The Legend Of "Big Sue"

Years ago I taught high school on the remote Pacific Island of Chuuk.  At the beginning of my second year, a new science teacher arrived.  Sue had a cute smile, a sharp wit, and she was 6 feet, 350 lbs.  She came from Los Angeles.  In a town of starlets and models, she couldn’t get a guy to give her the time of day.  Disgusted with men, she decided to go far from the maddening crowd.

Chuukians prize big women.  The heavier a woman, the more beautiful she is thought to be.  Within 48 hours of her arrival, word spread that “Venus” had landed.  Sue had “suitors” from all over the island.  She was pinched while walking through the village; men serenaded her at night. 

She endured three months of this passionate attention, and then practically ran back to Los Angeles.

In LA Sue felt ugly.  She gave up on finding love; she gave up on her self.  She fled so as not to have to see the competition.  Once on Chuuk, though, she became the “competition.”  Still, she was not happy.  For her there was only one standard of beauty—the LA standard—and she didn’t match up.

From pre-school through to that business meeting you had last week, each of us is constantly comparing ourselves to others.  Are we smarter, wealthier, more clever than__?  Consciously and unconsciously, we engage in this game of comparing—convincing ourselves that “the other” is the true and only standard of what and how we “should” be.

In working with clients, the refrain I often hear is:  “I’m not as confident as___”  “I’m not as experienced as___”  “I’m not as outgoing as___.”

The question is:  against whom are you comparing yourself?  How fair is it to compare yourself against that person(s)?

While these comparisons might give you some sense of what and who you are “not,” do they really give you a fair  sense of who you are?

What would happen if you did genuinely recognize and respect you?  Consider these questions:

• in the past 3 months what are 3 accomplishments of which you feel proud? 
• what do these accomplishments tell you about who you are?
• is there a personality trait(s) that runs through each of these accomplishments?
• how comfortable are you in recognizing and respecting who you are?

Comparisons are inevitable—it’s just part of being human—BUT, do these comparisons give you a true and healthy sense of who you are and of what you have accomplished, OR, do these comparisons allow you to wallow in a sense of helplessness?