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What No Perfectionist Wants To Talk About

photo: faile.net

My godson, Leo, leaves this week to start his undergrad at a prestigious Chicago university.  Since it’s an expensive school, he and his parents were thrilled when he was invited to interview for a four-year scholarship that is awarded to only ten freshmen.

Leo is bright, articulate and charming.  I knew that if he could contain his nerves and be his proverbial “self,” he’d have done all he could do.

I called Leo’s dad the day after the interview and he told me that Leo was so disheartened that he refused to talk about it.  When gently prodded by his mother, he lashed out, saying it had been a disaster.  I was baffled; even if he had done his worst, it couldn’t have gone as badly as he thought.

Leo’s dad called the dean of freshmen and asked if there was any feedback he could give him or Leo on the interview.  The dean wasn’t able to reveal much except to say that two-hundred students had been invited to interview for the scholarship and that Leo had made it to the final thirty.  He didn’t receive the scholarship, but not because he “bombed” in the interview.

The reality is that it’s so hard to have an accurate sense of our “performance” in an interview, a presentation or even a simple conversation.  It’s even harder when we hold ourselves to a standard of perfection––which is what Leo holds himself to.

He didn’t get the scholarship.  That’s a fact.  He didn’t “bomb.”  That’s a fact; but because he didn’t get the scholarship, Leo equates that with making a horrible impression.  His belief is a fact, but it’s also a fact that it’s an unfair and debilitating belief.  He refuses to acknowledge what he’s accomplished because he has an all-or-nothing attitude.

Life isn’t black-or-white.  It’s seldom lived at the extremes.  You don’t need me to tell you that life is messy.  Success can only be found within that messiness.  And for a perfectionist, that’s hard to take seriously.

Dr. David M. Burns advises, “Aim for success, not perfection.  Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.  Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism.  Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person.”

Leo is going to the university as his parents found a way to make it happen––even though they’re still paying off their own college loans!  I hope Leo learns how to be successfully imperfect during his time in college.  It may just be the best lesson he could learn.

Sometimes Life Really Is Simple

I recently helped out my friend, Sue, with a summer boot camp she ran for the incoming seniors of the high school where she’s the college guidance counselor.  The three-day workshop focused on college application essay writing.

Sue and I have known each other for more years than I care to admit to in public, but we’ve seldom had opportunities to work together.  And so this was a fun treat.  It also gave me the chance to observe her in her “element” and to see her in action.

Here it is the summer and she’s heading up a program for forty teens that are drenched in Valley sweat and an early onslaught of nerves over the college application process.  And through it all Sue is calm, focused, humorous and gracious.

This was the second year for the camp and as she did last year, Sue provided lunch for her team.  And as with last year, everyone appreciated her taking care of them.  Perhaps I’m too jaded but I fully expected to be fed.  Hey, the pay is modest and a worker is worth his or her keep!

What I realized, though, is that the staff is not accustomed to being treated with this kind of appreciation.  They’re just used to brown bagging it, no matter the school function.  For Sue, though, it was a question of hospitality, of caring for those who ultimately are helping her with her job.

I’m reminded of a fable told by the great Indian teacher Anthony DeMello, s.j: “One day, a scorpion stood on the side of a stream and asked a frog to carry it to the other side. 'How do I know you won't sting me?' the frog asked. 'Because if I sting you, I'll drown,' the scorpion said.

The frog thought about it and realized that the scorpion was right. So he put the scorpion on his back and started ferrying him. But midway across the stream, the scorpion plunged its stinger into the frog's back. As they both began to drown, the frog gasped, 'Why?'

The scorpion replied, 'Because it is my nature.'”

And so it is with Sue.  She can’t do anything other than what she does.  As she said to me, “how could I have them help these kids and not feed them?  There’d be no camp without them!”  Sue literally could not not feed us.

Yes, I am biased because Sue is my friend (how lovely to write that) BUT, she’s also a professional who is on top of things and trusts that the people she’s gathered will do what they’re supposed to do and she reminds them – “you’re doing a great job.”

Sometimes, life can be that simple.

How A 16-Year-Old Taught Me The Power Of Words

Last week Pablo, one of my students at UCLA Extension, informed me that he was dropping the course because an unexpected job offer in Miami fell his way.  Although nervous, he knew this was one of those rare opportunities.

I congratulated him for his luck and his courage.  I know how a “rare opportunity” can be life changing as I’d seized such an opportunity soon after graduating college.  I was given the chance to teach at a high school on an island 700 miles south of Guam.

While I have many stories from my years at Xavier High School, this is my favorite.

I arrived a week before the semester’s start.  The principal reviewed with me the class roster, pointing out who was bright or lazy; who was a star or just a pain.  When he came to the name “Augustine” he said that he’d probably not last the semester, as he was a major troublemaker.

I was intrigued––could he be that bad?  By end of the first class it was clear to me that Augustine was the brightest kid in the class––and, yes, the biggest “pain.”

I took him aside and told him that I wasn’t in the habit of taking crap from anyone––especially not a freshman!  I told him that I’d heard he was lazy and that I had no doubt he could do “A” work, which is what I expected.  He was shocked.

As the semester progressed, I kept at him and slowly, steadily, his grades improved from ‘C’ to ‘C+’ to ‘B’ and then, with his final exam, he earned his first ever ‘A.’

I was thrilled that he’d pushed himself to do the caliber of work I knew he was capable of.  And I also felt smug as I proved everyone wrong!

I went looking for Augustine and found him on the basketball court.  I ran up, slapped him on the back and gave him the great news. I told him how proud I was and that I always knew he could do it.

His eyes glistened with tears, something no 16-year-old boy wants.  He said that no one had ever told him, “Augustine, you can do it.”  I was incredulous, yet I later learned that he came from an unusually broken home and that, indeed, most likely, no one had ever told him that he could “do it.”

This was many years ago and today Augustine works in his government’s historical preservation office.

The power of words is the power to create reality.  My words helped to create a new reality for Augustine because they helped Augustine see himself as he truly could be.

Is there an Augustine in your life?

A "Thank-You" Note From a Former Client

I recently had an email from a former coaching client.  Alice (name changed) wrote:

I took to heart much of what you said at our meeting many months ago. As a result of talking with you and taking various classes, there has been and continues to be an internal shift taking place within me that has significantly increased my perception in the value of my skill set and has resulted in my being much braver to venture out on my own in the workplace.  I still work WITH Ray (she used to work “for” him), however, I am in the process of creating my own subdivision within the company. 

Just in case you’re wondering, self-growth sucks-–no better way to describe the process.

PS:  Your advice on how to dress professionally was important to hear and shows that you are brave too!

I was delighted when I read this note––delighted that Alice is seeing the value she brings to the work her husband does and delighted she’s sensing that she can “do it.”

I especially like her description of “self-growth.”  Yes, it sucks!  It is hard work because for most of us, by the time we set about consciously creating new mindsets and new behaviors, we’re so set in our old ways, no matter how dysfunctional, we resist change.

Alice, though, was hell-bent on changing, on finding her voice, on finding a new way of being.  Without being “hell-bent” nothing new will appear.

And in terms of her P.S., well, I was surprised.  Alice has a wonderful, down-to-earth way about her.  She has a hard time understanding why people would waste her time or their time engaging in b.s.  To use an overused word, Alice is genuine.  This is also reflected in her clothes.  She’s in her late 50’s (a guess) and dresses with an LL Bean casualness.  I urged her to think about what impression she wanted to create when meeting clients.

I didn’t think I was being especially “brave” in my comments.  We had established a relationship of trust and so I felt comfortable and confident in giving impression-management feedback.

Trust lets you do many more things you wouldn’t think of doing!

Bottom line: Yeah, self-growth sucks BUT the alternative is even suckier!

The Kindness Of Strangers - The Best Kind Of Kindness

Here is an article from the Harvard Business Review Blog that is heartening in a “pay-it-forward” kind of way AND is spot-on in its insights into the simple skills that go into professional networking and relationship building.

Blanche Du Bois (of A Streetcar Names Desire fame) is again proved right by believing in the “kindness of strangers”!

Make a Stranger Believe in You

by Anne Kreamer  |  HBR February 19, 2013

I recently received an e-mail sent to my business address that began with the salutation "Dear Ms. Anne," — the kind of greeting that suggested that the rest of the note would offer me riches from some recently deceased Estonian cousin I didn't know I had. It continued, "I know you have no idea who I am, however, I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible" — words destined to cause a further sinking feeling about what was to come. But in the seconds I skimmed the note, a few words jumped out at me and I was intrigued. In three short paragraphs, Zanele Mutepfa, a junior at Portland State University in Oregon, told me that she was an immigrant Zimbabwean-born orphan and youth advocate who aspired to be a television talk show host. With a bravado that might have been off-putting, she said, "I assure you, my dynamic life story will one day hit headlines...but most importantly change lives, it just needs to be shared with the perfect person." She was coming to New York City — might I have time to meet with her?

I had moved from the hinterlands to New York myself, 35 years ago, with virtually no professional contacts, so when she closed her note by saying, "Some may think one of the strangest things to do is believe in a stranger, but if not one stranger believed in us, once upon a time, where would we all be today?... someone did it for you."

Yes. Yes they did. So I Googled ‘Zanele’, found a link indicating she was who she said she was, and agreed to meet.

continue reading. . .

A Lesson From A Framed Stolen Menu

I steal menus.  I’ve been stealing them for years––ever since restaurants stopped giving away matchbooks.  I don’t steal from every restaurant––just the special ones, the ones that have a story.  My most cherished menu is from Windows On The World, the lounge that was atop the World Trade Center.  I’ve another from the Plaza Hotel’s Palm Court where I took my goddaughter Clare and her mother for high tea.  Clare was just six months old and I wanted to be the first man to take her to The Plaza.  And there’s the menu from London’s Savoy Hotel where I took my friend Anthony to celebrate his premiere at the Barbican Theater. 

My menu collection, my collection of short stories really, is displayed on the walls of my dining room and, as with every great story, serves as a wonderful conversation opener!

I have my menus framed at The Canvas Peddler over in North Hollywood where Pam has helped me for years.  She manages to turn each menu into a work of art.

My niece Mary graduated in May from the U. of Colorado, Boulder.  She took us to her favorite breakfast joint, “Snooze,” and, of course, I stole a stained menu.  Well, Mary’s now moving into her first apartment back in NYC and as a housewarming gift I decided to have the menu framed. 

I went last week to see Pam only to find out that she’s on vacation.  Marybeth offered to help me.  I recognized her from all my years of going to The Canvas Peddler but presumed she wouldn’t know me.  However, as soon as I mentioned the menu, she exclaimed, “I know you!” and proceeded to reassure me by calling me by my name before I could introduce myself and by listing off what I do.

I was blown away.  Yes, we chatted over the years when Pam helped me but I’m not so frequent a customer that I’d expect her to remember me.  Marybeth just laughed at my amazement saying, “Well that’s the beautiful thing of a being a loyal customer.”

Yes, that’s true but even more I think that Marybeth remembering my name and my collection of menus speaks to her character.  It also speaks to the care she and Pam offer to their customers.  To the quality of their interest in the people who come to them with their “treasures.”

The legendary Dale Carnegie said that the sweetest sound is the sound of one’s name.  I don’t think I ever realized that until Marybeth said my name.

Once again I’m reminded of the most core of core truths – all of business is about relationships! 

Strategy - The Key To Successful Communicating

On the final night of my UCLA class last quarter, Brad told me that he looked forward to every class and had learned a lot.  Then he smiled and said these immortal words: “I still don’t see why I have to change just to please people, so I’m not going to.”

Sadly, Brad didn’t understand that I’m not interested in showing folks how to become “people pleasers.”  Rather, my over-arching goal is to show people how to become smart and strategic communicators.

Strategy.  That’s the key word.

The reason why we communicate is get our needs met and so no one way of communicating fits all scenarios.  If you talk the same way to every person you deal with, then you’re reducing your chances for getting heard and understood.

A friend of mine who is a priest likes to tell the story of his first funeral which was for an elderly parishioner.  Since he’d never presided at a funeral, he was nervous when he went to the funeral home for the viewing.

The funeral director informed him that the deceased was survived by three adult daughters.  When my friend entered the viewing room he immediately went over to one of the daughters, extended his hand, and in a sincere tone of voice said, “I’m sorry for your loss; I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”  The woman smiled and with a wave of her hand said, “That’s okay; he was a mean s.o.b. and we’re all happy to see him go!”

My friend had gone to the viewing on autopilot and said what he thought he was supposed to say.  He didn’t strategize.  He presumed that the daughters needed sympathy and comfort.  But they didn’t.  My friend first should have asked the funeral director about the “emotional temperature” in the room, so as to gauge his words and demeanor.

Just because a certain context calls for a presumed emotion, that doesn’t mean the person(s) involved is going to be feeling that specific way. 

All good communication is about strategizing, which means it’s important to consider these three questions:  Who’s involved?  What’s the context?  What’s my goal?  Answer these questions and you can then strategize how you’re going to approach someone.

This is true in our personal lives and equally true in business where the stakes are high.

Therefore, your primary goal isn’t to please people.  Rather, it’s to create a mutually satisfying relationship.  And that’s done by figuring out how to communicate with the other person in a way that makes it as easy as possible for her or him to hear and understand you.

Only then can your goals have the chance to be mutually satisfied.

Practice Makes - Better!

People often ask me what they need to do in order to become a more effective communicator.  I think what every person has to do is consciously and determinedly practice doing something differently.  The following are reflections from two clients (names changed) that give you a sense of what can happen through focus and determination.

1. Tracey.  “The communication skill I have been working on deals with ‘perception checking.’  One thing that has really stuck with me is the notion that bullies want you to feel intimidated. I’ve been working to stop myself from getting intimidated when attacked at work. In the past, when my boss would start talking over or interrupting me, I would wait until he was done and restart what I was saying. (I was raised in a household where it was very rude to interrupt.) Now, I keep talking. I stand my ground. He doesn’t always hear me right away, but he interrupts and talks over me much less.”

“I also have been asking myself why my boss acts the way he does. For example, last week when he threatened the loss of jobs if results didn’t improve, I asked myself, “What is his goal with this conversation?” From my perspective, I felt like he was being a bully. After doing perception checking, I thought he might be trying to motivate us. I responded by saying that when people threaten my job, it does the exact opposite of motivating me. Instead of just getting angry that he was attacking the team, I was able to voice my feelings and affect how he will try to motivate us in the future. Once he realized that his tactic, rather than the message (results need to improve) was the issue, he changed.”

2. Roland.  “I’ve started to practice better listening in my 1-on-1 conversations with: my Boss, my Direct Reports and my wife.  I’m a very impatient person and get annoyed quickly; as a result I react without thinking things through.  Often times this gets me in trouble.  I realize that if I could be more patient and listen to what the other person is saying I wouldn’t react in such a negative way.”

“I’m consciously forcing myself to be more ‘passive’ in sessions and go prepared to more intently listen and take notes during or right after meetings. I use the notes for my follow-up communication, especially in email.  This helps me pay more attention to things that I would generally ignore.  My wife has noticed the difference!”

“This technique is definitely making me effective in my communication with my direct reports as it’s helped me increase their trust level.”

Want to change?  Practice doing something differently––tenaciously!

The Great Skill Of "Perception Checking"

When not offering communication training, I officiate wedding ceremonies.  Last week I met with Bella (photo not of Bella), so as to finalize the ceremony for her wedding later this month.  When I asked if she still had six bridesmaids, she told me she’s down to five. Seems one of them didn’t make the bridal shower and didn’t tell her beforehand. Since this wasn’t the first time the bridesmaid flaked on a wedding related date, Bella told her that since she didn’t have her back, there was no point in having her remain in the wedding party.

Bella didn’t ask her friend why she’d been consistently flaking on her bridesmaid’s duties. She told me she didn’t have time for drama or excuses. Bella’s actually not a Bridezilla and believed her decision was the honest thing to do. But was it the only thing she could have done?

Often times, what is most obvious is not most true. Bella dismissed her friend without finding out what was going on—was she a thoughtless flake or was there another explanation?

If someone is acting in ways that confuse or frustrate you, rather than presuming they don’t care, take the time to do something that’s known as Perception Checking.

Bella presumed her bridesmaid flaked because she didn’t care, but Bella doesn’t know the real reason because she never checked what was going on. She didn’t check her perceptions.

Perception Checking has four steps:

1.     Ask the person for some time to talk—in person. If not, then by phone. Don’t try this via email or text!

2.     Describe for the person the pattern of behavior that’s confusing you—no judgments or interpretations—just the facts. For instance, in Bella’s situation, her bridesmaid didn’t go with her when she picked out her dress, she didn’t help with the shower, etc.

3.     Offer TWO possible interpretations for why the pattern is happening.  Bella could have said, “I don’t know if work has been busy for you and you haven’t been able to get away or if I’ve done something to hurt you.”

4.     Then ask the person to clarify.  Bella could have confided with, “I’m confused and I want to make sure that you do have my back, so what’s going on?”

If the person says “nothing,” then repeat the steps: state the pattern, offer other possible interpretations and explain why it’s important you understand what’s going on.

Does all this sound stilted to you?  Well, in a way it is since most of us are not taught this skill while growing up.  We learn to be quick to judge.

These four steps, though, will decrease the chances that the person will become defensive and increase the chances that she or he will engage you in open conversation.

A Kind Act Of One's Own

Last weekend I met Marie at a housewarming party.  She is the motherly neighbor of my friends who hosted the party.  When she learned that I officiate weddings and coach communications, she maneuvered me to a table and proceeded to tell me about her daughter, Clarice, who had filed for divorce just six months after her wedding. Marie asked if I would meet with her.

I doubted Clarice wanted some stranger to “reason” with her; but I felt sorry for Marie and agreed. And out of respect for her mother, Clarice, who had moved back in with her mom, also agreed.

When I stopped by the next day, I reassured Clarice that I had no intention of trying to talk her out of her decision; but, since we both agreed to meet, we might as well spend fifteen minutes together. I admitted that it was none of my business, but just out of curiosity, I wondered what had happened in the span of six months to want her to dissolve her marriage.

Embarrassed, Clarice told me that she and her husband Frank had dated since high school. They continued on through college. Everyone just presumed that some day they would marry and once out of college, the pressure was on. She then told me something that initially shocked me: “We didn’t want to disappoint our families and so we decided to get married and we just got caught-up in it all.”

Then one day, some six months later, they realized that while they still loved each other, they had no desire to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

And once again, I was reminded that life can get very whack-a-doo!

The self-help guru from the 1980’s, Leo Buscaglia, maintained that, “Not very many of us are really, in the real sense of the word, alive and living fully. I'm certain that as long as you leave your life in the hands of other people, you'll never live. You have to take the responsibility for choosing and defining your own life.”

As odd as Clarice’s story first sounded, I later realized that she really wasn’t any more “stupid” than most of us are at one time or another in our lives–and I say that respectfully!  I think most of us can be sloppy when caring for our lives, going along with decisions made by others because we don’t want to hurt feelings or accept the consequences of hard decisions.

Ironically, Clarice and Frank deciding to divorce was the kindest and bravest thing they could do because finally, they were choosing and defining their own lives.

What about you?  What kind, brave thing can you do for yourself?

How One Company Banned Inter-Office E-Mail!

Here is another great insight into how we can manage and not succumb to the 24-7 headache that is e-mail.  This is courtesy of Fast Company. . .

Why Nara Bans Inter-Office Email In Favor Of Intimate, Real-Life Face Time

By: Colin Weatherby

Unlike many technology companies, Nara is a place where simplicity and face-to-face interaction are still king. Founder and CEO Tom Copeman started the company with the intention of humanizing the web and how we find information. Considering this goal, it seems logical that he would also design an office culture that reflected a commitment to human interaction.

At Nara, you won’t find any employee sending emails across the office to their colleagues. Communication is done the old-fashioned way-- with a quick stroll and a conversation. This rule isn’t just a one-dimensional gimmick for improving social skills, it’s also based on science and how the brain responds to varied stimulation.

Citing new research as a major influence on company policy, Copeman believes that physical movement actually keeps the brains of his employees alert and creative--some companies have even decided to take this idea to the next level with full-blown exercise breaks throughout the day.

There’s another element to this decision that’s so obvious it is easy to overlook: This approach keeps things simple. “I really have this philosophy that if you can’t say something very simply--especially when you’re trying to get buy-in and communicate what you are feeling and thinking--it’s too complex and you don’t understand it yet,” says Copeman.

Perhaps surprisingly, leadership has met little resistance from the staff. They have embraced the ethos and routinely tell him that their time at the Nara office is the most fulfilling part of their day.

So what about you? How can you change your own e-mail habits?

How To Be A Genuine Stand-Out

I recently participated in a college application workshop for high school juniors.  At one point I asked for a show of hands as to who looked forward to applying to college. Out of fifty students, no one raised their hand.  Then I asked how many were nervous.  Fifty hands shot up!  Their driving fear could be reduced to: “I don’t want to be judged” and its flip side, “I don’t want to be rejected.”

I later told this story at dinner and of the six people at the table (aged 27-49), no one said that they’d been excited to apply to college. They each shared stories of how they didn’t enjoy revealing so much about themselves to strangers.  Yep, they didn’t like being judged.

Back in 2009, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates met with students from Columbia Business School for an event that aired on CNBC. While they offered advice on an array of topics, none was more simple than when Buffett said: “You will increase your value by half a million dollars if you just learn how to communicate at work. . . business is being able to close a deal and sell a deal and build relationships.”

Buffett honed in on the truest of truths––the world works because of relationships.  And relationships are grounded in quality communication.

Which brings us to interviews—in person, by phone, or by video.  An interview is another opportunity to present yourself, to tell something of your story to people who are interested in you. 

When you think about interviewing, what is your #1 fear?  Is it that you’ll be judged?

I understand the whole “I don’t like being judged” thing.  And truth be told, it’s a fear that I, too, have confronted many times in countless situations.  What I have also learned, though, is that a huge part of respecting myself is being willing to recognize and “own” what makes me “me.”  What makes me unique and interesting to be around.

This isn’t being arrogant; it’s simply laying claim to the experiences that have helped to shape me.

I coach business professionals in their communication skills.  So many, too many, people are awkward and self-conscious and fumbling talking about their ideas and about themselves.   They’re afraid to distinguish themselves.  They’re afraid to stand out and shine.  They’re afraid of being judged.

But, an interview, every interview, everywhere, with everyone, is an opportunity for you to practice speaking on your own behalf.  Engaging people with your ideas and insights.

Trust me––you’re more interesting than you can imagine!  Don’t be intimidated by an interview.  Welcome it as both an opportunity and a challenge.  This is how you’ll learn to be a genuine stand out!

The Power Of Velcro

I subscribe to the Writer’s Almanac Newsletter which daily sends a poem and brief profiles of noted persons in the arts and sciences who were born or died that day or whose seminal work was unveiled to the public on that date.

The poems are nourishing and the biographical info is consistently interesting.

Here’s a piece from May 13^th––the day in 1958 on which Velcro was patented.  I am in awe of Mestral’s patience and faithfulness to his idea.  I’ve challenged myself by asking, “what could I accomplish with such patience and conviction?”

It was on this day in 1958 that Velcro was patented. Velcro was invented by Georges de Mestral, an electrical engineer from Switzerland. Mestral was a born inventor — he applied for his first patent when he was 12 years old, for a model airplane.

Besides being an engineer, Mestral enjoyed mountain climbing, and in 1941 he went on a hunting trip with his dog in the Alps. He hiked through patches of burdock. Burdock is a thistly plant whose roots are used in cooking, especially in Asia; but the plant spreads its spiny seeds by latching them onto anything or anyone passing by. 

When Mestral got home, he was picking the burs off his dog's coat and his own clothes, and he wondered how burdock was so effective. He put the seeds under his microscope, and saw that each bristle was a tiny hook that was able to catch in the loops of clothing. He realized that by copying burdock he could create a way to simply bind materials together.

Most people Mestral told about his "hook and loop" cloth thought that his idea was stupid, but he kept on with it. It took him 10 years to get it right. With the help of a talented weaver, he was able to make a workable product, but the cotton didn't hold up to wear. Then he discovered that nylon sewn under infrared light made the perfect set of loops — but that meant sewing hundreds of loops per inch, a slow and inefficient task. Eventually, he was able to mechanize the whole process, and 10 years after his walk with his dog, he applied for a patent for his invention: "Velcro," which combined the French words velour (which means velvet) and crochet (which means hook).

So what about you?  What could you accomplish with the conviction of Mestral?

How Are You Doing With Your New Year's Resolutions?!

 

It’s June.  Next month, Hallmark Cards will unveil their 2013 Christmas ornaments collection!  Yes, we’ve reached the halfway point in this “new” year.  What about those New Year’s goals you set up for yourself?  Where are you in bringing them to life? 

Although many of us make new year’s resolutions with determination and enthusiasm, often it’s not obvious what our goals should be or even what we want to accomplish, but consider this. . .

If you want to change something in your life, it's common to try to stop the behaviors you don't like. While this certainly seems logical, it seldom works. The reason is simple - it unintentionally creates a vacuum where the old behaviors used to be. And since nature hates a vacuum it will fill it with anything it can find - usually the very behaviors you're trying to stop since they're so familiar. Instead of stopping certain behaviors, try focusing on the new behaviors you want and need to develop. Eventually, with practice, these new behaviors will replace the old ones.

I had a client who was condescending with staff members and she wanted to change how she interacted.  When she asked for my advice (in what I thought was a condescending tone!), I said, "Instead of coming off as superior and stand-offish, what do you want to be?  How would you like to be perceived?"  She looked at me blankly and said, "I'm not sure.  I never thought about it that way"  "Good!  Then let's start there," I said.

There are three steps to setting communication goals for your self:

1.     Notice any pattern in either your personal or professional life where you say you've got to stop communicating in a certain way.

2.     Think about the way(s) in which you want to start communicating in that arena.

3.     Be specific. Write down the exact things you want to do.

Sabotaging yourself with negative thinking?

In his book, Learned Optimism, Dr. Martin Seligman wrote about a psychological phenomenon that he discovered based on his 25 years of research: Virtually every person has one or more areas where they feel unable to do something that they really want to do. They’ve developed habits of thought that hold them back from reaching their full potential. Seligman called this "learned helplessness."

He conducted dozens of experiments to demonstrate how animals can be trained to feel that they’re helpless. In one, he put a dog into a cage with a glass wall that separated it from a bowl of food. The dog was hungry and tried to get at the food by banging its nose on the glass. After several hours, Seligman removed the glass. And what happened then? The dog, who was still hungry, sat only a few inches away from the food and never even attempted to eat it. The animal had become convinced that it was incapable of getting to the food. So even when the obstacles were removed, it just sat there hungry.

As you think about your communication goals, are you stuck in trying to name those goals? Have you convinced yourself that you’re incapable of reaching a goal that's important to you?  

If negative thinking is holding you back, keep in mind that it is nothing more than a bad habit that you developed somewhere along the line. And all dysfunctional habits can be replaced with healthy ones.

Want help in gaining clarity for reaching your most persistent goal?  Send me an email and let’s begin a conversation:

jp@jpr-communications.com