How Not To Starve At Life's Banquet

The other day a friend of mine surprised me with a generous gift.  For a host of reasons, I find it difficult to accept gifts––especially generous and unexpected ones.  My instinct was to politely, firmly turn down the gift––to run from it like it was some alien, toxic matter!  But I also instinctively knew that that was not the right thing to do, that kindness should not be rejected.  And so with a note of thanks I accepted the gift.

In turn, my friend wrote back:

This is all part of my renewed pledge not to starve at life's banquet.  I'm on my 3rd day of 4 hours' sleep working on a project with no end in sight, so I'm taking my joy where I can.  I've decided that nothing will stand in the way of celebrating what deserves to be celebrated––achievement, fellowship, friendship and love. . .all the time and at every opportunity.  I'm going to be a card-carrying member of the 47 percent and I'm entitled to be happy and make and share that happiness.  “Bon Courage” for the day to us all––every day. . .

I think we all would do well to follow my friend’s example. . .

Bon Courage to you this week! 

Strategy-The Key To Successful Communicating

Every chance meeting is an appointment.

Pablo Neruda

In a previous posting, I wrote about Kristina, a shy participant in a class I taught at UCLA.  On that last night of class, Brad, another student, thanked me for my work.  He told me that he had looked forward to every class and had learned a lot.  But then he smiled and said these immortal words: “I still don’t see why I should have to change just to please people, so I’m not going to.”

With that one sentence, Brad graciously assured me that he hadn’t “got” what the class was all about!  My work is not premised in the belief that we should change so as to please other people.  I’m not in the business of creating “people pleasers.”  Rather, I’m in the business of showing people how to be smart and strategic communicators. 

Strategy.  That’s the key word. 

The reason why we communicate is get our needs met.  At its optimal, communicating is about mutual satisfaction.  While that’s not always possible––for a host of reasons––that doesn’t mean it’s any less worthwhile a goal.

No one way of communicating fits all scenarios.  If you talk the same way to every person you deal with, then you’re hitting a one-note and reducing your chances for getting heard and understood.

I learned this the hard way (is there really any other way?) early on in ministry when I was a priest.  The summer after ordination I worked at a parish on Long Island, N.Y..  A few days after arriving, I was assigned the funeral of a long-time parishioner.

I’d never presided at a funeral, so I was feeling nervous when I went to the funeral home for the viewing the night before the service.  I didn’t know the deceased or his family, so what could I say to them without sounding like a walking cliché?

The funeral director informed me that the deceased was survived by his three adult daughters.  That’s all he told me and I was too inexperienced to ask him any questions.

So, I entered the viewing room and spotted three beautiful, blonde-haired women near the casket, who looked like they could have walked off the set of Sex and The City!

I went over to one of the sisters, extended my hand, and in what ended up being a clichéd, somber tone of voice said, “I’m so sorry for your loss; I can’t  imagine how hard a time this must be for you all.”  The woman smiled and with a wave of her hand said, “Thank you, but that’s okay.  Actually, he was a mean s.o.b. and we’re all happy to see him go!”

Well, she put me in my place––and taught me a pivotal lesson.  I’d gone to the viewing on autopilot and didn’t strategize.  I presumed that because it was a funeral, and the people I directly was dealing with were family, that my goal was to comfort them.  But, they didn’t want my sympathy and didn’t need my comfort. 

I learned that just because a certain context calls for a presumed emotion, that doesn’t mean the person(s) involved is going to be feeling that specific way.  In practical terms, I learned to first go to the funeral director and ask for a reading of the “emotional temperature” in a room, so as to gauge my words and demeanor.

All good communication is about strategizing, which means it’s important to consider these three questions:  Who’s involved?  What’s the context?  What’s my goal?  Answer these questions and you can then strategize how you’re going to approach someone.

This is true in our personal lives and equally true in business where the stakes are high. 

Therefore, your primary goal isn’t to please people.  Rather, it’s to create a mutually satisfying (i.e. beneficial) relationship.  And that’s done by figuring out how to communicate with the other person in a way that makes it as easy as possible for her or for him to hear and understand you. 

Only then can our goals have the chance to be mutually satisfied.

“Because”–The Most Persuasive Word You Can Use

I recently took on a client who is focused on changing not just her job, but career field as well.  She’s used her past two sessions strategizing for interview techniques.  One of the techniques I gave her involves the word “because.”  As odd as this tip might appear, it does impact the tone of an interview conversation. . .

I love hanging out with my eleven year old godson, Finn. He’s smart, bright, funny, and an utter goober, though I’m not sure he’d appreciate my saying that on my blog!

One of the things he most enjoys when we’re together is to come up with ways to drive me crazy!  For instance, he’ll play that game where he repeats everything I say, exactly as I say it, so I feel like I’m in an echo chamber talking to myself.  The other thing he loves to do is ask me, “why?”  When I say something, he’ll immediately ask, “why?”  and no matter my answer, he’ll just respond, “why?”

At first, I’ll try to come up with a real answer to his “why” question.  Eventually, though, my brain fries and I’ll move on to wacky answers, until, I just yell, “because, that’s why!”  And then he laughs.

As annoying as this game might be (and I do enjoy being “annoyed” by Finn), it actually replicates a very common pattern in most conversations and interviews.

Often times, we say something without exactly explaining it.  Then the other person will ask, “why do you say that?”  And then you try to explain with, “because. . .”

In an interview, if you make a statement without giving the “because” part, the person experiencing the interview will wonder, why does he think that?  Why does she believe that?  Why does he feel that why?

Giving people the “because” part of why you think something helps to give them a fuller sense of what you mean.

The truth is, we’re always asking “why?” even when we’re not saying the word out loud.  Throughout our daily conversations, people will say stuff that makes us scratch our heads and think, “huh?”  You might ask the other person to explain; often times, though, we don’t.

In an interview, you want to reduce the times the other person thinks, “huh?!”  That’s why you want to give them a “because.”

Now, if you’re tempted to dismiss this as a “nice” tip, but one you’ll not use, consider this rather odd experiment. . .

Years ago, a university sociologist conducted this simple experiment at a library: when someone approached the photocopier to use it, another person, an actor, would walk up and say, "Excuse me, may I go ahead of you? I need to make five copies, because I'm in a rush."  94% of the people allowed the person to go ahead of them.

Okay, so people are polite and willing to help out a person in need.  BUT, the sociologist then gave the experiment a twist. 

The actor would now go up  to a person at the copier and just say, "Excuse me, may I go ahead of you because I have to make five copies?"  And this time, 93% of the people let the actor go ahead of them––even though he had offered them a ridiculous reason!

I’ve tried out this experiment with various groups and the results have matched up.  So, how can it be explained?  It’s because of the power of that word “because.”  People psychologically feel satisfied when their “why” question (whether they say it aloud or just think it) is answered––even with a dumb answer.

Now, I am NOT suggesting you give nonsensical answers to your interview questions!  BUT, I am suggesting that you give thought to the “why” behind your statements.  Let interviewers know “why” you think and feel the way you do, without them having to ask, and you’ll give them a clearer sense of you. 

In return, they’ll pay more attention to you, which really is what you want an interviewer to do!

All Motivation Is Self-Motivation

I recently completed teaching an 11-week course at UCLA Extension on interpersonal communication.  I love teaching at Extension because of the incredible diversity of participants––from Azerbaijan to Beverly Hills!

People sign up for a variety of reasons, though one of the most common is a desire to overcome shyness.

Kristina was one of my “typical” shy students.  She had a college degree, a good job and wanted to work on her communication skills so as to improve her chances for advancement.

She seldom talked in class, though she seemed to readily participate in small group discussions. 

More times than not, she was late for class and I frequently noticed her texting in class.

She admitted in a class discussion on technology that she loves texting and can’t imagine living without texting.  She especially likes that she can “get rid of” people via texting them.  Texting lets her limit her involvement with people she doesn’t want to deal with for whatever reason.

Yep, texting is a wonderful coping mechanism for this socially awkward young woman.

After the final class, people mingled about sharing contact info and making plans for a “reunion.”  Kristina, though, came over to me and told me that she found the class helpful because no one in her family understands her.  Her parents came to the U.S. from a small Latin American country.  While growing-up, she had one foot in the U.S. and one in her parents’ home country as they raised her like they were back home.

I admit that I wasn’t paying full attention as I was tired and just wanted to go home.  Suddenly, I realize she’s telling me about how her parents never allowed her to go to her high school prom; how they don’t understand American ways, and how culturally hard her life has been.

I  was moved, but also annoyed––why hadn’t she shared this in one of discussions of cross-cultural issues?  The course was over and the time for sharing this kind of story was done.  Besides, I wanted to join the other participants and say good-bye to them. 

Kristina didn’t get any of my subtle hints that it was time to wrap up the conversation.  She was oblivious that I wanted to “get rid of” her!

Now, I know I may be coming off as a hard-ass; however, I had offered everyone in the class an opportunity for a half-hour phone coaching session, good through the end of the year.  What Kristina was sharing with me would make excellent fodder for a phone chat.

So, here’s where life get’s messy and complicated.  Kristina is shy and, at least in my class, made minimal effort to practice steps to overcome her shyness.

She clings to texting because it’s safe and keeps people at a distance.

She enjoys getting rid of people, but is clueless when I try to get rid of her!  She was so caught-up in her own story, she couldn’t “see” that others in the room wanted a good-bye moment with me and I with them.

Change is hard.  I say something to that effect in probably every other post.  But, it is!  It demands more than sitting in a classroom once a week for a couple of months.  It means sitting down with yourself and asking, “do I want to change?”

If you do want to change, then you’ve got to be willing to do what you don’t like doing which most likely will be the opposite of what you’re doing now.

It will mean finding a guide, a coach.  It’ll mean asking for help, reaching out for feedback.

As guru Tom Peters says:

All motivation is SELF-motivation.

Le Grand Courtage, Pt. 3

In the last two posts, I’ve reflected on Le Grand Courtage winery’s motto for courting life: embrace life, dream big, accept all invitations.  In this post, I’d like to offer some thoughts on accept all invitations.

When I first read the motto I was charmed, but quickly thought, accept ALL invitations?  Not practical.  We’re just all too busy to accept most invitations, let alone ALL.  And then I heard the ghost of my mother chime in with, “if you don’t know the person, it’s dangerous to accept their invitation.” 

Of course, you have to understand that my mother didn’t allow my brother and me to go trick-n-treating in our Bronx apartment building, where everyone knew every one, as she was afraid that the candy might be tainted!

As a young adult I had to learn how to accept people’s invitations, to move beyond my mother’s suspicions.  To this day, trust is an issue for me and I’m usually cautious with someone who is generous.  My instinct is to ask, “why?”

And so in reflecting on Courtage’s motto, I wondered, “What do we have to do for someone to invite us––to whatever?”   I quickly realized it’s a non-question because the exquisite aspect of an invitation is that it’s a gift, a surprise, unasked for (sure, we can twist someone’s arm into inviting us to a party or whatever, but then that’s not a real invitation).

What do we gain from an invitation?  An odd question, perhaps, but I ask it because my own mother believed that nothing good could come from an invitation.  She thought the inviter probably wanted something, that they had an ulterior motive and it wasn’t a good one in that we would somehow be asked to give more than we received. 

Sure, sometimes a person invites us into their life because they think we have something they can use or need.  Beware the wolf in sheep’s clothing cliché!

So, maybe we shouldn’t accept “all” invitations, but. . .

I think there are two reasons why someone might extend us an invitation––the first is that they like us, and the second is that they’re doing something they like so much they want to share it and think we’re worthy of sharing it with.  Invitation is rooted in benefit and gain. 

If you think about it, isn’t that why you invite people?

So, what can we hope for from an invitation?  I think an invitation can be the promise of something unexpectedly good; something that surprises us with its unique perspective on life.  Invitations hold the promise of connection.  Through our meeting someone(s) we could not have expected to meet, our life is enhanced somehow. 

The best invitations are like the feel of a breath of fresh air blowing by our face.  We feel refreshed.

How do we court life?  Simple, really. . .by not becoming so jaded that we look askance at every invite.

To embrace life is to accept surprise and dreaming big is possible only when you embrace life.  And so I don’t think it’s too cutesy to say that life is invitation.

When I think of the life-changing experiences that have dotted my life, I realize that each one came about because I accepted an invitation, whether it was to teach on an island in the South Pacific or to babysit an infant who would eventually become my godson.

Albert Schweitzer, a humanitarian of the mid last century, maintained that, in everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.

Maybe this is how we court life when we accept invitations because it’s just possible that the invitation may be the one that propels us along to becoming more fully who we are meant to become.

Le Grand Courtage Pt. 2

In the last post, I reflected on Le Grand Courtage winery’s motto for courting life: embrace life, dream big, accept all invitations, and what it means to embrace life.  In this post, I’d like to offer some thoughts on DREAMING BIG.

I’m a bit hesitant to say anything about “dreaming big” because, hey, what’s there to say that hasn’t been said before?!   I’ve decided, though, to toss a thoughts onto the motivational pile of “dream big” sentiments because the fact is, it’s so easy to forget how essential it is to go BIG when dreaming. 

Years ago I came across this story and tucked it into a journal book.  Ironically, I came upon it a couple of days ago and I think it offers its own perspective on dreaming. . .

An old man approached the 19^th century poet and artist Dante Gabriel Rossetti and asked him to look at his portfolio to see if his work showed potential talent.  After looking through several sketches, Rossetti very gently told the elderly man that the pictures had little value and showed little talent.

Disappointed but not surprised, the old man apologized for taking up Rossetti’s time but asked if the artist might look at a few more drawings done by a young art student.  As he looked at each creation, Rossetti became enthusiastic in his praise.  “These are very good; this young student has great talent and should be encouraged.  Who is the artist?  Is it your son?”

“No,” said the old man sadly.  “This is my work from forty years ago.  If only I had heard your praise then!  For you see, I got discouraged and gave up too soon.

World of Stories

William J. Bausch

This story reminds me that there are two often overlooked components to dreaming big. 

The first is that in order to dream big, you need to be kind to yourself––kind as you let the dream become a part of who you are without defining who you are.  Without kindness, you can’t nurture that BIG dream so as to let it give you life and energy, no matter if you receive discouragement or no encouragement.  Without kindness, you will walk away from your dreaming self.

While the story packs a surprise punch, I have reflected on which was sadder––that no one encouraged the painter when he was a young man OR that he allowed the lack of encouragement to seep into his soul and stifle him?  I think the real tragedy is that he could not muster enough kindness to offer to his own talent.

The other overlooked component to dreaming BIG is that if you are dreaming big then you have an obligation to encourage other big dreamers, and especially to encourage those who don’t dream big to dream big.

To be obsessed with your dream and not hear or see or sense the dreams of others turns you into a megalomaniac and not a dreamer.

To dream big is to embrace life. . .

If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, 

but for the passionate sense of the potential, 

for the eye, which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. 

Pleasure disappoints, possibility never. 

And what is so sparkling, so fragrant, what so intoxicating, as possibility!

Soren Kierkegaard

Le Grand Courtage––More Than Wine

I recently attended a networking event.  I arrived early and headed straight to get a drink.  One bar station was serving just wine––sponsored by Le Grand Courtage. I’m not a wine connoisseur so all I can say is that I enjoyed my “Blanc de Blanc.”  However, what got my attention was the company’s motto: “embrace life, dream big, accept all invitations.”

I later checked out their website and this is how the founders (American) describe their story:

Le Grand Courtâge is our vision.  We decided to pursue our passion, take a risk and move to France with the goal of making a well-priced sparkling wine unlike any on the market.

Our motto is ‘Embrace Life.  Dream Big.  Accept all Invitations.‘ and to that end our goal is to provide an affordable luxury that is perfect for “courting life” and celebrating its special occasions, as well as all of the every day moments in between.

I’m charmed by their romanticism, but even more, I’m challenged by their commitment to “courting life.”  During the past weeks, I’ve reflected on what a person needs in order to court life.  Sometimes the demands of life are so harsh and mercurial that the notion of “courting life” seems a down right radical act of bravery.

Embrace life. 

I think you can only embrace life if you refuse to see life as the enemy. Perhaps that strikes you as an odd notion, but I once had a client whose mantra was, “life’s a bitch and then you die.”  In some perverted way, life for him was a form of punishment.

The opposite of love is actually not hate; it’s indifference.  The opposite of embracing life is walking away from life.  For the person living in a dark place of disappointment, the mantra he or she clutches is, “why bother?” 

I think embracing life requires that we wrestle with the question, “if I can’t have everything I want, then what does any of it matter?”  

Embracing life means “bothering.”  It means wanting and coming to terms with the reality that not everything can be ours.

But here’s the thing––maybe what you want isn’t worth having.  Maybe what you want isn’t really what you want.  Maybe what you want now will come to you, but only later.  And maybe what you want is wonderful and you should have it, but it will be the one thing you’ll never have, for a host of reasons.

Sad for you, though, if you don’t see what else is being offered you because there is always something being offered.  And maybe that’s what embracing life is all about––seeing and receiving the something else that is being offered.

Dom Helder Camara, a theologian and wise man from Brazil, encouraged the discouraged with these words: “Accept surprise that upsets your plans, shatters your dreams, gives a completely different turn to your day and who knows? --to your life.”

To embrace life is to embrace surprise.

Yes, life is hard as so much conspires to pull us apart from our deepest longings.  Yet, when we come to the place of our greatest fear, there we will find freedom.

Too Afraid To Want What You Want

Todd hired me because he wanted guidance as he searched for a new job.  The financial situation at his company is such that he doesn’t see room for either advancement or a raise and he doesn’t want to be stuck on a Titanic.

He works in the entertainment industry as a technical manager at an editing production house.  He’s been at it long enough that his knowledge and expertise put him in a valued position.

For several months he’s been going through a series of interviews at a major Studio.  After each one, he’s been encouraged that “the job” is going to be offered to him.

However, in an odd twist, his fifth interview was with an executive who admitted he didn’t know what job he was interviewing Todd for!  At the end, the guy assured Todd that he seemed like a perfect fit––even though he couldn’t say for certain what the job was!

He told Todd that someone from HR would contact him shortly.  Todd realized that with each successive interview, he was becoming more confused as to the job he was a “shoe-in” for.

Ten days went by without a word.  So, he called his contact and explained that he’s going on vacation and would like to know what’s up before heading out of town.

His contact asked him to call when he got back because for sure he’ll have good news then.  Todd told me that he’s not going to call; he’s fed up and if they want him, they’ll call. 

But there’s more.  Todd admitted he enjoys being a drama queen because he doesn’t want them to offer him a job––whatever the job might be!

Yes, intellectually, he wants “the” job, but emotionally he doesn’t.  He likes his job, he likes the power and influence he has and he’s afraid to lose it, but because the company’s in a financial mess he feels he should move on. 

If the Studio says, “No,” then he’ll be happy because he can reassure himself that he tried.  If the Studio says, “Yes,” then he’ll go to his boss and hope he’ll counter-offer, though he doubts he can. 

Todd admits he doesn’t want to take power in the situation because then he’ll have to live with the consequences of his decisions.  He’s hoping that what “should” happen, will happen.

Crazy?  Sure.  But most of us do some version of what Todd is doing.  Change is scary.  Taking responsibility for our decisions is scary.  Leaving it up to the “gods” to decide our fate seems less risky.  Playing mind games is more fun than mapping out a strategy.

But, if we don’t create our own life, then who will? 

Magical Thinking

Chandler Massey (21) recently won a daytime Emmy for his role as Will on "Days Of Our Lives."  And no, I don’t know this because I watch the soap nor am I a fan of Massey’s.  But I do love to read celebrity “news” (hey, not everything can be about communication in the workplace!).

It seems that Massey was the odds-on favorite in his category, though he didn’t take the predictions seriously.  In fact, he didn’t even bother to write an acceptance speech.  He revealed to reporters that he hadn’t prepared a speech because he didn’t want to “jinx it.”  He later regretted not writing one because he forgot to thank various special people, including his grandparents.

I was amused reading this because how often have I refrained from doing or saying something because I didn’t want to “jinx” it––whatever “it” is!  So many of us engage in this primitive practice of superstition.

My father used to say, “Don’t get your hopes up so that way you won’t be disappointed.”  Well, he was right.  I followed his advice for years and never got disappointed.  I trained myself to focus on the negative and to downplay my talents, wishes, and hopes.  I had learned that hoping can only lead to disappointment.

I’ve met many people who are reluctant to prepare for the best, when that could somehow increase the chances of “the best” not happening.  If you think about it, isn’t it amazing just how much power we think we have over the universe?  Instead of, “build it and they will come” their mantra is more like, “don’t dream it and it will come about.” 

Had Massey written an acceptance speech, he still would have won since the mere act of writing would not have had the power to make all those winning votes magically disappear!

He engaged in magical thinking and we all do it in some form or another:

Let’s not talk about bad jury duty experiences because then we’ll receive a summons the next day (hmm. . .I hope I didn’t just jinx myself!).  Let’s not talk about it raining on my special occasion because then it will rain.  Let’s not prepare since that would entail too much power on our part; but let’s acknowledge we do have power to shape things by simply speaking of them!

What’s wrong with being disappointed?  Okay, that’s such an obnoxious question because we all know being disappointed sucks.  However, had Massey written his speech and lost, he would have been disappointed AND he would have had that thank you written so he could have sent it to those he loved.  After all, he wasn’t thanking them for winning, he was thanking them for loving him and he didn’t need to wait to stand on stage with a trophy to do that!

What kind of magical thinking are you doing?  Is it stopping you from doing something you would enjoy?  Do your superstitions free you up or trip you up?