How A "Loser In Love" Inspired Me!

Last month I invited Dylan, an LMU college senior, to speak in my UCLA class “How To Talk To Anyone.”  A few years ago Dylan considered himself boring – and it was affecting his dating life.  Although he’s smart, athletic and good-looking, he was a self-described “loser in love.”  I invited him to my class because his story is rather unusual.

One Saturday night he came back to his dorm room a bit drunk and a whole lot discouraged.  He’d gone to a party and failed to connect with any of the girls.  He went on Facebook looking for distractions when a pop-up ad appeared for a dating coaching site promising near-instant success with women. The guy offering advice promised that his video would reveal, among other things, the secret to making every conversation have the “fun, seductive vibe all the best do naturally.”

Desperate and willing to try anything, Dylan bought the video.  Somehow he was able to look beyond the cheese and extract the key truths behind the hype. He grew in confidence and learned how to engage girls (and guys) in conversation.  And, yes, he now has a great girlfriend. 

Dylan offered my class four key truths he’s learned – truths that extend beyond dating and that go to heart of being both engaging and confident:

First, HOW you say something is even more important that WHAT you say.  Non-verbal sets the tone, i.e. the basics of the look in the eye, the smile, and an assured handshake.   

Second, trust the “60/40” Rule – upwards of sixty percent of what goes on in a conversation is beyond our control.  If a person has had a lousy day or is preoccupied in any way, then that will influence how they see and respond to you.  You have to take care of and be responsible for the forty percent that’s in your control.   

Third, understand the “value” you bring to an encounter.  If you don’t believe you bring any value then why should you expect the other person to value their time with you?  Keep telling yourself that you’re “boring” and your words become a self-fulfilling prophecy.   

Fourth, learn from failure.  Not everyone will enjoy you, yet you can learn from every encounter.

So how did I meet Dylan?  I was a guest speaker in one of his college classes.  Afterwards he asked for my card and a couple of weeks later we met for coffee. I shared my story; he told me his and I knew his journey from “boring” to “engaging” had to be shared with my class. 

What Dylan reminded my class is this – no one has to be “boring.”   

Boring is a learned trait and so it can be unlearned!