One of my favorite resorts is The Pelican Hill in Newport Beach, CA. Beginning with the car valets on through to the managers, the service is impeccably warm, gracious, understanding, and laced with good-natured humor. The Director of Catering told me that the resort’s guiding motto is “the pursuit of perfection.”
I appreciate that word “pursuit” because it implies that perfection is never fully attained or rather that perfection can only be found in the pursuit.
People who obsess with perfection can often slip easily and unknowingly into difficult behavior. As a “recovering perfectionist” I’ll testify to this.
How does a difficult perfectionist behave?
When your driving goal is to get what needs done perfectly, then you’ll become a contortionist to avoid a mistake. When you feel thwarted by seemingly insurmountable obstacles or when you cave in to the demon voices that tell you perfection is lost, you become one of two things––a wallowing pessimist or a ruthless perfectionist.
Your despair can appear as:
THE WHINER who complains because they’re hardened in the belief that they’re impotent in their pursuit of perfection. They lose hope because of all the problems that stymy them and, feeling hopeless, they harp on those problems as proof that all is lost. They strive to be “perfect” in their whining!
THE NO PERSON who nay-says everything in a way that is more abrasive than assertive. Their mantra is “we tried it and it didn’t work” and repeat it as though in a trance.
THE NOTHING PERSON who shuts-up and literally says nothing because their frustration has gripped their throats preventing them from speaking.
How do you deal with people when they belligerently give in to despair of their own making?
Don’t get entrapped by their negativity. They want you to feel guilty for your part in failing to bring about perfection and/or they want you to feel as negative as they do and/or they want you to go to great lengths to soothe them, taking satisfaction from knowing that you’ll never be able to.
It’s all whack-a-doo and, yet, within the parameters of its own logic, “perfectly” sensible! So, how do you deal with and manage such behavior? By not doing the following:
Don’t get angry. Don’t be impatient. Don’t try to solve their problems.
When dealing with the Whiner, sift through their complaints to figure out what the main concern is that has brought them to this dark place. Reassure them that you need their input and that you’re convinced a solution can (must) be found. Firmly guide the discussion so that you continually shift back to the focus of solutions and not impasses.
When dealing with the No Person, remind them that you want to use their experience and insights into reaching a goal. The past informs the present but does not dictate the present. Acknowledge their past contributions and ask specifically for what you want from them.
When dealing with the Nothing Person, acknowledge them: I know that you want this to be right and I value that. Explain why and how you need their input. Help them contribute by asking open-ended questions in a way that is genuinely inquisitive and collegial.
When dealing with any of these three behaviors, one conversation most likely will not be enough. These are ingrained patterns and beliefs and you have to consistently chip away at the perfectionist’s protective barriers.
If you assert your goals and objectives, explain why they are vital, and why you need the person onboard in a way that is realistic and motivating then you’ll go a long way to turning him or her into a person who is driven by the ‘pursuit” of perfection and not perfection itself.
No comments:
Post a Comment