How To Make The "Right" Impression

I was at a Starbucks jotting down ideas for this column when I overheard a weathered old man ask a pre-occupied woman, “do you know how to catch a polar bear?”  Before she could answer, he proceeded to tell her!  Life can be delightfully random at a Starbucks.  Life, though, is seldom random at a business meeting where people are wonderfully consistent. 

Last week I sat in on a product development meeting with my new client, Winnie.  She’s fun, articulate and insightful – though at this meeting she seemed to shrink before my eyes.   She was lead on the project, had done her prep and, yet, she was soft-spoken, allowed herself to be interrupted and contradicted, smiled in a humble manner and lacked the energy needed to propel her ideas around the table. 

Later, during our debrief to determine what had happened, she offhandedly mentioned that her father always told her, “The meek shall inherit the earth.”  I’m not brazen enough to contradict The Beatitudes, but I do know that “the meek” don’t get heard at a conference table in 2014!

We often think that “what” we say is more important than “how” we say it.  The truth is just the opposite.  In any given conversation a full 80% of what we pay attention to is the non-verbal – body language, facial expressions, tone of voice.  Only 20% of what we pay attention to is the actual content of what’s said.

What this means is that our body has to match our words and our words have to match our body.  When confused, people will “listen” to our bodies and not our words.

Enthusiasm and conviction have to be embodied so as to create an impression that assures people you know your stuff, you’re competent – in short, that you’re trustworthy.

We bemoan the b.s. artist who advances through the company’s ranks but often, the flim-flam artist gets ahead because he or she is good at creating the “right” image.

I’m not encouraging you to lie or to be someone you’re not.  I am, though, encouraging you not to shrink from who you can be.  If you believe you’re offering value then you need to fully express that value – with your words and your non-verbal.

On October 19^th I’ll be offering a workshop, along with my actor friend, Stacy Edwards, on “Acting Techniques For Business Professionals” over at the “Keep It Real” Acting Studio here in Toluca Lake.  The workshop will help you become: quick thinking on your feet, strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you, creative in managing difficult behavior, confident when making a presentation.

If you’d like more info, please email me.  There are three spots left!

The Power Of "Not Wanting"

Last week I met with two clients who were as different as night and day, though each shared a similar fear.

Leslie is a new referral who’s been out of work for five years.  Her expertise is a niche that was hit hard in the recession.  There are other issues, though, chief among them being her obsession with perfection.

A few years ago her goal had been to become a CPA.  She signed-up for classes and got a steady stream of “C’s”.   Since nothing less than an “A” would suit her, she labeled herself a failure and quit.  She says she still wants to become a CPA but is paralyzed with fear – of “failure”.

Another client, Ella, had just received an exciting job offer – one she wasn’t sure she should take.  For the last five years, Ella’s been working in a comfortable job that hasn’t demanded much from her.  And that’s how she’s wanted it.  She burnt out running her own business and had wanted a job where she could replenish.  She found it, but now she’s afraid – can she take on this new job with all of its challenges?

I have no doubt she can – she’s successfully reinvented herself several times.  But she has the nagging fear, “what if I fail?” – and the even more nagging, “what if I succeed?”

Leslie, too, worries about success and admitted she doesn’t know what she’d do if she became a CPA.  I told her there’s only one way to find out! 

By the end of my session with Leslie, she had tears in her eyes, overwhelmed by it all.  By the end of my session with Ella, she had a big grin on her face, as she knew what she had to do.

Although I’m not a psychologist, I know that within each woman there are deep “issues” stirring.  I think, though, each was wrestling not only with what she wanted BUT also with what she did not want.

Ella reached a place in her life where she no longer wanted to sleepwalk through a job.  That feeling of “not wanting” gave her strength to push aside fear and claim what she did want.

Leslie is at a place where she doesn’t want to let go of her need to be perfect.  To believe that she could live a satisfying life imperfectly, is too frightening a proposition.  She doesn’t want to let go of the image of how she should be and so she’s stuck.

Growing-up we’re often asked, “What do you want to be?”  Maybe, though, the real question is, “What do you not want to be?”  Answer that question and you’ll have the strength to choose your life with courage.

What I Learned This Summer

This past week I finished teaching an eleven-week course at UCLA Extension on “The Dynamics Of Interpersonal Communication.”  It was a remarkable experience for many reasons – and since I haven’t received the class evaluations, I’m presuming that my students also enjoyed the course!

There were twenty-six participants, only four of whom were from the U.S.  They ranged in age from early twenties to late fifties.  They came from Tunisia, Morocco, Romania, Italy, Sweden, Denmark, South Korea, France, India, China, Japan, Indonesia, Philippines and Mexico.  For some, English was their third language.

On the first night, the room was quiet before start of class as each person was focused on their smart phone or tablet, ignoring the person just a desk away.  On the last night of class, the room was a chatter fest, as though these folks had known each other since pre-school.

What accounts for the radical change?  They learned how to have and enjoy a conversation.  Simple as that!

I’m convinced that real learning takes place in a relaxed atmosphere conducive for conversation.  And so each week I’d give them ample opportunities to talk – in pairs and in small groupings.  I’d give them questions that sprung from exercises we’d do related to that night’s focus.  Not role-play – just conversation in which they had the opportunity to talk from their perspective.

In the talking, they surprised each other.  Most came to the course wanting to learn how to be confident when dealing with the stranger, especially in challenging, difficult situations.  While I taught about listening and emotional intelligence and conflict strategies, more than that I invited them to put down their phone and look at the person sitting next to them – not as a stranger, BUT as a person who just might be worth getting to know.

By the last night of class, they figured out how to allow themselves to be surprised with a new way of understanding others as well as their own self.

And what did they learn?  They learned that most people come from families that baffle them.  That most worry about “what will they think?”  That they’re not the only one uncomfortable speaking in public and that everyone longs to be more confident. Everyone resists change – even if they say they don’t. They learned that learning comes from doing. 

They learned the power of story – the power of conversation.  And so they could not help but learn that each person, no matter where they’re from, loves someone, is afraid of something and has lost someone or some thing precious.

They learned, to quote motivational guru Rene Brown, “If I get to be myself, I belong.  If I have to be like you, I fit in.”

Announcing: Acting Workshop For Business Professionals!

Okay, so the photo has nothing to do with this post – BUT, 

now that I have your attention. . .

ANNOUNCING NEW

1 Day WORKSHOP

Sunday, October 19th

“Acting Techniques For Business Professionals”

Effective communication is not only about what you say, it’s about how you say it. 

80% of what people respond to is the non-verbal dimensions of how you’re communicating – posture, facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, inflection.

I often tell my workshop participants that they next need to take an acting class.  So now I’m teaming up with Stacy Edwards, an award-winning actor and acting coach, to present an intense 6 hour workshop that will push your comfort zone (that’s a promise!) as you learn techniques to demonstrate the kind of confidence that’s needed when dealing with difficult colleagues and clients, when presenting new ideas and projects, or when leading a team through grueling deadlines.

You will become MORE:

·      Quick thinking on your feet

·      Accurate when reading non-verbal signals

·      At ease with people different from you

·      Strategic in creating the impression you want others to have of you

·      Aware of the emotions underlying stressful situations

·      Creative in managing difficult behavior

·      Confident when making a presentation

·      Non-verbally assertive

·      Relaxed, expressive and open as you go about your business

Because you’re already good at what you do, this workshop can help you break through to the next point of confidence so you can present more clearly the best of who you are at work and in your personal life.

DETAILS

LIMITED TO JUST 10 PARTICIPANTS

DATE:  Sunday, October 19th

TIME:     9:00pm – 4:00pm

LOCATION:     4444 Lankershim Blvd, Toluca Lake, CA 91602 

(corner of Riverside Dr. and Lankershim Blvd.)

COST:  $125  (check or Paypal)

TO REGISTER or if you have questions?  Email me at:  jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com  OR, hey, give me a call at: 818-415-8115

This is going to be a dynamic, fun, skill-sharpening experience and I’m excited to be co-offering this with Stacy Edwards

Stacy Edwards started her acting career in Chicago theater.  She went on to star in Neil Labute's controversial movie, “In The Company of Men”, a role for which she earned her first Spirit Award nomination and for which she received the “best actress” award at Italy’s International Taomina film festival.  Stacy has worked with some of Hollywood’s most respected directors, including Mike Nichols (Primary Colors), Greg Mattola (Superbad) and Sofia Coppola (Bling Ring).  As a series regular, she played Dr Lisa Catera on “Chicago Hope” and has guest-starred on many of TV’s hit dramas including CSI, The Mentalist, Grey's Anatomy and Hawaii Five-O.  In addition, Stacy conducts workshops for actors based on the Meisner Technique as well as offers private coaching.

The Power Of A Name

I don’t know my paternal grandfather’s first name.  His birth certificate says, “John”, but his baptismal certificate says, “James” while his death certificate says, “Joseph.”  He was thirty-three when he died and my father, his son, was just seven.  Oddly, my father never could recall his father’s name and nor could my grandmother, even though she’d been married to the man! 

The “JP” of my name stands for “Joseph Patrick.”  I’m named after my father, but my mother hated both names.  He insisted, though, that I be named after him.  However, he never called me “JP.”  Instead, he called me “Bobby.”  Lambs were painted on my crib and because a lamb goes “bah-bah,” he called me “BaBa” when I was growing up.  In high school, he slurred it into “Bobby.”   

I come from a family that doesn’t have strong loyalty to names!  Yet, there is power to a name.

Recently, Roxanne, a new client, came to me distraught – she’s been out of work for several years and feels hopeless.  She said, “I don’t know any more who I am.  I’ve lost my dream and I don’t know how to get it back.”

I asked her to tell me who she had been before she lost her job.  Agitated, she said that she couldn’t remember.  And then, she poignantly muttered, “I don’t know if I really ever had a sense of ‘me’.”  She went on to say, “I’m a loser.”

I’m coaching Ron, another client, in public speaking.  He’s intelligent, accomplished, respected and valued as a professional resource by his peers.  He downplays that reality by maintaining, “I am a fraud.”  When he speaks, he talks fast because he doesn’t think he’s worthy of people’s attention.  He’s afraid that people will see him for the imposter that he believes he is. 

I think it’s easy for a person to lose sight of who they are – of who they once wanted to be – and of who they could become.

The TV private eye Remington Steele famously claimed, “I am who I believe myself to be.”  Whether you’re a fictional character or a real person, I think that belief influences just about everything in a person’s life!

Roxanne believes she’s a “loser” and Ron thinks he’s a “fraud.”  I know, though, that she’s not a loser and he’s not a fraud.  Yet, they insist on labeling themselves with names that don’t accurately reflect the reality of who they are. 

Motivational guru Brian Tracy urges people to, “Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true.”  What do you say about yourself?  

Who do you believe yourself to be?  Is it a belief that gives you life or that sabotages your life?

A Labor Day Challenge – Go Big! Go Bold!

Last week I popped into Gelson’s to pick-up a loaf of bread.  Walking by the bakery section, I spotted a bag of dinner rolls and also grabbed those.  The check-out clerk rang up the bread and rolls and then asked me, “For here or to go?”  Huh?  Confused, I said, “To go – don’t think I can eat all this bread in one sitting!”  He smilingly assured me, “The register prompted me to ask – I wouldn’t have on my own.  I’m not that crazy!”  Really?  Given that he “obeyed” the register when prompted to check if I was going to stay and eat a loaf of bread and six dinner rolls does make me wonder if he isn’t a teensy bit crazy!

Next day, I met with a group of managers at Pine Hill Industries (name changed) who were frustrated with inter-departmental communication.  At one point, a manager who’s been with the company twenty years, smiled and said, “Hey, it’s the ‘Pine Hill Way’ and there’s nothing we can do.”  Really?  You can’t develop effective methods? 

Once again I’m reminded of Thoreau’s observation: “There is nothing so rare as an act of your own.”

Last Labor Day, my friend Sue threw a party for folks she hadn’t seen in a while.  With drinks flowing, Ella, one of the guests, mentioned she recently did something she’d wanted to do for a long time and hadn’t allowed herself to do – she started playing guitar again.  And she loved it!

Soon, each of us was confessing to what we had wanted to do for a long time and had simply not gotten around to it.  That’s when we challenged each other – to commit to doing something we’ve put off doing for way too long.

I dubbed this the “Go Big!  Go Bold! Challenge” – and you didn’t have to have a bucket of cold water dumped on you!

A study at the Wharton School of Business found that people are more likely to pursue a goal after a major holiday (for reasons too abstruse to explain here).  Based on Sue’s party, I think Wharton is right, so why not use this Labor Day to create your own “Go Big! Go Bold!” Challenge?

Get together with friends, family and/or colleagues and confess – what have you wanted to do for way too long and have been putting off?  In your own life, in your relationship with your “tootsie-wootsie” or even with your team, or department?

Define your own life.  For as long as you leave your life in the hands of other people (or cash registers or company mottos), you'll never truly live your own life.

Have a dinner roll and dare yourself:  Go Big!  Go Bold!

Thoughts Stirred By Robin Williams' Suicide

Like many of you, I’ve been thinking about Robin Williams and his death has challenged me to reflect on depression and suicide.

Executive coach Richard Leider believes “There are three hungers that people are trying to feed throughout their lives. The first is to connect deeply with the creative spirit of life. The second is to know and express your gifts and talents. The third is to know that our lives matter. Fulfillment comes from feeding these three hungers.”

When I came across this quote two years ago, my knee jerk reaction was to ask myself how deeply am I connected to my creative spirit; how satisfied am I with how I express my gifts; and do I believe that my life matters?

But then I started asking myself harder questions: “Am I aware of feeling hungry or have my senses been numbed?  Do I value my gifts or do I disparage them?  Do I allow myself to feel the weight of people’s care or do I brush off love?”

At the risk of venturing into “TMI” territory, I’ll admit that for much of my adult life I’ve lived and wrestled with clinical depression.  I’ve been fortunate to have a support system, professional and personal, that has bolstered me so that not only can I function, but also I can succeed in so many facets of life.

When people ask me about depression it’s frustrating to explain because almost any explanation can easily sound like self-pitying. 

Perhaps the best way to describe my experience of depression is that it blurs my vision.  I’m not able to recognize what’s in front of me—love, opportunity, gifts, reasons for hope and excitement.  It brings about distortions so that when I say I struggle with depression what I mean is that I struggle with righting a distorted view of life.  Yes, there’s often been a physical struggle to muster energy, but more than that it’s about being able to draw a sense of urgency and commitment from the bounty surrounding me.

Depression essentially makes harder the struggle to mindfully engage Leider’s Three Hungers. 

Occasionally I meet someone who lives life in a way that daily satisfies these hungers.  Yet, I meet so many others who are unable to name their hunger and understand why it makes them restless.  Others know the origins of their hunger but feel hopeless, lacking the “recipe” that will satiate their hunger.  And for others, they simply satisfy their hungers with “junk food” and so become dull.

Depressed or not, the Three Hungers challenge us all.

What about you?  How hungry are you?  How do you satisfy your hunger?  How do you help “feed” the hungry in your life?

The So–Called Randomness Of Life

Driving south on the 101, just before I got to the 110, I passed a building I never noticed before.  Spray-painted on the side: “You deserve the right kind of love.”  I felt comforted, but wondered, “what is the right kind of love?  Is the right kind different for me than for others?”

Later that day, I met with Rita and Peter (names changed) who are getting married next year at a 5-star resort. Rita’s parents are divorced and her father is footing the entire bill. Only catch—if she invites her mother, he won’t pay for the wedding.

Rita wants a wedding that will blow people away but since her father is paying for it all, what can she do? Her father has put her in a seemingly hopeless situation. So, she’s caved and isn’t inviting her mother who lives in Florida.  She’ll have a vow renewal down there sometime after her honeymoon.

Actually, though, Rita’s dad hasn’t put her in a hopeless position. Rita has a choice and she’s chosen to compromise. So as to lessen her guilt, she’s chosen to believe she’s caught in a hopeless predicament.

A couple of days later, while waiting for a haircut, I glanced through an Esquire Magazine interview with the actor Tom Hardy (Dark Knight Rises and scores of films).  The guy stunned me with this quote:  “I have always been frightened with men, to the point where I couldn’t go into a gym because of the testosterone, and I felt weak.  I don’t feel very manly.  I don’t feel rugged and strong and capable in real life, not how I imagine a man ought to be.  So I seek it, to mimic it and maybe understand it, or maybe to draw it into my own reality.  People who are scary, they terrify me, but I can imitate them.  I can stay terrified, or I can imitate what terrifies me.” 

Then, while procrastinating writing this column by cleaning my desk, I found this quote scribbled on a post-it: “95% of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies and we can suffer because we believe all these lies.”  (Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements)

Reflecting on the week’s random moments, I’m now wondering if the “right” kind of love we deserve is the love that allows us to not drive ourselves nuts with self-imposed expectations!  A love “right” enough that we can face down the fear that we’ll be harshly judged if we don’t meet those expectations.

Maybe the right kind of love (for self and others) is the love we take responsibility for.

Deserving the right kind of love means we stop feeling helpless.

National Friendship Day

Sunday, August 3^rd, is National Friendship Day.  I suspect it’ll come as no surprise to learn that Hallmark Cards established the holiday – back in 1919! Enthusiasm for the day waned and by the start of WWII it had faded away.  Then, in 1998, the United Nations named Winnie The Pooh the world’s “Ambassador of Friendship” and so Friendship Day was revived.

I wrestled with writing a post on “friendship”, but thought – what could I say in 450 words that Winnie The Pooh hasn’t already said?!

Then I came across an article by Dr. Sanjay Gupta, in which he writes: “According to estimates by University of Chicago psychology professor John T. Cacioppo, PhD, coauthor of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, at any given time at least one in five people, or roughly 60 million Americans, suffers from loneliness. By this I mean both the acute bouts of melancholy we all feel from time to time, as well as a chronic lack of intimacy—a yearning for someone to truly know you, get you, see you.”

Refusing to believe the statistic – 60 million lonely people – I dismissed the article.  But then it came back to bite me in an unexpected way!

Last week, Madge, a friend of mine, had surgery.  I hadn’t seen her in a while and wanted to visit before the operation.  I said I’d pop in on Tuesday.  Well, things got busy and I couldn’t make it, so I assured her that I’d stop by the next day (surgery was slated for Thursday).  Wednesday was just as hectic BUT I knew I had to visit Madge.  On the way to the hospital I realized I was feeling – annoyed?  Anxious?  I felt out of sorts that I had to squeeze in a hospital visit on top of everything else I had to do.  I was embarrassed.  How could I feel this way since Madge was a friend?

It was a great visit and within minutes I’d forgotten all the “stuff” I was worried about.  Later, I thought on that “60 million lonely people” statistic.  The simple truth is that many of us are lonely because many of us have forgotten what it is to prioritize “friendship”.

This past week I realized that maybe National Friendship Day is actually any day we stop the nonsense of saying “I’m too busy” and simply “find” or “make” time to mindfully luxuriate in the company of a friend.

And at the risk of being totally schmaltzy, I’ll let Winnie the Pooh have the final word: “You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

Speaking Mistakes That Turn Off An Audience From Your Great Ideas

When not giving seminars on interpersonal communication skills, I’m officiating non-denominational wedding ceremonies. (Long story for another kind of post!) Recently, I attended a networking event for wedding professionals. Jack (name changed), the keynote speaker, was introducing a new website aimed at the Millennial bridal market.

Within minutes of Jack’s talking I began to wonder – does this guy know who we are?

Because I coach nervous professionals in how to present themselves in smart, strategic ways, I’m used to dealing with jittery neophytes. However, it’s been a long time since I attended a presentation offered by a supposed seasoned pro who truly “bombed.”

It’s happened to the best of us. It happened that night to Jack. However, in reflecting on his talk, I was most struck by how thorough he was in making the most basic of speaking mistakes. And Jack reminded me why those mistakes are so basic.

So here are the 12 Most basic speaking blunders that will turn off an audience from your great ideas:

Continue reading

A Mid-Year Check-in

July is almost over and so we’re halfway through 2014.  Soon Hallmark Card stores will be premiering their line of Christmas ornaments!  I thought of offering in this posting a review of the ten most important lessons I learned in 2013 with an eye on evaluating how they might help me navigate the rest of 2014.  However, as I reviewed my list, I realized there is really only one great lesson that I (and you) need to keep in mind through the remainder of this year.

And that tip?  Simply this: “NO” doesn’t have to be the final answer.  Rejection doesn’t equate to the decimation of ideas, plans or dreams.

Throughout this year, I’ve been privy to the struggles of folks who have steadily plodded on until they reached their goals – even if, when reached, those goals looked differently from what they’d originally imagined.

Pat (name changed) is a comedy writer who came to LA from NYC with a TV writing gig.  And, yep, within just months, the show folded and he was out of work and luck.  It was an unnerving time for him and his family.  Do they return or not return to NYC?  Does he stick with comedy or play it safe?  Pat had to face the reality that maybe he wouldn’t earn a living from writing funny words. 

Pat decided to live his life “as if” he was employed as a comedy writer.  He set-up a schedule and committed to writing a certain number of jokes per day.  He went on the rubber chicken circuit and submitted unsolicited jokes to late night shows.  He brought schmoozing to a whole new level.  And he did all this in the face of bone-crushing doubt. 

Today, you may very well be laughing at his late night jokes as he’s on staff with one of the shows.

My friend Melissa just signed a contract with a major publisher.  Her first book will be released April 2015.  Hers has been a journey of more than twelve years.  Twelve years of self-doubt, rejections and being faithful to the writing task.

A now client of mine contacted me several months ago.  Among other things, she wanted to hire me for her company’s annual retreat; however, I was booked that weekend.  Last week she called again, wondering if by chance my weekend had opened up.  Turns out, it had freed up as previous clients canceled their event. 

Each of these people encountered “no’s” that had the ring of finality to them.  Yet, each person decided that “No” would not be the ultimate arbiter of reality.

What are your plans and goals for the second half of 2014?  

What are you going to do with them?

Speaking Your Mind – Part 2

In the previous posting, I told the story of Moira, a bride frustrated with her passive-aggressive mom and equally frustrated with her own inability to confront her.  Here’s the strategy I laid out for Moira, so as to be assertive and draw boundaries.

I suggested she first reassure her mother that she was happy she’s interested in the wedding and wants it to be a perfect day. She also needed to reaffirm that when they disagreed, it was not a rejection of her support.

Once Moira reassured her mother that this whole planning process wasn’t a referendum on their love, she moved on to a discussion of the dress and the bridesmaids (source of the most recent argument).

I suggested a script like this:

“I love my wedding dress. I know it’s not the one you liked. It is, though, the one I love and I’m glad you were there when I found it. I’m sorry things got out of hand with the girls.  They didn’t mean to hurt you. I think you know that, too.  They want to speak with you and I hope you let them explain what happened. I’m not getting into the middle of this, though, and I don’t want you to give me ultimatums. I feel that you’re pressuring me to take sides and to punish good friends for what is just a misunderstanding. I don’t want this dress to remind me of something that grew way ugly and way out of proportion. I know you don’t want that, either.”

Although Moira resisted, I urged her to give it a try—it’s not like her mother was going to be more reasonable using any of the old tactics.

Moira reassured her mother that she appreciated everything she was doing and explained that rejecting her suggestions wasn’t a rejection of her. That helped to calm her mother’s insecurities.

However, Moira’s conversation about the dress didn’t go as well. Within a week, though, Moira’s mother realized she wasn’t going to get any traction from harping about the incident.  Eventually, Moira’s mom and the bridesmaids had their talk and she got her apology.

As the wedding drew closer, Moira’s mom tried to stir up more drama but by then Moira felt confident speaking directly to her.  By the time Moira walked down the aisle, she and her mother had laid the groundwork for a healthier way of talking with each other.

And Zach, Moira’s husband, was a relieved man!

Remember: having a hard conversation is hard because we’re not used to this “dance step.” However, no good can come from shouting, shutting down, or manipulating someone we claim to care about. With understanding comes clarity, the bedrock for resolution and healing!

Speaking Your Mind – gulp! Being Assertive

In my last three postings, I’ve highlighted the most common ways in which people deal with conflict.  This week I look at the fourth (and least understood) “dance step”.  Again, this story comes from my experience officiating weddings.

By the time I met with Moira (name changed), she was beyond distressed. The problem was her mother, who criticized almost every choice she’d made in the wedding planning. Moira’s mother expressed her disappointment with tears, tantrums and long silences.

The proverbial final straw was when Moira, her four bridesmaids and her mother went gown shopping. Everyone except her mom fell in love with “the” dress. Apparently, the bridesmaids teased her mom for not supporting Moira in her choice. Later, Moira’s mom broke down sobbing, accusing the bridesmaids of being disrespectful.

She demanded that Moira force her friends to apologize and if they didn’t, she wanted Moira to un-invite them as bridesmaids. Moira refused.  Tears, accusations, and all the stuff of emotional blackmail ensued.

Eventually, her mother admitted that, most likely, the women hadn’t intended to be rude and she may have misinterpreted what they said. Still, she wanted Moira to demand that they apologize.

At the time we met, things were frosty between Moira and her mother. Moira didn’t care if she came to the wedding or not. But, of course, she cared—why else would she cry when she said she didn’t care?

She told me that this was how things went between her and her mother. They argued; didn’t talk; and then got back together—without ever resolving what first led them into not talking. Theirs had been a dance that alternated between being passive and passive-aggressive.

There is, though, one other dance step and that’s to be assertive. You’re assertive when you decide to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs to a person in a clear and respectful way without playing games.

Of all the dance steps, this is the one that most people are unfamiliar with. Yet, it’s the one technique that has the greatest chance of reducing stress and increasing your chances of getting heard.

I suggested to Moira that she have two different conversations with her mother. The first conversation needed to be about the general pattern with which her mother dealt with their disagreements. They had to talk about her emotional blackmail, i.e. unfair demands followed by teary tantrums. Only then could they have the second conversation, which was about the wedding dress incident.

Oftentimes people are difficult because they don’t think they’re appreciated. Most likely, some of that was going on with Moira’s mother.  In my next posting I'll explain how Moira prepared for the conversation with her mom and how it all turned out!