True Kindness Pt. 2

Last week I told you about a couple who made a decision that, no matter what, they would always be kind to each other.  In some respects, it’s such an old-fashioned notion and yet “kindness” is what we all crave – and need.  Last week I offered you two ways in which to show kindness and now here are two more ways in which you can be kind – to your romantic partner and even to your business associates.

1.  When you say, “I’m kinda mad at you right now”, how mad is “kinda”? Is your “kinda” the same as your partner’s “kinda”? Understated expressions can only confuse your partner. The clearer you are in describing how you feel – and why – the better chance your partner has of understanding you and being able to help you.

AVOID: vague words such as, “a little”, “sort of”, “I guess”, “maybe” and “a few” because while you know what you mean by these words, your partner may not. When you say, “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” how many minutes is that “few”?  The more specific you are, the better you increase your chances of being misunderstood.

2. YOU.  When you attack the other person with a barrage of “you’s” – “You never”, “You always”, “You disappoint me”,  “You make me sick” – all the other person can do is one of two things:  lash out or become defensive.

AVOID: clobbering your partner with the word “you.” This one little word has the power to press your partner’s buttons. You know how you react when someone attacks you with “you,” so why attack your partner with “you” when you know what you’re doing?!

We’re all guilty of what I’ve just described here and in last week’s column. Why? Because old habits die hard. Because we’re lazy. Because we think we don’t or shouldn’t have to explain ourselves. BUT, you do have to explain yourself; otherwise, you’ll drive your partner nuts, who, in turn, will drive you nuts!

Consider these questions as you take stock of how kind you and your partner are to each other:

·      In the past week, how many times have you accused your partner of not “caring”?

·      In the past week how many times have you complained to someone about your partner not understanding you? 

·      In the past week how many times have you understated your feelings or bombarded your partner with “you” accusations? 

·      What would you like to see happen differently?

Remember: You and your partner protect and keep each other sane when you are aware of and acknowledge each other’s feelings, try to understand and not judge those feelings, and take responsibility for owning and expressing your feelings.

Now that’s being kind!