Some Non-Sappy Thoughts On 'Friendship'

My friend Doris recently bought a car equipped with Bluetooth.  Although she made the first call to me, she later admitted the Bluetooth made her realize she doesn't have many friends – I was the only person she could think of to call!

Marcus, an IT executive from Brazil, is on sabbatical at UCLA.  His wife and seven-year-old son have joined him for the year.  He told me that on the first day of class, after the teacher introduced his son, the boy smiled and said to the class, “raise your hand if you’d like to be my friend!”

When I was growing-up my parents didn’t encourage me to make friends as they didn’t trust people.  As the years passed, I learned that the great gift of friendship is that friends bear witness to our lives – they help us make sense of the journey.  I forget which of Joan Fontaine’s great characters remarked, “My life can be measured by the moments I’ve had with you.”  While it’s a desperately romantic notion, I think it can also apply to enduring friendships.

With real friends, there are always rituals for celebrating the relationship.  When I lived in NYC, my friend Buddy and I would always go to the World Trade Center’s “Windows On The World” to celebrate a momentous occasion in either of our lives.  When my friend Norman makes his yearly visit from the South Pacific, the first place we go is Jerry’s Deli for a drink and a corned beef sandwich.  On the wall of my dining room I have a collection of framed menus that I stole from restaurants (yes, I’m a thief) – each tells the story of a memorable visit with a memorable friend.

But, here’s the thing – many of the participants at my UCLA workshops will say, “I don’t know how to talk to people.”  They show up wanting to learn how to talk to anyone with confidence and ease.  Yet, people walk into the classroom, sit down and take out their smart phone, ignoring the person next to them.  It simply doesn’t occur to them to talk!

Marcus’ son was able to ask who in the class wanted to be his friend because he believed he was good, funny and interesting enough that other kids would want to be his friend.  He also was able to ask the entire class because he really wasn’t picky – he was happy to have a range of new kids in his life. 

If you want (more) friends, consider this: do you think you’re interesting?  Do you think people should be your friend?  Are you open to having a variety of people in your life? 

Sometimes, life is as easy as raising your hand!