How To "Like" Other People

 

My whole life changed when I decided not just what I’d like to do, but when I decided who I was committed to being and having in my life.

Tony Robbins

Last year Holly (name changed) took a workshop from me on “dealing with difficult people”.  At the end of the day she confided that the big take-away was that she is a difficult person – not her clients.  With remarkable candor she confessed that she doesn’t like people.  What made Holly’s revelation surprising is that she’s a psychotherapist in private practice.

She explained that she’s fine for the fifty-minutes insurance pays for, but it’s the few minutes prior and after the session that she dislikes.  She asked if I could teach her to “like” people.  Given that she’s a therapist, this was one of the oddest requests ever asked of me!  However, because of my own family story, it was easy for me to empathize with Holly as she tried to make sense of her impatience with and dislike of people.

Both my grandfathers were dead by the time I was born. My paternal grandmother, who was the great love of my childhood, was a prison guard for thirty-five years.  My maternal grandmother was such a miserable creature that not even her own cat would sit on her lap!  Neither grandmother had any friends. 

My parents were fun, funny people who had no friends because people were not to be trusted.  My brother and I weren’t even allowed to go trick-or-treating as my parents viewed it as a form of “begging.”

Although my parents and grandmothers didn’t have any friends, they all loved to sit on park benches or by a window and just watch people.  They enjoyed imagining what kind of lives people lived (most were deemed unhappy).

As a child I learned about people from a distance and from that distance I longed for the chance to like people.  Because I spent most of my childhood on a park bench, I could have grown up to become a hermit or a people-loathing therapist!  Instead, I traveled the world, embraced adventure, entered ministry, and became a teacher, coach and speaker.

I’m fascinated with people and, yet, in my communication coaching I’ve encountered scores of individuals like Holly who claim to not be interested in people. 

I wasn’t able to give Holly a tip-sheet on “6 Easy Steps To Liking People.”  While I could tell her why she should like people (success in life = the people you meet + what you create together – thank you Keith Ferrazzi), I couldn’t tell her how to like them. 

In our coaching sessions I worked to help Holly develop a curiosity for people since curiosity is at the heart of liking.  I gave her a list of questions that I hoped would serve as a “whack on the head” to help her clarify her feelings of dislike.  Here are my: Top Ten Questions To Generate Curiosity For People.  

1.     Why don’t you like people?  And since your first answer is just the superficial reason, what is the real reason?  Which is another way of asking, what are you afraid of? 

2.     What is the best conversation you ever had with a stranger?

3.     What makes a person boring for you?

4.     What makes you boring to people?

5.     Do you want people to like you? 

6.     Do you have anything to give to people that would benefit them?

7.     In what ways is your life richer for “excluding” people? (yes, trick question)

8.     Who was the kindest person to you?

9.     Who was the nastiest?

10. Who knew you the best – the kindest or the nastiest?

As a therapist, Holly was intrigued with my questions and as “Holly” she was resistant to them.  Through our coaching sessions, Holly realized that she didn’t like people because she thought they wouldn’t like her – the non-professional “Holly.”

In one telling, throwaway line, Holly mentioned that her mother used to tell her that she was “an uninteresting girl.”  Holly’s fear was that outside a professional setting, people wouldn’t find her interesting and because of that belief Holly pushes people away before they can push her away.

As Holly made her way through the questions, it became clear to both of us that she had an old-fashioned superiority complex and that’s why she erupted into condescending fits with people.  Fear made her a harsh judge and judging gave her safety.  But, it was a “safe” place that prevented her from being truly interested in people because if you believe you’re better than most everyone else why would you be interested in them? 

Sadly, in the end, Holly admitted she was content not liking people.  While this was a stunning admission for a therapist to make, as with many people, fear won out.  Although she was paid to hear people’s stories she was afraid to see her story in theirs and so see her worth. 

Here’s the thing – although I wasn’t able to tell Holly how she could like people, I can tell you that if you want to become more fully “you” then you have to want to know more about people. 

You have to stand with your shoes off in the presence of the whack-a-do mystery of other people.  You have to risk finding shards of your story in their story.  You have to become curious.  And when you become curious then you will find the boy on a park bench sitting alongside a not uninteresting girl.  It’s the only way you can ever really hope to “like” people.

"Complaining" vs. "Criticizing"

photo: callawaygable.com

The other day I met with Jen, a bride who’s frustrated with her fiancé Jack’s lack of involvement in the planning of their 2015 wedding.  As I listened to her, I began to tune her out because her “concerns” were basically a litany of criticisms.  She was so shrill that I wondered why she was marrying Jack if he was such a lazy lout. When I asked her that exact question, she stared at me, puzzled that I’d doubt her choice of a husband. 

Jen claimed that she loved Jack and then proceeded to recite another litany – of all the good he does.  He sounded entirely different from the fiancé she’d been criticizing!  She was caught off guard when I pointed this out and shocked when I told her that I’d been ready to end the meeting, as I couldn't listen to her criticisms. 

All I could think was – if I had a hard time listening to her, what must it be like for Jack?!

Tara Parker-Pope, blogger for The New York Times “Well” section, offers what I think is a critical insight into what makes for a “successful” argument.

Her research on marriage shows that one of the main differences between a “good fight” and a “bad fight” is whether a person begins with a complaint or a criticism. For example, "I wish you went with me to see more vendors" is a complaint as opposed to "You never show any interest in planning the ceremony. What's wrong with you?" which is a criticism.

Which of those two do you think is harsher? Read the sentences again and pay attention to the choice of words. Imagine how you would say each sentence to your partner.

In the first sentence you’re “complaining”—meaning you’re letting your partner know how you feel as a result of their disappointing behavior.

In the second sentence, you’re “criticizing”—meaning you’re attacking your partner and so he or she has only two choices—shut down or lash out.

The first sentence begins with “I” and the second sentence begins with “you.” In the first, you’re taking responsibility for how you’re feeling, while in the second you’re nastily attacking.

Think back on your last argument with your spouse or someone with whom you have an ongoing relationship—did it begin with one of you criticizing the other? Were you upset more with what your partner said or with how he or she said it?

Remember: the goal of communicating is to get understood. Criticize and the other person will shut down. Complain, in the right tone of voice at the right time, and, if they’re honest, the other person will be more receptive to listening to you.

"Choosing" To Grow Old

Last week I presented at a breakfast meeting for an association of folks in the events industry.  Before my talk I was mingling and happened into a conversation just as a woman disgustedly exclaimed, “it’s true, youth is wanted on the young.”  I then was quickly sucked into a conversation on “growing old.”  Of the four people in the group, the oldest was probably no more than forty! One of the men said that when he got old, he wanted to be like his favorite uncle who, at the age of eight-three, was still flying a plane.

On the drive home I got to thinking – is youth wasted on the young?  Well, yeah, there are SO many things I wish I could have told myself when I was in my twenties or I wish someone else had told me.  But, really, how could I have known then what I know today?

“Youth” isn’t wasted on the young because youth is prime time for learning how to live – learning how to live from a place of silliness and fun, stupidity and failure, dreams and adventures.  Youth is about not playing it safe – at least for a brief while.

The great English theologian, John Henry Newman, maintained that, "To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often."  Youth most especially is a time to learn how to practice the art and skill of “change.”

When people fixate on “growing old” I think it’s a sign that what’s really happening is that they’re not changing.  It’s because they’re stagnating that they’re feeling old; if they were “growing” old, they wouldn’t be feeling “old.”

It was the Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw who said that “youth is wasted on the young,” but he also said, “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

The truth is there’s no creating life without hoping.  In his book, “Making Hope Happen,” Shane Lopez claims that hopeful people share two common beliefs – that the future will be better than the present and that we have the power to make it so, though there will be obstacles.

Much like Shaw, Lopez maintains that when we choose hope (it is a choice) we define what matters most to our own self.

At the core of the book is this challenge: “Five years from now, what do you want your life to look like?”

That question implies that we do grow older and that all along the way we choose how we’re going to “grow”.  That eighty-three year old pilot is flying today because of choices he made decades ago.

What about you – what do you hope for your life five years from now?

Unfair Labels

“Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true.”

Brian Tracy

I’m not sure how many books I’ve read in my life, but I know it’s been a lot.  Of all the books I’ve read, my favorite title is “The Mad Woman’s Underclothes,” a little- remembered Germaine Greer book of essays.  It also contains one of my favorite sentences ever: “It is the quality of daily life that matters most.”

What makes for the quality of daily life?  Well, it can easily be argued – good food, good drink, good friends.  And to that I’d like to add, “good words.”  My work is grounded in the conviction that the quality of our life is in direct proportion to the quality of the communication in our life.  And while much of my work is focused on helping folks learn how to communicate with others in smart, healthy ways, I recently was reminded that how we communicate with our own individual self is just as important. 

Ned is a new client who hired me because he realizes that if he wants to advance in his field, he needs to hone his interpersonal skills.  In our first meeting, Ned told me that he wants to become more confident.  By session’s end, though, I was confused because he enthusiastically spoke of how he enjoys socializing with new people, exploring new venues, and finding ways to push his comfort zone.  He presented himself with a warm, engaging confidence.

I had to remind Ned that while there are situations in which he wants to speak and act with more surety and agility, he already is a man who has considerable confidence.  He’s a man who takes risks, is not afraid of people different from him and who successfully navigates a particular business world that is exacting in its demand for accuracy.  Ned is demeaning himself when he says, “I’m not confident”.

A mystic of old wrote that, “Dark words hobble the soul.”  I love that word “hobble” for it captures how unfair words of criticism can trip us up.  And Ned has been tripping himself up with the label, “unconfident”.

Ned’s first challenge is to toss off the self-imposed label that inaccurately describes who he is.  He’s a confident man who wants to expand the areas in his life where he acts from a place of confidence.  The act of tossing off the label will actually give him confidence as he comes into a fuller understanding of who he is and who he wants to be.

That’s what living a life of quality is all about!

What about you?  What inaccurate labels do you attach to yourself?  What’s stopping you from tossing them off?

What's Your Name?

My friend Anthony (names changed) was guest speaker in an undergrad business class taught by a mutual friend of ours. Anthony works for an international financial powerhouse as director of external communications. 

A week after speaking, he received the following email from one of the students:

Hi, Anthony :)

I met u a little over a week ago in Jeff C's class.  My name is Betty X, I hope u remember me lol.  Anyways I asked if I could email you and see if maybe u might need help, or like and intern or something on anything you might be working on.  So...do you??? lol lol  It would be great to work with you. Like I told you, I am really up for anything long as it has to do with film work lol.  I hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks,

Betty :)

Although it’s deliciously tempting to mock Betty, I’ll be nice and simply say that the poor girl just doesn’t get “it.”  And what is that “it”?  Well, let me tell you another story.

I recently was chatting with Joe, one of the managers at The Montage Resort in Laguna Beach.  He told me that he loves working for the resort’s parent company.  When I asked him “why,” he smiled and said, “The sweetest sound is the sound of your name and management makes it a point to know who we are.”

Yes, there’s a basic, inherent respect to saying someone’s name and The Montage management gets “it.” 

So what’s the connection between Joe and Betty?  I suspect the reason why Joe appreciates hearing his name is because he knows who he is and what he stands for – and that’s what management is really recognizing when they say his name.

I’ve encountered far too many professionals who don’t know what they stand for.  They are people who cannot say what it is they want to be recognized as.  Clearly, Betty gave no thought as to how she wanted Ted to perceive her. She gave no thought as to what he’d think of her as she pressed “send” on that hot mess of an email!

Betty, though, is like many professionals who give little care to how they present themselves.  And her email is not any worse than so many of the emails my clients receive.

Joe knows who he is and what he stands for.  He knows how he contributes to The Montage and because he values himself, knows himself and is mindful of how he presents himself, he appreciates management calling his name.  That’s real validation. 

When someone calls your name, who is the person behind the name?  What is it that your name stands for?

Overcoming The "I Didn't Want To Say Anything" Syndrome

Last week I wrote about the challenge we face when we are afraid or unwilling to address an unpleasant situation.  Several of you wrote asking, “What should I do when it really is easier to just say nothing?” Some of you said that it’s not “nice” to hurt other people’s feelings and you don’t want to get others into trouble. 

My guiding rule is that you decide how to respond to unwelcome behavior based on three things: what is the context, who is involved and, most importantly, what is your goal?  You can’t strategically respond until you’ve answered all three questions.

You’ll recall that I gave the example of the manager of a local bistro who encroached on customers’ space and drove them away.  Because it was no biggie for me, I didn’t feel a need to confront him.  For other customers, it was an issue.  Rather than not saying anything to the owner, here’s what an unhappy customer could have said:

” Your manager is a nice guy and tries to give good service.  The only problem is he doesn’t seem to have a sense of boundaries and we find it annoying when he leans over and talks while we’re trying to eat or have our own conversation.  I don’t know if this is just my issue or if others have said something.  I hope you could have a chat with him.”

This is what being assertive looks like.  You’re not complaining or being rude.  You’re simply letting the other person know how you feel, why you feel that way and what you’d like from them.

The other example I gave was of a young woman manager who felt intimidated by her two older male colleagues.  She didn’t know how to handle them and so she resorted to gossiping and complaining.  These tactics didn’t give her confidence and they resolved nothing, because the person she unloaded on wasn’t in a position to help.

This manager has to figure out why she’s intimidated and then she go to HR – not to report or complain – and ask for help strategizing how she could overcome her uncomfortableness.

Being assertive comes down to this – do you believe you have the right to speak up, with the purpose of gaining clarity and having your needs met?  Do you think you have the right to be treated with respect?  Do you value the right to have feelings – and can you express your feelings appropriately without needing to harshly judge yourself? 

None of this is simple since most of us weren’t instructed as children in how to non-manipulatively express our needs.  So, yes, it can be awkward.  That’s okay – for what’s the alternative?  Suffering in silence?

The "I Didn't Want To Say Anything" Syndrome

I don’t like to cook and so I’m lucky that I’ve got a neighborhood bistro I enjoy.  The servers know my usual order and the food is way better than anything I could rustle up.

The place used to have a manager who I’ll call, “Louis”.  He treated customers as friends, but in an annoying kind of way.  He would stand too close to the table, lean in too closely when telling a “joke” and he talked incessantly, even after food arrived at the table.  He had no sense of boundaries and wouldn’t / couldn’t take a hint.

Oddly, no one complained and that includes me.  People simply stopped coming in (doesn’t include me).  Eventually, Ellen, the owner, figured “it” out and let Louis go.  Customers returned, but Ellen was puzzled.  Why hadn’t anyone said anything to her since she could have taken action sooner?

Maybe it’s because I’m from New York and am used to neighborhood “characters”, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to simply stop coming in because of Louis. Besides, I always brought a book and used it as a shield. 

So why did people not want to tell Ellen about Louis?  She asked returning regulars and some claimed they didn’t want to be responsible for him losing his job.  Seems it never occurred to them that if they stopped giving Ellen their business, she wouldn’t have money to pay his salary!

Other customers gave the vague reason that they “didn’t feel comfortable saying anything.”  It was easier to stay away from a place they enjoyed than complain.

Ya know, we can all be so odd!

What about you?  Is there something you’ve thought about telling someone and you’ve opted to just say nothing – and, instead have opted to talk about the situation with anyone and everyone other than the person who should hear what you’ve got to say?

I recently coached a team of four managers who work in the same department.  I asked them to suggest how communication could flow smoother among them.  Ideas ranged from replying faster to email to socializing after work so as to get to know each other better. 

The youngest of the group, a woman, said that they needed to have more direct lines of communication.  On the job less than six months, she’s already afraid to go directly to two of her colleagues as she finds them intimidating.  Instead, she goes to the remaining member of the team who usually can’t help her, but who lends a sympathetic ear!

Having a difficult conversation is never easy.  In my next post, I’ll offer tips and tricks on how to talk to someone when you’d do anything to avoid the conversation!

What "Best" Teachers Share In Common

This is a post I wrote for the Titleist Performance Institute and while it speaks directly to those who are golf instructors and coaches, the principles apply to any type of teaching and coaching.

Enjoy!

"During an interview on “Morning Drive,” Golf Digest senior writer Matthew Rudy explained how the magazine compiled its annual guide of the best teachers in the U.S.  He said that the teachers selected are “best” not simply because they have a keen understanding of the physics of a golf swing.  They’re “best” because in addition to their knowledge and skill they have the ability to inspire their players to believe that they can do better – that they can do it.

Who were your best teachers – in school and on the green?  What made them “best” for you?

I’ve been both a student and a teacher and I’m now convinced that genuine teachers do two things really well: they engage and they connect.  A true teacher engages with the facts and mechanics of the skill they’re teaching.  Because they’re engaged, they continually find ways to make their knowledge understandable.  In addition, a true teacher connects with students through trust.

Skill + engagement + trust = an outstanding teacher and coach.  All three are important in equal measure.  A teacher with technical know-how but who is unable to connect and inspire is simply an instruction manual, while a teacher who can motivate but who has an average skill-set is a well-intentioned cheerleader!

The criteria for assessing teachers’ know-how are more established than for assessing their ability to inspire.  Oftentimes it’s a case of “I’ll know it when I see it.”  But how is connection made?  How is trust established?

The surest way to connect with someone you’re teaching or coaching is. . ."

CONTINUE READING

"That's Just How I Am" = BS!

For the past month I’ve been consulting at a family-owned clothing company.  The president of the firm, Rachel, asked me to coach her supply manager, a woman who is loyal to the company, is willing to put in long hours and who has strong relationships with manufacturing plants in Mexico.  The one thing she doesn’t have is people skills.

Betsy (name changed) treats her team with barely a trace of respect – she yells, slams doors and habitually lies when it suits her. When I asked Rachel why she tolerated Betsy’s antics, she told me, “I need her.  I don’t want to go through a search for her replacement.”

Last week I laid it all out for Betsy.  She bristled and then declared, “Betsy is who Betsy is and there’s no changing her, do you know what I mean?”  Yeah, I did––she meant she has no intention of changing!  When I challenged her, she lamented, “I can’t change.  This is who I am.”

That wasn’t the first time someone has boasted to me that they “can’t” change.  However, please understand – that statement is simply not true.  It’s a lie!  We all have the ability to change. We all are responsible for how we present ourselves to other people and how we interact with them.

No one “just is.”

Which brings me to Ken.  He and his fiancée Alice (names changed) are getting married at the end of the year and are in the process of interviewing officiants.  Ken didn’t smile when we met and seemed uncomfortable when he sat down. 

Alice was friendly and engaged (no pun intended) as we talked.  Ken never looked at me, never offered an opinion and answered my questions in a low, mumbling tone.  Hey, there’s shy and then there’s creepy shy and Ken was creeping me out!

Something seemed “off” and finally I asked him directly if he was happy getting married.  His head shot back, he nervously smiled and said “of course!”  I asked if anything was wrong, as he seemed unhappy or troubled.  Alice gently smiled and explained, “Ken is reserved; that’s just how he is.” 

Once again, there’s that phrase, “just is.”  Here’s the thing – if you need your fiancée to explain that you’re reserved, then you’re more than “reserved”! 

Just because a person is reserved doesn’t mean they have to present themselves in a rude, weird manner.  Just because someone is loud and impatient, doesn’t mean they have to intimidate team members by screaming, slamming and shutting down.

“Just is” is never an excuse for feeble, off-putting behavior!  You don’t have to “just” be an a*hole.  You can “just” be someone who strives to be a more dynamically alive person!

"I Have No Opinion"

Ken, a client of mine, told me that he had great confidence in high school and even was on the debate team.  With the passing of the years, though, he’s lost confidence in himself.  He tries to be so agreeable he doesn’t know what he thinks any more and desperately wants to regain his confidence.

Sadly, I don’t think Ken’s unique.  Despite the endless barrage of tweets, texts, postings and comments that rain down on us daily, many people lack a genuine conviction of their own thoughts.  They remain mute or simply smile and mindlessly agree with others’ opinions.

Ken claims he has no personal opinions because he doesn’t want to hurt people’s feelings.  His reflex is to smile, nod his head and say, “yes,” “good” or “I agree,” all the while not reflecting on whether he believes or doesn’t believe the truth of what they’re saying. 

There are people who convince themselves that the most important thing in life is to be liked and approved by EVERYONE – yes, everyone – they encounter.  And so these people will do whatever it takes to get people to like them.

Do you work with a “yes” person?  The person who says, “yes” to every request and then fails to deliver on what was promised?  In most cases, that person is saying “yes” not because they’re a jerk but rather because they’re afraid of disappointing you in the moment.  And even more, they want you to like and respect them – deeply and truly.

Ken doesn’t understand that genuine like and respect go deeper than merely agreeing with someone.

Amy Adams recently talked about Philip Seymour Hoffman with whom she worked on two films.  She said that, “he had this unique ability to see people. To really see them. Not look through them. He just really saw people.”  When you really “see” a person, you see the good, the bad and the ugly and in that seeing you respect them by engaging them in ways in which you agree, disagree, encourage and challenge.  That’s the inherent risk of truly encountering another human being.  That’s true respect.

I think Ken is afraid that if people really “see” him they won’t like or respect him.  Maybe that will happen – with some people some of the time.  But without the risk of seeing and being seen, there can be no real relationship.

Ken has yet to take that risk.  He has yet to give himself permission to say “I think,” “I feel,” “I believe,” “I want,” or “I need.”  He has yet to truly see himself. 

He wants to and I’m choosing to believe that in time he will.

What about you – do you really see people?  Really see yourself?

Trust – Such An Old-Fashioned Concept

Last week I met with Carol Roleder, an event planner who specializes in funerals and memorials.  She loves helping people plan the memorial of a loved one and the reception that follows not because she’s creepy, but because she loves family.  And a memorial is as much a time to celebrate family as is a wedding, a mitzvah or a baptism.

She told me that from the time she was a little girl she knew she wanted to be a mother.  Married with four children, she loves everything about being a mother and a wife.  She loves talking about family with newly weds and tells parents that the most important thing they can teach their children is to trust them.  For Carol, trust is the most important gift you can give your child.

When Carol told me that “trust” is at the heart of her family, I squirmed as trust was not a prized virtue in my family.  Everything was conditional, including love, and so the “trick” was to not get caught.  If you told the truth you could get into trouble; if you lied you could get into trouble.  And so you had to strategize on how not to get into trouble!  As an adult, I had to learn how to value trust and how to make it a cornerstone of my life – personal and professional. 

Carol told me that trust is at the heart of what she does as an event planner.  In a time of grief, a time of confusion, people entrust her with the celebration of their loved one – the celebration of their family.  What greater trust is there?

The first funeral home that trusted her, Cabot in Pasadena, told her that they were willing to give her just one chance to prove that she deserved their trust.  They gave her that opportunity because she presented herself as trustworthy. How did she manage that? 

They said she didn’t come across as an ambulance chaser; that her passion and care came through not only in what she said, but also in how she said it.  There was a look in her eye and a tremble in her voice that made them believe she was “real.”

In a world of slick commercial promises and in a world filled with folks who over-promise and under-deliver, isn’t it refreshing when you find someone whose trust is reliable?  Someone who responds to calls and emails promptly, supplies useful information and goes beyond what is merely required.  Someone who looks you in the eye and searches for what you really need, for what you’re really saying.

What about you – is trust one of the words people would readily use to describe you?

Love In The Midst Of Fear – A Valentine's Day Thought

photo: callawaygable.com

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m inspired by something that Vivian, a follower of this blog, recently shared with me. . .

“Four years ago my husband Jake was terminated from his job at the age of 59. As you can imagine, he experienced depression and a loss of identity.  Because he had two open-heart surgeries in the previous ten years, he didn’t have it in him to begin a new corporate career.  He prayed for direction, asking to be shown a way.  Originally he came to LA to be a comedy writer.  Through a series of events, he now has his work on GoComics.com.  He receives mail from many who thank him for the smiles, saying his cartoons helped them through chemo and other difficult life events. The inspiring thing about my husband’s journey that motivates me is that life is full of opportunities, often unknown, and that every day is a new beginning - perhaps the opportunity to reinvent oneself, to dare to try something we always dreamed about.”

I think Vivian’s tribute to Jake is what Valentine’s Day is all about – without the mush!  Vivian’s admiration of Jake is grounded in thanks and hope and she reminds me that there is no gratitude without hope. 

To give thanks for what we can see also acknowledges that there is more to come because “every day is a new beginning.”  However, I think it’s easier to say, “I’m thankful” than it is to say, “I’m hopeful.”  That’s because real hope is always big and it requires that we have a generous attitude looking to the future.  And that takes courage.  Vivian and Jake, each and together, are courageous people.

I’m challenged by Vivian’s story because I don’t think I’m a hopeful person.  I think  “to hope” can seem like it’s leaving things up to chance and I don’t want to take a chance on chance because I’m never lucky!

And I don’t think I’m really a grateful person because I’m never satisfied.  I keep pushing myself without pausing to take stock of what I’ve accomplished and what has been given me. 

So what to do?  Live from cautious hope?  Live with meager thanks?  That simply won’t do. I think we’re asked to do what Jake and Vivian did. Vivian loved her husband by bearing witness to his pain and struggle.  And in Vivian’s unwavering gaze, Jake was able to remember what he’d forgotten – his love of humor. 

A wise woman once observed that real love is a reassuring whisper in the dark of night.  And so, somehow, in that mixture of faith and hope, fear and love, together they were able to strive to create anew their life – present and future – despite the sirens of the unknown. 

That is the truest love of Valentine’s Day!

12 Most Enduring Life Lessons I Learned While Unplugging On A South Pacific Island

This posting of mine originally appeared on the social site: 12 Most

When I was seven years old I spent four months in the hospital for a heart condition. I got through the ordeal, in part, because an old, reclusive neighbor dropped off three shopping bags of National Geographic magazines. I devoured stories of exotic locales and vowed that someday I’d have my own Nat Geo experience.

In my senior year of college I was offered the opportunity to teach at Xavier High School on the Pacific island of Weno in the Truk (Chuuk) Lagoon (part of the Federated States of Micronesia). I was fortunate to have lived there when life was still unplugged and a trusty portable typewriter was my “tablet.” Today, my home office is a veritable Apple outlet, but the three years I lived in Truk was life changing.

Here are the 12 most enduring lessons I learned from that adventure and that guided my life ever since.

1. Be in the moment

Imagine being in a meeting with colleagues and no one looks down at a smartphone. The ability to focus on what is happening in the present is startling.

2. Offer only your best to others

Whenever I visited, people welcomed me by sharing freely — food, beverage and laughter. By the time I left to return to the States, TV had arrived in the islands. On my last night, I visited the home of my student Salvelo. His family had one of the first TV sets. It was sitting atop a table at the far end of the main room. Everyone was stretched out on mats watching. Salvelo’s mother gave me her mat so I’d have the best view. It was one of the most surreal moments in my life. Yet, typical of true hospitality — unhesitating giving.

3. Story begets story

Because there was no TV at the school, we entertained ourselves. At night, I’d go to the back of campus where students would light a fire, lop off some coconuts and we’d sit around telling stories. My grandmother had been a prison guard in NYC for thirty-five years, so I could match any of their shark attack yarns!

4. All people share three things in common

GiGi, a Filipina who left home for political reasons and who was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, had a personal story of love, pain and loss that was poignant and harrowing. She once told me that every person loves someone, has lost someone or something precious and is afraid of something. Wonderfully dramatic, but I’ve yet to meet the person for whom this isn’t true.

5. You can’t run away from pain

Sue volunteered to teach in the Science Department because she was fed-up with life in Los Angeles where men ignored all 375-pounds of her. What she didn’t know is that in Truk, big women are considered beautiful. Sue lasted three months, as she couldn’t handle the lavish attention. She returned to LA without having made peace with herself.

6. Carpe Diem

When the job was offered to me, I had no idea where I was going. And that’s what I loved — the adventure of it all. My comfort zone was shattered. Being uncomfortable allowed the world to never be the same for me. Seize the day — and not just a day-planner app!

7. There’s more to life than meets the eye

My first night at the school the generator was turned off at 10:00 p.m. and the campus was dropped into an inky black, unnerving silence. Norman and Taka, two of the teachers, took me up to the roof where I became dizzy from what I saw. As a boy from the Bronx, no one ever explained how the night sky is exploding with stars. And every day for the next three years I learned that there is just so much more to the world than I could ever take in.

8. The pen is mightier than the text

Marshall McLuhan famously claimed, “The message is the medium.” But it’s equally true that the medium dictates the message. Having no laptop, I could only write letters. With pen in hand, I reflect and compose differently from when I’m dashing off an email or a scrunched text. Being a multi-tech user allows me to experience a variety of thinking.

9. Grit has no expiration date

Francoise was a seventy-five-year-old “broad” who wanted an adventure. And so she replaced Sue as head of the Science Department. She was game for anything — including a role in my production of Agatha Christie’s “Ten Little Indians.” She was the first character to be bumped-off and she died with aplomb. Generosity of spirit is ageless.

10. Resourcefulness animates learning

I was assigned to teach literature, but was given no syllabus and few textbooks. Since I’d never taken an education course in college, I simply recalled all the teachers who I didn’t like and then did the opposite. I trusted my imagination, created a curriculum, made a ton of mistakes and along the way educated my students to appreciate the power of the written word. The power of their imaginations. The power that comes from thinking.

11. Manhattan is not the center of the universe

For all my enthusiasm and goodwill, I really wasn’t aware of the breadth of cross-cultural differences I’d encounter. “Be you” translates differently in a communal-based culture that puts a premium on “we” as opposed to the fast-talking, every person for him/herself world of NYC. I had to learn how to be a guest — and to see the world from a different perspective.

12. We are who we believe ourselves to be

I taught poetry to the frosh. At end of term, I put together a collection of their work and called it, “AH!” That summer, an Australian anthropologist stayed with the family of Bellarmine, one of my students. On her first night with them, Belarmine asked the anthropologist, “Would you like me to read some poems I’ve written. I’m a poet.” She was amused that he called himself a “poet.” Months later, she told me that her evening with “Bellarmine the poet” was pure magic. And so it is that we become who we say we are.

Although this journey took place years ago, the gifts of that unplugged life anchor me today in my oh-so-plugged-in world. The enduring gift of Truk is simply this: it is the quality of our daily life that matters most. With or without technology, each of us is the creator of that quality.