Why We See What We See And Don't See What We Don't See

When I’m not offering workshops or coaching clients in communication skills, I’m officiating non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  I recently came across this posting by Liene Stevens on her blog, thinksplendid.com.  She covers trends in the wedding industry and here she’s talking about two of her favorite event designers:

I'm always amazed at how Beka Rendell and Kimberly Fink of Styled Creative see things. They can walk into any dilapidated venue and see it transformed into something magical. They can take a piece of what the rest of the world would consider garbage and turn it into art. They can take a handful of seemingly disconnected items and combine them into what becomes the next must-have trend. . .This skill transcends events and design.

We see what we look for. If you look for cynicism, you'll find a cold, hard, gloomy world where everyone is completely focused on themselves. If you look for the silver lining, you'll find a world of joy, creativity, generosity and simple pleasures.

. . .Looking for the good simply allows the bad to be viewed in the appropriate context: as a part, not the whole, and often as something that can be restored or given a second chance.

A few days after reading this post, I had a funny––and bizarre––experience that brought Stevens observations home for me.  

Last Christmas, I threw my first holiday party in my new home.  Two of my closest friends weren’t able to make it.  Norman lives in the South Pacific and Anthony lives in the Bay Area. 

Last Friday, Norman flew into town on his way to Rhode Island where he’s spending the summer.  I picked him up at LAX and by the time we got back to my place it was 11:30pm.  As I was pouring each of us a rum-n-coke the phone rang.  The caller i.d. indicated it was the building’s front door intercom. 

Since I wasn’t expecting anyone, I presumed the person hit the wrong button.  Moments later, the phone rang again.  Again, I ignored it.  Norman asked if I was going to answer.  “No, they’ll figure out what’s going on—now let’s toast the summer.”  Just then, the phone rings again.  I’m now officially annoyed.  My New York instincts kick into high gear and I refuse to answer.  This time, though, the person leaves a message.  He sounds drunk and says he’s “Roger” looking for Norman.  Ha-ha, isn’t that funny he’s looking for a “Norman”?

Norman blanches.  Flustered, he starts to confess that he’d reconnected with a college friend on Facebook and when he learned they would be in LA at the same time, he gave him my address.

“WHAT?!  Why did you do that?”  Phone rings.  Now I answer.  Yep, it’s Norman’s Roger.

It’s now after midnight and I tell Norman that this guy can’t stay long.  I’m beyond annoyed.  As we head to the lobby, Norman announces he’s heard from friends that Roger has a drinking “problem.”  NOOO! I’ve got a Friday night drunk on my hands.

I enter the lobby and there, standing outside the glass front doors, is Roger. . .long hair, goofy/drunk smile, holding a cake box and a “happy birthday” bag.  Ugh!  He’s just come from a birthday party and he wants to continue the party at my place!  I’m panicked as I frantically think of how I can get rid of this guy.

As I open the door, Roger grins and says, “Hi!  How ya doin?”  My smile is forced.  I can’t see Norman and am annoyed he’s not stepping in.  Roger just stands there, smiles and again says “hi.”  Stupid drunk!  I lamely smile.  “How ya doin’?”

And then Norman grabs my arm and yells—it’s Anthony!  Huh?

Turns out, “Roger” was my friend Anthony––and I didn’t recognize him!  He’d made no effort to disguise himself.  I hadn’t seen him in a year; he had longer hair, and a scruffy look, BUT I didn’t recognize him and I’ve known him for half my life!!!!!!

The two of them had hatched this scheme to surprise me, though, neither imagined that I wouldn’t recognize Anthony.  The ultimate surprise was on them!

I’m still stunned as I write this, AND I’m unnerved as during these past days I’ve reflected on––what do we really see of reality?  Why do we see what we see and don’t see what we don’t see?

I wasn’t expecting Tony.  I was looking for “Roger.”  When I spoke to “Roger” on the phone, he sounded German and drunk.  So, in an agitated state, I went to the entry door looking for a drunk, European.  And that’s what I saw!

Yes, I was tired and, no, I hadn’t been drinking (Norman and I had just toasted when the phone rang).  BUT, I saw what I wanted to see.  And I’ve been thinking about this ever since.

What else distorts my vision of “reality”?  What distorts your vision of reality?!  As Liene Stevens wrote: we see what we look for. . .

I’ll be coming back to this story in future posts!