How To Talk To Any One

Recently, my brother, Peter, was in town for business and we made plans to get together for dinner.  He asked if Rod, an associate of his, could tag along.  Since Peter doesn’t know boring people, I said, “sure!”

That night Peter showed up alone.  Seems Rod was nervous that we wouldn’t have anything to talk about and so decided to set out on his own.  I’ll admit – I was stunned.  How could three world-traveled grown men not have “stuff” to talk about?!  Peter explained that Rod could be “shy” at times.

Currently, I’m teaching a six-week workshop at UCLA Extension titled, How To Talk To Anybody.  The workshop is aimed at people who want to figure out how to talk tactfully, intelligently and spontaneously in a variety of situations and with a broad range of people.

The workshop is wildly diverse in terms of age, life and professional experience.  While each participant has their own particular issues and goals, each wants to become more comfortable while engaging with others.  And so my task is to help them reach that place of ease and sociability. 

As the workshop unfolds over the next six weeks I’m going to post progress reports here as well as updates on what I’m doing to help the participants find their own individual voice.

In prep for the first session, I headed off to a fav café and over a latte jotted down what I know for sure about talking with people.  Here are my Top 15 life-learned truths about talking with people – any people – of any age, type, position or description.

1.     Generational differences don’t matter when having a good conversation.  Lively talk is lively talk.

2.     Observe the other person and their surroundings – and ask questions based on those observations of what you see and don’t see.  

3.     Remain open to being non-defensively challenged from anyone’s odd or probing questions.

4.     A compliment can go a long way in creating a relaxed climate.

5.     I need to be present in a conversation – I can’t leave the work of a conversation up to the other person because then I could be taken conversationally hostage.

6.     I must have some kind of animation and know how to modulate it to the other’s personality.

7.     I shouldn’t expect people to fully understand what they’re saying – heck, far too often I don’t understand what I’m saying.

8.     Most people want to present themselves in the best possible way, though their tactics may not always be the best and so I need to be on the look-out for that best.

9.     I will not always understand the other person’s p.o.v. and that’s when curiosity expressed as a “why?” can illuminate.

10.  I am biased – some people I click with more readily than with others.  I may not always like the other person, but that doesn’t diminish the potential for productive conversation.

11.  I am guarded and have a residual, knee-jerk lack of trust – so I need to recognize this instinct and recognize that everyone else has a particular instinct that helps or hinders them.

12.  With some conversations the stakes are just not that high – and I don’t care about the outcome – and that’s okay.

13.  I have had many conversations with generous people and so I have an obligation to be for others what those generous people were for me.

14.  Everyone has the capacity to surprise me – because everybody has a story and IS a story.

15.  You never know what a conversation will lead to – friendship, love, employment, or just a hangover!