and when I told her we didn’t even have Wi-Fi, she dismissively said, ”Don’t think I’ll be going there.”

I actually was amused and “somewhat” charmed by her exuberance.  Yes, she was scattered, but not in a mean way.  But, she was scattered.  In that respect, she’s like me and you and so many of us.  It’s easy to get self-absorbed.

She reminded me that, when we’re scattered, we can’t focus on “what” and “who” is important.  And the “who” is always the person in front of you.  Sally was happy to meet me, but I could have been anyone.  All she wanted was someone she could talk to about her vacation until her dad arrived.  Essentially, I was a prop.

Clients often ask how they can become more interesting.  Well, the tried-n-true way to become more interesting is to make the person you’re with feel like they are interesting.  And the way to do that is by asking questions, engaging in conversation, exploring points of commonality.

To be able to talk WITH someone and not AT someone – now there’s the “secret” to building successful relationships!

Coming To The Edge Of Fear

I collect quotes – I’ve got half-a-dozen journals filled with quotes.  A couple of weeks ago, I opened a journal and came across this quote from the French poet, Apollinaire:   “Come to the edge, Life said. We are afraid, they said.  Come to the edge, Life said.  They came to the edge.  Life pushed them and they flew.”   I shared this quote with my client Eugenie (name changed) a few days ago.

Eugenie loves to read self-help books.  She’s even thought that someday she’d like to work as a motivational speaker.  For now, though, she’s a computer analyst at an international tech company.  This past year she’s been asked to give guided tours to inner-city middle-schoolers.  The hope is that the kids can see there is a wide choice of careers in life and especially that girls can have a role to play in the high-tech world.

Eugenie is not as comfortable as she’d like to be when speaking.  While she does an adequate job, she knows she could be so much better.  One of the things that puzzle her is the issue of ‘enthusiasm’.  She’s concerned that if she’s too excited, too “bubbly” in her talk with the kids, they won’t take her seriously. 

Eugenie has convinced herself that giving these kids the facts of what she does, without too much enthusiasm, will let them see that what she does is serious and important work.  Passion, though, is just what these kids need to see in a grown-up!  They need the love.

I pointed out that someday she hopes to become a motivational, self-help speaker, so why not start now?  She looked stunned when I asked this.  She explained that her work is not inspiring and is rather mundane.  When I asked why she does it, she quickly responded, “Oh, I enjoy it!”  She then elaborated on all the aspects where she derives satisfaction. 

I again asked why she thinks sharing the pleasures of her job would make kids not take her seriously.  I then challenged her with, “Why not use these school tours as an opportunity to practice being a motivational speaker?”

She responded with the all too familiar words: “I’m afraid I won’t do a good job.”  “You mean a ‘perfect’ job” I corrected her.  She smiled.

In my post for Labor Day, I told you about my “Go Big! Go Bold!” challenge where I urged you to commit to doing something you’ve put off doing for too long.  The truth is, you don’t have to do something huge in order to “go big.”  Little things can be bold things.

I suggested to Eugenie that she doesn’t have to turn her entire talk into a motivational spiel.  All she has to do is something she’s never done before in her talk.  That means, all she has to do at the end is say something like, “As much as I enjoy my job, I know that I won’t be working at this company forever – because there are so many things I want to do in life, with my life.  And you can, too.”

If Eugenie says those two sentences to the kids, she will have done something bold.  She will have gone to the edge of her fear and allowed Life to push her.  I guarantee she’ll fly.

Maybe A Ghost Story

I recently was at a store (in Toluca Lake) that I frequent.  Julian (not his real name) is the associate who’s been helping me for almost a decade.  He knows I write this blog and he excitedly told me that he had a story that might interest me.  It did, so here it is!

Julian’s family has a home that’s two hours outside Puerto Vallarta.  It’s been in the family for generations.  Down through the years, relatives and friends claimed to have experienced hauntings.  Julian himself claims to have seen and felt “things” that he can only label as “ghosts”.  His father-in law, though, scoffs at such nonsense.

Early this summer, Julian and his family went down for the Quinceañera of his niece.  Per tradition, the local Priest came to hear confessions.  Julian’s dad has no use for Church ritual and took a nap when the priest arrived.  He fell asleep and some time later awoke, feeling like someone was pressing down on him.  His legs shook uncontrollably and he freaked out.  He screamed; people rushed in and – nothing.  He insisted, though, that someone had been on top of him.

Hey, it’s Halloween and what’s a column without a ghost story?!  I don’t think Julian made up this tale.  Since I don’t know his in-law, I don’t know if the man is a jokester, had a nightmare or – if he really was assaulted by a ghost.  What I do know is that there’s more to life than we can see.

Not only is there more than we can take in at any one time, I think we’re so overwhelmed that often we don’t pay attention to the little that we can see.

In Thornton Wilder’s classic play, “Our Town”, the lead character Emily dies in childbirth.  Soon after, she asks the character of the Stage Manager if she can return home to live out just one day.  Against his better judgment, he agrees.  Emily is moved by the simple beauty of ordinary life and stunned by how people are unaware of that beauty.  Although invisible to her mother, she cries out, “Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me – it goes so fast we don’t have time to look at one another.”  Back at the graveyard, she asks the Stage Manager, “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?”

It’s easy to take life and others for granted.  It’s also easy to take our own life for granted. 

The countdown for 2014’s end begins with the last piece of Halloween candy – so how do you want the year to end?  Challenge yourself to see just a bit more of what’s there to see and experience.

True Kindness Pt. 2

Last week I told you about a couple who made a decision that, no matter what, they would always be kind to each other.  In some respects, it’s such an old-fashioned notion and yet “kindness” is what we all crave – and need.  Last week I offered you two ways in which to show kindness and now here are two more ways in which you can be kind – to your romantic partner and even to your business associates.

1.  When you say, “I’m kinda mad at you right now”, how mad is “kinda”? Is your “kinda” the same as your partner’s “kinda”? Understated expressions can only confuse your partner. The clearer you are in describing how you feel – and why – the better chance your partner has of understanding you and being able to help you.

AVOID: vague words such as, “a little”, “sort of”, “I guess”, “maybe” and “a few” because while you know what you mean by these words, your partner may not. When you say, “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” how many minutes is that “few”?  The more specific you are, the better you increase your chances of being misunderstood.

2. YOU.  When you attack the other person with a barrage of “you’s” – “You never”, “You always”, “You disappoint me”,  “You make me sick” – all the other person can do is one of two things:  lash out or become defensive.

AVOID: clobbering your partner with the word “you.” This one little word has the power to press your partner’s buttons. You know how you react when someone attacks you with “you,” so why attack your partner with “you” when you know what you’re doing?!

We’re all guilty of what I’ve just described here and in last week’s column. Why? Because old habits die hard. Because we’re lazy. Because we think we don’t or shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. BUT, you do have to explain yourself; otherwise, you’ll drive your partner nuts, who, in turn, will drive you nuts!

Consider these questions as you take stock of how kind you and your partner are to each other:

·      In the past week, how many times have you accused your partner of not “caring”?

·      In the past week how many times have you complained to someone about your partner not understanding you? 

·      In the past week how many times have you understated your feelings or bombarded your partner with “you” accusations? 

·      What would you like to see happen differently?

Remember: You and your partner protect and keep each other sane when you are aware of and acknowledge each other’s feelings, try to understand and not judge those feelings, and take responsibility for owning and expressing your feelings.

Now that’s being kind!

True Kindness

I recently reunited with a couple whose wedding I officiated fifteen years ago. They look older but their spirits are as I remember them. Open, inquisitive, yet clearly defined in their ongoing aspirations. “Jack Daniels” joined us at the table and story begat story. It was a magical night.

As I was leaving, Ira suddenly asked me, “Do you know why Maureen and I are still in love?” Various answers came to mind, but I just said, “No, why are you still in love?” With pride he replied, “We’re kind to each other.”

Ira explained how he and Maureen consciously decided that they didn’t ever want to lose sight of being each other’s partner and best friend—not punching bag or dumping ground for the day’s irritations. So simple, yet so challenging!

While there are many ways in which to be kind to your partner, how you express what you’re feeling is one of the most important. Letting your partner know how you feel in a way that doesn’t turn him or her into that punching bag is one of the kindest things you can do for each other.  Here are two ways to avoid turning your partner into an object of your scorn.

1. Has anyone ever been annoyed with you and sarcastically asked (yelled) “What the f#@* is wrong with you?” And when they asked what’s wrong with you, did you smile, sit down and tell them what’s wrong with you? Didn’t think so!

Loudly attacking someone with phrases such as, “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re driving me nuts!” will definitely drive the other person away. The only problem is they’ll be so annoyed with you that they won’t want to talk to you later on or help you. And why should they?

AVOID: outbursts. They just signal that you’re in a bad mood without offering any insight into why. There’s never a good time to be nasty!

2. Do you end heated “discussions” with, “That’s just how I am”?  No one is ever “just” something. We always feel a certain way for a reason. If you don’t tell the other person why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, they’ll storm off thinking that you’re a jerk (or some stronger word).

AVOID: dramatic declarations. They provide no clue as to why you are the way you “just” are and most likely your partner is going to feel “just” fed up with you for stonewalling him or her.

Next week, I’ll give you two more things to avoid doing with your partner (romantic or business) and in coming weeks I’ll review the six things you can do to help your partner understand what it is you’re feeling.

Kindness – a brave and generous gift!

Who Made You Who You Are Today?

In the latest issue of Esquire Magazine, fifty men celebrities, ranging from Chris Pratt to Marco Rubio, offer a snapshot of the person(s) who helped to make them the person they are today.  Their answers are moving and got me thinking about who has helped to make me the man I am today.

I’ve been fortunate to have a number of remarkable men and women cross the path of my destiny.  I am especially grateful to a man who taught me the gift of listening as well as the gift of utter graciousness.  That man is Fay Vincent.

If his name sounds familiar it’s because in 1989 he became baseball’s eighth commissioner.  I first met him a few years earlier when he was Executive V.P. of Entertainment for Coca-Cola, which, at that time, owned Columbia Pictures.  I’d just resigned from ministry and was without work, hoping though to find my way into the world of film.  I was the “bubble boy” coming out of the bubble and I was lost.

Through a friend of a friend (the true Hollywood way), I got a meeting with Fay.  At the time, I was clueless as to his stature.  I met him at the Beverly Hills Hotel where he was staying.  And, yes, I was nervous and uncertain.  “Cordial” doesn’t begin to capture his graciousness.  As I sat down, he picked-up the phone and called the front desk.  He asked not to be disturbed for the next fifteen minutes.  He then turned and matter-of-factly said, “So, tell me your story.”

For fifteen, uninterrupted minutes, that’s what I did.  And at the end, he simply said, “Well, we have to get you a job.”  He told me to call his assistant the following Monday and she’d have names for me to contact.

Come Monday, I decided not to call since I thought he’d just been “nice” and didn’t really mean what he’d said.  On Tuesday, his assistant called, wondering why I hadn’t contacted her.  When I told her, she was taken aback and assured me, “If Mr. Vincent didn’t want to help you, he wouldn’t have led you on.”

Well, eventually I did get a job thanks to his introduction – but that’s another story!  Ever since then Fay Vincent has been a hero of mine.  He listened when there was no reason to do so.  He gave me his full attention when I was desperate for someone to see me.  He believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

Those last three sentences are such clichés – yet so true.  I now try to be for others what Fay was for me.

What about you – who helped make you the person you are today?

How To Make The "Right" Impression

I was at a Starbucks jotting down ideas for this column when I overheard a weathered old man ask a pre-occupied woman, “do you know how to catch a polar bear?”  Before she could answer, he proceeded to tell her!  Life can be delightfully random at a Starbucks.  Life, though, is seldom random at a business meeting where people are wonderfully consistent. 

Last week I sat in on a product development meeting with my new client, Winnie.  She’s fun, articulate and insightful – though at this meeting she seemed to shrink before my eyes.   She was lead on the project, had done her prep and, yet, she was soft-spoken, allowed herself to be interrupted and contradicted, smiled in a humble manner and lacked the energy needed to propel her ideas around the table. 

Later, during our debrief to determine what had happened, she offhandedly mentioned that her father always told her, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”  I’m not brazen enough to contradict The Beatitudes, but I do know that “the meek” don’t get heard at a conference table in 2014!

We often think that “what” we say is more important than “how” we say it.  The truth is just the opposite.  In any given conversation a full 80% of what we pay attention to is the non-verbal – body language, facial expressions, tone of voice.  Only 20% of what we pay attention to is the actual content of what’s said.

What this means is that our body has to match our words and our words have to match our body.  When confused, people will “listen” to our bodies and not our words.

Enthusiasm and conviction have to be embodied so as to create an impression that assures people you know your stuff, you’re competent – in short, that you’re trustworthy.

We bemoan the b.s. artist who advances through the company’s ranks but often, the flim-flam artist gets ahead because he or she is good at creating the “right” image.

I’m not encouraging you to lie or to be someone you’re not.  I am, though, encouraging you not to shrink from who you can be.  If you believe you’re offering value then you need to fully express that value – with your words and your non-verbal.

On October 19^th I’ll be offering a workshop, along with my actor friend, Stacy Edwards, on “Acting Techniques For Business Professionals” over at the “Keep It Real” Acting Studio here in Toluca Lake.  The workshop will help you become: quick thinking on your feet, strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you, creative in managing difficult behavior, confident when making a presentation.

If you’d like more info, please email me.  There are three spots left!

The Power Of "Not Wanting"

Last week I met with two clients who were as different as night and day, though each shared a similar fear.

Leslie is a new referral who’s been out of work for five years.  Her expertise is a niche that was hit hard in the recession.  There are other issues, though, chief among them being her obsession with perfection.

A few years ago her goal had been to become a CPA.  She signed-up for classes and got a steady stream of “C’s”.   Since nothing less than an “A” would suit her, she labeled herself a failure and quit.  She says she still wants to become a CPA but is paralyzed with fear – of “failure”.

Another client, Ella, had just received an exciting job offer – one she wasn’t sure she should take.  For the last five years, Ella’s been working in a comfortable job that hasn’t demanded much from her.  And that’s how she’s wanted it.  She burnt out running her own business and had wanted a job where she could replenish.  She found it, but now she’s afraid – can she take on this new job with all of its challenges?

I have no doubt she can – she’s successfully reinvented herself several times.  But she has the nagging fear, “what if I fail?” – and the even more nagging, “what if I succeed?”

Leslie, too, worries about success and admitted she doesn’t know what she’d do if she became a CPA.  I told her there’s only one way to find out! 

By the end of my session with Leslie, she had tears in her eyes, overwhelmed by it all.  By the end of my session with Ella, she had a big grin on her face, as she knew what she had to do.

Although I’m not a psychologist, I know that within each woman there are deep “issues” stirring.  I think, though, each was wrestling not only with what she wanted BUT also with what she did not want.

Ella reached a place in her life where she no longer wanted to sleepwalk through a job.  That feeling of “not wanting” gave her strength to push aside fear and claim what she did want.

Leslie is at a place where she doesn’t want to let go of her need to be perfect.  To believe that she could live a satisfying life imperfectly, is too frightening a proposition.  She doesn’t want to let go of the image of how she should be and so she’s stuck.

Growing-up we’re often asked, “What do you want to be?”  Maybe, though, the real question is, “What do you not want to be?”  Answer that question and you’ll have the strength to choose your life with courage.

What I Learned This Summer

This past week I finished teaching an eleven-week course at UCLA Extension on “The Dynamics Of Interpersonal Communication.”  It was a remarkable experience for many reasons – and since I haven’t received the class evaluations, I’m presuming that my students also enjoyed the course!

There were twenty-six participants, only four of whom were from the U.S.  They ranged in age from early twenties to late fifties.  They came from Tunisia, Morocco, Romania, Italy, Sweden, Denmark, South Korea, France, India, China, Japan, Indonesia, Philippines and Mexico.  For some, English was their third language.

On the first night, the room was quiet before start of class as each person was focused on their smart phone or tablet, ignoring the person just a desk away.  On the last night of class, the room was a chatter fest, as though these folks had known each other since pre-school.

What accounts for the radical change?  They learned how to have and enjoy a conversation.  Simple as that!

I’m convinced that real learning takes place in a relaxed atmosphere conducive for conversation.  And so each week I’d give them ample opportunities to talk – in pairs and in small groupings.  I’d give them questions that sprung from exercises we’d do related to that night’s focus.  Not role-play – just conversation in which they had the opportunity to talk from their perspective.

In the talking, they surprised each other.  Most came to the course wanting to learn how to be confident when dealing with the stranger, especially in challenging, difficult situations.  While I taught about listening and emotional intelligence and conflict strategies, more than that I invited them to put down their phone and look at the person sitting next to them – not as a stranger, BUT as a person who just might be worth getting to know.

By the last night of class, they figured out how to allow themselves to be surprised with a new way of understanding others as well as their own self.

And what did they learn?  They learned that most people come from families that baffle them.  That most worry about “what will they think?”  That they’re not the only one uncomfortable speaking in public and that everyone longs to be more confident. Everyone resists change – even if they say they don’t. They learned that learning comes from doing. 

They learned the power of story – the power of conversation.  And so they could not help but learn that each person, no matter where they’re from, loves someone, is afraid of something and has lost someone or some thing precious.

They learned, to quote motivational guru Rene Brown, “If I get to be myself, I belong.  If I have to be like you, I fit in.”

Announcing: Acting Workshop For Business Professionals!

Okay, so the photo has nothing to do with this post – BUT, 

now that I have your attention. . .

ANNOUNCING NEW

1 Day WORKSHOP

Sunday, October 19th

“Acting Techniques For Business Professionals”

Effective communication is not only about what you say, it’s about how you say it. 

80% of what people respond to is the non-verbal dimensions of how you’re communicating – posture, facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, inflection.

I often tell my workshop participants that they next need to take an acting class.  So now I’m teaming up with Stacy Edwards, an award-winning actor and acting coach, to present an intense 6 hour workshop that will push your comfort zone (that’s a promise!) as you learn techniques to demonstrate the kind of confidence that’s needed when dealing with difficult colleagues and clients, when presenting new ideas and projects, or when leading a team through grueling deadlines.

You will become MORE:

·      Quick thinking on your feet

·      Accurate when reading non-verbal signals

·      At ease with people different from you

·      Strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you

·      Aware of the emotions underlying stressful situations

·      Creative in managing difficult behavior

·      Confident when making a presentation

·      Non-verbally assertive

·      Relaxed, expressive and open as you go about your business

Because you’re already good at what you do, this workshop can help you break through to the next point of confidence so you can present more clearly the best of who you are at work and in your personal life.

DETAILS

LIMITED TO JUST 10 PARTICIPANTS

DATE:  Sunday, October 19th

TIME:     9:00pm – 4:00pm

LOCATION:     4444 Lankershim Blvd, Toluca Lake, CA 91602 

(corner of Riverside Dr. and Lankershim Blvd.)

COST:  $125  (check or Paypal)

TO REGISTER or if you have questions?  Email me at:  jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com  OR, hey, give me a call at: 818-415-8115

This is going to be a dynamic, fun, skill-sharpening experience and I’m excited to be co-offering this with Stacy Edwards

Stacy Edwards started her acting career in Chicago theater.  She went on to star in Neil Labute's controversial movie, “In The Company of Men”, a role for which she earned her first Spirit Award nomination and for which she received the “best actress” award at Italy’s International Taomina film festival.  Stacy has worked with some of Hollywood’s most respected directors, including Mike Nichols (Primary Colors), Greg Mattola (Superbad) and Sofia Coppola (Bling Ring).  As a series regular, she played Dr Lisa Catera on “Chicago Hope” and has guest-starred on many of TV’s hit dramas including CSI, The Mentalist, Grey's Anatomy and Hawaii Five-O.  In addition, Stacy conducts workshops for actors based on the Meisner Technique as well as offers private coaching.