Quarters, Comics And Teacups – The Power Of Memory

My friend Sue is becoming certified as a life coach.  Last week, her mentor gave her an assignment in which she had to ask ten people to describe a time when she was at her best.  This was a challenging request for those of us who are her friends––there are so many times to choose from!  One memory, though, that especially moved her was offered by her youngest brother.

He shared the memory of a time when he’d lost a tooth and he woke up upset that the “tooth fairy” hadn’t left any quarters.  Sue got some quarters and sprinkled them about his room when he wasn’t looking.  She explained that the tooth fairy must have had a busy night and was running late. Although he was on to her, she made him feel loved and cared for – and that’s when she was always at her best.

Last year I officiated a memorial service for the father of my friend, Ruth.  I’d known her dad, though not as well as many who attended.  I listened intently as they told their stories about him.  For decades he’d been a well-known and respected doctor in Lancaster.  He and his wife, Ruth’s mom, had an open door policy for all the neighborhood kids.

One of those former kids, now a university science professor, shared one of his fondest memories – of how Ruth’s dad had a box full of comic books near one of the bookcases in his den. This science professor said that his love for reading started with that bin of comics.

And then just the other day, I was talking with my niece Mary who told me that she thought of me when she was at the mall.  Seems she was babysitting a neighbor’s five-year-old girl and decided to take her to the mall’s carousel.  She reminded me that when she and her sister Gracie had been that age, I’d take them to that same carousel and put them in the teacups and turn the wheel so hard that we always were the fastest spinning cup – much to the horror of her parents!  She said she gave this girl the same treat.

Three different people.  Three different occasions.  Three different memories.  Hidden quarters; a bin of comics; spinning teacups. Each memory is of such a small and seemingly insignificant experience.  And, yet, each experience had such a holding influence on each person.

Our lives are shaped by ordinary moments that are made extraordinary by people loving and mindful.  That’s the truth and mystery of life.

So, when were you at your best?   

Go ahead and ask some trusted friends or family or even colleagues and let your self be surprised. 

"Should" - Such An Annoying Word!

A client recently asked: “How do I professionally counter when someone starts with ‘you should’?  I'm not quick enough to evaluate the situation and defend myself.  I had an incident where I expressed a desire (totally insignificant) and got a ‘you should.’  In this kind of situation, I tend to cave and say ‘right,’ pretending like I’m not insulted.   I’m holding a resentment against this person because when I review the facts, I was on the right track and was frustrated because I had no control.”

This is a situation we often encounter and you’re not alone in feeling frustrated.  Here’s the thing – more times than not, you do have control.  Seldom do we find ourselves in a conversation where we have “no” control.  Thinking you have no control simply makes you a victim.

Yes, it’s annoying when someone launches into a “you should” monologue.  However, some people have almost an obsession with wanting to help by offering advice.  Some people have an obsessive need to control.  And some people think they’re helping most by controlling! 

Why did you feel insulted?  Was it their tone of voice that made you feel inept?  And if you knew this person often offers unasked for advice, why did you tell them what you desire?

How do you maintain control in a conversation?  Simple, really.  Speak up!

When the person asks, “Do you know what you should do?” Smile and playfully give one of these responses: “No – and I don’t want to know!”  OR “I don’t know what to do but I have a feeling you’re about to tell me!”  OR “Only if you tell me in five sentences!”

Make a joke out of it and cut them off before they have a chance to start preaching.

If the other person is getting carried away giving you advice, you can politely, smilingly say: ”Actually this isn’t something I plan on pursuing, so I’m not really looking for advice.”

Why cling to the resentment?  Why cave-in and fume as the other person speaks?  Why are you afraid of speaking-up?  I suspect you’re not responding to the other person because you’re telling yourself something that is making you mute.  Whatever it is you’re telling yourself, it’s a lie.

Don’t think the worse of the other person for telling you what to do.  Chances are, they’re not even aware of this annoying habit because no one has told them about it! 

So, you know what you should do 
when people tell you what you should do?!

·      Stop feeling powerless.

·      Identify the lie you’re telling yourself which is shutting you down.

·      Start smiling.

·      Take control of your half of the conversation.

You do have power!

The Hardest Thing On Earth For You

“Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself.”   

Katherine Mansfield

Recently, at a networking event, Courtney shared with me the harrowing story of her wedding.  The nightmare began with her dream to walk down the aisle in a Size 2 dress.  She went on a diet, exercised religiously and she lost – nothing.

She then hit on a seemingly brilliant idea.  Her migraine medication had weight loss as a potential “side effect”.  So she duped her doctor into prescribing a higher dosage and soon the weight fell off.  However, in addition to losing weight, she also started to lose her mind, having panic attacks and hallucinations.  Still, though, she clung to her goal.

On her wedding day, she looked fab in her Size 2 dress but felt like s*it.  Things worsened on her honeymoon, which she had to cut short.  Less than a month after saying “I Do,” she and her confused husband were thinking of saying, “I Can’t.”

Eventually, Courtney discovered that the medication was the culprit.  24-hours after her last pill she returned to her senses only to ask – why?  Why had she gone to extremes to become someone she wasn’t?  Someone her husband hadn’t asked her to become?

Days after meeting Courtney, I met Darcy at a holiday party.  Darcy works for a hedge fund and confided that she was anxiously awaiting her bonus because only then would she know how she felt about herself.  Huh? 

She explained that she can’t see herself doing anything other than what she’s doing and if she can’t succeed at this then what’s the use?   A hefty bonus will let her feel like a success and if the bonus doesn’t meet her expectations then she’ll beat herself up wondering what she did wrong.

So here you have two people, each of whom is well educated, street smart and capable at demanding jobs.  And each, with ease, was able to hand over her self-esteem to arbitrary forces.

Courtney blithely allowed the fickle arbiters of wedding fashion to dictate how she should look and how she should feel about looking that way, while Darcy entrusted her self-worth to the whim of a boss who at best was nasty and at worst sociopathic (her admission).

Why would “smart” people do such a thing?  Why not?  So many of us, consciously and unconsciously, decide that we’ll let other people decide what labels to assign us.

As we gain momentum into 2014, have you yet given thought to what kind of person you want to be this year?  Who do you want to be as you set about your work and strategize goals?  Will you choose or will you let others choose for you?

Ask and You Shall Receive!

When my brother and I were growing-up, our mother didn’t allow us to go trick-or-treating as she thought it was a form of begging!  My mother was a proud, self-reliant woman who didn’t like asking people for anything and she instilled that credo into me.  To this day, it’s hard for me to ask even friends for a favor.

Around this time last year, my friend Sue and I went to dinner at her favorite restaurant in Balboa.  The valet, a teenager, opened Sue’s door.  She thanked him and asked, “How are you?”  He blurted out, “hungry!”  She laughed, reached into the car and found a candy bar in the glove compartment.

The valet’s eyes twinkled.  “Best tip of the day,” he shouted.

I was charmed by Sue’s kindness – and amazed that the valet told her he was hungry!  How often are you asked, “how ya doin’?” and you just toss off, “fine” and keep moving?

Since that dinner I’ve been experimenting with “asking.”  For instance, recently at a networking social I was talking with an event planner.  At one point, two women walked by and the planner’s eyes lit up.  I thought it was because he found them attractive (which he did) but he was excited because he was convinced they had appeared on the TV show “Shark Tank.” 

I nudged him to go over and ask them.  He said he couldn’t.  Clinging to my new found motto of “Ask!” I went over.  They hadn’t been on “Shark Tank” but were tickled for being mistaken.  We chatted, exchanged cards and I went back to the hapless planner with a new ice-breaker question for social events!

Throughout the year I’ve been practicing “asking” – for introductions to new clients, for higher fees from clients, for opportunities to speak at organizations.  I’ve experimented with asking good people for simple favors.  And each time I’ve psychologically closed my eyes, held my breath and waited for – the worse to happen.  And it never has!

At least 90% of the time people were happy to help me.  They were happy to know of my services and of how I could help them.  And that’s part of the “secret” to healthy relationships. 

Mutual helping.

When I think on Sue’s encounter with the valet, I realize she asked a throw-away question in a way that the valet felt comfortable answering her.  Or maybe it’s that he was a teen and so was far less inhibited than the rest of us grown-ups?

No matter what, he told her and she answered his need.  And that’s really the simple reality––unless we tell people what we need, we don’t have much of a chance of getting our needs met.

Ask!  Tell!

10 Ways To Becoming More Sane In 2014!

I’ve collected some of my favorite writings from 2013 – and I think if you pick just one article and practice what I suggest for at least a month, you’ll begin to see that life is getting saner for you!

I know – that’s a BIG claim.  BUT. . .drop me an note at jp@jpr-communications.com and I’ll send you a copy of “Ten Ways To Becoming More Sane in 2014.”  Take the challenge - see the difference.

Enjoy!

~JP

Are You A Manager? Then Read This Article!

If you’re a manager looking to set goals and make resolutions for 2014, then I urge you to read this article written by Adam Bryant of The New York Times.  This is a piece that I’ll be coming back to in upcoming workshops and seminars.

Enjoy!

Management Be Nimble

By ADAM BRYANT  / NYT  /  1/4/14

“We aspire to be the largest small company in our space.”

When Dominic Orr, the chief executive of Aruba Networks, said those words, he crystallized a goal I had heard many leaders express during the hundreds of interviews I’ve conducted for the Corner Office column: they want to foster a quick and nimble culture, with the enviable qualities of many start-ups, even as their companies grow.

All leaders and managers face this challenge, regardless of the size of their companies. Even the founders of Google have worried about losing the magic that helped propel their search engine’s phenomenal growth. When Larry Page announced that he was taking over the chief-executive role from Eric Schmidt a few years ago, he explained to reporters that the company needed to move faster and recapture the agility of its early days, before it grew into a colossus.

“One of the primary goals I have,” Mr. Page said at the time, “is to get Google to be a big company that has the nimbleness and soul and passion and speed of a start-up.”

Discussions of corporate culture can easily fall into platitudes and generalities, so I set out to answer a more specific question: What are the main drivers of corporate culture — the things that, if done well, have an outsize positive impact, and if done poorly or not at all, have an outsize negative impact?

continuing reading. . .