What Makes A Person Boring

Boredom occurs when you fail to make the other person interesting

Warren Bennis

For over twenty years I’ve had the privilege of helping people find their voice––helping people learn to communicate in smart, healthy ways.  I’ve coached hundreds of men and women from their teens through to their seventies.  I’ve worked with people involved in multitudinous works, across the globe.  I haven’t seen it all, but I have seen a lot.

While I know that I’ve had an impact on many people’s personal and professional lives, I also know that I’ve not been able to help everyone who has sought me out.  In fact, there are probably just as many people I haven’t been able to help, as there are whom I have been able to help.

Part of the reason is that I simply can’t be all things to all people.  Not every teacher or doctor or lawyer is the right fit for every potential client.  And so I’ve had to learn my limitations and over time, I’ve learned to be more intuitive, more honest, and more strategic in accepting clients.

Acknowledging all this, though, during the past eighteen months I’ve especially grappled with the question: why are some people able to acquire a large repertoire of communication and interpersonal skills and others seem not able to expand their skill set?

I wrestle with this question in part out of curiosity, in part out of pride (why can’t I “fix” everyone) and in part, large part, because I’m genuinely baffled.  What is the difference between people who are successful in relationships and people who are at best stilted and at worst alienating in their relationships?

Well, I think I’ve come to an answer and what I now believe is that the difference rests with whether a person is interested in and likes people or is disinterested and insulated emotionally and intellectually from people.

I’m amazed at how many people I encounter who just seem to be not curious about people.  They’re not interested in other people’s stories, in what makes them tick, or in how they share similar fates.  Recently, I had a client who is a psychologist and who came to me because she doesn’t like talking with people!  She’ll give them her attention and skill for the fifty minutes she’s being paid and then she wants them gone.

I now realize that if you don’t like people you’re not going to know how to learn to communicate in ways that are smart, strategic, and healthy.  Skill is only rooted in interest.

Of course, the next question is: is it possible to teach someone how to be interested in people?  Hmm. I’ll have to get back to you on that. . .