Sunday, September 04, 2016

How To Stop Feeling "Not Enough!"


An archeologist went out on a dig and hired a guide with supplies. The caravan moved along but would stop every so often, more frequently than the archeologist thought necessary.  When he asked why they were making so many stops, the guide replied, “We rest so that our souls can catch up.”
Anonymous


Funny what we remember from childhood. . .

I graduated from grammar school #1 in my class and received The General Excellence Award.  I worked hard for that medal – though not for the right reasons as perfectionism was the great driving force. At my graduation party I remember my grandmother marveling at how nonchalant I was about the award. She claimed that she’d be jumping out of her “pelt” with excitement and pride had she gotten the medal. Although I diligently worked for that medal, I simply shrugged it off. And, yes, it wasn’t the last significant achievement I’d shrug off. I’ve perfected dismissing the good I do with a weary, “Yes, but. . .”

I thought back to that General Excellence award this week as I met with three clients each of whom has the marvelous capacity to shrug off the good and important in their lives. I found myself echoing the words of my grandmother, “you should be jumping out of your pelt!”

Patty (names changed) is plagued with an ill-defined feeling that her team, along with management, doesn’t take her seriously. She worries she’s not able to be who her team needs and wants her to be.  Throughout our session I poked and prodded to determine if her worries stemmed from her own insecurities or were they grounded in office politics. About five minutes before session’s end, Patty casually mentioned that after a recent, particularly grueling, meeting with a client who was demanding more than the company was willing to give, her boss told her, in front of key team players, “I’m proud of you and your team.  Thank you for the great work you do.” 

I was floored. When I asked, “Do you think he was lying?”  Patty quickly said, “No.”  Then why is she insecure?

When Gloria’s company had a leadership change, downsizing was soon introduced and she was one of the first to go. Gloria is accomplished in her field, has an enviable string of academic degrees and is emotionally intelligent. She’s been uncomfortable in her position for some time.

She recognizes this as an opportunity to do what she’s been dreaming of doing – strike out on her own.  She worries, though, if she’ll be to attract lucrative clients. If she does, will they trust her enough to do business with her?  As we talked, she revealed interests and accomplishments that I didn’t know she had.  I was blown away. When I asked, “Why would a client not want someone who is as wildly competent, gracious, engaging and honest as you?” her response was a fumbling pause followed with, “I suppose. Do you really think so?”

Tarek has been in the U.S. for a year. He is well-educated, well-traveled and fluid in three languages including English.  On top of that, he’s engaging and likable.  He, though, worries that people don’t take him seriously because he’s not as familiar with U.S. pop culture as he thinks all Americans are.  He feels that he’s missing out on conversations.  When I pressed for examples of times when he was shunted aside, he couldn’t provide one compelling example. 

Two months after arriving in the States he was offered a position at a top ad agency. In addition, recently, several international venture capitalists have expressed interest in backing a pet project of his. Still, though, he has a vague sense that he is socially lacking in some way.

Given all that he has so far accomplished, I asked, “What more do you want?”  He couldn’t answer.

What more do YOU want? 
What more do each of these wonderful people want? 
What more did I want after nabbing the General Excellence medal?

It is easy to bludgeon our own self with the mantra, “I’m not enough” – which is another way of saying, “What I’ve accomplished is not really real because what I’ve accomplished is just the result of luck, kindness or sloppiness on the part of the other(s).”

Intellectually, each of my clients can reject such stupid talk.  Emotionally, though, each has become seduced with the harshness of the words they lob at their own self.

What to do?  Easy – be kind to oneself and say “thank you” if not to a god, then out loud to the Universe.  Simply acknowledging what really “is” is an expression of thanks. 

·      Being kind to yourself means acknowledging the courage it has taken to do what you have done.
·      Being kind to yourself means honoring the instincts that have allowed you to take the risks that got you to today’s place of gain.
·      Being kind to yourself means being happy in the desire to do more and be more.

To be kind to yourself means to rest in the moment and decide: of all that I have and all that I am what will I take with me as I go forward in creating my life?

Here’s the thing – how do you build on what you’ve accomplished if you do not see what you’ve accomplished?

How do you become who you want to be if you don’t see who you are today?

When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.
Anthony Robbins

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