Are You Interesting Enough?

NOTE:  Currently, I’m teaching a six-week workshop at UCLA Extension titled, How To Talk To Anyone.  The workshop is aimed at people who want to figure out how to talk tactfully, intelligently and spontaneously in a variety of situations and with a broad range of people. I’m posting progress reports here as well as updates on what I’m doing to help the participants find their own individual voice.  This is Part 2 in that ongoing series.

Recently I gave a workshop focused on dealing with “difficult people.”  One of the participants, Fred (names changed), a VP at a research company, introduced himself in such a low voice that I couldn’t hear his name.  I asked him to repeat himself and I still couldn’t catch his name.  He spoke so softly he reminded me of the YouTube personality, The French Whisperer.

Later, when I asked the group to consider what makes them individually difficult to other people, Fred admitted that people find him difficult because he’s a low talker.  Well, if you know that the volume of your voice makes it difficult for people to engage with you, why keep speaking at that same low volume?  Or at the very least, why aren’t you making YouTube videos?!

Fred is interesting only insofar as he’s difficult in so puzzling a way.

And what does all of this have to do with How To Talk To Anyone?  In last week’s session I asked the participants, “Who do you enjoy talking with?”  Folks quickly responded with some version of, “I enjoy talking with interesting people.”

When I then asked what makes someone “interesting” they offered a variety of answers including: well-traveled, educated, athletic, musical, artistic, etc.  I gently pointed out that while those traits and abilities have the potential for making someone interesting, I’ve met MANY well-educated, traveled, talented people who I found boring and/or obnoxious.  They simply laughed – in agreement.

Sure, we all enjoy talking with people whose life experiences are different from our own BUT what really makes someone interesting – for all the right reasons?

Here’s what makes someone interesting to me –

confidence + healthy self-esteem + competency + a keen interest in the “other”

A confidently competent person is of little value if they are not genuinely interested in the person(s) they are dealing with.  Simply put, an interesting person knows how to make the other person feel recognized and valued.

When I asked the participants if they considered their own self to be “interesting” most said “NO” or at best only half-heartedly thought they were interesting.  Jacob said he thought he wasn’t “enough” and so wasn’t interesting.  He admitted that no one has ever directly accused him of being boring or of not being “enough” BUT he knows that he’s not enough.

So, true confession, there was a time when I thought I was boring and not enough.  I was heading off to college and didn’t know what to do in order to stop “being” boring.  Before I walked through the campus gates of Fordham, I decided to be bold in reaching out to people who scared me.  The people who scared me were the people who I thought were living life.

I joined the college radio station (WFUV) and I interviewed all sorts of writers and artistic types hoping they’d give me some glimpse into what it was like to live an interesting life.  The most interesting of these people was famed diarist Anais Nin.

With my trusty tape recorder in hand, I went to her Greenwich Village apartment.  I remember how gracious she was when she waved me into her living room.  She served tea and then, just as I had set up the recorder, she abruptly said, “Wait!”  She stood up, went over to phone jack and unplugged the phone.  She smiled and said, “I don’t want anyone to disturb us.”

I was thrilled.  I was honored.  I was humbled.  I was totally under her spell because I felt recognized.  I didn’t feel boring.  I felt enough.  And all these years later, I still cherish that memory.

Here’s the thing – was Anais interesting because she was a bi-coastal bigamist who had also been lovers with the great Henry Miller?  Sure.  And was Anais interesting because she made me feel “enough”?  Absolutely!

Anais gave me the gift that all interesting people give – she gave me her attention.  The origin of “attention” is in the Latin word “attendere” – to reach toward.  And that is what all interesting people do – they reach toward the other person by sharing stories and insights and knowledge and inviting them to do the same.

The truth of the truth is –

you can’t talk to anyone unless you’re willing to be interesting.

I ended last week’s session as I will end this posting – with two odd questions:

What is the best compliment anyone has ever given you?

What is the best compliment you have ever given anyone?

I ask these questions because each one of us has a deep-seated need to be recognized and an interesting person, with extravagant generosity, practices this.

So, try this. . .

This week, be bold in your compliments to friend and stranger alike.  I think you’ll be surprised what “interesting” things happen!