A Labor Day Challenge – Go Big! Go Bold!

Last week I popped into Gelson’s to pick-up a loaf of bread.  Walking by the bakery section, I spotted a bag of dinner rolls and also grabbed those.  The check-out clerk rang up the bread and rolls and then asked me, “For here or to go?”  Huh?  Confused, I said, “To go – don’t think I can eat all this bread in one sitting!”  He smilingly assured me, “The register prompted me to ask – I wouldn’t have on my own.  I’m not that crazy!”  Really?  Given that he “obeyed” the register when prompted to check if I was going to stay and eat a loaf of bread and six dinner rolls does make me wonder if he isn’t a teensy bit crazy!

Next day, I met with a group of managers at Pine Hill Industries (name changed) who were frustrated with inter-departmental communication.  At one point, a manager who’s been with the company twenty years, smiled and said, “Hey, it’s the ‘Pine Hill Way’ and there’s nothing we can do.”  Really?  You can’t develop effective methods? 

Once again I’m reminded of Thoreau’s observation: “There is nothing so rare as an act of your own.”

Last Labor Day, my friend Sue threw a party for folks she hadn’t seen in a while.  With drinks flowing, Ella, one of the guests, mentioned she recently did something she’d wanted to do for a long time and hadn’t allowed herself to do – she started playing guitar again.  And she loved it!

Soon, each of us was confessing to what we had wanted to do for a long time and had simply not gotten around to it.  That’s when we challenged each other – to commit to doing something we’ve put off doing for way too long.

I dubbed this the “Go Big!  Go Bold! Challenge” – and you didn’t have to have a bucket of cold water dumped on you!

A study at the Wharton School of Business found that people are more likely to pursue a goal after a major holiday (for reasons too abstruse to explain here).  Based on Sue’s party, I think Wharton is right, so why not use this Labor Day to create your own “Go Big! Go Bold!” Challenge?

Get together with friends, family and/or colleagues and confess – what have you wanted to do for way too long and have been putting off?  In your own life, in your relationship with your “tootsie-wootsie” or even with your team, or department?

Define your own life.  For as long as you leave your life in the hands of other people (or cash registers or company mottos), you'll never truly live your own life.

Have a dinner roll and dare yourself:  Go Big!  Go Bold!

Thoughts Stirred By Robin Williams' Suicide

Like many of you, I’ve been thinking about Robin Williams and his death has challenged me to reflect on depression and suicide.

Executive coach Richard Leider believes “There are three hungers that people are trying to feed throughout their lives. The first is to connect deeply with the creative spirit of life. The second is to know and express your gifts and talents. The third is to know that our lives matter. Fulfillment comes from feeding these three hungers.”

When I came across this quote two years ago, my knee jerk reaction was to ask myself how deeply am I connected to my creative spirit; how satisfied am I with how I express my gifts; and do I believe that my life matters?

But then I started asking myself harder questions: “Am I aware of feeling hungry or have my senses been numbed?  Do I value my gifts or do I disparage them?  Do I allow myself to feel the weight of people’s care or do I brush off love?”

At the risk of venturing into “TMI” territory, I’ll admit that for much of my adult life I’ve lived and wrestled with clinical depression.  I’ve been fortunate to have a support system, professional and personal, that has bolstered me so that not only can I function, but also I can succeed in so many facets of life.

When people ask me about depression it’s frustrating to explain because almost any explanation can easily sound like self-pitying. 

Perhaps the best way to describe my experience of depression is that it blurs my vision.  I’m not able to recognize what’s in front of me—love, opportunity, gifts, reasons for hope and excitement.  It brings about distortions so that when I say I struggle with depression what I mean is that I struggle with righting a distorted view of life.  Yes, there’s often been a physical struggle to muster energy, but more than that it’s about being able to draw a sense of urgency and commitment from the bounty surrounding me.

Depression essentially makes harder the struggle to mindfully engage Leider’s Three Hungers. 

Occasionally I meet someone who lives life in a way that daily satisfies these hungers.  Yet, I meet so many others who are unable to name their hunger and understand why it makes them restless.  Others know the origins of their hunger but feel hopeless, lacking the “recipe” that will satiate their hunger.  And for others, they simply satisfy their hungers with “junk food” and so become dull.

Depressed or not, the Three Hungers challenge us all.

What about you?  How hungry are you?  How do you satisfy your hunger?  How do you help “feed” the hungry in your life?

The So–Called Randomness Of Life

Driving south on the 101, just before I got to the 110, I passed a building I never noticed before.  Spray-painted on the side: “You deserve the right kind of love.”  I felt comforted, but wondered, “what is the right kind of love?  Is the right kind different for me than for others?”

Later that day, I met with Rita and Peter (names changed) who are getting married next year at a 5-star resort. Rita’s parents are divorced and her father is footing the entire bill. Only catch—if she invites her mother, he won’t pay for the wedding.

Rita wants a wedding that will blow people away but since her father is paying for it all, what can she do? Her father has put her in a seemingly hopeless situation. So, she’s caved and isn’t inviting her mother who lives in Florida.  She’ll have a vow renewal down there sometime after her honeymoon.

Actually, though, Rita’s dad hasn’t put her in a hopeless position. Rita has a choice and she’s chosen to compromise. So as to lessen her guilt, she’s chosen to believe she’s caught in a hopeless predicament.

A couple of days later, while waiting for a haircut, I glanced through an Esquire Magazine interview with the actor Tom Hardy (Dark Knight Rises and scores of films).  The guy stunned me with this quote:  “I have always been frightened with men, to the point where I couldn’t go into a gym because of the testosterone, and I felt weak.  I don’t feel very manly.  I don’t feel rugged and strong and capable in real life, not how I imagine a man ought to be.  So I seek it, to mimic it and maybe understand it, or maybe to draw it into my own reality.  People who are scary, they terrify me, but I can imitate them.  I can stay terrified, or I can imitate what terrifies me.” 

Then, while procrastinating writing this column by cleaning my desk, I found this quote scribbled on a post-it: “95% of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies and we can suffer because we believe all these lies.”  (Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements)

Reflecting on the week’s random moments, I’m now wondering if the “right” kind of love we deserve is the love that allows us to not drive ourselves nuts with self-imposed expectations!  A love “right” enough that we can face down the fear that we’ll be harshly judged if we don’t meet those expectations.

Maybe the right kind of love (for self and others) is the love we take responsibility for.

Deserving the right kind of love means we stop feeling helpless.

National Friendship Day

Sunday, August 3^rd, is National Friendship Day.  I suspect it’ll come as no surprise to learn that Hallmark Cards established the holiday – back in 1919! Enthusiasm for the day waned and by the start of WWII it had faded away.  Then, in 1998, the United Nations named Winnie The Pooh the world’s “Ambassador of Friendship” and so Friendship Day was revived.

I wrestled with writing a post on “friendship”, but thought – what could I say in 450 words that Winnie The Pooh hasn’t already said?!

Then I came across an article by Dr. Sanjay Gupta, in which he writes: “According to estimates by University of Chicago psychology professor John T. Cacioppo, PhD, coauthor of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, at any given time at least one in five people, or roughly 60 million Americans, suffers from loneliness. By this I mean both the acute bouts of melancholy we all feel from time to time, as well as a chronic lack of intimacy—a yearning for someone to truly know you, get you, see you.”

Refusing to believe the statistic – 60 million lonely people – I dismissed the article.  But then it came back to bite me in an unexpected way!

Last week, Madge, a friend of mine, had surgery.  I hadn’t seen her in a while and wanted to visit before the operation.  I said I’d pop in on Tuesday.  Well, things got busy and I couldn’t make it, so I assured her that I’d stop by the next day (surgery was slated for Thursday).  Wednesday was just as hectic BUT I knew I had to visit Madge.  On the way to the hospital I realized I was feeling – annoyed?  Anxious?  I felt out of sorts that I had to squeeze in a hospital visit on top of everything else I had to do.  I was embarrassed.  How could I feel this way since Madge was a friend?

It was a great visit and within minutes I’d forgotten all the “stuff” I was worried about.  Later, I thought on that “60 million lonely people” statistic.  The simple truth is that many of us are lonely because many of us have forgotten what it is to prioritize “friendship”.

This past week I realized that maybe National Friendship Day is actually any day we stop the nonsense of saying “I’m too busy” and simply “find” or “make” time to mindfully luxuriate in the company of a friend.

And at the risk of being totally schmaltzy, I’ll let Winnie the Pooh have the final word: “You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

Speaking Mistakes That Turn Off An Audience From Your Great Ideas

When not giving seminars on interpersonal communication skills, I’m officiating non-denominational wedding ceremonies. (Long story for another kind of post!) Recently, I attended a networking event for wedding professionals. Jack (name changed), the keynote speaker, was introducing a new website aimed at the Millennial bridal market.

Within minutes of Jack’s talking I began to wonder – does this guy know who we are?

Because I coach nervous professionals in how to present themselves in smart, strategic ways, I’m used to dealing with jittery neophytes. However, it’s been a long time since I attended a presentation offered by a supposed seasoned pro who truly “bombed.”

It’s happened to the best of us. It happened that night to Jack. However, in reflecting on his talk, I was most struck by how thorough he was in making the most basic of speaking mistakes. And Jack reminded me why those mistakes are so basic.

So here are the 12 Most basic speaking blunders that will turn off an audience from your great ideas:

Continue reading

A Mid-Year Check-in

July is almost over and so we’re halfway through 2014.  Soon Hallmark Card stores will be premiering their line of Christmas ornaments!  I thought of offering in this posting a review of the ten most important lessons I learned in 2013 with an eye on evaluating how they might help me navigate the rest of 2014.  However, as I reviewed my list, I realized there is really only one great lesson that I (and you) need to keep in mind through the remainder of this year.

And that tip?  Simply this: “NO” doesn’t have to be the final answer.  Rejection doesn’t equate to the decimation of ideas, plans or dreams.

Throughout this year, I’ve been privy to the struggles of folks who have steadily plodded on until they reached their goals – even if, when reached, those goals looked differently from what they’d originally imagined.

Pat (name changed) is a comedy writer who came to LA from NYC with a TV writing gig.  And, yep, within just months, the show folded and he was out of work and luck.  It was an unnerving time for him and his family.  Do they return or not return to NYC?  Does he stick with comedy or play it safe?  Pat had to face the reality that maybe he wouldn’t earn a living from writing funny words. 

Pat decided to live his life “as if” he was employed as a comedy writer.  He set-up a schedule and committed to writing a certain number of jokes per day.  He went on the rubber chicken circuit and submitted unsolicited jokes to late night shows.  He brought schmoozing to a whole new level.  And he did all this in the face of bone-crushing doubt. 

Today, you may very well be laughing at his late night jokes as he’s on staff with one of the shows.

My friend Melissa just signed a contract with a major publisher.  Her first book will be released April 2015.  Hers has been a journey of more than twelve years.  Twelve years of self-doubt, rejections and being faithful to the writing task.

A now client of mine contacted me several months ago.  Among other things, she wanted to hire me for her company’s annual retreat; however, I was booked that weekend.  Last week she called again, wondering if by chance my weekend had opened up.  Turns out, it had freed up as previous clients canceled their event. 

Each of these people encountered “no’s” that had the ring of finality to them.  Yet, each person decided that “No” would not be the ultimate arbiter of reality.

What are your plans and goals for the second half of 2014?  

What are you going to do with them?

Speaking Your Mind – Part 2

In the previous posting, I told the story of Moira, a bride frustrated with her passive-aggressive mom and equally frustrated with her own inability to confront her.  Here’s the strategy I laid out for Moira, so as to be assertive and draw boundaries.

I suggested she first reassure her mother that she was happy she’s interested in the wedding and wants it to be a perfect day. She also needed to reaffirm that when they disagreed, it was not a rejection of her support.

Once Moira reassured her mother that this whole planning process wasn’t a referendum on their love, she moved on to a discussion of the dress and the bridesmaids (source of the most recent argument).

I suggested a script like this:

“I love my wedding dress. I know it’s not the one you liked. It is, though, the one I love and I’m glad you were there when I found it. I’m sorry things got out of hand with the girls.  They didn’t mean to hurt you. I think you know that, too.  They want to speak with you and I hope you let them explain what happened. I’m not getting into the middle of this, though, and I don’t want you to give me ultimatums. I feel that you’re pressuring me to take sides and to punish good friends for what is just a misunderstanding. I don’t want this dress to remind me of something that grew way ugly and way out of proportion. I know you don’t want that, either.”

Although Moira resisted, I urged her to give it a try—it’s not like her mother was going to be more reasonable using any of the old tactics.

Moira reassured her mother that she appreciated everything she was doing and explained that rejecting her suggestions wasn’t a rejection of her. That helped to calm her mother’s insecurities.

However, Moira’s conversation about the dress didn’t go as well. Within a week, though, Moira’s mother realized she wasn’t going to get any traction from harping about the incident.  Eventually, Moira’s mom and the bridesmaids had their talk and she got her apology.

As the wedding drew closer, Moira’s mom tried to stir up more drama but by then Moira felt confident speaking directly to her.  By the time Moira walked down the aisle, she and her mother had laid the groundwork for a healthier way of talking with each other.

And Zach, Moira’s husband, was a relieved man!

Remember: having a hard conversation is hard because we’re not used to this “dance step.” However, no good can come from shouting, shutting down, or manipulating someone we claim to care about. With understanding comes clarity, the bedrock for resolution and healing!

Speaking Your Mind – gulp! Being Assertive

In my last three postings, I’ve highlighted the most common ways in which people deal with conflict.  This week I look at the fourth (and least understood) “dance step”.  Again, this story comes from my experience officiating weddings.

By the time I met with Moira (name changed), she was beyond distressed. The problem was her mother, who criticized almost every choice she’d made in the wedding planning. Moira’s mother expressed her disappointment with tears, tantrums and long silences.

The proverbial final straw was when Moira, her four bridesmaids and her mother went gown shopping. Everyone except her mom fell in love with “the” dress. Apparently, the bridesmaids teased her mom for not supporting Moira in her choice. Later, Moira’s mom broke down sobbing, accusing the bridesmaids of being disrespectful.

She demanded that Moira force her friends to apologize and if they didn’t, she wanted Moira to un-invite them as bridesmaids. Moira refused.  Tears, accusations, and all the stuff of emotional blackmail ensued.

Eventually, her mother admitted that, most likely, the women hadn’t intended to be rude and she may have misinterpreted what they said. Still, she wanted Moira to demand that they apologize.

At the time we met, things were frosty between Moira and her mother. Moira didn’t care if she came to the wedding or not. But, of course, she cared—why else would she cry when she said she didn’t care?

She told me that this was how things went between her and her mother. They argued; didn’t talk; and then got back together—without ever resolving what first led them into not talking. Theirs had been a dance that alternated between being passive and passive-aggressive.

There is, though, one other dance step and that’s to be assertive. You’re assertive when you decide to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs to a person in a clear and respectful way without playing games.

Of all the dance steps, this is the one that most people are unfamiliar with. Yet, it’s the one technique that has the greatest chance of reducing stress and increasing your chances of getting heard.

I suggested to Moira that she have two different conversations with her mother. The first conversation needed to be about the general pattern with which her mother dealt with their disagreements. They had to talk about her emotional blackmail, i.e. unfair demands followed by teary tantrums. Only then could they have the second conversation, which was about the wedding dress incident.

Oftentimes people are difficult because they don’t think they’re appreciated. Most likely, some of that was going on with Moira’s mother.  In my next posting I'll explain how Moira prepared for the conversation with her mom and how it all turned out!

"Driving You Nuts is So Much Fun!"

This week, in my ongoing series on conflict styles, we look at the “delicious” ways of being passive-aggressive.

Rhonda and Bill (names changed) were planning their wedding without the help of a coordinator. Although Rhonda’s job required her to travel several weeks a month, she felt up to the task of having a DIY wedding. Bill worked local and said he was willing to do whatever she wanted, though he thought she was obsessive with her detailed lists. He never actually completed a list, shrugging it off saying, “It’ll all be fine.”

I had a final meeting with them a little more than a month before the wedding. Rhonda looked stressed and exhausted, while Bill seemed uncomfortable. Rhonda was going to be out of town for the next week and a half and pleaded with me, “How do I get him to do what’s on the lists?  If he doesn’t do this stuff it isn’t going to get done?”

Bill promised he’d get everything done. “Why should I believe you?” she snapped. “You say you’re going to get it done and you never do. Do you even want to get married?”

Bill finally shot back, “Maybe if you didn’t treat me like an idiot, I’d pay more attention to what you want me to do!” He turned to me and in a mixture of sarcasm and resignation said, “If I didn’t tune her out, I’d lose my mind.”

Bill was classic passive-aggressive in that he had strong feelings of resentment and anger and was unwilling to express those feelings in an honest way.  He felt put upon by Rhonda and instead of having an honest conversation with her, he’d simply “forget” to do things. Any time Rhonda panicked, he’d accuse her of not trusting him and getting upset over “nothing.”

You choose to be passive-aggressive when you decide that your partner needs to be punished for hurting you and part of the punishment is that they’re not going to know you’re punishing them!

Two other classic passive-aggressive techniques are giving the “silent treatment” and withholding.  In the “silent treatment” you stop talking to the person and then, when some time has passed and your partner asks, “Is anything wrong?” you look surprised and say, “No. Why would you think that?”  In the withholding technique, your partner wants something and you deny it to them. She wants you to go somewhere and you say you’re tired. Here’s where the all time classic line comes into play: “No, not tonight. I have a headache”!

Is being passive-aggressive your preferred style for dealing with conflict?  Do you like seeing what it does to your partner? If so, why do enjoy punishing the person?!

"I'M NOT YELLING – YOU ARE!"

In my last post I looked at the conflict “dance step” of being passive.  This week, the dance step is that of being aggressive.

True story

Ten days before Andy and Sara’s wedding (names changed), their event planner called and asked if I’d meet with them at their home. Things were in meltdown mode. I’d finalized their ceremony more than a month before. It was a brief meeting and while they were stressed, they seemed no more so than most couples. Now, though, I could feel the tension when I walked into their house.

When we sat down, I smiled and simply asked, “What’s up?” Silence. Anger creased their faces. I asked Sara what had happened. She began talking about Andy as though he weren’t in the room. It was hard to follow what she was saying, but it soon became a litany of what he’d done wrong.

Suddenly, Andy exploded, “SHUT UP! I’M SICK OF YOUR LIES!” And, yes, I was now worried since he was bigger than I am and looked like he’d mentally snapped. They launched into a yelling match, totally ignoring me. I’ll admit that I was mesmerized since it was like I’d been transported to the set of a reality show!

But then I came to my senses and tried to intervene. Being polite and officiant-like wasn’t going to do the job, so I tapped into my New York voice and shouted, “YO!” They turned and looked at me seeming almost confused as to what I was doing in their home. Sara quickly looked embarrassed, while Andy just steamed.

What had gone so wrong between them? Well, they had an infant (unplanned). They were building a home. They had unresolved and non-discussed money issues. They had no time to talk, just time to argue and lash out.  Their jumbled, poorly expressed emotions left them exhausted as they crawled to what they called the “finish line” of their wedding planning. It sounded, though, more like the finish line of their relationship.

Because they weren’t skilled at talking with each other; because they avoided the tough and messy issues; because they were overwhelmed by their intense feelings, all they could do was scream, accuse and belittle each other.   

Do you enjoy yelling at your partner?  Do you enjoy putting your partner down in front of other people?  Do you regularly say, “I hate you!” to your partner?  If you answered “yes” to these questions, then classic aggressive behavior is your preferred way of dealing with conflict.

Yelling, humiliating and hating are clear indicators that your relationship needs professional care and attention. Screaming, belittling and accusing are not the ways in which you protect and keep each other safe – personally or professionally.

"Don't Rock The Boat!"

In my last post, I told the story of how we all develop “dance steps” for dealing with conflict.  Here I introduce the first of four common “steps” – Being Passive.

Robbie’s father had never approved of his fiancée Nina (names changed), as no one was good enough for his son. When they were dating, Robbie’s father was barely civil to Nina, but Robbie shrugged it off with, “that’s just dad being dad.” Once they began planning for their wedding, Robbie’s father made demands on Nina, disapproving many of her decisions. Again, Robbie shrugged it off with, “that’s just how he is.” Nina kept her feelings bottled up because she didn’t want to disrespect her future father-in-law.

Three months before the wedding I met with them and within minutes Nina broke down. She could no longer deal with Robbie’s father. Robbie was surprised, as he didn’t know things had gotten to this point.

Turns out, while growing up, Robbie learned to deal with his father’s tantrums by simply shrugging him off and not confronting him. In the face of his father’s overbearing ways, Robbie learned to “vanish.”

Nina, who is Indian, was taught that women should not question what a man says as a woman must know “her place.” She learned not to cause waves in the face of conflict. 

As we talked, Robbie realized he could no longer leave Nina to deal with his father alone. The old ways, the old dance steps, of handling his father no longer worked. After our meeting, they had a long talk and strategized how to contain Robbie’s father and protect themselves during the final stages of planning.

By the time of their wedding, boundaries were in place and Robbie’s father haltingly was learning to treat Nina with a new found respect.

Initially, Robbie and Nina embodied a passive approach to Robbie’s dad. They avoided dealing with him in a way that would have let him know what they were thinking and feeling. They crossed their fingers, closed their eyes and simply hoped it would all turn out for the best! However, it wouldn’t until they told Robbie’s dad what they wanted from him.

Consider these questions: do you prefer to be passive when dealing with difficult situations?  If so, from whom did you learn this pattern?  Does it allow you and your partner to effectively resolve what needs resolving?

Remember: we train people how to treat us. If you endure a person’s troubling behavior, choosing to do nothing, then they will not change. They don’t know that you’re suffering and your silence gives them no incentive to change.

Being passive let’s you escape pain – it never resolves the cause of the pain.

The Dance Steps Of Conflict

Two weeks before her wedding, Kelly (name changed) called me—upset. The night before, she and her fiancé, Jeff, had a fight. At the end of the argument, he snapped: “You think you know everything about me, but you don’t.”

I now think she’s calling to tell me that she’s canceling the wedding. Instead, she asks: “Do you think this is a red flag?” Red flag? No, this is a RED CURTAIN!

I asked if she was curious as to what he’d meant when he said she didn’t know “everything” about him. Kelly told me that Jeff often vented and yelled, but that he didn’t mean anything by it. I was still curious since if he doesn’t mean anything by it, why does he yell? She had no answer.

A few days later, Kelly called to tell me that all was fine and back to “normal.” No, Jeff hadn’t apologized and, no, she still hadn’t asked him what he meant by that cryptic, snarling statement. She decided to let the pattern of their arguing remain in place despite the stress it continually caused her.

Kelly had talked herself into believing that there was nothing wrong with this dynamic. “It’s just how he is,” was her mantra. Besides, she was worried that if she confronted him, she’d hurt his feelings. She didn’t want to antagonize the situation by asking him to explain himself, as she “knew” he loved her. 

Fear of confrontation. Fear of conflict. These are fears shared by many of us and Kelly was no different. But it’s essential to understand that conflict is a natural part of every relationship. Odd as it may sound, you can’t have a healthy relationship without conflict.

Over time, you and your partner have developed ways to deal with uncomfortable situations, conversations, and conflict. I call these “dance steps” and you’ve developed them without much conscious thought. The question is: do these dance steps let you and your partner get what you need in a way that’s honest and healthy?

Here are some questions to get you thinking about your relationship to conflict:  What do you enjoy about conflict?  Not enjoy?  Do you know what your partner (personal or professional) enjoys or doesn’t enjoy about conflict?  What would you like to see more of when you and your partner have a difficult conversation?  What would you like to see less of?

There are four “dances” you can do with your partner in an argument.  You can be passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or, you can be assertive. In upcoming posts, I’ll explain each dance step and invite you to consider how you can become a more healthy and strategic partner in a conflict.

Lessons Learned From a 13-Year-Old

Funny what we remember.  I was a high school freshman visiting my grandmother.  She hugged me and whispered, “You’ll never know how much I love you.”  I wriggled free, mumbled that I loved her and then asked if I could borrow $20.00!  I recently recalled that moment when I realized that on May 29^th my “buddy” Finn turns thirteen.

I’ve had many unexpected things happen in my life but Finn could very well be the most unexpected.  One night his dad called in desperate need of a babysitter and I agreed.  I had a blast and soon became Finn’s official babysitter.  Finn is one of the best things to ever happen to me – for so many reasons.

He’s taught me to be observant.  Seriously, I’ve never known anyone who’s found more money on the street than he has!  And then there were the times we’d go to a parrot shop and he’d be perfectly still while watching a bird.  The parrot and Finn would size each other up and I was convinced they were telepathically communicating with each other.

To look.  To see.  To pay attention to the ordinary – because there you will find the extra-ordinary.

He’s taught me to take risks.  Yes, sometimes he’d fall, hit his head and shed some tears.  But then he’d race off to another adventure.  He reminds me that hitting your head is part of taking a risk; it’s not a reason to stop taking risks and exploring.

Although I teach and coach, I’m not someone who likes to answer questions.  I prefer to ask the questions!  With Finn, his questions – about so many things – force me to think in ways I’m not accustomed.  He’s taught me that the word “because” is not a real answer.

I’m something of a snob.  I prefer to hang out with people who are creative and can turn what is routine into something different.  Children have that wonderful ability and time spent with Finn has never been routine.  He’s shown me that even a trip to Gelson’s can become an adventure.

I work with professionals who are wonderfully competent at what they do, yet, over time, they’ve grown creatively constipated, slow to laugh, and woefully un-curious.  As odd as it may sound, I think I’m able to help these folks, in part, because of Finn.  He reminds me that the secrets to leading a successful life are learned early in life.

Because I’ve taught high school I know that the teen years are an adventure unlike any other.  OMG!  And so my birthday wish for Finn is that he’ll continue to learn by encountering life head-on, with a full embrace. And, actually, that’s my wish for all my clients.

How "Real" Is Your World?

I received an email from Gwen, a former client, whose husband is battling cancer: “Chris is doing as well as can be expected –Cancer sucks. We’ve been maneuvering our way through the subculture of the very sick and we’re doing okay.  It’s interesting how many subcultures exist in the world and go unseen until circumstances just plop a person right in the middle of a new world.”

I was struck by Gwen’s observation on the “sub-cultures” we’re unaware of.  I actually think there really is no such thing as “the” real world.  Whatever world you’re in is the “real” world for you. The trick is to be able to navigate with ease and success through several different “real” worlds.

I learned this from my college mentor, Marguerite Young who wrote, “Miss MacIntosh, My Darling”, (fifth longest novel written in English).  I met her when she was recuperating from cancer surgery.  In our first conversation, she told me that she never wore the same clothes twice.  She decided that if she masterfully disguised herself then maybe Death wouldn’t recognize her.  For a boy who had grown up in a sheltered, Irish Catholic family, this was a head-spinning concept! 

Marguerite taught me not only to not be afraid of people different from me, she taught me to actively seek out people different from me.  I was inspired by her advice years later when I taught a public speaking class at LMU.

For one assignment, I divided the class into groups of four.  Each group had to share a meal and the catch was that they had to prepare the meal as a group – they couldn’t go to a restaurant or order out.  They had to spend two hours together and couldn’t have any electronic distractions, i.e. no cell phone, TV, radio, etc.  Also, everyone had to tell a true story about themselves.

Most students were annoyed, whining that they didn’t have time to eat with a bunch of strangers and besides, what did eating have to do with speaking in public?

When the groups shared their experiences, though, the overwhelming majority couldn’t believe how eye-opening the meal had been.  Through conversation, strangers realized that they had more in common than they thought.  “Sub-cultures” had been shared and through the sharing people seemed less “strange.”  Because people were no longer strangers, students felt more comfortable speaking. 

Next month I’m offering a workshop on “Acting Techniques For Business Professionals.”  A weekly assignment will require participants to speak to someone at work they don’t know well and learn what they can about the person.

The truth is – our world is only as narrow as we make it.   How many “real” worlds are you a part of?!

NEW WORKSHOP! "Acting Techniques For Business Professionals"

ANNOUNCING NEW 4 WEEK WORKSHOP

“Acting Techniques For Business Professionals”

Effective communication is not only about what you say, it’s about how you say it. 

80% of what people respond to is the non-verbal dimensions of how you’re communicating – posture, facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, inflection.

I often tell my workshop participants that they next need to take an acting class – even though I’ve never known of a class to recommend.

But now I do!

I’m teaming up with Stacy Edwards, an award-winning actor and acting coach, to present an intense 4 week workshop that will push your comfort zone (that’s a promise!) as you learn techniques to demonstrate the kind of confidence that’s needed when dealing with difficult colleagues and clients, when presenting new ideas and projects, or when leading a team through grueling deadlines.

You will become MORE:

·      Quick thinking on your feet

·      Accurate when reading non-verbal signals

·      At ease with people different from you

·      Strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you

·      Aware of the emotions underlying stressful situations

·      Creative in managing difficult behavior

·      Confident when making a presentation

·      Non-verbally assertive

·      Relaxed, expressive and open as you go about your business

Because you’re already good at what you do, this workshop can help you break through to the next point of confidence so you can present more clearly the best of who you are at work and in your personal life.

DETAILS

LIMITED TO JUST 10 PARTICIPANTS

DATES:  Mondays – June 2, 9, 16, 23

TIME:     7:00pm – 10:00pm

LOCATION:     4444 Lankershim Blvd, Toluca Lake, CA 91602 

(corner of Riverside Dr. and Lankershim Blvd.)

COST:  $350  (check or Paypal)

Questions?  Email me at:  jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com  OR, hey, give me a call at: 818-415-8115

This is going to be a dynamic, fun, skill-sharpening experience and I’m excited to be co-offering this with Stacy Edwards

Stacy Edwards started her acting career in Chicago theater.  She went on to star in Neil Labute's controversial, “In The Company of Men”, a role for which she earned her first Spirit Award nomination and for which she received the “best actress” award at Italy’s International Taomina film festival.  Stacy has worked with some of Hollywood’s most respected directors, including Mike Nichols (Primary Colors), Greg Mattola (Superbad) and Sofia Coppola (Bling Ring).  As a series regular, she played Dr Lisa Catera on “Chicago Hope” and has guest-starred on many of TV’s hit dramas including CSI, The Mentalist, Grey's Anatomy and Hawaii Five-O.  In addition, Stacy conducts workshops for actors based on the Meisner Technique as well as offer private coaching.