When Lunch Becomes An Act Of Courage!

 

Ella (names changed) works in IT for a non-profit that has a rigid company culture.  People are discouraged from going outside for lunch and the doors don’t close on national holidays.  While folks are paid for eight hours of work, it’s understood they’ll put in more than eight per day.  Management is friendly, for the most part, but management expects team players to put the “team” ahead of “family.” 

Ella is the token rebel of the company.  She’s the only one to leave for lunch each day.  She arrives at eight and leaves promptly at five.  It took four years before any one else had the gumption to head home at five.  Oh, and she will be taking Friday off in honor of July 4^th!

In the beginning, her boss talked with her about her unorthodox behavior.  Ella reminded him that she was doing everything she was entitled to which, in turn, made her a happy and productive worker.  Eventually, her boss backed off.

Recently I gave a workshop in which I reminded the participants that the reason we communicate is to get our needs met.  If there’s an area of your life where your needs aren’t getting met, then in some way it has to do with the quality of the communication in that part of your life.  There’s a break down either in what you’re saying to yourself or to others.

One of the participants asked, “what if I don’t know what my needs are?”  He seemed genuinely perplexed.  However, my experience in coaching is that most people do know what they need – acknowledging those needs can be scary.  As Makai, a former client, shared with me, “I needed to hit rock bottom before I knew what I wanted.”  In an effort to help you not reach your rocky bottom, consider this:

·      Where in your life are you not happy? 

·      What would have to happen for you to be happy in that region of your life? 

·      Are you willing to do what’s needed?

·      If not, what are you afraid of? 

So many of us stop ourselves from doing what it takes to get our needs met because we’re afraid of what “they” will say.  But the real question is – what will you say to yourself ten years from now if your needs are still being unrecognized and unmet?

If this sounds “simple” that’s because it is.  It may not be easy – but it is simple!

Ella couldn’t eat her lunch the first week she left the office because she was so nervous.  Sometimes, though, it’s as simple as standing up and walking through a door because it’s what you “need” to do.  You’ll be amazed what’s on the other side!

The Curse Of "Should"

If you’re a regular with this blog, you know I teach at UCLA Extension.  At the end of last Quarter, I asked the students in my communication class to write a reflection on what they learned.  Oftentimes a person joins the class for one reason and leaves having learned something entirely different than anticipated.  I’d like to share an excerpt from what David (name changed) wrote because I think it’s something we all need to learn – over and over again!

Before I started this class I had a boatload of expectations for how my life was supposed to work out.  I kept wondering, though, why things always fell apart.  I was convinced that if you act a certain way, dress a certain part and do what you’re supposed to do then life would fall into place as it ‘should.’  I resented that my life hadn’t worked out the way I was told it would and was always waiting for things to happen as I expected they should.

As a Los Angeles native, I’ve seen it all – from a man with a five o’clock shadow wearing a pleated green tutu and wig riding a unicycle down Santa Monica Blvd. to a group of twelve-year-old kids who spent more money in five minutes at Saks Fifth Avenue than some countries generate in a year!  I thought that because I acted differently from those people that somehow I was better.

Although this class was about the dynamics of interpersonal communication, I learned something more useful: how to deconstruct my thought processes and so discover the reasoning behind my attitude towards life, relationships and personal fulfillment.  I’ve learned that the most challenging dynamic is often times the one you have with yourself.

I’ve recognized the many ways in which I’m hard on myself, the areas of opportunity where I can grow and most importantly I’ve discovered the ability to be surprised again – something I thought was long gone. I’m now at a phase in my life where everything is uncertain. If you asked me three months ago what my plan was, I’d have given you a road map, foolishly thinking I could walk it through without failing. Now I see that expectations of how life SHOULD be can be the demise to almost anything.

David believed that life “should” be the way he envisioned and when he encountered disappointments he became disillusioned and discouraged.  He couldn’t envision alternatives and couldn’t see the opportunities smack in front of him.  He hasn’t given up on his dreams; he has, though, given up on insisting how those dreams “should” become reality.  And so his life has expanded.

How about you – are you hung up on any “should” in your life?

Melissa Cistaro – Friend and Writer Extrodinaire

On Tuesday, May 5^th, “Pieces Of My Mother,” a memoir by Melissa Cistaro, arrives at bookstores.  Melissa is a friend and so, yes, in a way, this is a shameless plug!  However, I’m writing not just to plug her book.  I’m writing about Melissa because she inspires me and I enjoy nothing better than writing about people who inspire me.

As a child I became a voracious reader – from the Hardy Boys to “David Copperfield.” Early on I became fascinated with writers.  What kind of person could twist words with the slight-of-hand of a magician and so conjure worlds from the almost familiar to the outright exotic?  Although I was a good Catholic boy, I considered nothing more sacred than a book.  I loved the sheer physicality of a book – open the covers and another world tumbles out. 

I never aspired to be a writer, but I very much wanted to be friends with writers.  I wanted to sit in the company of my heroes and “saints.”  When I got to Fordham University I landed my own radio show, “Bluestockings”, where each Thursday night I’d interview poets, novelists and literary folk.  I was mentored by Marguerite Young who at that time had written the longest (1198 pages) novel in English, “Miss McIntosh, My Darling.”  She introduced me to Anais Nin, legendary feminist and diarist.  I believed they lived life differently from me and that somehow they had the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the hearts to feel in ways I didn’t.  

And now, all these years later, here’s Melissa – prettier than Marguerite and far less hedonistic than Anais – a friend with whom I’ve shared many a pot of tea.  She’s so wonderfully “not different” and yet from the ordinary dimensions of her daily life she’s written a memoir of her mother who abandoned her and her brothers and father.  She’s told the story of her anything but ordinary childhood.  This week her book physically appears on bookshelves after more than a decade of writing and rewriting, after having been rejected two score over.  And I am in awe.

I was seduced unabashedly by the romanticism of Marguerite and Anais.  But I know Melissa too well to shroud her in any romanticism.  In the harsh glare of everyday life, I admire her for raising a family, loving her husband and staying true to her children.  I celebrate her for being faithful in giving meaning to what was unfathomable.  I cheer her for slaying dragons and calling a truce with demons, as she offered peace to her childhood memories. 

To find the extraordinary in the ordinary – that is what goes into making us human.  And writers show us how.

Thank you, Melissa!

How Good A Listener Are You? Take A Challenge!

   

Many thanks to Brian of Perryfield Films for taping my recent talk at WIPA – here’s my take on LISTENING.

Note: I do a brief exercise with the gathering and you might want to play along.  Before playing the video make sure you have a pen + paper nearby.

Enjoy!

~JP

What Makes A "Pro" A "Pro"!

As I’ve mentioned before, in addition to my communication coaching and teaching, I officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  I belong to several national wedding associations, including one named WIPA.  Recently I attended a networking event WIPA held at The Roosevelt Hotel.

It was a fun, festive event.  Looking around the ballroom at my fellow wedding vendors I realized what a lucky guy I am because in this sphere of my life I get to work with some of the most deep-down good people you will find anywhere.  While the wedding industry is not all fairy tale dreams, it is an arena that attracts some remarkable people.

In reflecting on what allows my colleagues to shine, it occurred to me that wedding professionals work from a place of heightened awareness of the client.  Because it is a people-centric industry, the world of weddings is demanding and challenging, but so much of it is creative and innovative.  The folks I admire take pride in their “brand” and  relish being part of a larger endeavor.  They respect their colleagues’ brands and admire each other’s handiwork and skill wanting to know,  “how did you get to be so good at what you do?”

A wedding pro knows that without the satisfaction of the couple their work means nothing.  And this truth guides them in the joy they take in their work.  Critics of weddings say that it’s all a whole lot of nonsense for just one day.  I think a real wedding pro knows that it’s a whole lot of something for the purpose of celebrating life.  While I enjoy officiating weddings for many reasons, the chief reason is that I’m part of something bigger than me – something that is life-affirming.   

Of course, not everyone can work in the wedding world and be a member of WIPA but  I think that at some point you need to look around where you work and ask, “am I happy to be sharing my energy with these people”?   What’s more,  eventually, I think each of us has to answer this question: “Why do I do what I do?” 

If you’re unhappy in your work, then I’ll tack on the follow-up question of, “If you weren’t doing what you’re doing, what would you be doing?”  And, hey, I’ll tack on the follow-up to the follow-up – “Why aren’t you doing it?”

I don’t want to come across as pie-in-the-sky because I know you need a job.  Each of us, though, needs something else – we need “meaning.”  Mark Twain said that, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”

What are the sources of meaning in your life?

The Power Of Rejection

I had a call the other day from Dale, a former client who had just received her first rejection letter from a publishing house.  Dale has written a children’s book and her dream is to have a major imprint publish it.  We’d spoken last December about the world of publishing and I told her that she’d have to push through many rejections before finding the editor who believed in her and her book.  She called to thank me for that advice because it took the sting out of her first rejection.

Was Dale happy to receive the rejection letter?  No, of course not.  Was she devastated and defeated?  No.  Dale didn’t take the rejection personally because she understands this is part of the process.  To be a writer is to be rejected!  And another part of the process involves readjusting her strategy based on feedback from that first rejection. 

Clients will often say to me, “this is hard!” – “this” meaning whatever project they’ve undertaken or the particular process of changing whatever it is they’re set on changing.  Duh!  Of course it’s hard.  Why would it be otherwise?  Hard, though, doesn’t mean impossible.  Hard simply means it’s not going to happen as fast or as easily as you’d like it to happen.

At the risk of sounding trite, something is only as hard as we choose to think of it as hard.  Rejection is unpleasant.  Dale doesn’t deny that.  Rather than moaning how hard it all is, she’s now saying to herself, “I want to be published and this is part of the process.  I’m glad I’ve gotten my first rejection since it means I’m closer to getting published!”  That’s not being Pollyanna-ish.  That’s being a realist.

On May 5^th, my friend Melissa will have her first book published – “Pieces Of My Mother.”  It will be an occasion for great celebration because she began the book twelve years ago and she was rejected twenty times.  Her publisher will be sending her on a book tour across the country and she’ll be profiled in several national magazines.

Yes, it was hard for Melissa to write the book.  It was hard for her to remain faithful to the project.  It was hard for her to be rejected time after time.  The truth is that she didn’t know if the book would ever be published.  She chose to see doubt and rejection as part of the process, adamantly believing the project was worthy of her best. 

To know what or who is worthy of your best and to commit to that project or person – wow!  Does life get any more real than that?

What about you?  What or who is worthy of your best?

Why "I Just Like To Listen" Is A Cop-Out

Last week I had an email from Michelle (name + details changed), a potential client who wants to learn how to speak-up in meetings and conversations.  Here’s some of what she wrote:

“I’ve been trying to work on “finding my voice.” Often, I don’t express my own opinion or defend my point or I simply don’t insert myself in the conversation enough, preferring to take a back seat and let other people enjoy the spotlight.

As convenient as this can be, in that I don’t have to put myself at risk of arguing with others, spending time and energy elaborating a certain point or defending my position, I realize it’s also a source of dissatisfaction and confusion. . .I feel better once I’ve made myself heard, but it’s still a “work-in-progress” because I tend to slip towards old patterns of passively letting other people expose themselves to the “public eye” while I remain passive and silent.”

Michelle is like many of my clients who hold back in conversations and end up frustrating themselves and others.  Why are people hesitant or afraid to enter into the fray of a conversation?  For some it’s a habit that developed in childhood.  Some are perfectionists obsessed with speaking perfectly formed and correct thoughts.  For others, they’re afraid that if they say the ‘wrong” thing people will judge them stupid and withhold approval.  For still others, they’re more comfortable formulating their thoughts in their heads before sharing them.  The problem with this approach is that by the time they’ve processed what they want to say, the conversation has moved on!

By holding back, you’re denying others the benefit of your perspective.  Even if your perspective is askew, it can move the conversation along in a productive way.  In addition, you’re confusing people because they don’t know if you’re uninterested or if you’re simply uninteresting!  Most disturbing, your silence gives others power over you.  You let them determine what you’re thinking and feeling.

What to do?  First, understand why you’re quiet.  What are you telling yourself that is keeping you quiet?  And really, what is the worst-case scenario?  Commit to making one-to-three comments during a conversation.  Use phrases like, “let me jump in here” or “just to backtrack on what was said earlier” to help you ease into the conversation.  Don’t dismiss your ideas by beginning with, “this is probably going to sound stupid”  – just say it!

What’s the point of being with people if you’re not going to contribute to the overall tone of the gathering?  You don’t have to dominate.  You don’t have to be the expert.  You can enjoy “listening” and still contribute.

Remember – wallflowers are for the bedroom – not the meeting table!

Every Day Can Be An April Fool’s Day!

I recently met with Brad and Nikki (names changed) who are getting married later this year.  Their story begins in the most ordinary of ways – they met in high school and quickly became sweethearts.  After graduation they each went to a different college and though they tried to keep the relationship intact, distance and time broke them up.

The years passed and they lost touch with each other.  They each went on to marry and eventually divorce.  And here is where life gets incredible.  One day two years ago, Brad was driving in Santa Monica.  He slammed on the brakes for a red light.  He happened to look to his right and glanced on the back of a woman entering a Staples.  He thought couldn’t shake the feeling she was Nikki.  He parked the car and went racing through Staples.  And, yes, it was Nikki!  They hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in over ten years.  Soon, though, they were back where they had left off and today are planning their wedding

Two weeks ago I finished teaching a course at UCLA.  Every Tuesday night for eleven weeks I’d stand in the hallway outside my classroom before class started.  Anyone who wanted could confer with me.  And every Tuesday night a young man would walk by me on his way to another class.  I noticed him because he always wore a suit and carried a large backpack that appeared to be heavily crammed with who knows what.  I always wondered what could be in that large backpack.

Last week I was in the B of A building downtown on my way to meet with a client.  Ahead of me on the elevator was a guy with a large backpack that made me think of the UCLA guy.  When he turned around, I was stunned to see that it was the same guy!

In last week’s Huffington Post, an item ran about New Jersey couple Jourdan and Ryan Spencer who met on a blind date in 2004 – BUT they actually crossed paths more than a decade before.

Jourdan’s parents have video of her when she was ten at the Sesame Place amusement park in Langhorne, Pennsylvania.  At one point in the video, Ryan, then thirteen years old and an utter stranger, walks into the frame.  He was there with his family!

What better time than April Fool’s to reflect on just how weird life can get?! 

Shakespeare said, “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players.” 

True. 

But it’s poet Mary Oliver who writes, “Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.” 

Somehow, that’s worthy advice for an April Fool’s Day!

What Makes Confident People "Confident"

Last week my UCLA Extension course on Interpersonal Communication ended. The final assignment was simple – I asked the students to tell me in five hundred words or less what they had learned.  One answer in particular stood out.  Pablo wrote: “While I was discussing with some fellow students what we learned in this class, I realized that all of us reached the same goal, though in different ways: we all now feel more confident in ourselves.”

I think confidence goes to the heart of successful living and that’s why I named my website “the business of confidence.”  Confidence, though, is one of those words that can mean different things to different people.  I think there are twelve things confident people consistently do that set them apart from the maddening crowd – and these are the traits I help people cultivate.

Confident people don’t whine, blame, sulk or make excuses. Therefore, when talking with people, their goal is to establish clarity and mutual understanding – they’re not about impressing others with their knowledge.  They know what they know and recognize what they don’t know – b.s. is kept to a minimum.

Confident people are not afraid of those who are different from them – rather, they engage them with inquisitiveness.  They understand that there is no such thing as “the” real world and have learned to comfortably navigate a series of “real” worlds.  This allows them not to be trapped in a fearfully limited knowledge of life.

Confident people understand that the unexpected is unexpected because it’s not expected and so meet challenges head on with the phrase, “I’ll handle it.”  They are not easily swayed by emotional blackmail and are able to extricate themselves from such situations.  They know their particular biases and are able to sidestep them.

If it’s true that life is a never-ending series of moments of small humiliations, then confident people’s  pursuit of perfection is not hindered by an obsessive need to be perfect.  They have a sense of humor that they sensitively manage and display.

The confident have a spirit of “sprezzatura” (the Italian way for describing a certain kind of nonchalance).  While they take life seriously, they don’t take themselves too seriously.  And so they are not snobbishly judging, smugly condemning, slavishly analytical or humorlessly practical. 

Confident people delight in cheering and astonishing others with risky thinking and deciding.  They are not insistent that people, or life, “should” be a certain way.  

The poet Mary Oliver believes “you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life”.  Confident people, because they are confident, adhere to her advice.  They always take responsibility.

How what about you?  How confident are you? 

How confident do you want to be?

"I'm In The Business Of Helping People Not Worry!"

The Castle Green

 

Earlier this month I participated in a wedding fair hosted by Dior Chase, Events Manager at Pasadena’s legendary Castle Green.  I usually don’t participate in these fairs but Dior always manages to create a fun, intimate experience.  At day’s end, I looked for Dior to say good-bye and spotted a laughing couple hugging her.  Moments later, Dior was beaming as she told me that the couple felt relieved and no longer stressed about their wedding because they’d met such great vendors.  With pride Dior said she loved her handpicked vendors because they were the best (thank-you, Dior!).  What’s more, she said she only wants to work with the best because she wants her couples to feel confidently happy when planning their wedding.

I’ve been thinking about what Dior said – that she’s in the business of helping people not worry during one of the most important times in their lives.  What an incredible thing to say about yourself, “I’m in the business of helping people not worry!”

What does it take to succeed in the business of helping people not worry?  Dior makes it look simple and maybe that’s because it actually is simple to do.  If you offer a service that ultimately reassures people, then you simply need to:

·      Know your self.  Know what you enjoy.  Know the technical aspects of what you’re offering so that you are the expert.

·      Surround yourself with top people.  I’ll go so far as to say – be a snob and insist on working only with the best.

·      Let “the best” know you think they’re the best.  Be generous with your compliments.

·      Stay grounded, knowing that the unpredictable is unpredictable because it can’t be predicted!  Go about your business always having in the back of your mind the belief, “I’ll handle it” – no matter what the “it” might be.

·      Share your knowledge even if there might not be an immediate return.  People remember people who help them, even if they don’t hire them on the spot.

·      Understand that you’re dealing with real people with real needs and every real need has an accompanying fear.  Let them know you understand.

·      Laugh.  “Seriously” – there are precious few jobs where humor is not going to help you go a long ways.

Play around with these basics.  Make them your own and soon you will have your special brand – a brand that reassures people they are in safe, competent hands with you.

What Dior does is deceptively simple – she treats her clients like colleagues and her colleagues like clients.  When you treat people like that, they will hug you and say, “Thank you – what a relief it is not to have to worry.”

 Yes, Life can be that simple!

Why Difficult People Are Difficult!

During the last few weeks I’ve met up with several people who are at their wits’ end trying to figure out how to deal with a “difficult” person in their life (professional or personal).  I’ve been working to help these folks manage their resentments.

In order to come up with a strategy for dealing with difficult behaviors, you must answer two questions: 

What makes people difficult for you? 

What makes you difficult? 

And here’s a bonus question:

Do you notice any similarities in the way you can be difficult and in the way others are difficult for you? 

It’s not enough to accuse others of being difficult.  This isn’t an “us” vs. “them” scenario because each of us can be difficult to other people.  Gain insight into what causes you to be difficult and you’ll gain insight into what makes other people difficult.  Only then will you be able to devise ways to manage and defuse challenging people and behavior.

What are the skills needed to productively deal with difficult behavior?  In learning how to manage difficult behavior, it’s essential to recognize two core truths about human psychology:

First – people act out in difficult ways when they believe you do not “see” them, i.e. do not understand or care about their needs and concerns.  Managing challenging people is all about reassuring them that you do “see” them.

Second – we all do what we do, say what we say, for a reason. We do and speak (the good, the bad, the ugly) for a reason.  Because we want to accomplish many things, two goals guide much of our behavior: wanting to get something done and wanting to get something done perfectly right.

When you want to get something done and you don’t think the person in charge is going to get it done, you become difficult.  You become controlling because you’ve lost faith in the other person.

When your focus is not simply on getting the job done but also on getting it done perfectly, you become controlling AND your demand for perfection kicks in.  OR, and here’s the “weird” thing, you might become a pessimist because you don’t believe that what needs to get done perfectly will ever get done perfectly.  Despair drips over you.

You and I most readily become difficult when we need something and we believe (rightly or wrongly) that we’re not getting what we so desperately want.  And everybody is just like us!

Therefore:

Understand what the person who is acting difficult wants and you then can figure out how to deal successfully with that person by reassuring him or her that you recognize and understand their needs AND you are capable of getting those needs met.

To Live A Risky Life

Last week I met with a couple that are getting married next month.  They met four years ago while working in Asia for different divisions of an international food company.  As with many courtships, theirs is a crisscrossed story.  Last year, though, the groom, then CEO of another company based in Asia, decided he no longer wanted to be separated by continents from the woman he loved.  And so he resigned his position and moved to the U.S.

I was stunned as I never met anyone who resigned from the perch of CEO because of love.  When I told him that I was moved by his daring, he matter-of-factly said, “It wasn’t a hard decision.  I love this woman.”  Ah, but for many, I think taking a risk even for love is a rare act.

In the weekend NY Times, Arthur Brooks, reflecting on his courtship of his wife, observes, “Most people are slaves to fear, and prefer avoiding risk to staring it down.  The opposite of love is fear. . .If we want more love, we must conquer fear. We must take personal risks for big potential romantic rewards. Love is supposed to be a little scary because it is uncertain. . .Courage means feeling the fear of rejection and loss but pursuing love anyway. . .Treat love as if it were a start-up that will change the world.”

Recently, at a workshop on leadership, I told the story of a client of mine who hired me for the sole purpose of helping her get promoted to VP.  We mapped out a strategy, analyzing her strengths and blind spots, dissecting office politics and power sources.  Nothing underhanded about any of it – just smart strategy to help her get what she wanted in a way that was mutually satisfying to all involved.  And, yes, she did get promoted.  When I was done outlining the strategy, a participant asked, “Wasn’t that risky on her part?  Couldn’t it have backfired on her?”  Well, yeah, sure it was risky.  However, was being strategic in going after a valued goal more risky than not going after the goal and waiting for someone to magically give it to her?

Friends of mine, married for almost twenty years, are finally divorcing.  I say “finally” because for more than a decade they knew their relationship was neither functional nor healthy.  They stayed together for various reasons most of which came down to the hope that staying comfortably miserable would have a bigger pay-off than risking living outside the dysfunction of their marriage.

And so last week I was reminded that Life, at its most lively, is all about Risk.

Which are you more comfortable with: risk or fear?

How to Keep The 'I' In 'I Do'

February is National Weddings Month.  Not sure why – perhaps because Valentine’s Day is “the” day for proposals!  If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that in addition to consulting and teaching I officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  And so here’s a story in honor of all things wedding.

I was at a Starbucks when I bumped into Meredith (names changed), a bride whose wedding I officiated four years ago. Everything that could have gone wrong with her wedding did.

The florist mixed up the flowers for her bouquet. The musicians were late. The shuttle van from the hotel broke down and guests were stranded for half an hour. Shortly before the ceremony, the zipper on her dress broke. The ceremony was delayed more than an hour.

Through it all she remained calm, not once getting angry. I was in awe and now, finally, I could ask how she did it. Meredith said, “It was the happiest day of our life and Patrick (groom) and I decided we wouldn’t let anything ruin our joy.”

The months leading up to the wedding were stressful beginning with her dad pressuring them to get married in the Catholic Church. Since she and Patrick aren’t regular churchgoers, she thought it’d be hypocritical.  Her mother insisted that she didn’t want anything to do with her ex-husband’s third wife and didn’t want the woman sitting in the front row even though Meredith’s dad was paying for the wedding,

At our last meeting before the wedding, when I asked how they were doing, Patrick said: “Well, we’re learning to say ‘I’m sorry’ to each other a lot faster than we used to.”

We laughed, BUT he did speak to an important issue—communication.  It’s because they had a clear vision of their wedding, grounded in months of honest conversation, that no mishap, however surprising or annoying, was able to ruin the magic of their dream day.

Over the years I’ve seen the startling difference between couples who communicate with trust and confidence and those who are stuck in a rut of complaining and accusing. The former celebrate their wedding day with sparkling eyes while the later struggle just to survive the day.

To help all couples who might not have Meredith’s and Patrick’s vision and skill, I wrote an e-book: “How To Keep The ‘I’ In “I Do: Communication TipsFor Staying Sane While Planning Your Wedding.”   The heart of this book is my belief that the quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in your life.

In honor of National Weddings Month, you can download a free copy (from the 9^th through the 13^th) of the book by simply Clicking Here

Even if you’re not in the midst of planning a wedding, if you’re in a relationship, then I think you’ll find plenty of tips, tricks and techniques in this book to help you improve the quality of your communication.

Enjoy!

Some Non-Sappy Thoughts On 'Friendship'

My friend Doris recently bought a car equipped with Bluetooth.  Although she made the first call to me, she later admitted the Bluetooth made her realize she doesn't have many friends – I was the only person she could think of to call!

Marcus, an IT executive from Brazil, is on sabbatical at UCLA.  His wife and seven-year-old son have joined him for the year.  He told me that on the first day of class, after the teacher introduced his son, the boy smiled and said to the class, “raise your hand if you’d like to be my friend!”

When I was growing-up my parents didn’t encourage me to make friends as they didn’t trust people.  As the years passed, I learned that the great gift of friendship is that friends bear witness to our lives – they help us make sense of the journey.  I forget which of Joan Fontaine’s great characters remarked, “My life can be measured by the moments I’ve had with you.”  While it’s a desperately romantic notion, I think it can also apply to enduring friendships.

With real friends, there are always rituals for celebrating the relationship.  When I lived in NYC, my friend Buddy and I would always go to the World Trade Center’s “Windows On The World” to celebrate a momentous occasion in either of our lives.  When my friend Norman makes his yearly visit from the South Pacific, the first place we go is Jerry’s Deli for a drink and a corned beef sandwich.  On the wall of my dining room I have a collection of framed menus that I stole from restaurants (yes, I’m a thief) – each tells the story of a memorable visit with a memorable friend.

But, here’s the thing – many of the participants at my UCLA workshops will say, “I don’t know how to talk to people.”  They show up wanting to learn how to talk to anyone with confidence and ease.  Yet, people walk into the classroom, sit down and take out their smart phone, ignoring the person next to them.  It simply doesn’t occur to them to talk!

Marcus’ son was able to ask who in the class wanted to be his friend because he believed he was good, funny and interesting enough that other kids would want to be his friend.  He also was able to ask the entire class because he really wasn’t picky – he was happy to have a range of new kids in his life. 

If you want (more) friends, consider this: do you think you’re interesting?  Do you think people should be your friend?  Are you open to having a variety of people in your life? 

Sometimes, life is as easy as raising your hand!