Why Difficult People Are Difficult!

During the last few weeks I’ve met up with several people who are at their wits’ end trying to figure out how to deal with a “difficult” person in their life (professional or personal).  I’ve been working to help these folks manage their resentments.

In order to come up with a strategy for dealing with difficult behaviors, you must answer two questions: 

What makes people difficult for you? 

What makes you difficult? 

And here’s a bonus question:

Do you notice any similarities in the way you can be difficult and in the way others are difficult for you? 

It’s not enough to accuse others of being difficult.  This isn’t an “us” vs. “them” scenario because each of us can be difficult to other people.  Gain insight into what causes you to be difficult and you’ll gain insight into what makes other people difficult.  Only then will you be able to devise ways to manage and defuse challenging people and behavior.

What are the skills needed to productively deal with difficult behavior?  In learning how to manage difficult behavior, it’s essential to recognize two core truths about human psychology:

First – people act out in difficult ways when they believe you do not “see” them, i.e. do not understand or care about their needs and concerns.  Managing challenging people is all about reassuring them that you do “see” them.

Second – we all do what we do, say what we say, for a reason. We do and speak (the good, the bad, the ugly) for a reason.  Because we want to accomplish many things, two goals guide much of our behavior: wanting to get something done and wanting to get something done perfectly right.

When you want to get something done and you don’t think the person in charge is going to get it done, you become difficult.  You become controlling because you’ve lost faith in the other person.

When your focus is not simply on getting the job done but also on getting it done perfectly, you become controlling AND your demand for perfection kicks in.  OR, and here’s the “weird” thing, you might become a pessimist because you don’t believe that what needs to get done perfectly will ever get done perfectly.  Despair drips over you.

You and I most readily become difficult when we need something and we believe (rightly or wrongly) that we’re not getting what we so desperately want.  And everybody is just like us!

Therefore:

Understand what the person who is acting difficult wants and you then can figure out how to deal successfully with that person by reassuring him or her that you recognize and understand their needs AND you are capable of getting those needs met.