How To Get Out Of Your Own Way

Recently I met with Jasmin (names changed), a new client who wants to learn how to engage and not repel people. She claims she turns off people because she has a hard time making eye contact and gets nervous when talking, especially with people she doesn’t know and so doesn’t trust.  Because Jasmin has a great smile and friendly energy I was puzzled – what is she telling herself that makes her feel so uneasy that her unease becomes off-putting?

Jasmin eventually revealed that she’s afraid people are going to hurt her – not physically, but emotionally.  But when I asked when was the last time someone had intentionally or unintentionally hurt her, to her surprise, she couldn’t recall! Her fear has as much validity as the fear of getting hit by lightning on a clear day.  While she recognizes her fear is bogus, still, it paralyzes her.

Facing down fear, no matter how irrational, is hard because it requires that we change.  Change demands three things of us: we have to recognize the sneakiness of our resistance – what are we truly afraid of?  Jasmin isn’t afraid of people.  She’s afraid of being hurt by people.  Then, we have to decide we’re not going to continue to be entrapped by our old, fear-induced rituals.  Only when we decide to do something new can we then manage our self-sabotaging behavior. 

Change is not about a personality makeover.  It’s about learning how not to screw things up for yourself!  Here are the four steps you have to take so as not to get in your own way. 

First, when a fear kicks in, stop and ask yourself, “Am I reacting out of habit?”  Jasmin revealed that whens she walks into a meeting at work she gets nervous because she’s afraid of getting hurt.  But there’s no one in that meeting who will hurt her without her permission.  She knows she works with good people, so getting nervous is just her default setting. 

Next, ask yourself, “Is there another way of doing this?”  I urged Jasmin to take a moment before entering a meeting room and say to herself, “I’m entering a room where no wants to hurt me.”  She must talk down the fear of the irrational lie that people want to hurt her.

Third, be present.  Commit to the moment.  Don’t get caught up in psychodrama of your own creating.

Lastly, at some later point, take a moment to acknowledge that you resisted caving in to the power of whatever lie you’ve been telling yourself.  Celebrate the win for “change.”

Our self-sabotaging lies become the air we breathe.  With practice we can reduce their power and break through to a new way of being and doing.