Every moment is utterly unique and will not be continued in
eternity. This fact gives life its poignancy and should concentrate your
attention on what you are experiencing now.
― Joseph
Campbell
A client recently told me that his
boss confessed to him that he’s “given up” on life. He’s not suicidal, but he is no longer interested
in people, romance or relationships. He
just wants to work.
Kendra (names changed) (25) shared in
a workshop that she decided to look for a new job when she one day realized that
she was “comfortable being miserable at work.”
Another client, Steven (46), asked
me if I thought he was too old to reinvent himself. When I told him he wasn’t he heaved a sigh of
relief. He said that what he’s most
gained from our work is the realization that he has options, and that he
doesn’t have to remain stuck in his job or in the routines of his life. I was touched, but wanted to know then why he
had asked me if I thought he could reinvent himself. He simply said, “I just wanted to hear you say it.”
I’m in the “business” of confidence and so I frequently work with folks
who are feeling miserable because of their seeming inability to assert
themselves and with their stumbling efforts to find the satisfaction that comes
from making confident choices.
Clients often come to me hoping I
can tell them how not to be miserable. Because
each is miserable for their own particular reasons, there are no “six easy steps to not being miserable.” However, there are things each of us can
practice doing so as to vaccinate against “miserable-itis.”
12 At-First-Difficult Things You Can Do To
De-miserabilize Yourself
1.
Anticipate
resistance as you challenge your comfortable state of being miserable – but
resist the resistance.
2.
Accept
that happiness doesn’t last longer than that new car smell. Joy and deep down satisfaction are another
matter altogether. Adding new things to
your life doesn’t upend miserableness – losing yourself in something that grabs
your fascination does.
3.
Choose a
difficult feeling other than “miserable.”
You can experience that scary feeling we each get when trying something
new.
4.
Figure
out what you’re really clinging to when you cling to being miserable. What are you really afraid of? Answer that and you’ll have greater leverage
over that miserableness.
5.
Adjust
your expectations – simply wishing to not be miserable is not going to
un-miserable you.
6.
Practice
being grateful. At the end of each
day do a quick review of the people and moments you feel grateful for. Even if you are atheistic in your beliefs,
say out loud, “thank you.”
7.
Shake-up
your ordinary routine. Go to work or
return home via a different route; order the chef’s special; take a walk down a
street you’ve frequently passed and wondered what it looked like.
8.
Don’t
hibernate. Force yourself to be with
someone(s) for some reason.
9.
Identify
who told you that in order to live safely you had to live miserably. What was their authority over you? My father used to tell me that “life’s a bitch
and then you die!” for many years, too
many years, I believed him. He lied.
10.
Dare
yourself to do something new, strange, or uncomfortable. You figure out what that sentence can mean!
11.
Read
– a book, a magazine, a blog post from someone you like or someone you don’t
know. Get other ideas popping into your
head.
12.
Seek out
a therapist if the quality of your suffering is acute. If you don’t want the therapeutic approach,
then seek out a coach who can hold you accountable for the change you want to
become.
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