Not All Street Signs Are Blurry!

 

I met with my client Jesse (names changed) last week and was surprised he was wearing glasses. When I complimented him on the new look he told me that he’d never worn glasses before; however, he’s thrilled with the difference they make––he can’t believe how clear street signs are!

For years Jesse thought all signs were blurry because they were far away AND he presumed they were blurry for everyone!  He lived in a fuzzy world and didn’t know it.  He just thought, “That’s the way things are.”

Jesse is a smart guy who excels in his job.  He’s not a dope.  He just didn’t know that there’s a better way to see.  And in that, he’s like so many of us!  Take my other client, Richard.

In our first meeting he told me that he hates when people interrupt him.  He thinks they’re rude and disrespectful.  He said that many people interrupt him and he wonders if he’s doing something to encourage them in that behavior. 

The following week I sat in on a meeting with Richard and four other executives, as they wanted to explore training possibilities for various teams in the company.  During the meeting, one of the executives interrupted Richard and he immediately shut down.  Everything about him changed––his face, his posture, his overall “vibe.”  He actually glared at the guy.

Richard later told me that when growing up, his parents insisted that he and his siblings not interrupt when adults spoke – and they didn’t allow for freewheeling discussion.  The family motto was: don’t interrupt people—it’s rude.

But is a person automatically rude if she or he interrupts?  I don’t think so.  What about the person who comes from a large family where everyone had to compete to be heard and interrupting was accepted?

Here’s the thing - every family lives life guided by a motto. Sometimes it is spoken aloud; other times it is implicitly understood. But no matter, this mantra guides a family as it navigates through life.

Family mottos take on their own life.  They influence how we see and interpret people and situations.  They become the air we breathe.  When I was growing up, my family’s mantra was: trust no one.  My father was a cop.  His job demanded that he be leery of all.  I breathed in that mantra without thought or doubt. Later in life I had to work hard to overcome its limitations and to trust people.

Without understanding your family’s assumptions about how life is lived, you will be setting yourself up in subtle ways for stress and misunderstanding.

Give yourself an “eye exam” and identify your family’s motto.  Does it help or hinder you?

Paranoia In The Office

Oh how we complicate our lives!  Stephanie (names changed) is head of Human Resources for a hospitality company and Gina is the Associate Head.  Gina is upset that Stephanie doesn’t promptly answer her emails.  She sometimes has not gotten information that she needs and feels out of the loop.  She doesn’t like not knowing an answer and is afraid people will think she’s incompetent. Gina believes Stephanie is out to sabotage her. 

Stephanie claims that Gina is driving her nuts with too many emails. She thinks Gina needs to handle situations on her own as she knows how to do her job.  Although Stephanie has told this to her, Gina doesn’t believe her. 

Gina  also thinks Stephanie likes Juan (new office hire) more than her and is conspiring to make her mess up at work so she has a reason to fire her and then promote Juan!

So what could be some of the reasons why Stephanie doesn’t return emails?  Here’s a quick list:

·      She doesn’t like Gina

·      She is incompetent

·      She is too busy chatting with Juan

·      She doesn’t see a need to respond

·      She trusts Gina to do the right thing

While I don’t have security footage that will show me if Stephanie is fawning over Juan, my instinct tells me that Stephanie is not some psychopath plotting Gina’s demise.  In fact, she promoted her six months ago!

What do these colleagues need to do?  Each needs to do something difficult.

Stephanie admits she’s not good with answering email.  She’s not proud of this and recognizes she needs to do a better job.  She now needs to move on from recognizing this is an ineffective habit and consciously develop a game plan for being more prompt in her responses.  If Gina’s upset, chances are others in the company share Gina’s frustrations.

Gina needs to understand that it is unfair and unrealistic to hold people to her standard of email protocol.  She is prompt in responding.  Actually, I’ve seldom met anyone who responds as quickly to an email as she does!  That’s good, but. . .she needs to probe what appears to be her paranoia regarding Stephanie and Juan’s relationship.  Aside from making an accusation, what are the facts to back up the belief that her career is being sabotaged?

Each woman needs to reflect on how her behavior could appear to the other and ask how her behavior is tripping up the other person.  The Golden Rule of doing unto others as we’d have them do unto us is not nearly as effective as the “Platinum Rule” of doing unto others as they would have us do unto them!

That’s real strategy – and will lead to real and successful communication!

National Positive Thinking Day!

September 13th is National Positive Thinking Day and so this column is my nod to this little-known holiday!

My father was a great storyteller who had an appreciation for the absurd.  With Scotch in hand, he was a jolly good-fella whom people enjoyed.  Although he had a great sense of humor, my father was not an optimist.  While he could laugh so hard that he’d cry, the proverbial glass was ALWAYS half empty. 

We were a Catholic family and like any Catholic of his generation, he could quote the Catechism.  The first question in that book is: “why did God make us?”  The classic answer is, “God made us to know, love and serve Him in this world and be happy with Him in the next.”  My father would quote this and point out, “It doesn’t say anything about being happy in this world.  We’re not meant for happiness.” 

This belief, which is a perversion of Catholic thought, allowed him to explain every disappointment, misstep and misfortune that happened in life. He was a fatalist and as such had low expectations for life.  Dreams didn’t amount to much because they most likely would be decimated.  Hopes were pleasant but did little more than aspirin. 

I had to work hard to understand how his belief system was grounded in a lie - a lie that allowed him to not aspire for anything of value. 

I don’t think my father was unique in his fatalism.  In fact, I think it’s far more common than we care to admit in this feel-good society of ours. 

Mildred (85) is the oldest resident in my condo building.  She told me that she and her husband raised their family in this building although she had never wanted to live here.  She wanted to own a house but her husband wouldn’t hear of it.  She lamented, “I’ve been miserable in this place for thirty years.  Can you believe that?”  And I did detect a twinge of pride in her voice.

I laughed, saying, “Of course I can!”

It’s easy to surrender power and believe that ultimately life is controlled by forces outside our control.

Viktor Frankl, one of last century’s greatest writers and a survivor of Auschwitz, fervently believed that, “We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: The last of his freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

Be happy.  Be powerful.  Think positive!

Did You Go To Work On Your Wedding Day?

photo:brittrenephoto.com

Here are three vignettes that for various reasons took me by surprise:

#1.  My friend, Becky, is a regional sales director for a discount chain.  She works hard, long hours.  When not working, she enjoys spending time with Stacy, her seven-year-old goddaughter.

While Becky loves having “girl days” with Stacy, of course, she always brings her Blackberry, which is like the third “girl” on their outings. Becky apologizes to Stacy whenever she takes a call or responds to a text.  “It’s work” is her catch phrase.

On their last outing, Stacy commented that Becky sure works a lot.  Becky laughed, assuring her that she did.  And then Stacy asked, “Did you have to go to work on your wedding day?”

Becky laughed at the “cute” question, but ever since Stacy asked the question, she’s been wondering about her priorities.  Becky asked me, “Does Stacy see something that I don’t?”  Just as I was about to answer, her phone rang and she had to take the call!

#2.  At one of my workshops last month, Casey chatted with me during a break and told me that she wished she could do what I do, i.e. work directly with people in a coaching capacity.  She said that many of her friends consider her to be their personal life coach.  I asked her if she thought about making a career change (she works for a national insurance firm).  She said that she’s thought about it, but isn’t sure how to go about it.  She’s hoping that sooner rather than later the right path will appear.

I pointed out that the “right path” only appears if we’ve done the necessary prep work to make sure we can recognize that right path when it appears.  In an oddly wistful tone she said, “I know.”

When I commented that she seemed sad, she sighed, “It’s just so hard figuring out how to do what I want to do!”

#3.  In one of my workshop exercises, I ask participants to complete this sentence: “I matter most when I. . .” One woman shared with the group, “I matter most when I get a large bonus.”  We all laughed but she looked surprised.  “No.  I’m serious; my self worth is directly tied to my bonus.”  I was stunned.  Why would anyone give so much power to someone making what ultimately is an arbitrary decision?

The question we each must grapple with is, “Am I happy with the quality of the life I’ve created?”  If not, do you deep down want to actively work to improve the quality of your life?  If so, start now – not tomorrow!

WATCH This video!

What No Perfectionist Wants To Talk About

photo: faile.net

My godson, Leo, leaves this week to start his undergrad at a prestigious Chicago university.  Since it’s an expensive school, he and his parents were thrilled when he was invited to interview for a four-year scholarship that is awarded to only ten freshmen.

Leo is bright, articulate and charming.  I knew that if he could contain his nerves and be his proverbial “self,” he’d have done all he could do.

I called Leo’s dad the day after the interview and he told me that Leo was so disheartened that he refused to talk about it.  When gently prodded by his mother, he lashed out, saying it had been a disaster.  I was baffled; even if he had done his worst, it couldn’t have gone as badly as he thought.

Leo’s dad called the dean of freshmen and asked if there was any feedback he could give him or Leo on the interview.  The dean wasn’t able to reveal much except to say that two-hundred students had been invited to interview for the scholarship and that Leo had made it to the final thirty.  He didn’t receive the scholarship, but not because he “bombed” in the interview.

The reality is that it’s so hard to have an accurate sense of our “performance” in an interview, a presentation or even a simple conversation.  It’s even harder when we hold ourselves to a standard of perfection––which is what Leo holds himself to.

He didn’t get the scholarship.  That’s a fact.  He didn’t “bomb.”  That’s a fact; but because he didn’t get the scholarship, Leo equates that with making a horrible impression.  His belief is a fact, but it’s also a fact that it’s an unfair and debilitating belief.  He refuses to acknowledge what he’s accomplished because he has an all-or-nothing attitude.

Life isn’t black-or-white.  It’s seldom lived at the extremes.  You don’t need me to tell you that life is messy.  Success can only be found within that messiness.  And for a perfectionist, that’s hard to take seriously.

Dr. David M. Burns advises, “Aim for success, not perfection.  Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.  Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism.  Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.”

Leo is going to the university as his parents found a way to make it happen––even though they’re still paying off their own college loans!  I hope Leo learns how to be successfully imperfect during his time in college.  It may just be the best lesson he could learn.

Sometimes Life Really Is Simple

I recently helped out my friend, Sue, with a summer boot camp she ran for the incoming seniors of the high school where she’s the college guidance counselor.  The three-day workshop focused on college application essay writing.

Sue and I have known each other for more years than I care to admit to in public, but we’ve seldom had opportunities to work together.  And so this was a fun treat.  It also gave me the chance to observe her in her “element” and to see her in action.

Here it is the summer and she’s heading up a program for forty teens that are drenched in Valley sweat and an early onslaught of nerves over the college application process.  And through it all Sue is calm, focused, humorous and gracious.

This was the second year for the camp and as she did last year, Sue provided lunch for her team.  And as with last year, everyone appreciated her taking care of them.  Perhaps I’m too jaded but I fully expected to be fed.  Hey, the pay is modest and a worker is worth his or her keep!

What I realized, though, is that the staff is not accustomed to being treated with this kind of appreciation.  They’re just used to brown bagging it, no matter the school function.  For Sue, though, it was a question of hospitality, of caring for those who ultimately are helping her with her job.

I’m reminded of a fable told by the great Indian teacher Anthony DeMello, s.j: “One day, a scorpion stood on the side of a stream and asked a frog to carry it to the other side. 'How do I know you won't sting me?' the frog asked. 'Because if I sting you, I'll drown,' the scorpion said.

The frog thought about it and realized that the scorpion was right. So he put the scorpion on his back and started ferrying him. But midway across the stream, the scorpion plunged its stinger into the frog's back. As they both began to drown, the frog gasped, 'Why?'

The scorpion replied, 'Because it is my nature.'”

And so it is with Sue.  She can’t do anything other than what she does.  As she said to me, “how could I have them help these kids and not feed them?  There’d be no camp without them!”  Sue literally could not not feed us.

Yes, I am biased because Sue is my friend (how lovely to write that) BUT, she’s also a professional who is on top of things and trusts that the people she’s gathered will do what they’re supposed to do and she reminds them – “you’re doing a great job.”

Sometimes, life can be that simple.

How A 16-Year-Old Taught Me The Power Of Words

Last week Pablo, one of my students at UCLA Extension, informed me that he was dropping the course because an unexpected job offer in Miami fell his way.  Although nervous, he knew this was one of those rare opportunities.

I congratulated him for his luck and his courage.  I know how a “rare opportunity” can be life changing as I’d seized such an opportunity soon after graduating college.  I was given the chance to teach at a high school on an island 700 miles south of Guam.

While I have many stories from my years at Xavier High School, this is my favorite.

I arrived a week before the semester’s start.  The principal reviewed with me the class roster, pointing out who was bright or lazy; who was a star or just a pain.  When he came to the name “Augustine” he said that he’d probably not last the semester, as he was a major troublemaker.

I was intrigued––could he be that bad?  By end of the first class it was clear to me that Augustine was the brightest kid in the class––and, yes, the biggest “pain.”

I took him aside and told him that I wasn’t in the habit of taking crap from anyone––especially not a freshman!  I told him that I’d heard he was lazy and that I had no doubt he could do “A” work, which is what I expected.  He was shocked.

As the semester progressed, I kept at him and slowly, steadily, his grades improved from ‘C’ to ‘C+’ to ‘B’ and then, with his final exam, he earned his first ever ‘A.’

I was thrilled that he’d pushed himself to do the caliber of work I knew he was capable of.  And I also felt smug as I proved everyone wrong!

I went looking for Augustine and found him on the basketball court.  I ran up, slapped him on the back and gave him the great news. I told him how proud I was and that I always knew he could do it.

His eyes glistened with tears, something no 16-year-old boy wants.  He said that no one had ever told him, “Augustine, you can do it.”  I was incredulous, yet I later learned that he came from an unusually broken home and that, indeed, most likely, no one had ever told him that he could “do it.”

This was many years ago and today Augustine works in his government’s historical preservation office.

The power of words is the power to create reality.  My words helped to create a new reality for Augustine because they helped Augustine see himself as he truly could be.

Is there an Augustine in your life?

A "Thank-You" Note From a Former Client

I recently had an email from a former coaching client.  Alice (name changed) wrote:

I took to heart much of what you said at our meeting many months ago. As a result of talking with you and taking various classes, there has been and continues to be an internal shift taking place within me that has significantly increased my perception in the value of my skill set and has resulted in my being much braver to venture out on my own in the workplace.  I still work WITH Ray (she used to work “for” him), however, I am in the process of creating my own subdivision within the company. 

Just in case you’re wondering, self-growth sucks-–no better way to describe the process.

PS:  Your advice on how to dress professionally was important to hear and shows that you are brave too!

I was delighted when I read this note––delighted that Alice is seeing the value she brings to the work her husband does and delighted she’s sensing that she can “do it.”

I especially like her description of “self-growth.”  Yes, it sucks!  It is hard work because for most of us, by the time we set about consciously creating new mindsets and new behaviors, we’re so set in our old ways, no matter how dysfunctional, we resist change.

Alice, though, was hell-bent on changing, on finding her voice, on finding a new way of being.  Without being “hell-bent” nothing new will appear.

And in terms of her P.S., well, I was surprised.  Alice has a wonderful, down-to-earth way about her.  She has a hard time understanding why people would waste her time or their time engaging in b.s.  To use an overused word, Alice is genuine.  This is also reflected in her clothes.  She’s in her late 50’s (a guess) and dresses with an LL Bean casualness.  I urged her to think about what impression she wanted to create when meeting clients.

I didn’t think I was being especially “brave” in my comments.  We had established a relationship of trust and so I felt comfortable and confident in giving impression-management feedback.

Trust lets you do many more things you wouldn’t think of doing!

Bottom line: Yeah, self-growth sucks BUT the alternative is even suckier!

The Kindness Of Strangers - The Best Kind Of Kindness

Here is an article from the Harvard Business Review Blog that is heartening in a “pay-it-forward” kind of way AND is spot-on in its insights into the simple skills that go into professional networking and relationship building.

Blanche Du Bois (of A Streetcar Names Desire fame) is again proved right by believing in the “kindness of strangers”!

Make a Stranger Believe in You

by Anne Kreamer  |  HBR February 19, 2013

I recently received an e-mail sent to my business address that began with the salutation "Dear Ms. Anne," — the kind of greeting that suggested that the rest of the note would offer me riches from some recently deceased Estonian cousin I didn't know I had. It continued, "I know you have no idea who I am, however, I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible" — words destined to cause a further sinking feeling about what was to come. But in the seconds I skimmed the note, a few words jumped out at me and I was intrigued. In three short paragraphs, Zanele Mutepfa, a junior at Portland State University in Oregon, told me that she was an immigrant Zimbabwean-born orphan and youth advocate who aspired to be a television talk show host. With a bravado that might have been off-putting, she said, "I assure you, my dynamic life story will one day hit headlines...but most importantly change lives, it just needs to be shared with the perfect person." She was coming to New York City — might I have time to meet with her?

I had moved from the hinterlands to New York myself, 35 years ago, with virtually no professional contacts, so when she closed her note by saying, "Some may think one of the strangest things to do is believe in a stranger, but if not one stranger believed in us, once upon a time, where would we all be today?... someone did it for you."

Yes. Yes they did. So I Googled ‘Zanele’, found a link indicating she was who she said she was, and agreed to meet.

continue reading. . .

A Lesson From A Framed Stolen Menu

I steal menus.  I’ve been stealing them for years––ever since restaurants stopped giving away matchbooks.  I don’t steal from every restaurant––just the special ones, the ones that have a story.  My most cherished menu is from Windows On The World, the lounge that was atop the World Trade Center.  I’ve another from the Plaza Hotel’s Palm Court where I took my goddaughter Clare and her mother for high tea.  Clare was just six months old and I wanted to be the first man to take her to The Plaza.  And there’s the menu from London’s Savoy Hotel where I took my friend Anthony to celebrate his premiere at the Barbican Theater. 

My menu collection, my collection of short stories really, is displayed on the walls of my dining room and, as with every great story, serves as a wonderful conversation opener!

I have my menus framed at The Canvas Peddler over in North Hollywood where Pam has helped me for years.  She manages to turn each menu into a work of art.

My niece Mary graduated in May from the U. of Colorado, Boulder.  She took us to her favorite breakfast joint, “Snooze,” and, of course, I stole a stained menu.  Well, Mary’s now moving into her first apartment back in NYC and as a housewarming gift I decided to have the menu framed. 

I went last week to see Pam only to find out that she’s on vacation.  Marybeth offered to help me.  I recognized her from all my years of going to The Canvas Peddler but presumed she wouldn’t know me.  However, as soon as I mentioned the menu, she exclaimed, “I know you!” and proceeded to reassure me by calling me by my name before I could introduce myself and by listing off what I do.

I was blown away.  Yes, we chatted over the years when Pam helped me but I’m not so frequent a customer that I’d expect her to remember me.  Marybeth just laughed at my amazement saying, “Well that’s the beautiful thing of a being a loyal customer.”

Yes, that’s true but even more I think that Marybeth remembering my name and my collection of menus speaks to her character.  It also speaks to the care she and Pam offer to their customers.  To the quality of their interest in the people who come to them with their “treasures.”

The legendary Dale Carnegie said that the sweetest sound is the sound of one’s name.  I don’t think I ever realized that until Marybeth said my name.

Once again I’m reminded of the most core of core truths – all of business is about relationships! 

Strategy - The Key To Successful Communicating

On the final night of my UCLA class last quarter, Brad told me that he looked forward to every class and had learned a lot.  Then he smiled and said these immortal words: “I still don’t see why I have to change just to please people, so I’m not going to.”

Sadly, Brad didn’t understand that I’m not interested in showing folks how to become “people pleasers.”  Rather, my over-arching goal is to show people how to become smart and strategic communicators.

Strategy.  That’s the key word.

The reason why we communicate is get our needs met and so no one way of communicating fits all scenarios.  If you talk the same way to every person you deal with, then you’re reducing your chances for getting heard and understood.

A friend of mine who is a priest likes to tell the story of his first funeral which was for an elderly parishioner.  Since he’d never presided at a funeral, he was nervous when he went to the funeral home for the viewing.

The funeral director informed him that the deceased was survived by three adult daughters.  When my friend entered the viewing room he immediately went over to one of the daughters, extended his hand, and in a sincere tone of voice said, “I’m sorry for your loss; I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”  The woman smiled and with a wave of her hand said, “That’s okay; he was a mean s.o.b. and we’re all happy to see him go!”

My friend had gone to the viewing on autopilot and said what he thought he was supposed to say.  He didn’t strategize.  He presumed that the daughters needed sympathy and comfort.  But they didn’t.  My friend first should have asked the funeral director about the “emotional temperature” in the room, so as to gauge his words and demeanor.

Just because a certain context calls for a presumed emotion, that doesn’t mean the person(s) involved is going to be feeling that specific way. 

All good communication is about strategizing, which means it’s important to consider these three questions:  Who’s involved?  What’s the context?  What’s my goal?  Answer these questions and you can then strategize how you’re going to approach someone.

This is true in our personal lives and equally true in business where the stakes are high.

Therefore, your primary goal isn’t to please people.  Rather, it’s to create a mutually satisfying relationship.  And that’s done by figuring out how to communicate with the other person in a way that makes it as easy as possible for her or him to hear and understand you.

Only then can your goals have the chance to be mutually satisfied.

Practice Makes - Better!

People often ask me what they need to do in order to become a more effective communicator.  I think what every person has to do is consciously and determinedly practice doing something differently.  The following are reflections from two clients (names changed) that give you a sense of what can happen through focus and determination.

1. Tracey.  “The communication skill I have been working on deals with ‘perception checking.’  One thing that has really stuck with me is the notion that bullies want you to feel intimidated. I’ve been working to stop myself from getting intimidated when attacked at work. In the past, when my boss would start talking over or interrupting me, I would wait until he was done and restart what I was saying. (I was raised in a household where it was very rude to interrupt.) Now, I keep talking. I stand my ground. He doesn’t always hear me right away, but he interrupts and talks over me much less.”

“I also have been asking myself why my boss acts the way he does. For example, last week when he threatened the loss of jobs if results didn’t improve, I asked myself, “What is his goal with this conversation?” From my perspective, I felt like he was being a bully. After doing perception checking, I thought he might be trying to motivate us. I responded by saying that when people threaten my job, it does the exact opposite of motivating me. Instead of just getting angry that he was attacking the team, I was able to voice my feelings and affect how he will try to motivate us in the future. Once he realized that his tactic, rather than the message (results need to improve) was the issue, he changed.”

2. Roland.  “I’ve started to practice better listening in my 1-on-1 conversations with: my Boss, my Direct Reports and my wife.  I’m a very impatient person and get annoyed quickly; as a result I react without thinking things through.  Often times this gets me in trouble.  I realize that if I could be more patient and listen to what the other person is saying I wouldn’t react in such a negative way.”

“I’m consciously forcing myself to be more ‘passive’ in sessions and go prepared to more intently listen and take notes during or right after meetings. I use the notes for my follow-up communication, especially in email.  This helps me pay more attention to things that I would generally ignore.  My wife has noticed the difference!”

“This technique is definitely making me effective in my communication with my direct reports as it’s helped me increase their trust level.”

Want to change?  Practice doing something differently––tenaciously!

The Great Skill Of "Perception Checking"

When not offering communication training, I officiate wedding ceremonies.  Last week I met with Bella (photo not of Bella), so as to finalize the ceremony for her wedding later this month.  When I asked if she still had six bridesmaids, she told me she’s down to five. Seems one of them didn’t make the bridal shower and didn’t tell her beforehand. Since this wasn’t the first time the bridesmaid flaked on a wedding related date, Bella told her that since she didn’t have her back, there was no point in having her remain in the wedding party.

Bella didn’t ask her friend why she’d been consistently flaking on her bridesmaid’s duties. She told me she didn’t have time for drama or excuses. Bella’s actually not a Bridezilla and believed her decision was the honest thing to do. But was it the only thing she could have done?

Often times, what is most obvious is not most true. Bella dismissed her friend without finding out what was going on—was she a thoughtless flake or was there another explanation?

If someone is acting in ways that confuse or frustrate you, rather than presuming they don’t care, take the time to do something that’s known as Perception Checking.

Bella presumed her bridesmaid flaked because she didn’t care, but Bella doesn’t know the real reason because she never checked what was going on. She didn’t check her perceptions.

Perception Checking has four steps:

1.     Ask the person for some time to talk—in person. If not, then by phone. Don’t try this via email or text!

2.     Describe for the person the pattern of behavior that’s confusing you—no judgments or interpretations—just the facts. For instance, in Bella’s situation, her bridesmaid didn’t go with her when she picked out her dress, she didn’t help with the shower, etc.

3.     Offer TWO possible interpretations for why the pattern is happening.  Bella could have said, “I don’t know if work has been busy for you and you haven’t been able to get away or if I’ve done something to hurt you.”

4.     Then ask the person to clarify.  Bella could have confided with, “I’m confused and I want to make sure that you do have my back, so what’s going on?”

If the person says “nothing,” then repeat the steps: state the pattern, offer other possible interpretations and explain why it’s important you understand what’s going on.

Does all this sound stilted to you?  Well, in a way it is since most of us are not taught this skill while growing up.  We learn to be quick to judge.

These four steps, though, will decrease the chances that the person will become defensive and increase the chances that she or he will engage you in open conversation.