The Curse Of "Should"

If you’re a regular with this blog, you know I teach at UCLA Extension.  At the end of last Quarter, I asked the students in my communication class to write a reflection on what they learned.  Oftentimes a person joins the class for one reason and leaves having learned something entirely different than anticipated.  I’d like to share an excerpt from what David (name changed) wrote because I think it’s something we all need to learn – over and over again!

Before I started this class I had a boatload of expectations for how my life was supposed to work out.  I kept wondering, though, why things always fell apart.  I was convinced that if you act a certain way, dress a certain part and do what you’re supposed to do then life would fall into place as it ‘should.’  I resented that my life hadn’t worked out the way I was told it would and was always waiting for things to happen as I expected they should.

As a Los Angeles native, I’ve seen it all – from a man with a five o’clock shadow wearing a pleated green tutu and wig riding a unicycle down Santa Monica Blvd. to a group of twelve-year-old kids who spent more money in five minutes at Saks Fifth Avenue than some countries generate in a year!  I thought that because I acted differently from those people that somehow I was better.

Although this class was about the dynamics of interpersonal communication, I learned something more useful: how to deconstruct my thought processes and so discover the reasoning behind my attitude towards life, relationships and personal fulfillment.  I’ve learned that the most challenging dynamic is often times the one you have with yourself.

I’ve recognized the many ways in which I’m hard on myself, the areas of opportunity where I can grow and most importantly I’ve discovered the ability to be surprised again – something I thought was long gone. I’m now at a phase in my life where everything is uncertain. If you asked me three months ago what my plan was, I’d have given you a road map, foolishly thinking I could walk it through without failing. Now I see that expectations of how life SHOULD be can be the demise to almost anything.

David believed that life “should” be the way he envisioned and when he encountered disappointments he became disillusioned and discouraged.  He couldn’t envision alternatives and couldn’t see the opportunities smack in front of him.  He hasn’t given up on his dreams; he has, though, given up on insisting how those dreams “should” become reality.  And so his life has expanded.

How about you – are you hung up on any “should” in your life?