How Powerful Are Your Lies?

I recently received an email from Ida (name changed).  She’d heard me speak at a luncheon as was hoping I might be able to help her because she hasn’t dated in ten years!  Here’s a slice of what she wrote:

 “I dated a guy for four years during college.  We dreamed of getting married and growing old together.  There was just one problem: Communication! He could never understand me.  I’d try to communicate how I was feeling but it never ended well.  It left me feeling inept and him frustrated. His family loved me, my family loved him, we had the same morals, the same religion, and the same aspirations in life, but in the end we just fought too much.  It would take us days to resolve a fight because we wouldn’t be able to see eye to eye.  I haven’t date anyone for ten years because I honestly thought that if it didn’t work out with him it wouldn’t work out with anyone.” 

I’m not a dating coach, but I think I can help Ida – at least help her see her situation from a new perspective. 

Relationship is ALL about communication.  The quality of our life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in our life.  I’m not able (at this point) to analyze where and how the communication broke down in her relationship BUT I can pinpoint where the communication broke down in terms of how she communicated with her own self.

Ida decided that because her relationship with her college beau didn’t work out, then, she had no chance with any other man on the face of the earth!  This arbitrary decision was based on a sampling of just one man!  She convinced herself it was true and because she believed it to be true, she cut herself off from the possibility of romantic love.  For ten years she allowed herself to be constrained by a lie.

If she wants to date again, then she can.  The only thing holding her back is the lie she bought into ten years ago.  But here’s the thing – most of us, at one time or another in our lives, buy into a self-imposed lie that ends up sabotaging us.

I have to be “perfect” for people to appreciate me; I have to have everyone “love” me in order to be worthwhile, etc., etc.

Are you feeling constrained, trapped, or demotivated?  Chances are it’s because you’re believing a lie that you’ve convinced yourself is true.  Put the spotlight on the lie, bravely expose it for the nonsense it is and then do something that gives you life and doesn’t keep you locked away.

Oh, and Ida’s joining Match.com this week!

When Opportunity Bumps Into You

Last week I spoke to the juniors at New Community Jewish H.S. on “how to prepare for college.”  While I presume most of you have put your college years behind you, I think the advice I offered the juniors might still be helpful.  Here’s the gist of what I told them:

When I was seven I landed in the hospital for four months with a heart ailment.  The day after I returned home, an elderly neighbor dropped off two shopping bags filled with National Geographic magazines.  Soon I was devouring the stash, dreaming of a day when I’d have my own exotic adventure.

That opportunity came when I was a senior at Fordham U.  Bill McGary, director of Xavier High School in Chuuk, Micronesia (island grouping 700 miles south of Guam) came to my service organization looking for volunteer teachers.  I had no idea where Chuuk was located.  I only knew it was in the South Pacific, home to many of my Nat. Geo. fantasies. 

Turns out, the three years I spent teaching at XHS were the happiest of my life.  They shaped me into the man I’ve become.

Life is funny – had I not gone to Fordham I wouldn’t have met Bill McGary and if I hadn’t met Bill I wouldn’t have gone to Chuuk and if I hadn’t gone to Chuuk, my life would have been the poorer for it.

But here’s the kicker – I hated Fordham U!  Yes, it’s a wonderful school, but I’d gone to Fordham Prep and so had already spent four years on the campus.  I wanted to get away from my overly protective parents, but they’d have none of it.  Fordham was the only school they were willing to pay for.

What I learned and re-learned in my life is that opportunity is everywhere – if only we have the eyes and ears and heart to recognize opportunity when it bumps into us.  I told the juniors that the best way to prepare for college is by learning how to recognize opportunity in unlikely places.  Isn’t that the best preparation for life?

In recent years my friend Ava (name changed) has developed an interest in wines.  Over Thanksgiving we went wine tasting in Los Olivos.  At one winery Ava shared with the woman serving us how she wished she had her job.  Turns out, the woman was in charge of staffing and she was looking for people to add to the roster.

While Ava isn’t going to be quitting her full time job, she is spending weekends working at the winery – and having an utter blast!

Opportunity – it’s everywhere.  Hidden – waiting – unexpected.

What about you – are you ready for when opportunity knocks you over the head?!

WATCH This Video - If You Want To Improve Your Speaking Skills!

WARNING: do NOT turn on the volume for this video!

Huh?

There are many aspects to being an engaging and effective presenter.  And many of those aspects concern the non-verbal, i.e. posture, movement, facial expression, and gestures.

If you’re interested in honing your presenting skills, I suggest you watch this short (5

minute) video – without sound.

Why?

I encourage you to focus on the presenter’s non-verbal and based on his non-verbal see if you can guess what he’s talking about.  THEN, go back and re-watch WITH sound.

I think you’ll be surprised – and amused – and will think about presenting with new insight.

And if you are interested in honing your presenting skills, then please email me and let’s set up a time to explore how I can help you go from “good” to WOW!

jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com

Top 10 Things I Learned In 2014

Last week I went to a “3 Kings” party, celebrating the 12^th Day of Christmas, the traditional feast of the Epiphany.  At one point I was in conversation with four people, all of whom lamented that they still haven’t acted on their New Year’s resolutions.  I’m convinced that in order to strategize for a new year we first need to figure out what we learned in the previous year.  Only then can we determine how to embark on a new year.

My cocktail mates were intrigued when I shared this – and they were stumped as no one could say what they had learned last year.  I was a bit of a hypocrite, though, because I hadn’t thought about what I learned in 2014.  In prep for this column I’ve been mulling over what I learned in these last twelve months.  And since I can barely recall what I did last week, it’s been a challenge!

Granted, it really doesn’t matter to anyone except me what I learned, but I’m sharing here my “Top 10 Things I Learned In 2014” in the hope that it spurs you on with your own list.

In putting this together I was reminded that, “all real learning is relearning.”  While there’s nothing here that I didn’t know already, there is a lot I had forgotten about.  Perhaps the same is true for you.

1.     People have an immense capacity to surprise – stereotyping based on title or first impression is both easy and dangerous. 

2.     Snobbery is truly ugly – and grating.

3.     I can be my own worst enemy.  Ugh!

4.     Often times what is most obvious is most difficult to see – life can be much simpler than we make it out to be.

5.     Love can be easily lost – even between two people whose love you “knew” would last a lifetime.

6.     Opportunity comes from many unexpected places – so long as you keep an open and expectant mind.

7.     Desire is a mysterious force – saying you want something is not the same as actually craving it.

8.     Few things in life are sweeter than spending time with people who have known you for more years than you care to admit to in public – because they are the witnesses to your life.  And nothing is more sacred than spending time with a child (and not checking your cell phone).

9.     Life is harsh and unfair – and the only way to honor those who died way too soon is to live with joyful courage.

10.  Everyone loves a good story – the sure and ready connector of us all.

What about you?  What did you “relearn” in 2014 and how will it help you live an energetic 2015?

A Resolution To Be "Startled" in 2015

My thirteen-year-old godson Finn’s new fav word is “startled” and I have to admit that I’m feeling startled now that 2015 is in full swing!

Newscasters, bloggers and anyone with an opinion are all offering their various “Top 10” lists, while motivational gurus are prepping us on how to plan for 2015.  And, yes, I’m feeling the pressure to join in.

I spent last week toying with my own “Top 10 Ways To Make 2015 The Best Year Ever!” but eventually realized I had my focus out of whack.  I couldn’t suggest ways to plan for 2015 until I’d made sense of my own 2014.

Here’s the thing – before you plan for the future, you have to make sense of the past.  There’s no point in making New Year’s resolutions until you acknowledge the good of the previous year.  To that end, I’ve asked myself five questions:

1.     What did I learn in 2014? 

2.     Who inspired me? 

3.     What gave me pleasure? 

4.     What or who surprised me? 

5.     What am I grateful for?

Staring at these questions, I felt stumped as I realized that during the past year I hadn’t stopped enough times to take stock of where I was or where I was going.  It was all rushrushrush. 

Eventually, I did answer those five questions and, for what it’s worth, here are my answers:

In 2014 I learned to ask for what I want.  I was inspired by a young man who was willing to hit rock bottom before allowing himself to find true love.  I realized with a newfound sense that I enjoy giving keynote talks, not because I like to hear myself speak, but rather, because of the great conversations that take place afterwards with interesting people.  I was surprised by how I made a new friend who has opened unusual doors for me.  And lastly, I’m most especially grateful to a client whose generosity taught me how to respect myself more than I’ve been doing.

While each of these answers – and the insights grounding them – will guide me as I strategize for a new year, the question I lingered over was #3.  Pleasure.  As an unforgiving perfectionist I tend not to “waste” time on pleasure.  Yes – that’s a difficult admission!

For me, one of the great gifts of 2014 was speaking in October at the Titleist Performance Institute’s World Golf Summit.  It was one of the most perfect days of my life – ever.  And as a perfectionist, I never say that about anything.

I speak to many different groups throughout any given year – from non-profits to Fortune 500.  So why was this different?  What made this day “perfect”? 

This time last year Ricardo, a friend of mine who is a sports manager, told me that I needed to speak at The Summit and that he’d introduce me to the organizers.  I was skeptical.  I’d never heard of The Summit and, besides, sure, I play golf, but what could I say to a ballroom of professionals?  Old insecurities flared-up.

Did speaking at The Summit become one of my 2014 New Year’s resolutions?   Not really.  Last year, though, I decided that I wanted to expand the speaking side of my business.  I’ve had great success in coaching people how to speak, yet, for all my own enjoyment of presenting, I’ve never strategically focused on that side of my business.

Why?  Because I’ve believed those insidious tapes in my head – that other people have better things to say than I do; that I wouldn’t meet my perfectionistic standards; and that in some perverse way, I didn’t deserve an opportunity.  All lies that I willingly bought into.

Last year, though, I reached a place in my life where in my gut I knew it was inherently wrong for me not to pursue my long held love of speaking.  I knew that I needed to expand my speaking engagements because if I didn’t, I’d be disrespecting a core part of who I am.  Yet, despite my gut, I almost didn’t let Ricardo introduce me to the organizers––what’s the use?! Was my go-to mantra.

“The Art Of Coaching” was the theme of the conference and I was presenting on “How To Create Trust” in the coaching experience.  When I was seven years old I was hospitalized for four months with a heart condition that later prevented me from playing sports.  Although I outgrew the condition and have led a healthy, physical life, sports remains an arena where I feel unsure of myself.  And I never like feeling unsure.

I worried about this presentation more than I normally would – convinced that I had snagged an invite to speak through some kind of subterfuge.

But when I checked into the hotel something happened.  I walked into my room, plopped on the bed and simply decided I didn’t want to worry any more.  I decided that what I knew about “trust” was worth 45-minutes of a person’s time; that the “I’m a fraud” slogan had long out-served its usefulness; and that to worry would be disrespectful to me and to what I wanted to share in my talk. 

The half-sized ballroom was filled beyond what I had anticipated.  And while those old fears made one last attempt to choke my confidence, something again happened as I began my talk.  I didn’t feel like a fraud.  I felt connected, as a professional, to fellow professionals,  with all of us putting a premium on “trust.”

I spoke without the aid of PowerPoint and at one point, while walking up the main aisle, telling an outrageous story of how I learned from my mother not to trust people, with the ballroom laughing at every right place, I became aware that I was enjoying my time with these people.  I let myself relish the pleasure and didn’t try to suppress it as I normally would because, hey, pleasure and business don’t mix in the world of a perfectionist.

Later that night there was a get-together at a nearby bistro for all the presenters.  I met folks from the world of golf and sports who came to The Summit from far-flung corners of the world.  Laughter and conversation flowed even more freely than the beer. And so camaraderie took hold.  We were presenters – storytellers – people with unique perspectives who relished the pleasure that comes from genuine talk.

No one accused me of being a fraud – not even myself.  And, yeah, I was startled.  I was startled by the sheer pleasure of it all. 

The core truth of core truths is that once you see something, it’s hard to “un-see” it.

I’ve never made a resolution based in pleasure, but there is a first time for everything.

I resolve in 2015 to have more “Titleist moments” because that experience of pleasure allowed me to remember that life is worthy of my best.  And why would it be worthy of anything less?

So, what about you?  What are your answers to those five questions?  How can you give yourself a new-found respect and so offer life your best? 

Resolve in 2015 to do that which you’ve forbidden yourself to do and whose time has come.  Go ahead and let yourself be startled!

New Year's – Fresh Start or Fresh Continuation?!

I went to get my hair cut over the weekend and Jeff, the barber, greeted me with a grimace when I wished him a “Happy New Year!”  He grumbled, “I hate New Year’s – nothing but the same old–same old.  Nothing ever changes.”

I’ve been thinking about his annoyance with the whole New Year’s “thing.”  In truth, I’ve never been a big resolutions kind of guy.  It’s always struck me as all so forced.  A year rushes to a distracted holiday end and then we’re supposed to start “fresh.”

It’s hard, though, to rev-up and be determined and hopeful.  Maybe the challenge rests with the emphasis we place on starting “new.”  I think Jeff was lamenting that New Year’s can too quickly devolve into Groundhog’s Day – we make resolutions, we break resolutions, we beat ourselves up and then we settle back into the way things were.  Nothing changes.

Maybe New Year’s should be less about “starting” and more about “continuing” the good, healthy, fruitful projects and habits we engaged in as the previous year drew to a close.

Before we resolve to “start” we need to determine what we want to resolve to “continue.”  Once we commit to continue doing the good that gave us satisfaction, we can confidently commit to building on that good behavior, taking on new habits and practices.

Alice (name changed) is president of a mid-sized manufacturing company.  Although she believes in her management team, she’s developed the habit of berating them in front of clients and colleagues.  The focus of my coaching has been to help her develop ways of treating her team with respect.  To her credit she made significant strides in the final quarter of last year.

In our session last week, she said that her New Year’s resolution is to not yell.  Although commendable, I suggested she resolve to “continue” to engage her team as adults and not misbehaving kids.

Is this just a word game?  I don’t think so.  I want her to focus on continuing to engage her team in ways that don’t come readily to her.  Strong continuation and not simply a short-lived effort – this is how change takes hold and evolves.

This means, though, that you have to lay claim to the good you were doing in 2014 and you have to believe in the worth of those good habits and practices.  Find the good – commit to continuing that good in ways different and new. 

Consider these questions:

1.     In 2014 what did you do that made you feel proud? 

2.     In 2014 where did you find deep satisfaction?

What would happen if you continued doing in 2015 all of what made you proud and satisfied in 2014? 

A fabulous 2015!

TRUST – The Heart Of All New Year's Resolutions

I live in a condo and am on the HOA Board (and, yes, some of my neighbors read this blog!).  We recently fired our management company.  Why?  Because our collective frustration had reached the point where we no longer trusted Tony, the manager.  Delayed responses to emails and phone calls, a defensive tone when answering honest questions and a pervasive lack of transparency caused us to lose faith.

Soon after firing Tony, we met with the rep of another company and immediately we felt relief.  Joe arrived to the meeting on time and offered a comprehensive overview of what he and his company could do for us as a Board and for our neighbors – for our collective investment.

First impressions don’t always align with later reality but Joe was able to reassure us BECAUSE in a clear, respectful way he explained who he was, what he was about and what he stood for.  In hindsight, I realize Tony never did that.  He managed our condo for three years and I still don’t know what he wants to be known as and for.

Trust is established when people know who you are – and why you want to be that person.  That’s why we trust Joe and why we lost trust in Tony.

Beau is a new client who’s asked me to help him become a more engaging speaker.  For his first assignment, I asked him to name the five words he wants people to associate with him.  These are his words: intriguing, interesting, powerful, knowledgeable and humble.

Although I’ve only started to work with Beau, I can see why he’s chosen these words.  He values these characteristics and is able to explain why he puts a premium on them.  I think Beau is a man of TRUST.  And I think ‘trust’ is a quality that’s not found on every street corner because most people don’t know what they want to be known as.

These past weeks we’ve been celebrating a season of hope and faith, of giving and believing.  Oddly, we don’t associate the word ‘trust’ with this season – or any season really.  And, yet, amidst all the chaos that’s reported on the news, trust is what we most clamor for.

So here’s the thing – trust starts with me and with you.  What do you want to be known for?  What are the five words you want the rest of us to put our trust in?  If you understand what you want to be, if you resolve to be trustworthy, then I’m convinced that those New Year’s resolutions you’re sorting through will come into focus.  You’ll know who you want to become more of.

Happy, Daring, Joyful, Contented, Hopeful New Year!

The Unspoken Challenge Of The Holidays

The process of writing a blog has no rhyme or reason.  Some weeks I’ll have experiences or conversations and I know I’m going to write about them.  Some weeks, I feel inspired to use someone else’s insights as a springboard for my own.  Still other weeks, I know what I “should” write about, but I don’t want to because I don’t feel up to the task.  I don’t feel up to the task because the writing demands that I be honest and sometimes being honest is just too difficult.  This is one of those weeks.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you’ll recall that for Thanksgiving I wrote about George, an eighty-five year old whose memorial I had officiated.  The warmth of the stories told about him reminded me that the way we honor the dead is by choosing to be for others what the departed had been for us.  While I believe this, I wonder if maybe it’s an easy truth to embrace because George was an old man when he died.

A few days ago, Liz, a friend with whom I’d lost contact, called to tell me that her thirty-year-old nephew, Tyler, had died in his sleep the day after Thanksgiving.  His memorial is this coming Sunday and she asked if I’d officiate it.

His family is devastated beyond words.  Too sudden.  Too soon.  So senseless.  And as Liz asked, “Why do these tragedies happen at the holidays?”  There’s no answer, of course, to that question.  Unlike the classic movie, Death never takes a holiday.

Liz lamented that Tyler’s life was a “promise cut short.”  Yes, there was more for him to see, to do and to become.  But, he lived life on his own terms, with integrity and love.  And for that, it could be said he lived a promise fulfilled, short though he lived.

But still, to memorialize Tyler on the sixth day of the Festival of Lights, four days before Christmas, calls into question the trustworthiness of all those lights and hope and merriment.

Is it too much of a cliché to write that joy doesn’t negate sadness?  That the candles don’t dispel the dark, they illuminate it?  With all the holiday parties and shopping specials, we easily can forget that these end-of-year holidays are actually meant to challenge us and not just delight us.

And so I’m left with the question I posed to you in my Thanksgiving post: “If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?” 

No matter how short a life, answering and living this question is worthy of our best. – of our trusting and celebrating the light. 

The Most Challenging Question Of All!

Last week I received an email from Clare (name changed), a former student who wanted to give me an update on her efforts to become a more effective communicator.  Here’s an excerpt from that email: “I ‘ve been trying to work on finding my voice.  I think I’m generally a better listener than a talker.  Often I don’t express my opinion or defend my point.  I don’t insert myself in a conversation enough, preferring to take a back seat and let other people enjoy the spotlight.”

“As convenient as this can be, in that I don’t have to put myself at risk of arguing with others, spending energy elaborating a certain point or defending my position, I realize it’s also a source of dissatisfaction and confusion.  People don’t have a chance to know what I think and I’m not contributing to a conversation when I could.  This doesn’t always happen, but when it does I’ve been trying to make a conscious decision to make my voice heard and insert myself in the conversation.”

“Sometimes it’s easy, other times it’s hard, but I feel better once I’ve made myself heard.  I’m still a work-in-progress because I sometimes tend to slip towards old patterns of passively letting other people expose themselves while I remain silent.”

Clare had been a shy student who gave off a snooty vibe and so I was happy to learn that she’s committed to being more engaging and approachable. 

The great reminder from her story, though, is that change doesn’t just happen.  You have to wrestle with the demanding question, “What do I really want?”  And then with the equally challenging question, “What am I willing to do for it?”

My friend Ted is a staff writer for a late night show.  When he was offered the job, friends and family were shocked because the offer was so unexpected.  Ted, though, had prepared for the day when just such a job would be offered him.  He submitted unsolicited jokes to this show, as though he actually had a job.  He kept his name in front of the head writers, so that they knew not only that he wanted a writing gig, but that he was prepared and qualified.  So, sure, he was surprised when the call came – BUT he had worked with, in and through hope for that day.

Change is always scary because you have to deal with the consequences – what would happen if you got what you wanted –if you successfully made the changes you claim you want to make?

Life, though, only makes sense from honestly grappling with: What do you want?  Why do you want it?  What are you going to do to get it?!

How To Really Give Thanks!

A few weeks ago I officiated a memorial service for George (name changed), a man I’d never met.  A trusted neighbor, who had attended a wedding I officiated, referred George’s family to me.  At eighty-five he had been a trusted doctor, researcher, husband, father, friend.  For those who knew him, he was a legend.

On the afternoon of the service, George’s backyard was filled with over a hundred people, all eager to tell their own special “George” story.

Issak Dinesen, author of “Out Of Africa,” believed that “any sorrow can be endured if a story can be told about it.”  And so it was that afternoon.  I marveled at the remarkable (and funny) tales these people shared. 

At memorial’s end, I reminded folks that what we were doing was important, but next day, there will be that haunting question, “now what?”  The playwright Thornton Wilder claimed that, “The highest tribute to the dead is not grief, but gratitude.”  And the only way we truly show gratitude is by doing.

I urged everyone in the days ahead to reflect on the particular gifts that George had given to each of them and then to be for others what he had been for them.  That is the surest way to honor his memory and keep his legacy alive.  That is true Thanksgiving.

The irony today is that there’s so much going on during Thanksgiving Day that there’s no longer enough time to actually give thanks!  BUT, when the Black Friday madness dies down and the leftovers are gone, I encourage you to take a moment to commit to being for others what some personal hero of yours has been for you.

There’s more, though!  I was struck during the celebration of George’s life at how people were talking with each other.  No one sat alone; no TV was blaring in the background.  People were talking, laughing, smiling with glistening eyes.  There was food and booze aplenty, so that if you walked in off the street, you might mistake it for a wedding reception.

I’ve no doubt that most of those people live busy lives; yet, they found time to come to this celebration.  Maybe it’s easier to make time if you know it’s the final celebration than if it’s just a regular lunch with a friend, BUT I wondered – if we lived with more gratitude would we spend more time with people?

Can you really give thanks alone?  Thanks has to be with others.

The classic question is: “If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?”  Answer that and you’ll know how to give genuine thanks. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

The "Secret" To Successful Business Relationships

Last week I met my friend Becky (names changed) for dinner.  Joining us was Jerold, a colleague of hers, who was interested in having me guest lecture in his class (college).  I arrived early at the hole-in-the-wall restaurant.  While standing at the host counter, I looked around and spotted a woman staring intently at me.  She began waving me over and then yelled across the room, “Are you here for Jerold and Becky?”  Turns out she’s Jerold’s daughter, Sally.  She’d landed at LAX an hour before, having come from a Tokyo vacation.  She knew her dad was having dinner here and thought she’d surprise him.

Sally had heard Jerold mention me and asked, “What is it you do again?”  I didn’t get far into my “elevator speech” before she interrupted me.  She whipped out her cell phone and proceeded to give me a recap of her 5-star vacation – with a complete breakdown of how much she spent.

At first I thought I was being punked by MTV or Betty White!  But then I wasn’t sure how I felt.  Bewildered – insulted – amused?  Who was this woman?

I asked where she works and it turns out she’s a financial advisor at a firm that handles my money.  A connection!  Instead, she simply said, “Guess I can’t get you as a client.”

I tried another tack since I’d visited Tokyo years ago.  I told her that I had lived on an island in the South Pacific and on my way home to NYC, I stopped off in Japan.  She asked if the island had any resorts and when I told her we didn’t even have Wi-Fi, she dismissively said, ”Don’t think I’ll be going there.”

I actually was amused and “somewhat” charmed by her exuberance.  Yes, she was scattered, but not in a mean way.  But, she was scattered.  In that respect, she’s like me and you and so many of us.  It’s easy to get self-absorbed.

She reminded me that, when we’re scattered, we can’t focus on “what” and “who” is important.  And the “who” is always the person in front of you.  Sally was happy to meet me, but I could have been anyone.  All she wanted was someone she could talk to about her vacation until her dad arrived.  Essentially, I was a prop.

Clients often ask how they can become more interesting.  Well, the tried-n-true way to become more interesting is to make the person you’re with feel like they are interesting.  And the way to do that is by asking questions, engaging in conversation, exploring points of commonality.

To be able to talk WITH someone and not AT someone – now there’s the “secret” to building successful relationships!

Coming To The Edge Of Fear

I collect quotes – I’ve got half-a-dozen journals filled with quotes.  A couple of weeks ago, I opened a journal and came across this quote from the French poet, Apollinaire:   “Come to the edge, Life said. We are afraid, they said.  Come to the edge, Life said.  They came to the edge.  Life pushed them and they flew.”   I shared this quote with my client Eugenie (name changed) a few days ago.

Eugenie loves to read self-help books.  She’s even thought that someday she’d like to work as a motivational speaker.  For now, though, she’s a computer analyst at an international tech company.  This past year she’s been asked to give guided tours to inner-city middle-schoolers.  The hope is that the kids can see there is a wide choice of careers in life and especially that girls can have a role to play in the high-tech world.

Eugenie is not as comfortable as she’d like to be when speaking.  While she does an adequate job, she knows she could be so much better.  One of the things that puzzle her is the issue of ‘enthusiasm’.  She’s concerned that if she’s too excited, too “bubbly” in her talk with the kids, they won’t take her seriously. 

Eugenie has convinced herself that giving these kids the facts of what she does, without too much enthusiasm, will let them see that what she does is serious and important work.  Passion, though, is just what these kids need to see in a grown-up!  They need the love.

I pointed out that someday she hopes to become a motivational, self-help speaker, so why not start now?  She looked stunned when I asked this.  She explained that her work is not inspiring and is rather mundane.  When I asked why she does it, she quickly responded, “Oh, I enjoy it!”  She then elaborated on all the aspects where she derives satisfaction. 

I again asked why she thinks sharing the pleasures of her job would make kids not take her seriously.  I then challenged her with, “Why not use these school tours as an opportunity to practice being a motivational speaker?”

She responded with the all too familiar words: “I’m afraid I won’t do a good job.”  “You mean a ‘perfect’ job” I corrected her.  She smiled.

In my post for Labor Day, I told you about my “Go Big! Go Bold!” challenge where I urged you to commit to doing something you’ve put off doing for too long.  The truth is, you don’t have to do something huge in order to “go big.”  Little things can be bold things.

I suggested to Eugenie that she doesn’t have to turn her entire talk into a motivational spiel.  All she has to do is something she’s never done before in her talk.  That means, all she has to do at the end is say something like, “As much as I enjoy my job, I know that I won’t be working at this company forever – because there are so many things I want to do in life, with my life.  And you can, too.”

If Eugenie says those two sentences to the kids, she will have done something bold.  She will have gone to the edge of her fear and allowed Life to push her.  I guarantee she’ll fly.

Maybe A Ghost Story

I recently was at a store (in Toluca Lake) that I frequent.  Julian (not his real name) is the associate who’s been helping me for almost a decade.  He knows I write this blog and he excitedly told me that he had a story that might interest me.  It did, so here it is!

Julian’s family has a home that’s two hours outside Puerto Vallarta.  It’s been in the family for generations.  Down through the years, relatives and friends claimed to have experienced hauntings.  Julian himself claims to have seen and felt “things” that he can only label as “ghosts”.  His father-in law, though, scoffs at such nonsense.

Early this summer, Julian and his family went down for the Quinceañera of his niece.  Per tradition, the local Priest came to hear confessions.  Julian’s dad has no use for Church ritual and took a nap when the priest arrived.  He fell asleep and some time later awoke, feeling like someone was pressing down on him.  His legs shook uncontrollably and he freaked out.  He screamed; people rushed in and – nothing.  He insisted, though, that someone had been on top of him.

Hey, it’s Halloween and what’s a column without a ghost story?!  I don’t think Julian made up this tale.  Since I don’t know his in-law, I don’t know if the man is a jokester, had a nightmare or – if he really was assaulted by a ghost.  What I do know is that there’s more to life than we can see.

Not only is there more than we can take in at any one time, I think we’re so overwhelmed that often we don’t pay attention to the little that we can see.

In Thornton Wilder’s classic play, “Our Town”, the lead character Emily dies in childbirth.  Soon after, she asks the character of the Stage Manager if she can return home to live out just one day.  Against his better judgment, he agrees.  Emily is moved by the simple beauty of ordinary life and stunned by how people are unaware of that beauty.  Although invisible to her mother, she cries out, “Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really saw me – it goes so fast we don’t have time to look at one another.”  Back at the graveyard, she asks the Stage Manager, “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?”

It’s easy to take life and others for granted.  It’s also easy to take our own life for granted. 

The countdown for 2014’s end begins with the last piece of Halloween candy – so how do you want the year to end?  Challenge yourself to see just a bit more of what’s there to see and experience.