True Kindness

I recently reunited with a couple whose wedding I officiated fifteen years ago. They look older but their spirits are as I remember them. Open, inquisitive, yet clearly defined in their ongoing aspirations. “Jack Daniels” joined us at the table and story begat story. It was a magical night.

As I was leaving, Ira suddenly asked me, “Do you know why Maureen and I are still in love?” Various answers came to mind, but I just said, “No, why are you still in love?” With pride he replied, “We’re kind to each other.”

Ira explained how he and Maureen consciously decided that they didn’t ever want to lose sight of being each other’s partner and best friend—not punching bag or dumping ground for the day’s irritations. So simple, yet so challenging!

While there are many ways in which to be kind to your partner, how you express what you’re feeling is one of the most important. Letting your partner know how you feel in a way that doesn’t turn him or her into that punching bag is one of the kindest things you can do for each other.  Here are two ways to avoid turning your partner into an object of your scorn.

1. Has anyone ever been annoyed with you and sarcastically asked (yelled) “What the f#@* is wrong with you?” And when they asked what’s wrong with you, did you smile, sit down and tell them what’s wrong with you? Didn’t think so!

Loudly attacking someone with phrases such as, “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re driving me nuts!” will definitely drive the other person away. The only problem is they’ll be so annoyed with you that they won’t want to talk to you later on or help you. And why should they?

AVOID: outbursts. They just signal that you’re in a bad mood without offering any insight into why. There’s never a good time to be nasty!

2. Do you end heated “discussions” with, “That’s just how I am”?  No one is ever “just” something. We always feel a certain way for a reason. If you don’t tell the other person why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, they’ll storm off thinking that you’re a jerk (or some stronger word).

AVOID: dramatic declarations. They provide no clue as to why you are the way you “just” are and most likely your partner is going to feel “just” fed up with you for stonewalling him or her.

Next week, I’ll give you two more things to avoid doing with your partner (romantic or business) and in coming weeks I’ll review the six things you can do to help your partner understand what it is you’re feeling.

Kindness – a brave and generous gift!