Friday, April 24, 2015

How Good A Listener Are You? Take A Challenge!


   

Many thanks to Brian of Perryfield Films for taping my recent talk at WIPA – here’s my take on LISTENING.
Note: I do a brief exercise with the gathering and you might want to play along.  Before playing the video make sure you have a pen + paper nearby.

Enjoy!
~JP

Monday, April 20, 2015

What Makes A "Pro" A "Pro"!


As I’ve mentioned before, in addition to my communication coaching and teaching, I officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  I belong to several national wedding associations, including one named WIPA.  Recently I attended a networking event WIPA held at The Roosevelt Hotel.

It was a fun, festive event.  Looking around the ballroom at my fellow wedding vendors I realized what a lucky guy I am because in this sphere of my life I get to work with some of the most deep-down good people you will find anywhere.  While the wedding industry is not all fairy tale dreams, it is an arena that attracts some remarkable people.

In reflecting on what allows my colleagues to shine, it occurred to me that wedding professionals work from a place of heightened awareness of the client.  Because it is a people-centric industry, the world of weddings is demanding and challenging, but so much of it is creative and innovative.  The folks I admire take pride in their “brand” and  relish being part of a larger endeavor.  They respect their colleagues’ brands and admire each other’s handiwork and skill wanting to know,  “how did you get to be so good at what you do?”

A wedding pro knows that without the satisfaction of the couple their work means nothing.  And this truth guides them in the joy they take in their work.  Critics of weddings say that it’s all a whole lot of nonsense for just one day.  I think a real wedding pro knows that it’s a whole lot of something for the purpose of celebrating life.  While I enjoy officiating weddings for many reasons, the chief reason is that I’m part of something bigger than me – something that is life-affirming.   

Of course, not everyone can work in the wedding world and be a member of WIPA but  I think that at some point you need to look around where you work and ask, “am I happy to be sharing my energy with these people”?   What’s more,  eventually, I think each of us has to answer this question: “Why do I do what I do?” 

If you’re unhappy in your work, then I’ll tack on the follow-up question of, “If you weren’t doing what you’re doing, what would you be doing?”  And, hey, I’ll tack on the follow-up to the follow-up – “Why aren’t you doing it?”

I don’t want to come across as pie-in-the-sky because I know you need a job.  Each of us, though, needs something else – we need “meaning.”  Mark Twain said that, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

What are the sources of meaning in your life?

Friday, April 10, 2015

The Power Of Rejection



I had a call the other day from Dale, a former client who had just received her first rejection letter from a publishing house.  Dale has written a children’s book and her dream is to have a major imprint publish it.  We’d spoken last December about the world of publishing and I told her that she’d have to push through many rejections before finding the editor who believed in her and her book.  She called to thank me for that advice because it took the sting out of her first rejection.

Was Dale happy to receive the rejection letter?  No, of course not.  Was she devastated and defeated?  No.  Dale didn’t take the rejection personally because she understands this is part of the process.  To be a writer is to be rejected!  And another part of the process involves readjusting her strategy based on feedback from that first rejection. 

Clients will often say to me, “this is hard!” – “this” meaning whatever project they’ve undertaken or the particular process of changing whatever it is they’re set on changing.  Duh!  Of course it’s hard.  Why would it be otherwise?  Hard, though, doesn’t mean impossible.  Hard simply means it’s not going to happen as fast or as easily as you’d like it to happen.

At the risk of sounding trite, something is only as hard as we choose to think of it as hard.  Rejection is unpleasant.  Dale doesn’t deny that.  Rather than moaning how hard it all is, she’s now saying to herself, “I want to be published and this is part of the process.  I’m glad I’ve gotten my first rejection since it means I’m closer to getting published!”  That’s not being Pollyanna-ish.  That’s being a realist.

On May 5th, my friend Melissa will have her first book published – “Pieces Of My Mother.”  It will be an occasion for great celebration because she began the book twelve years ago and she was rejected twenty times.  Her publisher will be sending her on a book tour across the country and she’ll be profiled in several national magazines.

Yes, it was hard for Melissa to write the book.  It was hard for her to remain faithful to the project.  It was hard for her to be rejected time after time.  The truth is that she didn’t know if the book would ever be published.  She chose to see doubt and rejection as part of the process, adamantly believing the project was worthy of her best. 

To know what or who is worthy of your best and to commit to that project or person – wow!  Does life get any more real than that?

What about you?  What or who is worthy of your best?

Friday, April 03, 2015

Why "I Just Like To Listen" Is A Cop-Out



Last week I had an email from Michelle (name + details changed), a potential client who wants to learn how to speak-up in meetings and conversations.  Here’s some of what she wrote:

“I’ve been trying to work on “finding my voice.” Often, I don’t express my own opinion or defend my point or I simply don’t insert myself in the conversation enough, preferring to take a back seat and let other people enjoy the spotlight.

As convenient as this can be, in that I don’t have to put myself at risk of arguing with others, spending time and energy elaborating a certain point or defending my position, I realize it’s also a source of dissatisfaction and confusion. . .I feel better once I’ve made myself heard, but it’s still a “work-in-progress” because I tend to slip towards old patterns of passively letting other people expose themselves to the “public eye” while I remain passive and silent.”

Michelle is like many of my clients who hold back in conversations and end up frustrating themselves and others.  Why are people hesitant or afraid to enter into the fray of a conversation?  For some it’s a habit that developed in childhood.  Some are perfectionists obsessed with speaking perfectly formed and correct thoughts.  For others, they’re afraid that if they say the ‘wrong” thing people will judge them stupid and withhold approval.  For still others, they’re more comfortable formulating their thoughts in their heads before sharing them.  The problem with this approach is that by the time they’ve processed what they want to say, the conversation has moved on!

By holding back, you’re denying others the benefit of your perspective.  Even if your perspective is askew, it can move the conversation along in a productive way.  In addition, you’re confusing people because they don’t know if you’re uninterested or if you’re simply uninteresting!  Most disturbing, your silence gives others power over you.  You let them determine what you’re thinking and feeling.

What to do?  First, understand why you’re quiet.  What are you telling yourself that is keeping you quiet?  And really, what is the worst-case scenario?  Commit to making one-to-three comments during a conversation.  Use phrases like, “let me jump in here” or “just to backtrack on what was said earlier” to help you ease into the conversation.  Don’t dismiss your ideas by beginning with, “this is probably going to sound stupid – just say it!

What’s the point of being with people if you’re not going to contribute to the overall tone of the gathering?  You don’t have to dominate.  You don’t have to be the expert.  You can enjoy “listening” and still contribute.

Remember – wallflowers are for the bedroom – not the meeting table!