Peter Bregman writes regularly online for Harvard Business Review. I always look forward to his postings as he
consistently offers insight into the mundane yet critically important aspects
of our daily communication interactions.
This is a condensed version of his May 31st posting and it’s one
I’ve reread several times. I’ve seldom
been as challenged by an article as I am with this:
It had been
three weeks since my throat started to feel sore, and it wasn't getting better.
So I decided to spend a few days speaking as little as possible. This made me
acutely aware of when and how I use my voice. Which led me to a surprising
discovery: I spend considerable energy working against my own best interests.
In my
observations, we speak for three main reasons: 1.To help ourselves
2.To help
others 3.To connect with each other.
Frequently, I had the urge to gossip about
someone else. I realized that I did this to help myself (I will feel better if
I think I'm better than that person) and to connect with the other
gossipers. But clearly that
would distance me from the people about whom I was gossiping. In fact, it would
probably even distance me from my fellow gossipers too; who could trust someone
who talked behind other people's back?
I also had the
urge to share information when I thought it would be helpful to someone. That's
a productive reason to speak. But
several times I had the urge to say something simply to show that I knew the
answer. Or to get attention. Or to increase my power in the group. It
became clear to me that my urge to speak in those moments came from my desire
to feel special.
Sometimes I
wanted to help myself by getting the answer to a question, or making sure I was
counted in a decision. That's useful. But other times, I just wanted to make sure my voice was heard over the din of the other
voices. I caught myself wanting to speak over someone in a meeting. Or arguing
a point to get others to agree with me so I'd feel more confident in my own
opinion.
If I were to reduce our counter-productive
speaking to a single motivation, it would be this: We often speak to make
ourselves feel better in the short-term.
But life and relationships are long-term. And when we gossip, raise our
voices, speak behind other people's backs, offer unsolicited opinions, or make
jokes at other people's expense we're isolating ourselves over time.
There was some good news in my experience of talking less: I listened more.
And listening, it turned out, was a much more productive way to achieve my
speaking objectives than speaking.
When I listened, I helped myself, helped others and built relationships at
least as effectively as I did speaking and with much less collateral damage.
Bregman touches on several themes that are at the heart of my own
work. I believe we live in a time when
talk is cheap. Turn to the cable news
channels, listen to politicians, and hear the truth of language being massacred
(and I don’t use that word lightly).
Bregman’s article offers insight into why talk is so cheap—many, most, of
us are trying to feel good in the short term.
And I, too, am guilty of wanting instant gratification. While I don’t enjoy arguing and don’t feel
compelled to get others to agree with me, I do gossip and I can show off in
meetings and conversations.
My need to be liked and approved in the here and now consciously and
unconsciously influences how I speak.
Since reading this article, I’ve made an effort to be more mindful of how
and why I speak, to invite others to talk, and to listen with more interest.
What about you—how does the way in which you communicate satisfy your short
term goals and needs? Interested in
taking a look at the long term?
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