How To Become The Hero Of Your Own Life

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.

David Copperfield

Jared (50) (all names changed) came to me for coaching because he doesn’t want to become his father, who was a verbally abusive man, who only had transactional relationships with his family and had no friends.  Jared is self-aware enough to recognize that, indeed, he has more than begun to replicate his father’s ways.

Mary(32) recently sought out my help because she’s exhausted from having resisted turning into her father, a workaholic who lives to make a buck and who is controlling in his family relationships.  Mary has carved out a life for herself and her family that contradicts the career path her father demanded she march down.  Mary, though, is riddled with guilt and has become adept at sabotaging herself professionally.

Kim(46) was recently demoted at work, the victim of office politics.  He came to me wanting to find a new job, a job that will give him money – lots of money.  Job satisfaction is his #2 priority, so he claimed.  As we explored his goals, what became apparent is that he wants money because he wants to prove himself to his father.  He’s never allowed himself to go after a job that he actually wanted because he thought it would bring deep down satisfaction.

Jared, Mary and Kim each feel frustrated, angry and helpless.  Each repeatedly said, “I don’t know what to do!”

I’m jotting down the first draft of this post on July 31^st which, in the Catholic  Church, is the feast day of Ignatius of Loyola, the man who founded the religious order that became known as the Jesuits.

When I was twenty years old, I entered the Jesuit novitiate to prepare for a life as an ordained priest.  I was filled with idealism and determined to please my New York Irish-American parents.  I was hell-bent not on saving the world, but rather on making the world a better place.  Almost twenty years later, I left the Jesuits and resigned from the priesthood, not in rancor but in the conviction that I needed to “find my voice”.

I left not in repudiation of all I had done, but rather, in the conviction that there was more I needed to learn and do and that it couldn’t be done within the safe borders of religious life.

When I joined the Jesuits, I thought that religious life would allow me to become the hero of my own life.  From this vantage spot in my life, I realize that was just the first phase.  And now, these many years later, I’m listening to a growing number of clients who are struggling with how to become the hero of their own life.

So, here’s what I now know about becoming the hero of your own life – and it’s what I did not know and could not know when I was that idealistic twenty year old.

1.     Recognize the courage that was needed to get this far – which may not be where you ultimately want to be – but you’ve outsmarted some of your demons.

2.     Grieve and feel the anger for choices made that did not bring you to where you had hoped to go but do not beat yourself up.   Being harsh isn’t going to aid you.

3.     Come to terms with the reality that change and newness of life will never come as quickly as you would want.

4.     Resist saying, “Yes, but. . .” when options appear in your life.  The forces of darkness don’t want you to heal.

5.     Decide which pain you want – the pain of healing or the pain of self-injury.

6.     Brutally answer this question, “Who do I want to be?”  Describe in detail what you would look like and feel like, how you would move and think and react.  And then make peace with the fact that that person cannot be the original version of who you wanted to be because you are changed by pain, loss and, yes, successes.

7.     Those early impulses in your life – impulses of generosity and idealism – they were real, genuine and enduring.  They may have been half thought out, gingerly or callously handled BUT they are still your North Star.  How can they be reinvigorated?

8.     Expect self-resistance.  Old habits resent newly forming habits especially when the new ones are healthy and effective.

9.     Believe that what you’re doing is a gift – to your self – to those within your immediate circle – to those within that small slice of humanity you interact with.

10. Find a mentor, a coach, a “mid-wife” – someone you can trust, who you don’t have to idolize, and who can assist you in your heroic becoming.

JP Reynolds helps people find their voice, showing professionals how to communicate in smart, healthy ways so as to develop successful relationships.  JP teaches at UCLA Extension and blogs with The Huffington Post.  To explore how he can help you present you with enhanced confidence, please contact JP at:  JP@thebusinessofconfidence.com