When growing up, my father used to say: “kid, don’t upset your mother––whatever she wants, say ‘yes’ and then do what you want, just don’t let her know.” Sounded good to me, so that’s what I did! When I tell this anecdote to workshops, people gasp––and then laugh, as it’s so outrageous and, for some, rings true.
From an early age I learned how to not rock the boat and I became astute at pleasing people. Over the years, I’ve way-too-often said “yes” to a request when, in my heart of hearts, I knew that I couldn’t conveniently, readily, or punctually do what the other person asked of me. I’d say “yes” ––only to disappoint and then have to go on at great length apologizing for not getting done what I said I’d get done.
In recent postings I’ve talked about the ways in which people can be difficult. Ironically, people who want to get along with others, who want to gain their respect, are often times the most difficult!
Why?
If a person’s self-confidence is so shaky as to make them socially insecure, then they might obsessively focus on wanting to get along. Because they don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the possible future of a relationship, they don’t speak truthfully––or, in some cases, they don’t speak at all.
Three ways in which people can bite their tongue:
THE MUTE PERSON lacks confidence in their ability to present themselves in an intelligent, engaging way and so they say nothing, thinking this will ingratiate them to others.
THE YES PERSON is so eager to gain the liking of others that they don’t stop to think about what is being asked of them. They believe that it’s their mission in life to help out everyone, no matter the cost to themselves.
THE MAYBE PERSON is sly. They know they have to speak up, they also know they can’t do what you’ve asked of them, and they are torn because they’re fearful of your reaction if they give you a direct “no.” So, they hedge their bets. They string you along with a well-turned “maybe.”
When a person doesn’t express their self honestly, afraid of being disowned, they can only grow in anxiety and resentment. After a while, they look upon their self as a martyr or a doormat and blame others. Then, the person usually becomes more difficult.
So, how can we help these people?
By helping them find their voice.
You help the person who responds with nothing by being PATIENT. Ugh! I am not a patient person, so I say this knowing how challenging it is. Your goal is to coax them into revealing what they’re thinking and feeling. You do this by letting them know that you want to know and explain why it’s important you know. Prod them along with open-ended questions. Do what you can to reassure them that there are no negative consequences.
You help the person whose favorite response is yes by being PATIENT. Ugh! Patience again. Your goal is to get them to either realistically sign-on to a task OR to honestly back down from a task they’re not able to complete in the way you need. Reassure them that you appreciate their generosity and that you’ve got viable options if they can’t help you. They may very well say “yes” three times before they actually ‘fess up to the truth.
You help the person who holds fast to a maybe by being PATIENT. Ugh! Yes, all three of these people demand that we make the time (anywhere from an uninterrupted 5-10 minutes) to train them to speak. Your goal for the maybe person is to help them learn how to make a decision that is in the best interest of both you and themselves. You want to reassure them that taking a clear stand helps each of you and explain how it helps.
Go ahead and show a "people-pleaser" how to “rock the boat!”
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