The Power Of "Thank You"

I began writing this post with the TV on in the other room.  Sitting at my desk, I can hear updates on the search for Bomber Suspect #2.  And so I’m writing this with a steady stream of horror as background noise.  There’s already been much said and much written that I don’t think it seemly for me to add what amounts to my two cents.  And yet, I struggle with how I can put this post into some kind of context for this past week.

The clichés come rushing out––life is unpredictable; life is short; Carpe Diem.  They’re clichés because they’re true, but because they’re clichés, even in the face of numbing images, they lack a rattling call to action. 

The novelist Reynolds Price, had one of his characters, Roxanna Slade, reflect on how “very few human beings of any sex or background are called to anything grander than dinner.”  I think this is true, although those who with generous instincts helped and rescued the injured are those few called to a more heroic moment of being human.

But still the question remains for the rest of us––how do we, you and me, mark the ordinary routine of our lives with integrity and grace?  Well, here’s my one, small but not insignificant suggestion––that we, you and me, say “thank you” to as many people as possible each and every day.  By looking people in the eye and thanking them for their help, their ideas, their efforts, and, yes, even for doing what they’re paid to do but because they do it so well and so seemingly effortlessly.

Years ago I lived in a part of the Pacific known as Micronesia.  Yap is one of the island nations in that region.  My favorite Yapese word is “hosachigachig.”  It literally means, “you are tired” and it’s the Yapese word for “thank you.”  I love the simple directness of the word because, if you think about it, when you say “thank you” to someone, you’re acknowledging that they’ve exerted themselves in some way or manner for you.

It’s been said by “experts” in the fields of criminology and psychology, that when you strip away political and religious motivations from those who execute heinous criminal deeds, you are looking at individuals who are consumed with a raging demand to be recognized.

You can argue with the “experts” but what is true is that each of us yearns to be seen and recognized.

In the face of the horror of so many violent demands to be recognized, what is more human than to set about recognizing the people in our lives with habitual “thank yous”?

How many people have you thanked today?

Dreaming Big

This past week two of my friends experienced the unexpected force of loss. For one it was the death of her father and for the other it was the news that her soul mate is riddled with cancer.  The news of each combined with the fact that my friend asked me to conduct her dad’s memorial, has put me in a meditative mood.

Some time ago I clipped this short, short story by William Bausch:  

“An old man approached the 19^th century poet and artist Dante Gabriel Rossetti and asked him to look at his portfolio to see if his work showed potential talent.  After looking through several sketches, Rossetti very gently told the elderly man that the pictures had little value and showed little talent.

Disappointed but not surprised, the old man asked if the artist might look at a few more drawings done by a young art student.  As he looked at each creation, Rossetti became enthusiastic in his praise.  ‘This young student has great talent and should be encouraged.  Who is the artist?’

The old man said, ‘This is my work from forty years ago.  If only I had heard your praise then!  For you see, I got discouraged and gave up too soon.’"

I like this story because it reminds me that dreaming big has two, often overlooked components.  The first is that in order to dream big, you need to be kind to yourself.  Without kindness, you can’t nurture that BIG dream so as to let it give you life and energy, no matter if you receive discouragement or no encouragement.  Without kindness, you’ll walk away from your dreaming self.

If you think about it, which was sadder––that no one encouraged the painter when he was a young man OR that he allowed the lack of encouragement to stifle him?  I think the real tragedy is that he couldn’t muster enough kindness to offer to his own talent.

The second overlooked component is that if you’re dreaming big then you have an obligation to encourage other big dreamers, and especially to encourage those who are afraid to dream big.

To be obsessed with your dream and not hear or see or sense the dreams of others turns you into a megalomaniac and not a dreamer.

Last December, George Whitman, legendary owner of the beloved Parisian bookstore “Shakespeare and Company” died.  At his funeral, the novelist Jeanette Winterson said he lived in such a way that made many a person ask, “Why should I be afraid of life?”

Indeed, life’s too short to be afraid of life––to be afraid to dream big. 

What about you?  Are you living the life of a Big Dreamer?

Mature Confidence

Last week one of my UCLA students remarked that he used to be more confident when he was younger and he wondered why he lost that confidence.  Then at Easter brunch, the topic of “confidence” came up.  The woman sitting across from me said, “Oh, I used to be so much more confident when I was younger.”  Then someone else chimed in, “I know what you mean; I’m the same way.” 

A couple of random conversations?  Yes, but––since January, I’ve had probably more than a dozen conversations with people, each of whom shared that they don’t feel as confident as they used to. 

It’s got me thinking about how confident I am.  While there’s a part of me that feels more confident in the skills I’ve developed over the years; there’s another part of me that feels less willing to try new things because I don’t feel confident in succeeding.  Oh, how we complicate our lives!

My UCLA student wondered if he’s less confident now because he knows more than when he was younger.  Others have wondered if they’re less confident because they’re less idealistic.  And my Easter brunch friend admitted it might have to do with her being less impetuous.

No one of these people could pinpoint what he or she meant when saying they felt “less confident.”  It was simply a feeling they each had.  I was surprised because each was successful in significant ways.  And in the case of three of them, they came to the States to study.  You don’t decide to live in another country, whose language is not your first, without having confidence.

So what does it mean to have confidence?  I think it simply means this: to know your strengths and to acknowledge your weaknesses.  Relying solely on your strengths and refusing to admit your weaknesses, leaves you being vain and bombastic.  Focusing on your weaknesses and not owning your strengths leaves you with a disabling sense of modesty.

Maybe the challenge is that when young, we tend to focus on our strengths and when older we become more aware of our failings and so think we lack confidence.  With age, though, comes an opportunity to genuinely experience confidence.   

Mark Goulston, Ph.D. defines maturity as: “being able to fully experience disappointment (vs. denying it) and fully ‘taking the hit,’ without becoming angry at someone else or yourself, making excuses, complaining, whining or feeling sorry for yourself and then fully committing yourself to a solution.”

If you think about it, isn’t confidence all about maturity?  Taking responsibility and believing that no matter what, good can come from the power of being responsible––now that’s confidence.

What about you––how confident are you feeling?