The One Sure Thing That Motivates People

Last week I met with a new client at a café.  Nate (name changed) has been hired to increase profits at a family-owned design business.  He’s MBA smart and good at what he does.  Only problem – he’s managed to tick-off most of his colleagues and a fair number of customers within six months!  Nate knows he can increase profits and take the business to the next level – if only people would stop giving pushback.  He’s frustrated that people don’t see things his way and he doesn’t understand why.

While we were talking, a server came by our table with his order.  Nate didn’t acknowledge her with even a simple “thanks.”  It might seem nit-picky of me to have noticed but the last time we were at this café he didn’t thank the server.  The little things are the big things because they reveal so much about a person.

While I’ve enjoyed my conversations with Nate – he’s friendly, respectful and seems genuinely interested in improving his skill set – I’m fascinated by his lack of curiosity for other people.  This lack results in his forgetting basic social etiquette with the “help.”  And I think that’s how he thinks of anyone working for him!  When I pointed out that saying “thank you” is polite in a social setting and critical in a work setting, he was taken aback.

He incredulously asked, “Why should I thank people for doing their job when I’m paying them?  Shouldn’t that be enough?”

Perhaps that “should” be enough; however, for most of us, it’s not.  Because we’re psychological creatures, we all have a deep-seated need to be seen and appreciated.  Not coddled.  Recognized.

Later, he shared that he wants to increase efficiency with the head bookkeeper.  He told her the story of how Goldman Sachs (a firm he’d worked for) distinguishes itself with a rigorous system that reduces error to virtually nil.  And that’s what he wants – an error free bookkeeping department because fewer errors means greater profit.  He’s frustrated, though, because bookkeeping gave him pushback.

I suspect Goldman aims for an error-free protocol not just because of profits.  “Error-free” is platinum customer-service and that’s what separates the good from the great – customer service, not profits.  Most people are motivated by and take pride in reputation before profit. 

I told Nate that the architect Mies van der Rohe claimed, “God is found in the details.”  He got excited because that’s what he had told the bookkeeper – that “the devil is found in the details.”  I burst out laughing.  Mies found God in the details and Nate finds the devil.  Which motivates people best?  He was sheepish when I asked him that question.

What about you?  What is it like to work with or for you?!

How A "Loser In Love" Inspired Me!

Last month I invited Dylan, an LMU college senior, to speak in my UCLA class “How To Talk To Anyone.”  A few years ago Dylan considered himself boring – and it was affecting his dating life.  Although he’s smart, athletic and good-looking, he was a self-described “loser in love.”  I invited him to my class because his story is rather unusual.

One Saturday night he came back to his dorm room a bit drunk and a whole lot discouraged.  He’d gone to a party and failed to connect with any of the girls.  He went on Facebook looking for distractions when a pop-up ad appeared for a dating coaching site promising near-instant success with women. The guy offering advice promised that his video would reveal, among other things, the secret to making every conversation have the “fun, seductive vibe all the best do naturally.”

Desperate and willing to try anything, Dylan bought the video.  Somehow he was able to look beyond the cheese and extract the key truths behind the hype. He grew in confidence and learned how to engage girls (and guys) in conversation.  And, yes, he now has a great girlfriend. 

Dylan offered my class four key truths he’s learned – truths that extend beyond dating and that go to heart of being both engaging and confident:

First, HOW you say something is even more important that WHAT you say.  Non-verbal sets the tone, i.e. the basics of the look in the eye, the smile, and an assured handshake.   

Second, trust the “60/40” Rule – upwards of sixty percent of what goes on in a conversation is beyond our control.  If a person has had a lousy day or is preoccupied in any way, then that will influence how they see and respond to you.  You have to take care of and be responsible for the forty percent that’s in your control.   

Third, understand the “value” you bring to an encounter.  If you don’t believe you bring any value then why should you expect the other person to value their time with you?  Keep telling yourself that you’re “boring” and your words become a self-fulfilling prophecy.   

Fourth, learn from failure.  Not everyone will enjoy you, yet you can learn from every encounter.

So how did I meet Dylan?  I was a guest speaker in one of his college classes.  Afterwards he asked for my card and a couple of weeks later we met for coffee. I shared my story; he told me his and I knew his journey from “boring” to “engaging” had to be shared with my class. 

What Dylan reminded my class is this – no one has to be “boring.”   

Boring is a learned trait and so it can be unlearned!

The One Thing You Have To Do In Order To Shock People

Randy Garutti, COO of famed Shake Shack, constantly tells his team members to,

“Put us out of business because you are so damn generous with what you give the people who walk in this door.”

He wants customers to leave a Shake Shack shaking their smiling heads saying,

“I can’t believe what that guy did at Shake Shack.”

Clients will often ask me what they have to do to persuade people to work with them. What they’re really asking me is: What makes the best “best”?

And the answer is simple –

have people be in disbelief at your generosity.

Consider this core of the core question:

What does generosity look like for you?

Are You Interesting Enough?

NOTE:  Currently, I’m teaching a six-week workshop at UCLA Extension titled, How To Talk To Anyone.  The workshop is aimed at people who want to figure out how to talk tactfully, intelligently and spontaneously in a variety of situations and with a broad range of people. I’m posting progress reports here as well as updates on what I’m doing to help the participants find their own individual voice.  This is Part 2 in that ongoing series.

Recently I gave a workshop focused on dealing with “difficult people.”  One of the participants, Fred (names changed), a VP at a research company, introduced himself in such a low voice that I couldn’t hear his name.  I asked him to repeat himself and I still couldn’t catch his name.  He spoke so softly he reminded me of the YouTube personality, The French Whisperer.

Later, when I asked the group to consider what makes them individually difficult to other people, Fred admitted that people find him difficult because he’s a low talker.  Well, if you know that the volume of your voice makes it difficult for people to engage with you, why keep speaking at that same low volume?  Or at the very least, why aren’t you making YouTube videos?!

Fred is interesting only insofar as he’s difficult in so puzzling a way.

And what does all of this have to do with How To Talk To Anyone?  In last week’s session I asked the participants, “Who do you enjoy talking with?”  Folks quickly responded with some version of, “I enjoy talking with interesting people.”

When I then asked what makes someone “interesting” they offered a variety of answers including: well-traveled, educated, athletic, musical, artistic, etc.  I gently pointed out that while those traits and abilities have the potential for making someone interesting, I’ve met MANY well-educated, traveled, talented people who I found boring and/or obnoxious.  They simply laughed – in agreement.

Sure, we all enjoy talking with people whose life experiences are different from our own BUT what really makes someone interesting – for all the right reasons?

Here’s what makes someone interesting to me –

confidence + healthy self-esteem + competency + a keen interest in the “other”

A confidently competent person is of little value if they are not genuinely interested in the person(s) they are dealing with.  Simply put, an interesting person knows how to make the other person feel recognized and valued.

When I asked the participants if they considered their own self to be “interesting” most said “NO” or at best only half-heartedly thought they were interesting.  Jacob said he thought he wasn’t “enough” and so wasn’t interesting.  He admitted that no one has ever directly accused him of being boring or of not being “enough” BUT he knows that he’s not enough.

So, true confession, there was a time when I thought I was boring and not enough.  I was heading off to college and didn’t know what to do in order to stop “being” boring.  Before I walked through the campus gates of Fordham, I decided to be bold in reaching out to people who scared me.  The people who scared me were the people who I thought were living life.

I joined the college radio station (WFUV) and I interviewed all sorts of writers and artistic types hoping they’d give me some glimpse into what it was like to live an interesting life.  The most interesting of these people was famed diarist Anais Nin.

With my trusty tape recorder in hand, I went to her Greenwich Village apartment.  I remember how gracious she was when she waved me into her living room.  She served tea and then, just as I had set up the recorder, she abruptly said, “Wait!”  She stood up, went over to phone jack and unplugged the phone.  She smiled and said, “I don’t want anyone to disturb us.”

I was thrilled.  I was honored.  I was humbled.  I was totally under her spell because I felt recognized.  I didn’t feel boring.  I felt enough.  And all these years later, I still cherish that memory.

Here’s the thing – was Anais interesting because she was a bi-coastal bigamist who had also been lovers with the great Henry Miller?  Sure.  And was Anais interesting because she made me feel “enough”?  Absolutely!

Anais gave me the gift that all interesting people give – she gave me her attention.  The origin of “attention” is in the Latin word “attendere” – to reach toward.  And that is what all interesting people do – they reach toward the other person by sharing stories and insights and knowledge and inviting them to do the same.

The truth of the truth is –

you can’t talk to anyone unless you’re willing to be interesting.

I ended last week’s session as I will end this posting – with two odd questions:

What is the best compliment anyone has ever given you?

What is the best compliment you have ever given anyone?

I ask these questions because each one of us has a deep-seated need to be recognized and an interesting person, with extravagant generosity, practices this.

So, try this. . .

This week, be bold in your compliments to friend and stranger alike.  I think you’ll be surprised what “interesting” things happen!

How To Talk To Any One

Recently, my brother, Peter, was in town for business and we made plans to get together for dinner.  He asked if Rod, an associate of his, could tag along.  Since Peter doesn’t know boring people, I said, “sure!”

That night Peter showed up alone.  Seems Rod was nervous that we wouldn’t have anything to talk about and so decided to set out on his own.  I’ll admit – I was stunned.  How could three world-traveled grown men not have “stuff” to talk about?!  Peter explained that Rod could be “shy” at times.

Currently, I’m teaching a six-week workshop at UCLA Extension titled, How To Talk To Anybody.  The workshop is aimed at people who want to figure out how to talk tactfully, intelligently and spontaneously in a variety of situations and with a broad range of people.

The workshop is wildly diverse in terms of age, life and professional experience.  While each participant has their own particular issues and goals, each wants to become more comfortable while engaging with others.  And so my task is to help them reach that place of ease and sociability. 

As the workshop unfolds over the next six weeks I’m going to post progress reports here as well as updates on what I’m doing to help the participants find their own individual voice.

In prep for the first session, I headed off to a fav café and over a latte jotted down what I know for sure about talking with people.  Here are my Top 15 life-learned truths about talking with people – any people – of any age, type, position or description.

1.     Generational differences don’t matter when having a good conversation.  Lively talk is lively talk.

2.     Observe the other person and their surroundings – and ask questions based on those observations of what you see and don’t see.  

3.     Remain open to being non-defensively challenged from anyone’s odd or probing questions.

4.     A compliment can go a long way in creating a relaxed climate.

5.     I need to be present in a conversation – I can’t leave the work of a conversation up to the other person because then I could be taken conversationally hostage.

6.     I must have some kind of animation and know how to modulate it to the other’s personality.

7.     I shouldn’t expect people to fully understand what they’re saying – heck, far too often I don’t understand what I’m saying.

8.     Most people want to present themselves in the best possible way, though their tactics may not always be the best and so I need to be on the look-out for that best.

9.     I will not always understand the other person’s p.o.v. and that’s when curiosity expressed as a “why?” can illuminate.

10.  I am biased – some people I click with more readily than with others.  I may not always like the other person, but that doesn’t diminish the potential for productive conversation.

11.  I am guarded and have a residual, knee-jerk lack of trust – so I need to recognize this instinct and recognize that everyone else has a particular instinct that helps or hinders them.

12.  With some conversations the stakes are just not that high – and I don’t care about the outcome – and that’s okay.

13.  I have had many conversations with generous people and so I have an obligation to be for others what those generous people were for me.

14.  Everyone has the capacity to surprise me – because everybody has a story and IS a story.

15.  You never know what a conversation will lead to – friendship, love, employment, or just a hangover!

The Power Of A Simple Word

Much of my work, whether it be giving a workshop or coaching someone, centers on helping people become smarter in their communication strategy.  And becoming smarter is really all about becoming more emotionally intelligent.

While this exquisite poem is something of a meditation, it does shine a light on a simple word that is part of the core vocabulary of every healthy communicator. . .

The Word That Is a Prayer

By ELLERY AKERS

One thing you know when you say it:

all over the earth people are saying it with you;

a child blurting it out as the seizures take her,

a woman reciting it on a cot in a hospital.

What if you take a cab through the Tenderloin:

at a street light, a man in a wool cap,

yarn unraveling across his face, knocks at the window;

he says, Please.

By the time you hear what he’s saying,

the light changes, the cab pulls away,

and you don’t go back, though you know

someone just prayed to you the way you pray.

Please: a word so short

it could get lost in the air

as it floats up to God like the feather it is,

knocking and knocking, and finally

falling back to earth as rain,

as pellets of ice, soaking a black branch,

collecting in drains, leaching into the ground,

and you walk in that weather every day.

When Lunch Becomes An Act Of Courage!

 

Ella (names changed) works in IT for a non-profit that has a rigid company culture.  People are discouraged from going outside for lunch and the doors don’t close on national holidays.  While folks are paid for eight hours of work, it’s understood they’ll put in more than eight per day.  Management is friendly, for the most part, but management expects team players to put the “team” ahead of “family.” 

Ella is the token rebel of the company.  She’s the only one to leave for lunch each day.  She arrives at eight and leaves promptly at five.  It took four years before any one else had the gumption to head home at five.  Oh, and she will be taking Friday off in honor of July 4^th!

In the beginning, her boss talked with her about her unorthodox behavior.  Ella reminded him that she was doing everything she was entitled to which, in turn, made her a happy and productive worker.  Eventually, her boss backed off.

Recently I gave a workshop in which I reminded the participants that the reason we communicate is to get our needs met.  If there’s an area of your life where your needs aren’t getting met, then in some way it has to do with the quality of the communication in that part of your life.  There’s a break down either in what you’re saying to yourself or to others.

One of the participants asked, “what if I don’t know what my needs are?”  He seemed genuinely perplexed.  However, my experience in coaching is that most people do know what they need – acknowledging those needs can be scary.  As Makai, a former client, shared with me, “I needed to hit rock bottom before I knew what I wanted.”  In an effort to help you not reach your rocky bottom, consider this:

·      Where in your life are you not happy? 

·      What would have to happen for you to be happy in that region of your life? 

·      Are you willing to do what’s needed?

·      If not, what are you afraid of? 

So many of us stop ourselves from doing what it takes to get our needs met because we’re afraid of what “they” will say.  But the real question is – what will you say to yourself ten years from now if your needs are still being unrecognized and unmet?

If this sounds “simple” that’s because it is.  It may not be easy – but it is simple!

Ella couldn’t eat her lunch the first week she left the office because she was so nervous.  Sometimes, though, it’s as simple as standing up and walking through a door because it’s what you “need” to do.  You’ll be amazed what’s on the other side!

The Curse Of "Should"

If you’re a regular with this blog, you know I teach at UCLA Extension.  At the end of last Quarter, I asked the students in my communication class to write a reflection on what they learned.  Oftentimes a person joins the class for one reason and leaves having learned something entirely different than anticipated.  I’d like to share an excerpt from what David (name changed) wrote because I think it’s something we all need to learn – over and over again!

Before I started this class I had a boatload of expectations for how my life was supposed to work out.  I kept wondering, though, why things always fell apart.  I was convinced that if you act a certain way, dress a certain part and do what you’re supposed to do then life would fall into place as it ‘should.’  I resented that my life hadn’t worked out the way I was told it would and was always waiting for things to happen as I expected they should.

As a Los Angeles native, I’ve seen it all – from a man with a five o’clock shadow wearing a pleated green tutu and wig riding a unicycle down Santa Monica Blvd. to a group of twelve-year-old kids who spent more money in five minutes at Saks Fifth Avenue than some countries generate in a year!  I thought that because I acted differently from those people that somehow I was better.

Although this class was about the dynamics of interpersonal communication, I learned something more useful: how to deconstruct my thought processes and so discover the reasoning behind my attitude towards life, relationships and personal fulfillment.  I’ve learned that the most challenging dynamic is often times the one you have with yourself.

I’ve recognized the many ways in which I’m hard on myself, the areas of opportunity where I can grow and most importantly I’ve discovered the ability to be surprised again – something I thought was long gone. I’m now at a phase in my life where everything is uncertain. If you asked me three months ago what my plan was, I’d have given you a road map, foolishly thinking I could walk it through without failing. Now I see that expectations of how life SHOULD be can be the demise to almost anything.

David believed that life “should” be the way he envisioned and when he encountered disappointments he became disillusioned and discouraged.  He couldn’t envision alternatives and couldn’t see the opportunities smack in front of him.  He hasn’t given up on his dreams; he has, though, given up on insisting how those dreams “should” become reality.  And so his life has expanded.

How about you – are you hung up on any “should” in your life?

Melissa Cistaro – Friend and Writer Extrodinaire

On Tuesday, May 5^th, “Pieces Of My Mother,” a memoir by Melissa Cistaro, arrives at bookstores.  Melissa is a friend and so, yes, in a way, this is a shameless plug!  However, I’m writing not just to plug her book.  I’m writing about Melissa because she inspires me and I enjoy nothing better than writing about people who inspire me.

As a child I became a voracious reader – from the Hardy Boys to “David Copperfield.” Early on I became fascinated with writers.  What kind of person could twist words with the slight-of-hand of a magician and so conjure worlds from the almost familiar to the outright exotic?  Although I was a good Catholic boy, I considered nothing more sacred than a book.  I loved the sheer physicality of a book – open the covers and another world tumbles out. 

I never aspired to be a writer, but I very much wanted to be friends with writers.  I wanted to sit in the company of my heroes and “saints.”  When I got to Fordham University I landed my own radio show, “Bluestockings”, where each Thursday night I’d interview poets, novelists and literary folk.  I was mentored by Marguerite Young who at that time had written the longest (1198 pages) novel in English, “Miss McIntosh, My Darling.”  She introduced me to Anais Nin, legendary feminist and diarist.  I believed they lived life differently from me and that somehow they had the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the hearts to feel in ways I didn’t.  

And now, all these years later, here’s Melissa – prettier than Marguerite and far less hedonistic than Anais – a friend with whom I’ve shared many a pot of tea.  She’s so wonderfully “not different” and yet from the ordinary dimensions of her daily life she’s written a memoir of her mother who abandoned her and her brothers and father.  She’s told the story of her anything but ordinary childhood.  This week her book physically appears on bookshelves after more than a decade of writing and rewriting, after having been rejected two score over.  And I am in awe.

I was seduced unabashedly by the romanticism of Marguerite and Anais.  But I know Melissa too well to shroud her in any romanticism.  In the harsh glare of everyday life, I admire her for raising a family, loving her husband and staying true to her children.  I celebrate her for being faithful in giving meaning to what was unfathomable.  I cheer her for slaying dragons and calling a truce with demons, as she offered peace to her childhood memories. 

To find the extraordinary in the ordinary – that is what goes into making us human.  And writers show us how.

Thank you, Melissa!

How Good A Listener Are You? Take A Challenge!

   

Many thanks to Brian of Perryfield Films for taping my recent talk at WIPA – here’s my take on LISTENING.

Note: I do a brief exercise with the gathering and you might want to play along.  Before playing the video make sure you have a pen + paper nearby.

Enjoy!

~JP

What Makes A "Pro" A "Pro"!

As I’ve mentioned before, in addition to my communication coaching and teaching, I officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  I belong to several national wedding associations, including one named WIPA.  Recently I attended a networking event WIPA held at The Roosevelt Hotel.

It was a fun, festive event.  Looking around the ballroom at my fellow wedding vendors I realized what a lucky guy I am because in this sphere of my life I get to work with some of the most deep-down good people you will find anywhere.  While the wedding industry is not all fairy tale dreams, it is an arena that attracts some remarkable people.

In reflecting on what allows my colleagues to shine, it occurred to me that wedding professionals work from a place of heightened awareness of the client.  Because it is a people-centric industry, the world of weddings is demanding and challenging, but so much of it is creative and innovative.  The folks I admire take pride in their “brand” and  relish being part of a larger endeavor.  They respect their colleagues’ brands and admire each other’s handiwork and skill wanting to know,  “how did you get to be so good at what you do?”

A wedding pro knows that without the satisfaction of the couple their work means nothing.  And this truth guides them in the joy they take in their work.  Critics of weddings say that it’s all a whole lot of nonsense for just one day.  I think a real wedding pro knows that it’s a whole lot of something for the purpose of celebrating life.  While I enjoy officiating weddings for many reasons, the chief reason is that I’m part of something bigger than me – something that is life-affirming.   

Of course, not everyone can work in the wedding world and be a member of WIPA but  I think that at some point you need to look around where you work and ask, “am I happy to be sharing my energy with these people”?   What’s more,  eventually, I think each of us has to answer this question: “Why do I do what I do?” 

If you’re unhappy in your work, then I’ll tack on the follow-up question of, “If you weren’t doing what you’re doing, what would you be doing?”  And, hey, I’ll tack on the follow-up to the follow-up – “Why aren’t you doing it?”

I don’t want to come across as pie-in-the-sky because I know you need a job.  Each of us, though, needs something else – we need “meaning.”  Mark Twain said that, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

What are the sources of meaning in your life?

The Power Of Rejection

I had a call the other day from Dale, a former client who had just received her first rejection letter from a publishing house.  Dale has written a children’s book and her dream is to have a major imprint publish it.  We’d spoken last December about the world of publishing and I told her that she’d have to push through many rejections before finding the editor who believed in her and her book.  She called to thank me for that advice because it took the sting out of her first rejection.

Was Dale happy to receive the rejection letter?  No, of course not.  Was she devastated and defeated?  No.  Dale didn’t take the rejection personally because she understands this is part of the process.  To be a writer is to be rejected!  And another part of the process involves readjusting her strategy based on feedback from that first rejection. 

Clients will often say to me, “this is hard!” – “this” meaning whatever project they’ve undertaken or the particular process of changing whatever it is they’re set on changing.  Duh!  Of course it’s hard.  Why would it be otherwise?  Hard, though, doesn’t mean impossible.  Hard simply means it’s not going to happen as fast or as easily as you’d like it to happen.

At the risk of sounding trite, something is only as hard as we choose to think of it as hard.  Rejection is unpleasant.  Dale doesn’t deny that.  Rather than moaning how hard it all is, she’s now saying to herself, “I want to be published and this is part of the process.  I’m glad I’ve gotten my first rejection since it means I’m closer to getting published!”  That’s not being Pollyanna-ish.  That’s being a realist.

On May 5^th, my friend Melissa will have her first book published – “Pieces Of My Mother.”  It will be an occasion for great celebration because she began the book twelve years ago and she was rejected twenty times.  Her publisher will be sending her on a book tour across the country and she’ll be profiled in several national magazines.

Yes, it was hard for Melissa to write the book.  It was hard for her to remain faithful to the project.  It was hard for her to be rejected time after time.  The truth is that she didn’t know if the book would ever be published.  She chose to see doubt and rejection as part of the process, adamantly believing the project was worthy of her best. 

To know what or who is worthy of your best and to commit to that project or person – wow!  Does life get any more real than that?

What about you?  What or who is worthy of your best?

Why "I Just Like To Listen" Is A Cop-Out

Last week I had an email from Michelle (name + details changed), a potential client who wants to learn how to speak-up in meetings and conversations.  Here’s some of what she wrote:

“I’ve been trying to work on “finding my voice.” Often, I don’t express my own opinion or defend my point or I simply don’t insert myself in the conversation enough, preferring to take a back seat and let other people enjoy the spotlight.

As convenient as this can be, in that I don’t have to put myself at risk of arguing with others, spending time and energy elaborating a certain point or defending my position, I realize it’s also a source of dissatisfaction and confusion. . .I feel better once I’ve made myself heard, but it’s still a “work-in-progress” because I tend to slip towards old patterns of passively letting other people expose themselves to the “public eye” while I remain passive and silent.”

Michelle is like many of my clients who hold back in conversations and end up frustrating themselves and others.  Why are people hesitant or afraid to enter into the fray of a conversation?  For some it’s a habit that developed in childhood.  Some are perfectionists obsessed with speaking perfectly formed and correct thoughts.  For others, they’re afraid that if they say the ‘wrong” thing people will judge them stupid and withhold approval.  For still others, they’re more comfortable formulating their thoughts in their heads before sharing them.  The problem with this approach is that by the time they’ve processed what they want to say, the conversation has moved on!

By holding back, you’re denying others the benefit of your perspective.  Even if your perspective is askew, it can move the conversation along in a productive way.  In addition, you’re confusing people because they don’t know if you’re uninterested or if you’re simply uninteresting!  Most disturbing, your silence gives others power over you.  You let them determine what you’re thinking and feeling.

What to do?  First, understand why you’re quiet.  What are you telling yourself that is keeping you quiet?  And really, what is the worst-case scenario?  Commit to making one-to-three comments during a conversation.  Use phrases like, “let me jump in here” or “just to backtrack on what was said earlier” to help you ease into the conversation.  Don’t dismiss your ideas by beginning with, “this is probably going to sound stupid”  – just say it!

What’s the point of being with people if you’re not going to contribute to the overall tone of the gathering?  You don’t have to dominate.  You don’t have to be the expert.  You can enjoy “listening” and still contribute.

Remember – wallflowers are for the bedroom – not the meeting table!