Every Day Can Be An April Fool’s Day!

I recently met with Brad and Nikki (names changed) who are getting married later this year.  Their story begins in the most ordinary of ways – they met in high school and quickly became sweethearts.  After graduation they each went to a different college and though they tried to keep the relationship intact, distance and time broke them up.

The years passed and they lost touch with each other.  They each went on to marry and eventually divorce.  And here is where life gets incredible.  One day two years ago, Brad was driving in Santa Monica.  He slammed on the brakes for a red light.  He happened to look to his right and glanced on the back of a woman entering a Staples.  He thought couldn’t shake the feeling she was Nikki.  He parked the car and went racing through Staples.  And, yes, it was Nikki!  They hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in over ten years.  Soon, though, they were back where they had left off and today are planning their wedding

Two weeks ago I finished teaching a course at UCLA.  Every Tuesday night for eleven weeks I’d stand in the hallway outside my classroom before class started.  Anyone who wanted could confer with me.  And every Tuesday night a young man would walk by me on his way to another class.  I noticed him because he always wore a suit and carried a large backpack that appeared to be heavily crammed with who knows what.  I always wondered what could be in that large backpack.

Last week I was in the B of A building downtown on my way to meet with a client.  Ahead of me on the elevator was a guy with a large backpack that made me think of the UCLA guy.  When he turned around, I was stunned to see that it was the same guy!

In last week’s Huffington Post, an item ran about New Jersey couple Jourdan and Ryan Spencer who met on a blind date in 2004 – BUT they actually crossed paths more than a decade before.

Jourdan’s parents have video of her when she was ten at the Sesame Place amusement park in Langhorne, Pennsylvania.  At one point in the video, Ryan, then thirteen years old and an utter stranger, walks into the frame.  He was there with his family!

What better time than April Fool’s to reflect on just how weird life can get?! 

Shakespeare said, “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players.” 

True. 

But it’s poet Mary Oliver who writes, “Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.” 

Somehow, that’s worthy advice for an April Fool’s Day!

What Makes Confident People "Confident"

Last week my UCLA Extension course on Interpersonal Communication ended. The final assignment was simple – I asked the students to tell me in five hundred words or less what they had learned.  One answer in particular stood out.  Pablo wrote: “While I was discussing with some fellow students what we learned in this class, I realized that all of us reached the same goal, though in different ways: we all now feel more confident in ourselves.”

I think confidence goes to the heart of successful living and that’s why I named my website “the business of confidence.”  Confidence, though, is one of those words that can mean different things to different people.  I think there are twelve things confident people consistently do that set them apart from the maddening crowd – and these are the traits I help people cultivate.

Confident people don’t whine, blame, sulk or make excuses. Therefore, when talking with people, their goal is to establish clarity and mutual understanding – they’re not about impressing others with their knowledge.  They know what they know and recognize what they don’t know – b.s. is kept to a minimum.

Confident people are not afraid of those who are different from them – rather, they engage them with inquisitiveness.  They understand that there is no such thing as “the” real world and have learned to comfortably navigate a series of “real” worlds.  This allows them not to be trapped in a fearfully limited knowledge of life.

Confident people understand that the unexpected is unexpected because it’s not expected and so meet challenges head on with the phrase, “I’ll handle it.”  They are not easily swayed by emotional blackmail and are able to extricate themselves from such situations.  They know their particular biases and are able to sidestep them.

If it’s true that life is a never-ending series of moments of small humiliations, then confident people’s  pursuit of perfection is not hindered by an obsessive need to be perfect.  They have a sense of humor that they sensitively manage and display.

The confident have a spirit of “sprezzatura” (the Italian way for describing a certain kind of nonchalance).  While they take life seriously, they don’t take themselves too seriously.  And so they are not snobbishly judging, smugly condemning, slavishly analytical or humorlessly practical. 

Confident people delight in cheering and astonishing others with risky thinking and deciding.  They are not insistent that people, or life, “should” be a certain way.  

The poet Mary Oliver believes “you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life”.  Confident people, because they are confident, adhere to her advice.  They always take responsibility.

How what about you?  How confident are you? 

How confident do you want to be?

"I'm In The Business Of Helping People Not Worry!"

The Castle Green

 

Earlier this month I participated in a wedding fair hosted by Dior Chase, Events Manager at Pasadena’s legendary Castle Green.  I usually don’t participate in these fairs but Dior always manages to create a fun, intimate experience.  At day’s end, I looked for Dior to say good-bye and spotted a laughing couple hugging her.  Moments later, Dior was beaming as she told me that the couple felt relieved and no longer stressed about their wedding because they’d met such great vendors.  With pride Dior said she loved her handpicked vendors because they were the best (thank-you, Dior!).  What’s more, she said she only wants to work with the best because she wants her couples to feel confidently happy when planning their wedding.

I’ve been thinking about what Dior said – that she’s in the business of helping people not worry during one of the most important times in their lives.  What an incredible thing to say about yourself, “I’m in the business of helping people not worry!”

What does it take to succeed in the business of helping people not worry?  Dior makes it look simple and maybe that’s because it actually is simple to do.  If you offer a service that ultimately reassures people, then you simply need to:

·      Know your self.  Know what you enjoy.  Know the technical aspects of what you’re offering so that you are the expert.

·      Surround yourself with top people.  I’ll go so far as to say – be a snob and insist on working only with the best.

·      Let “the best” know you think they’re the best.  Be generous with your compliments.

·      Stay grounded, knowing that the unpredictable is unpredictable because it can’t be predicted!  Go about your business always having in the back of your mind the belief, “I’ll handle it” – no matter what the “it” might be.

·      Share your knowledge even if there might not be an immediate return.  People remember people who help them, even if they don’t hire them on the spot.

·      Understand that you’re dealing with real people with real needs and every real need has an accompanying fear.  Let them know you understand.

·      Laugh.  “Seriously” – there are precious few jobs where humor is not going to help you go a long ways.

Play around with these basics.  Make them your own and soon you will have your special brand – a brand that reassures people they are in safe, competent hands with you.

What Dior does is deceptively simple – she treats her clients like colleagues and her colleagues like clients.  When you treat people like that, they will hug you and say, “Thank you – what a relief it is not to have to worry.”

 Yes, Life can be that simple!

Why Difficult People Are Difficult!

During the last few weeks I’ve met up with several people who are at their wits’ end trying to figure out how to deal with a “difficult” person in their life (professional or personal).  I’ve been working to help these folks manage their resentments.

In order to come up with a strategy for dealing with difficult behaviors, you must answer two questions: 

What makes people difficult for you? 

What makes you difficult? 

And here’s a bonus question:

Do you notice any similarities in the way you can be difficult and in the way others are difficult for you? 

It’s not enough to accuse others of being difficult.  This isn’t an “us” vs. “them” scenario because each of us can be difficult to other people.  Gain insight into what causes you to be difficult and you’ll gain insight into what makes other people difficult.  Only then will you be able to devise ways to manage and defuse challenging people and behavior.

What are the skills needed to productively deal with difficult behavior?  In learning how to manage difficult behavior, it’s essential to recognize two core truths about human psychology:

First – people act out in difficult ways when they believe you do not “see” them, i.e. do not understand or care about their needs and concerns.  Managing challenging people is all about reassuring them that you do “see” them.

Second – we all do what we do, say what we say, for a reason. We do and speak (the good, the bad, the ugly) for a reason.  Because we want to accomplish many things, two goals guide much of our behavior: wanting to get something done and wanting to get something done perfectly right.

When you want to get something done and you don’t think the person in charge is going to get it done, you become difficult.  You become controlling because you’ve lost faith in the other person.

When your focus is not simply on getting the job done but also on getting it done perfectly, you become controlling AND your demand for perfection kicks in.  OR, and here’s the “weird” thing, you might become a pessimist because you don’t believe that what needs to get done perfectly will ever get done perfectly.  Despair drips over you.

You and I most readily become difficult when we need something and we believe (rightly or wrongly) that we’re not getting what we so desperately want.  And everybody is just like us!

Therefore:

Understand what the person who is acting difficult wants and you then can figure out how to deal successfully with that person by reassuring him or her that you recognize and understand their needs AND you are capable of getting those needs met.

To Live A Risky Life

Last week I met with a couple that are getting married next month.  They met four years ago while working in Asia for different divisions of an international food company.  As with many courtships, theirs is a crisscrossed story.  Last year, though, the groom, then CEO of another company based in Asia, decided he no longer wanted to be separated by continents from the woman he loved.  And so he resigned his position and moved to the U.S.

I was stunned as I never met anyone who resigned from the perch of CEO because of love.  When I told him that I was moved by his daring, he matter-of-factly said, “It wasn’t a hard decision.  I love this woman.”  Ah, but for many, I think taking a risk even for love is a rare act.

In the weekend NY Times, Arthur Brooks, reflecting on his courtship of his wife, observes, “Most people are slaves to fear, and prefer avoiding risk to staring it down.  The opposite of love is fear. . .If we want more love, we must conquer fear. We must take personal risks for big potential romantic rewards. Love is supposed to be a little scary because it is uncertain. . .Courage means feeling the fear of rejection and loss but pursuing love anyway. . .Treat love as if it were a start-up that will change the world.”

Recently, at a workshop on leadership, I told the story of a client of mine who hired me for the sole purpose of helping her get promoted to VP.  We mapped out a strategy, analyzing her strengths and blind spots, dissecting office politics and power sources.  Nothing underhanded about any of it – just smart strategy to help her get what she wanted in a way that was mutually satisfying to all involved.  And, yes, she did get promoted.  When I was done outlining the strategy, a participant asked, “Wasn’t that risky on her part?  Couldn’t it have backfired on her?”  Well, yeah, sure it was risky.  However, was being strategic in going after a valued goal more risky than not going after the goal and waiting for someone to magically give it to her?

Friends of mine, married for almost twenty years, are finally divorcing.  I say “finally” because for more than a decade they knew their relationship was neither functional nor healthy.  They stayed together for various reasons most of which came down to the hope that staying comfortably miserable would have a bigger pay-off than risking living outside the dysfunction of their marriage.

And so last week I was reminded that Life, at its most lively, is all about Risk.

Which are you more comfortable with: risk or fear?

How to Keep The 'I' In 'I Do'

February is National Weddings Month.  Not sure why – perhaps because Valentine’s Day is “the” day for proposals!  If you’re a regular reader of this blog, you know that in addition to consulting and teaching I officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  And so here’s a story in honor of all things wedding.

I was at a Starbucks when I bumped into Meredith (names changed), a bride whose wedding I officiated four years ago. Everything that could have gone wrong with her wedding did.

The florist mixed up the flowers for her bouquet. The musicians were late. The shuttle van from the hotel broke down and guests were stranded for half an hour. Shortly before the ceremony, the zipper on her dress broke. The ceremony was delayed more than an hour.

Through it all she remained calm, not once getting angry. I was in awe and now, finally, I could ask how she did it. Meredith said, “It was the happiest day of our life and Patrick (groom) and I decided we wouldn’t let anything ruin our joy.”

The months leading up to the wedding were stressful beginning with her dad pressuring them to get married in the Catholic Church. Since she and Patrick aren’t regular churchgoers, she thought it’d be hypocritical.  Her mother insisted that she didn’t want anything to do with her ex-husband’s third wife and didn’t want the woman sitting in the front row even though Meredith’s dad was paying for the wedding,

At our last meeting before the wedding, when I asked how they were doing, Patrick said: “Well, we’re learning to say ‘I’m sorry’ to each other a lot faster than we used to.”

We laughed, BUT he did speak to an important issue—communication.  It’s because they had a clear vision of their wedding, grounded in months of honest conversation, that no mishap, however surprising or annoying, was able to ruin the magic of their dream day.

Over the years I’ve seen the startling difference between couples who communicate with trust and confidence and those who are stuck in a rut of complaining and accusing. The former celebrate their wedding day with sparkling eyes while the later struggle just to survive the day.

To help all couples who might not have Meredith’s and Patrick’s vision and skill, I wrote an e-book: “How To Keep The ‘I’ In “I Do: Communication TipsFor Staying Sane While Planning Your Wedding.”   The heart of this book is my belief that the quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in your life.

In honor of National Weddings Month, you can download a free copy (from the 9^th through the 13^th) of the book by simply Clicking Here

Even if you’re not in the midst of planning a wedding, if you’re in a relationship, then I think you’ll find plenty of tips, tricks and techniques in this book to help you improve the quality of your communication.

Enjoy!

Some Non-Sappy Thoughts On 'Friendship'

My friend Doris recently bought a car equipped with Bluetooth.  Although she made the first call to me, she later admitted the Bluetooth made her realize she doesn't have many friends – I was the only person she could think of to call!

Marcus, an IT executive from Brazil, is on sabbatical at UCLA.  His wife and seven-year-old son have joined him for the year.  He told me that on the first day of class, after the teacher introduced his son, the boy smiled and said to the class, “raise your hand if you’d like to be my friend!”

When I was growing-up my parents didn’t encourage me to make friends as they didn’t trust people.  As the years passed, I learned that the great gift of friendship is that friends bear witness to our lives – they help us make sense of the journey.  I forget which of Joan Fontaine’s great characters remarked, “My life can be measured by the moments I’ve had with you.”  While it’s a desperately romantic notion, I think it can also apply to enduring friendships.

With real friends, there are always rituals for celebrating the relationship.  When I lived in NYC, my friend Buddy and I would always go to the World Trade Center’s “Windows On The World” to celebrate a momentous occasion in either of our lives.  When my friend Norman makes his yearly visit from the South Pacific, the first place we go is Jerry’s Deli for a drink and a corned beef sandwich.  On the wall of my dining room I have a collection of framed menus that I stole from restaurants (yes, I’m a thief) – each tells the story of a memorable visit with a memorable friend.

But, here’s the thing – many of the participants at my UCLA workshops will say, “I don’t know how to talk to people.”  They show up wanting to learn how to talk to anyone with confidence and ease.  Yet, people walk into the classroom, sit down and take out their smart phone, ignoring the person next to them.  It simply doesn’t occur to them to talk!

Marcus’ son was able to ask who in the class wanted to be his friend because he believed he was good, funny and interesting enough that other kids would want to be his friend.  He also was able to ask the entire class because he really wasn’t picky – he was happy to have a range of new kids in his life. 

If you want (more) friends, consider this: do you think you’re interesting?  Do you think people should be your friend?  Are you open to having a variety of people in your life? 

Sometimes, life is as easy as raising your hand!

How Powerful Are Your Lies?

I recently received an email from Ida (name changed).  She’d heard me speak at a luncheon as was hoping I might be able to help her because she hasn’t dated in ten years!  Here’s a slice of what she wrote:

 “I dated a guy for four years during college.  We dreamed of getting married and growing old together.  There was just one problem: Communication! He could never understand me.  I’d try to communicate how I was feeling but it never ended well.  It left me feeling inept and him frustrated. His family loved me, my family loved him, we had the same morals, the same religion, and the same aspirations in life, but in the end we just fought too much.  It would take us days to resolve a fight because we wouldn’t be able to see eye to eye.  I haven’t date anyone for ten years because I honestly thought that if it didn’t work out with him it wouldn’t work out with anyone.” 

I’m not a dating coach, but I think I can help Ida – at least help her see her situation from a new perspective. 

Relationship is ALL about communication.  The quality of our life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in our life.  I’m not able (at this point) to analyze where and how the communication broke down in her relationship BUT I can pinpoint where the communication broke down in terms of how she communicated with her own self.

Ida decided that because her relationship with her college beau didn’t work out, then, she had no chance with any other man on the face of the earth!  This arbitrary decision was based on a sampling of just one man!  She convinced herself it was true and because she believed it to be true, she cut herself off from the possibility of romantic love.  For ten years she allowed herself to be constrained by a lie.

If she wants to date again, then she can.  The only thing holding her back is the lie she bought into ten years ago.  But here’s the thing – most of us, at one time or another in our lives, buy into a self-imposed lie that ends up sabotaging us.

I have to be “perfect” for people to appreciate me; I have to have everyone “love” me in order to be worthwhile, etc., etc.

Are you feeling constrained, trapped, or demotivated?  Chances are it’s because you’re believing a lie that you’ve convinced yourself is true.  Put the spotlight on the lie, bravely expose it for the nonsense it is and then do something that gives you life and doesn’t keep you locked away.

Oh, and Ida’s joining Match.com this week!

When Opportunity Bumps Into You

Last week I spoke to the juniors at New Community Jewish H.S. on “how to prepare for college.”  While I presume most of you have put your college years behind you, I think the advice I offered the juniors might still be helpful.  Here’s the gist of what I told them:

When I was seven I landed in the hospital for four months with a heart ailment.  The day after I returned home, an elderly neighbor dropped off two shopping bags filled with National Geographic magazines.  Soon I was devouring the stash, dreaming of a day when I’d have my own exotic adventure.

That opportunity came when I was a senior at Fordham U.  Bill McGary, director of Xavier High School in Chuuk, Micronesia (island grouping 700 miles south of Guam) came to my service organization looking for volunteer teachers.  I had no idea where Chuuk was located.  I only knew it was in the South Pacific, home to many of my Nat. Geo. fantasies. 

Turns out, the three years I spent teaching at XHS were the happiest of my life.  They shaped me into the man I’ve become.

Life is funny – had I not gone to Fordham I wouldn’t have met Bill McGary and if I hadn’t met Bill I wouldn’t have gone to Chuuk and if I hadn’t gone to Chuuk, my life would have been the poorer for it.

But here’s the kicker – I hated Fordham U!  Yes, it’s a wonderful school, but I’d gone to Fordham Prep and so had already spent four years on the campus.  I wanted to get away from my overly protective parents, but they’d have none of it.  Fordham was the only school they were willing to pay for.

What I learned and re-learned in my life is that opportunity is everywhere – if only we have the eyes and ears and heart to recognize opportunity when it bumps into us.  I told the juniors that the best way to prepare for college is by learning how to recognize opportunity in unlikely places.  Isn’t that the best preparation for life?

In recent years my friend Ava (name changed) has developed an interest in wines.  Over Thanksgiving we went wine tasting in Los Olivos.  At one winery Ava shared with the woman serving us how she wished she had her job.  Turns out, the woman was in charge of staffing and she was looking for people to add to the roster.

While Ava isn’t going to be quitting her full time job, she is spending weekends working at the winery – and having an utter blast!

Opportunity – it’s everywhere.  Hidden – waiting – unexpected.

What about you – are you ready for when opportunity knocks you over the head?!

WATCH This Video - If You Want To Improve Your Speaking Skills!

WARNING: do NOT turn on the volume for this video!

Huh?

There are many aspects to being an engaging and effective presenter.  And many of those aspects concern the non-verbal, i.e. posture, movement, facial expression, and gestures.

If you’re interested in honing your presenting skills, I suggest you watch this short (5

minute) video – without sound.

Why?

I encourage you to focus on the presenter’s non-verbal and based on his non-verbal see if you can guess what he’s talking about.  THEN, go back and re-watch WITH sound.

I think you’ll be surprised – and amused – and will think about presenting with new insight.

And if you are interested in honing your presenting skills, then please email me and let’s set up a time to explore how I can help you go from “good” to WOW!

jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com

Top 10 Things I Learned In 2014

Last week I went to a “3 Kings” party, celebrating the 12^th Day of Christmas, the traditional feast of the Epiphany.  At one point I was in conversation with four people, all of whom lamented that they still haven’t acted on their New Year’s resolutions.  I’m convinced that in order to strategize for a new year we first need to figure out what we learned in the previous year.  Only then can we determine how to embark on a new year.

My cocktail mates were intrigued when I shared this – and they were stumped as no one could say what they had learned last year.  I was a bit of a hypocrite, though, because I hadn’t thought about what I learned in 2014.  In prep for this column I’ve been mulling over what I learned in these last twelve months.  And since I can barely recall what I did last week, it’s been a challenge!

Granted, it really doesn’t matter to anyone except me what I learned, but I’m sharing here my “Top 10 Things I Learned In 2014” in the hope that it spurs you on with your own list.

In putting this together I was reminded that, “all real learning is relearning.”  While there’s nothing here that I didn’t know already, there is a lot I had forgotten about.  Perhaps the same is true for you.

1.     People have an immense capacity to surprise – stereotyping based on title or first impression is both easy and dangerous. 

2.     Snobbery is truly ugly – and grating.

3.     I can be my own worst enemy.  Ugh!

4.     Often times what is most obvious is most difficult to see – life can be much simpler than we make it out to be.

5.     Love can be easily lost – even between two people whose love you “knew” would last a lifetime.

6.     Opportunity comes from many unexpected places – so long as you keep an open and expectant mind.

7.     Desire is a mysterious force – saying you want something is not the same as actually craving it.

8.     Few things in life are sweeter than spending time with people who have known you for more years than you care to admit to in public – because they are the witnesses to your life.  And nothing is more sacred than spending time with a child (and not checking your cell phone).

9.     Life is harsh and unfair – and the only way to honor those who died way too soon is to live with joyful courage.

10.  Everyone loves a good story – the sure and ready connector of us all.

What about you?  What did you “relearn” in 2014 and how will it help you live an energetic 2015?

A Resolution To Be "Startled" in 2015

My thirteen-year-old godson Finn’s new fav word is “startled” and I have to admit that I’m feeling startled now that 2015 is in full swing!

Newscasters, bloggers and anyone with an opinion are all offering their various “Top 10” lists, while motivational gurus are prepping us on how to plan for 2015.  And, yes, I’m feeling the pressure to join in.

I spent last week toying with my own “Top 10 Ways To Make 2015 The Best Year Ever!” but eventually realized I had my focus out of whack.  I couldn’t suggest ways to plan for 2015 until I’d made sense of my own 2014.

Here’s the thing – before you plan for the future, you have to make sense of the past.  There’s no point in making New Year’s resolutions until you acknowledge the good of the previous year.  To that end, I’ve asked myself five questions:

1.     What did I learn in 2014? 

2.     Who inspired me? 

3.     What gave me pleasure? 

4.     What or who surprised me? 

5.     What am I grateful for?

Staring at these questions, I felt stumped as I realized that during the past year I hadn’t stopped enough times to take stock of where I was or where I was going.  It was all rushrushrush. 

Eventually, I did answer those five questions and, for what it’s worth, here are my answers:

In 2014 I learned to ask for what I want.  I was inspired by a young man who was willing to hit rock bottom before allowing himself to find true love.  I realized with a newfound sense that I enjoy giving keynote talks, not because I like to hear myself speak, but rather, because of the great conversations that take place afterwards with interesting people.  I was surprised by how I made a new friend who has opened unusual doors for me.  And lastly, I’m most especially grateful to a client whose generosity taught me how to respect myself more than I’ve been doing.

While each of these answers – and the insights grounding them – will guide me as I strategize for a new year, the question I lingered over was #3.  Pleasure.  As an unforgiving perfectionist I tend not to “waste” time on pleasure.  Yes – that’s a difficult admission!

For me, one of the great gifts of 2014 was speaking in October at the Titleist Performance Institute’s World Golf Summit.  It was one of the most perfect days of my life – ever.  And as a perfectionist, I never say that about anything.

I speak to many different groups throughout any given year – from non-profits to Fortune 500.  So why was this different?  What made this day “perfect”? 

This time last year Ricardo, a friend of mine who is a sports manager, told me that I needed to speak at The Summit and that he’d introduce me to the organizers.  I was skeptical.  I’d never heard of The Summit and, besides, sure, I play golf, but what could I say to a ballroom of professionals?  Old insecurities flared-up.

Did speaking at The Summit become one of my 2014 New Year’s resolutions?   Not really.  Last year, though, I decided that I wanted to expand the speaking side of my business.  I’ve had great success in coaching people how to speak, yet, for all my own enjoyment of presenting, I’ve never strategically focused on that side of my business.

Why?  Because I’ve believed those insidious tapes in my head – that other people have better things to say than I do; that I wouldn’t meet my perfectionistic standards; and that in some perverse way, I didn’t deserve an opportunity.  All lies that I willingly bought into.

Last year, though, I reached a place in my life where in my gut I knew it was inherently wrong for me not to pursue my long held love of speaking.  I knew that I needed to expand my speaking engagements because if I didn’t, I’d be disrespecting a core part of who I am.  Yet, despite my gut, I almost didn’t let Ricardo introduce me to the organizers––what’s the use?! Was my go-to mantra.

“The Art Of Coaching” was the theme of the conference and I was presenting on “How To Create Trust” in the coaching experience.  When I was seven years old I was hospitalized for four months with a heart condition that later prevented me from playing sports.  Although I outgrew the condition and have led a healthy, physical life, sports remains an arena where I feel unsure of myself.  And I never like feeling unsure.

I worried about this presentation more than I normally would – convinced that I had snagged an invite to speak through some kind of subterfuge.

But when I checked into the hotel something happened.  I walked into my room, plopped on the bed and simply decided I didn’t want to worry any more.  I decided that what I knew about “trust” was worth 45-minutes of a person’s time; that the “I’m a fraud” slogan had long out-served its usefulness; and that to worry would be disrespectful to me and to what I wanted to share in my talk. 

The half-sized ballroom was filled beyond what I had anticipated.  And while those old fears made one last attempt to choke my confidence, something again happened as I began my talk.  I didn’t feel like a fraud.  I felt connected, as a professional, to fellow professionals,  with all of us putting a premium on “trust.”

I spoke without the aid of PowerPoint and at one point, while walking up the main aisle, telling an outrageous story of how I learned from my mother not to trust people, with the ballroom laughing at every right place, I became aware that I was enjoying my time with these people.  I let myself relish the pleasure and didn’t try to suppress it as I normally would because, hey, pleasure and business don’t mix in the world of a perfectionist.

Later that night there was a get-together at a nearby bistro for all the presenters.  I met folks from the world of golf and sports who came to The Summit from far-flung corners of the world.  Laughter and conversation flowed even more freely than the beer. And so camaraderie took hold.  We were presenters – storytellers – people with unique perspectives who relished the pleasure that comes from genuine talk.

No one accused me of being a fraud – not even myself.  And, yeah, I was startled.  I was startled by the sheer pleasure of it all. 

The core truth of core truths is that once you see something, it’s hard to “un-see” it.

I’ve never made a resolution based in pleasure, but there is a first time for everything.

I resolve in 2015 to have more “Titleist moments” because that experience of pleasure allowed me to remember that life is worthy of my best.  And why would it be worthy of anything less?

So, what about you?  What are your answers to those five questions?  How can you give yourself a new-found respect and so offer life your best? 

Resolve in 2015 to do that which you’ve forbidden yourself to do and whose time has come.  Go ahead and let yourself be startled!