All Motivation Is Self-Motivation

I recently completed teaching an 11-week course at UCLA Extension on interpersonal communication.  I love teaching at Extension because of the incredible diversity of participants––from Azerbaijan to Beverly Hills!

People sign up for a variety of reasons, though one of the most common is a desire to overcome shyness.

Kristina was one of my “typical” shy students.  She had a college degree, a good job and wanted to work on her communication skills so as to improve her chances for advancement.

She seldom talked in class, though she seemed to readily participate in small group discussions. 

More times than not, she was late for class and I frequently noticed her texting in class.

She admitted in a class discussion on technology that she loves texting and can’t imagine living without texting.  She especially likes that she can “get rid of” people via texting them.  Texting lets her limit her involvement with people she doesn’t want to deal with for whatever reason.

Yep, texting is a wonderful coping mechanism for this socially awkward young woman.

After the final class, people mingled about sharing contact info and making plans for a “reunion.”  Kristina, though, came over to me and told me that she found the class helpful because no one in her family understands her.  Her parents came to the U.S. from a small Latin American country.  While growing-up, she had one foot in the U.S. and one in her parents’ home country as they raised her like they were back home.

I admit that I wasn’t paying full attention as I was tired and just wanted to go home.  Suddenly, I realize she’s telling me about how her parents never allowed her to go to her high school prom; how they don’t understand American ways, and how culturally hard her life has been.

I  was moved, but also annoyed––why hadn’t she shared this in one of discussions of cross-cultural issues?  The course was over and the time for sharing this kind of story was done.  Besides, I wanted to join the other participants and say good-bye to them. 

Kristina didn’t get any of my subtle hints that it was time to wrap up the conversation.  She was oblivious that I wanted to “get rid of” her!

Now, I know I may be coming off as a hard-ass; however, I had offered everyone in the class an opportunity for a half-hour phone coaching session, good through the end of the year.  What Kristina was sharing with me would make excellent fodder for a phone chat.

So, here’s where life get’s messy and complicated.  Kristina is shy and, at least in my class, made minimal effort to practice steps to overcome her shyness.

She clings to texting because it’s safe and keeps people at a distance.

She enjoys getting rid of people, but is clueless when I try to get rid of her!  She was so caught-up in her own story, she couldn’t “see” that others in the room wanted a good-bye moment with me and I with them.

Change is hard.  I say something to that effect in probably every other post.  But, it is!  It demands more than sitting in a classroom once a week for a couple of months.  It means sitting down with yourself and asking, “do I want to change?”

If you do want to change, then you’ve got to be willing to do what you don’t like doing which most likely will be the opposite of what you’re doing now.

It will mean finding a guide, a coach.  It’ll mean asking for help, reaching out for feedback.

As guru Tom Peters says:

All motivation is SELF-motivation.