"Complaining" vs. "Criticizing"

photo: callawaygable.com

The other day I met with Jen, a bride who’s frustrated with her fiancé Jack’s lack of involvement in the planning of their 2015 wedding.  As I listened to her, I began to tune her out because her “concerns” were basically a litany of criticisms.  She was so shrill that I wondered why she was marrying Jack if he was such a lazy lout. When I asked her that exact question, she stared at me, puzzled that I’d doubt her choice of a husband. 

Jen claimed that she loved Jack and then proceeded to recite another litany – of all the good he does.  He sounded entirely different from the fiancé she’d been criticizing!  She was caught off guard when I pointed this out and shocked when I told her that I’d been ready to end the meeting, as I couldn't listen to her criticisms. 

All I could think was – if I had a hard time listening to her, what must it be like for Jack?!

Tara Parker-Pope, blogger for The New York Times “Well” section, offers what I think is a critical insight into what makes for a “successful” argument.

Her research on marriage shows that one of the main differences between a “good fight” and a “bad fight” is whether a person begins with a complaint or a criticism. For example, "I wish you went with me to see more vendors" is a complaint as opposed to "You never show any interest in planning the ceremony. What's wrong with you?" which is a criticism.

Which of those two do you think is harsher? Read the sentences again and pay attention to the choice of words. Imagine how you would say each sentence to your partner.

In the first sentence you’re “complaining”—meaning you’re letting your partner know how you feel as a result of their disappointing behavior.

In the second sentence, you’re “criticizing”—meaning you’re attacking your partner and so he or she has only two choices—shut down or lash out.

The first sentence begins with “I” and the second sentence begins with “you.” In the first, you’re taking responsibility for how you’re feeling, while in the second you’re nastily attacking.

Think back on your last argument with your spouse or someone with whom you have an ongoing relationship—did it begin with one of you criticizing the other? Were you upset more with what your partner said or with how he or she said it?

Remember: the goal of communicating is to get understood. Criticize and the other person will shut down. Complain, in the right tone of voice at the right time, and, if they’re honest, the other person will be more receptive to listening to you.

"Choosing" To Grow Old

Last week I presented at a breakfast meeting for an association of folks in the events industry.  Before my talk I was mingling and happened into a conversation just as a woman disgustedly exclaimed, “it’s true, youth is wanted on the young.”  I then was quickly sucked into a conversation on “growing old.”  Of the four people in the group, the oldest was probably no more than forty! One of the men said that when he got old, he wanted to be like his favorite uncle who, at the age of eight-three, was still flying a plane.

On the drive home I got to thinking – is youth wasted on the young?  Well, yeah, there are SO many things I wish I could have told myself when I was in my twenties or I wish someone else had told me.  But, really, how could I have known then what I know today?

“Youth” isn’t wasted on the young because youth is prime time for learning how to live – learning how to live from a place of silliness and fun, stupidity and failure, dreams and adventures.  Youth is about not playing it safe – at least for a brief while.

The great English theologian, John Henry Newman, maintained that, "To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often."  Youth most especially is a time to learn how to practice the art and skill of “change.”

When people fixate on “growing old” I think it’s a sign that what’s really happening is that they’re not changing.  It’s because they’re stagnating that they’re feeling old; if they were “growing” old, they wouldn’t be feeling “old.”

It was the Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw who said that “youth is wasted on the young,” but he also said, “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

The truth is there’s no creating life without hoping.  In his book, “Making Hope Happen,” Shane Lopez claims that hopeful people share two common beliefs – that the future will be better than the present and that we have the power to make it so, though there will be obstacles.

Much like Shaw, Lopez maintains that when we choose hope (it is a choice) we define what matters most to our own self.

At the core of the book is this challenge: “Five years from now, what do you want your life to look like?”

That question implies that we do grow older and that all along the way we choose how we’re going to “grow”.  That eighty-three year old pilot is flying today because of choices he made decades ago.

What about you – what do you hope for your life five years from now?

Unfair Labels

“Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true.”

Brian Tracy

I’m not sure how many books I’ve read in my life, but I know it’s been a lot.  Of all the books I’ve read, my favorite title is “The Mad Woman’s Underclothes,” a little- remembered Germaine Greer book of essays.  It also contains one of my favorite sentences ever: “It is the quality of daily life that matters most.”

What makes for the quality of daily life?  Well, it can easily be argued – good food, good drink, good friends.  And to that I’d like to add, “good words.”  My work is grounded in the conviction that the quality of our life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in our life.  And while much of my work is focused on helping folks learn how to communicate with others in smart, healthy ways, I recently was reminded that how we communicate with our own individual self is just as important. 

Ned is a new client who hired me because he realizes that if he wants to advance in his field, he needs to hone his interpersonal skills.  In our first meeting, Ned told me that he wants to become more confident.  By session’s end, though, I was confused because he enthusiastically spoke of how he enjoys socializing with new people, exploring new venues, and finding ways to push his comfort zone.  He presented himself with a warm, engaging confidence.

I had to remind Ned that while there are situations in which he wants to speak and act with more surety and agility, he already is a man who has considerable confidence.  He’s a man who takes risks, is not afraid of people different from him and who successfully navigates a particular business world that is exacting in its demand for accuracy.  Ned is demeaning himself when he says, “I’m not confident”.

A mystic of old wrote that, “Dark words hobble the soul.”  I love that word “hobble” for it captures how unfair words of criticism can trip us up.  And Ned has been tripping himself up with the label, “unconfident”.

Ned’s first challenge is to toss off the self-imposed label that inaccurately describes who he is.  He’s a confident man who wants to expand the areas in his life where he acts from a place of confidence.  The act of tossing off the label will actually give him confidence as he comes into a fuller understanding of who he is and who he wants to be.

That’s what living a life of quality is all about!

What about you?  What inaccurate labels do you attach to yourself?  What’s stopping you from tossing them off?

What's Your Name?

My friend Anthony (names changed) was guest speaker in an undergrad business class taught by a mutual friend of ours. Anthony works for an international financial powerhouse as director of external communications. 

A week after speaking, he received the following email from one of the students:

Hi, Anthony :)

I met u a little over a week ago in Jeff C's class.  My name is Betty X, I hope u remember me lol.  Anyways I asked if I could email you and see if maybe u might need help, or like and intern or something on anything you might be working on.  So...do you??? lol lol  It would be great to work with you. Like I told you, I am really up for anything long as it has to do with film work lol.  I hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

Betty :)

Although it’s deliciously tempting to mock Betty, I’ll be nice and simply say that the poor girl just doesn’t get “it.”  And what is that “it”?  Well, let me tell you another story.

I recently was chatting with Joe, one of the managers at The Montage Resort in Laguna Beach.  He told me that he loves working for the resort’s parent company.  When I asked him “why,” he smiled and said, “The sweetest sound is the sound of your name and management makes it a point to know who we are.”

Yes, there’s a basic, inherent respect to saying someone’s name and The Montage management gets “it.” 

So what’s the connection between Joe and Betty?  I suspect the reason why Joe appreciates hearing his name is because he knows who he is and what he stands for – and that’s what management is really recognizing when they say his name.

I’ve encountered far too many professionals who don’t know what they stand for.  They are people who cannot say what it is they want to be recognized as.  Clearly, Betty gave no thought as to how she wanted Ted to perceive her. She gave no thought as to what he’d think of her as she pressed “send” on that hot mess of an email!

Betty, though, is like many professionals who give little care to how they present themselves.  And her email is not any worse than so many of the emails my clients receive.

Joe knows who he is and what he stands for.  He knows how he contributes to The Montage and because he values himself, knows himself and is mindful of how he presents himself, he appreciates management calling his name.  That’s real validation. 

When someone calls your name, who is the person behind the name?  What is it that your name stands for?