A Graduation Letter To Mary, Clare and Kristin

Last week my niece Mary graduated from the University of Colorado, Boulder.  In the coming weeks my goddaughter Clare graduates from Georgetown and, Kristin, from USC. 

Julie Andrews spoke at Mary’s graduation and she was, well, Julie Andrews––warm, funny, smart and compassionate.  Later that day, I sat in my hotel room trying to write something just as inspirational to Mary, but words failed me. I’ve since tried writing to Clare and Kristin but continue to fumble. 

Graduations are a time for wishing, hugging and drinking all to excessive degrees!  They’re a time for attempting to say witty and profound things that sound earnest, but inevitably are clichéd.  They’re a time for giving thanks for the past while holding our collective breath as we hope for each graduate a dazzling future.  Recognizing all this, I’d like to use this post as an open letter to Mary, Clare and Kristin. . .

My favorite book in high school was “David Copperfield” whose very first sentence reads: “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.” 

That is my wish for you, Mary, Clare and Kristin––that you each become the hero of your own life. 

I’ve worked to become the hero of my life and, knowing the parents who raised you, I think each of them, consciously and unconsciously, has striven mightily to become the hero of her or his own life.

How do you become that hero?  One of my college mentors, Anais Nin, wrote: “Never crystallize. Remain open to change, renewal, adventure, experiment.”

With varying intensity and generosity those words have been my guiding mantra for four decades.  As I’ve struggled to not crystallize, as I’ve risked becoming that hero, I’ll admit that I’ve often confused myself as I’ve challenged myself!  I’ve dared myself and sabotaged myself.  I’ve met good, wonderful, bright, creative people––strangers who became my friends, some for a little while and some for the long haul.  I’ve met people who baffled me, amazed me, challenged me, taught me and enlightened me.  People who held me up with kindness and wisdom.  And there were some whose words and actions or silence and density confused and angered me.    

And in the refusing to crystallize, which is the only real heroic adventure, I’ve often failed stupidly and miserably, hurting people no one should hurt.  But, by daylight and in dark, I’ve been nourished and fattened with tender, whacky stories that have cheered, confused and astonished me.  Stories that constantly have not allowed me to forget or deny that life is good and worthy of my best.

Mary, Clare, Kristin, today I hug and toast you, and forever quietly cheer you on as you each continue to become the hero of your own life!

The Power Of "Thank You"

I began writing this post with the TV on in the other room.  Sitting at my desk, I can hear updates on the search for Bomber Suspect #2.  And so I’m writing this with a steady stream of horror as background noise.  There’s already been much said and much written that I don’t think it seemly for me to add what amounts to my two cents.  And yet, I struggle with how I can put this post into some kind of context for this past week.

The clichés come rushing out––life is unpredictable; life is short; Carpe Diem.  They’re clichés because they’re true, but because they’re clichés, even in the face of numbing images, they lack a rattling call to action. 

The novelist Reynolds Price, had one of his characters, Roxanna Slade, reflect on how “very few human beings of any sex or background are called to anything grander than dinner.”  I think this is true, although those who with generous instincts helped and rescued the injured are those few called to a more heroic moment of being human.

But still the question remains for the rest of us––how do we, you and me, mark the ordinary routine of our lives with integrity and grace?  Well, here’s my one, small but not insignificant suggestion––that we, you and me, say “thank you” to as many people as possible each and every day.  By looking people in the eye and thanking them for their help, their ideas, their efforts, and, yes, even for doing what they’re paid to do but because they do it so well and so seemingly effortlessly.

Years ago I lived in a part of the Pacific known as Micronesia.  Yap is one of the island nations in that region.  My favorite Yapese word is “hosachigachig.”  It literally means, “you are tired” and it’s the Yapese word for “thank you.”  I love the simple directness of the word because, if you think about it, when you say “thank you” to someone, you’re acknowledging that they’ve exerted themselves in some way or manner for you.

It’s been said by “experts” in the fields of criminology and psychology, that when you strip away political and religious motivations from those who execute heinous criminal deeds, you are looking at individuals who are consumed with a raging demand to be recognized.

You can argue with the “experts” but what is true is that each of us yearns to be seen and recognized.

In the face of the horror of so many violent demands to be recognized, what is more human than to set about recognizing the people in our lives with habitual “thank yous”?

How many people have you thanked today?

Dreaming Big

This past week two of my friends experienced the unexpected force of loss. For one it was the death of her father and for the other it was the news that her soul mate is riddled with cancer.  The news of each combined with the fact that my friend asked me to conduct her dad’s memorial, has put me in a meditative mood.

Some time ago I clipped this short, short story by William Bausch:  

“An old man approached the 19^th century poet and artist Dante Gabriel Rossetti and asked him to look at his portfolio to see if his work showed potential talent.  After looking through several sketches, Rossetti very gently told the elderly man that the pictures had little value and showed little talent.

Disappointed but not surprised, the old man asked if the artist might look at a few more drawings done by a young art student.  As he looked at each creation, Rossetti became enthusiastic in his praise.  ‘This young student has great talent and should be encouraged.  Who is the artist?’

The old man said, ‘This is my work from forty years ago.  If only I had heard your praise then!  For you see, I got discouraged and gave up too soon.’"

I like this story because it reminds me that dreaming big has two, often overlooked components.  The first is that in order to dream big, you need to be kind to yourself.  Without kindness, you can’t nurture that BIG dream so as to let it give you life and energy, no matter if you receive discouragement or no encouragement.  Without kindness, you’ll walk away from your dreaming self.

If you think about it, which was sadder––that no one encouraged the painter when he was a young man OR that he allowed the lack of encouragement to stifle him?  I think the real tragedy is that he couldn’t muster enough kindness to offer to his own talent.

The second overlooked component is that if you’re dreaming big then you have an obligation to encourage other big dreamers, and especially to encourage those who are afraid to dream big.

To be obsessed with your dream and not hear or see or sense the dreams of others turns you into a megalomaniac and not a dreamer.

Last December, George Whitman, legendary owner of the beloved Parisian bookstore “Shakespeare and Company” died.  At his funeral, the novelist Jeanette Winterson said he lived in such a way that made many a person ask, “Why should I be afraid of life?”

Indeed, life’s too short to be afraid of life––to be afraid to dream big. 

What about you?  Are you living the life of a Big Dreamer?

Mature Confidence

Last week one of my UCLA students remarked that he used to be more confident when he was younger and he wondered why he lost that confidence.  Then at Easter brunch, the topic of “confidence” came up.  The woman sitting across from me said, “Oh, I used to be so much more confident when I was younger.”  Then someone else chimed in, “I know what you mean; I’m the same way.” 

A couple of random conversations?  Yes, but––since January, I’ve had probably more than a dozen conversations with people, each of whom shared that they don’t feel as confident as they used to. 

It’s got me thinking about how confident I am.  While there’s a part of me that feels more confident in the skills I’ve developed over the years; there’s another part of me that feels less willing to try new things because I don’t feel confident in succeeding.  Oh, how we complicate our lives!

My UCLA student wondered if he’s less confident now because he knows more than when he was younger.  Others have wondered if they’re less confident because they’re less idealistic.  And my Easter brunch friend admitted it might have to do with her being less impetuous.

No one of these people could pinpoint what he or she meant when saying they felt “less confident.”  It was simply a feeling they each had.  I was surprised because each was successful in significant ways.  And in the case of three of them, they came to the States to study.  You don’t decide to live in another country, whose language is not your first, without having confidence.

So what does it mean to have confidence?  I think it simply means this: to know your strengths and to acknowledge your weaknesses.  Relying solely on your strengths and refusing to admit your weaknesses, leaves you being vain and bombastic.  Focusing on your weaknesses and not owning your strengths leaves you with a disabling sense of modesty.

Maybe the challenge is that when young, we tend to focus on our strengths and when older we become more aware of our failings and so think we lack confidence.  With age, though, comes an opportunity to genuinely experience confidence.   

Mark Goulston, Ph.D. defines maturity as: “being able to fully experience disappointment (vs. denying it) and fully ‘taking the hit,’ without becoming angry at someone else or yourself, making excuses, complaining, whining or feeling sorry for yourself and then fully committing yourself to a solution.”

If you think about it, isn’t confidence all about maturity?  Taking responsibility and believing that no matter what, good can come from the power of being responsible––now that’s confidence.

What about you––how confident are you feeling?

The 10 Commandments Of Good E-mail

Based on feedback from people with whom I’ve had conversations, it seems my previous columns on “respect” pressed a nerve.  I had several debates over whether “respect” is something that we have to earn or we should expect.  And while opinions differed on just what constitutes “respect” most people I’ve spoken with believe that at work they don’t get the respect they deserve.

Interestingly, a recurring complaint revolves around the volume of annoying and disrespectful e-mails people receive.  Many of you feel overwhelmed with poorly written, rude in tone e-mails.

E-mail is a great communication tool when used properly.  However, when used inappropriately it can cause communication problems and unnecessary stress.

Here are 10 Tips to reduce e-mail confusion:

1.  E-mail should not be used as a substitute for face-to-face conversations.  The tone of an email can easily be misunderstood since e-mail lacks the verbal and visual cues of a conversation.  Problems and issues should be discussed in person or on the phone and not via e-mail.

2.  Don't write in ALL CAPS as it’s cyber shouting.

3.  Never send an email when you're angry. Take time to cool down and re-read the email to make sure it doesn't say anything you’ll regret later.

4.  Respond promptly to e-mails asking for your assistance.  If you aren’t able to help the person immediately, let them know when you can give them the help they’ve requested.

5.  Use the “reply all” button only when “all” need to know the info you’re sending.  If you receive an email that was sent to a group of people, reply only to those who require a response. Often times, the only person who needs a response is the sender.

6.  Copy only those people who really need to know the information in the e-mail. 

7.  Send an e-mail to confirm and/or document decisions made in a face-to-face meeting.  This will prove helpful if there are any misunderstandings down the road.

8.  Never put “No Subject” in the subject line.  The subject line indicates both the content and importance of the e-mail. Keep it brief, specific and relevant, or the receiver might not open the e-mail or may even delete without reading it!

9.  Think twice before sending humorous messages. A “funny” e-mail may seem funny to you, but it could insult someone else. E-mails that may be perceived as insulting, harassing or biased could be forwarded to others without your knowledge. Don't send anything you wouldn't want posted for all to see.

10.  Don't be a nuisance. If you don't receive a response after sending an e-mail, either send a different e-mail explaining why you’re following up, or call the person.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Part 2

Years ago I taught high school on the island of Moen in the South Pacific.  The school had nine languages represented and an international faculty.  I learned much about my self and life––one of those things being that humor doesn’t easily translate from culture to culture.

I’ve a twisted New York sense of humor and enjoy teasing people.  One day Ernie, a teacher from the Philippines, point-blank asked, “JP, why do you hate me?”  Stunned, I reassured him that I didn’t hate him.  But he proceeded to enumerate various times I joked with him, all of which he took as proof I despised him.   

Ernie interpreted what I said in a certain way, i.e. that I hated him.  He then turned his interpretation into a fact, after which he confronted me with the “fact” and demanded an explanation.  Only problem––it wasn’t a “fact” that I hated him.  My humor was not intended to hurt him, though that was its impact.

Last week I told you about Louise who thinks her supervisor, Anthony, doesn’t like her.  However, she doesn’t know that for a fact because she’s never talked with him about their relationship. 

Louise (and Ernie before her) is doing what so many of us do––she’s treating her interpretation of a situation as a “fact” when it’s not.  So, I’m urging Louise to do something called “perception checking.”  It’s a type of conversation where you seek clarity from the person whose actions are confusing you.  It goes like this:

First ask the person for time to talk.  It’s best to do this in person and not by email!  Second, describe the behavior that’s confusing you, without attaching any judgment to it.  In Louise’s case, she might say, “Anthony, you yelled at me in front of my team, you didn’t inform me of an important client meeting and you’re slow to return my calls.”  Third, offer  at least two possible interpretations for why the person is behaving in this manner.  “Anthony, I don’t know if you’re stressed and feel safe taking it out on me or if I’ve done something to offend you or if there’s something else going on.”  Fourth, ask the person to clarify. “So, Anthony, what’s going on?  Please help me understand.”

Is this an easy conversation to have?  No.  However, it gives the other person an opportunity to non-defensively explain their behavior.  If, though, the person, simply says, “nothing is going on” then repeat the steps until the person is able to offer some insight.

The beauty of this technique is that it helps to separate intent from impact and helps us get out of the soap opera we so easily create in our heads. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T : Part 1

This past week I’ve had nine clients vent to me their frustrations over not being respected––by bosses, colleagues, direct reports, and a mother-in-law!  My week was filled with the refrain, “I don’t feel respected!”

Each of these men and women feels hurt, angry, confused and each has reached the point where he or she feels like they can’t take it anymore.  And adding to all of this is a feeling of helplessness.  While each has handled his or her own situation differently, no one feels confident.

Five of the people opted not to say anything.  Two got in the other person’s face.  One found the courage to assertively confront her boss and another decided to respond with sarcasm and walk away.

One man claims he’s gained valuable insight into his boss’ unpredictable mood swings, but wishes he had been more assertive. One woman, who did find the courage to assertively address her boss’ irrational and demeaning demands, isn’t sure where she found the nerve and is surprised that her boss has backed off.

There are no hard and fast rules for communicating effectively.  You constantly need to assess who is involved, what’s the situation and what’s your goal.  You can’t figure out how to attain your goal unless you know what it is.

The issue of respect (or lack of it) is so pervasive amongst my clients and students that I’ve decided to devote several posts to the topic.  This week I want to look at how so many of us are afraid to confront a person whom we think is disrespectful.

Louise (name changed) works for a small firm owned by her brother.  She directly reports, though, to Anthony and her problem is with him.  Louise doesn’t think he respects her.  Although she feels disrespected, she actually doesn’t know how he feels about her because she’s never talked with him about their relationship.  Why?  Because she doesn’t want to upset him––even though she continues to feel upset about the way he treats her.

When I suggested I moderate a conversation between them, she almost started to hyperventilate.

But, here’s the thing––she only has two options.  She can continue to say nothing and nurture her fantasies of being emotionally abused and then one day explode, after which she’ll be labeled a b*tch.  Or, she can have a non-accusatory, non-manipulative conversation by which to clear the air.

Louise offered me a battery of “yes, buts” that make perfect sense since she’s not used to expressing her feelings in a non-explosive way.  But having that tough conversation is what real respect is all about.

Next time I will show you how to confront someone who’s being disrespectful.

New Year's Resolutions One Month Later

Melissa is a colleague whom I admire.  Every time we meet at a function, though, we end by saying, “we must do lunch” and then never do.  Last week she called and we finally did lunch.  Melissa told me that she’s hell-bent on going through her list of fav people and getting together with each person by Valentine’s Day.  This was her only resolution for the New Year. 

Although I’ve posted my thoughts about New Year’s resolutions, in light of Melissa’s enthusiasm, I thought I’d check-in with you and ask––“how’s it going?!”

I recently found out that February is National Self-Esteem Month.  I’m really not a fan of all these “national this-and-that” month or day, BUT it does seem appropriate that self-esteem month comes a month after we’ve all made some wonderful and often unfulfilled resolutions.

There’s a host of reasons for why we don’t keep resolutions, just ask Drs. Drew, Oz and Phil!  However, I think one reason is that we’re afraid of what would happen if we did keep a resolution.

In an odd way, many of us are afraid not just of failing, we’re also afraid of succeeding.  “What would life look like if I accomplished something good for myself?”  That’s a scary question because if you answer it honestly you’d have to take ownership of your life, of not playing victim, or seeking out pity.  And for many people, there’s also a lingering sense that they don’t feel worthy, deserving of success and well-being.

David, a friend of mine with great magical abilities, told me that his goal this year is to, “be less afraid of being confident.”  I love that because with confidence comes greater self-esteem and success.

A new coaching client told me that honing his communication skills is one of his top three priorities for the year.  From a business standpoint, I was grateful, but from a personal standpoint I was challenged as he got me thinking about my priorities for this year.

I must admit they seemed clearer a month ago than they do today!  And maybe that’s because I never wrote them down.  Studies show that you have a greater chance of reaching a goal if you actually write it down.  I’ve done that and I encourage you to join me.  It’s really simple––all you have to do is complete these three sentences:

The most important thing I have to do this year is. . .

The second most important things is. . .

The third most important thing is. . .

If you’re stumped and don’t have anything important to commit to, then I would ask, what are you really afraid of?  Failure or success?

“Should”–The Single Most Unrealistic Word

Last week I coached a trio of mid-level managers who enjoy pressing each other’s buttons and sabotaging each other’s work. Don’t ask!

Betsy (name changed) reassured me that given the horrific conditions at work there’s no way I could help her.  She went on to say that she’s frustrated when she talks with the people on her team.  She sighed, “When I tell them to do something, they should do it.  I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.”  Really––how realistic is that?  She proudly told me that if she and her brothers didn’t do what their parents asked, then there were consequences. 

While it’s true that companies can take on the dynamic of a family, they really aren’t a family.  Parents might be able to get away with the “or else” mandate, but workers are seldom motivated by fear.  Fear doesn’t get you to the finish line.

Betsy said that her team knows they can come to her any time with questions.  When I asked if they do come to her, she looked annoyed.  “No, of course they don’t. They’re too lazy.”  Hmm––the problem is that most people don’t feel comfortable asking questions of a person whom they fear.  And I’ve no doubt that her team fears Betsy.

I read an article (whose author I forget) that maintained, “three is the new one.”  The author claimed it takes three times for a worker in today’s workplace to grasp what you’re saying because no matter how important it is what you’re telling a co-worker, your message is competing with so many others.

Saying something is not the same as communicating.

While each of us has a responsibility for letting the other person know if we don’t understand them, it’s also true that you have a responsibility to make sure that you know if the other person hasn’t understood you.  Telling a worker to “see you” if they have any questions just isn’t enough.  Most people are embarrassed to ask questions and won’t!

So, what can you do to gain insight into whether the other person has understood you?  There are three things you can do:

1.     Have the person repeat back in their own words what it is you’re asking them to do.  If they can’t, then they don’t understand what they’re supposed to do.

2.     If the project extends beyond three days, decide on a time when the two of you will touch base and make sure things are on schedule. 

3.     Reassure them that you genuinely want them to come to you with questions.

To insist that you “shouldn’t” have to repeat yourself is unrealistic and only leads to the frustration of not having your expectations (unrealistic) met.

New Feature! "Quotable Friday"

The other night I gave a talk to a group of high school juniors––on how to prepare for college.  The gist of my talk was that the best way to prepare is to make sure that you become a person who is able to recognize and embrace opportunity whenever and wherever it presents itself.

I ended with one of my favorite quotes––the first sentence of Charles Dickens’ “David Copperfield”:

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.

I concluded with the hope that they’d each become the hero of their own life.

Now, this post is actually not about becoming the hero of your life.  However, in thinking about how I want to use this blog this year, I was reminded that since college I’ve collected quotes––quotes to inspire and prod me in my thinking and living.  I’ve got them scribbled in notebooks and index cards and truth is, many of them I’ve not looked at in a very, very long time!

So, I’ve decided to dust off the quotes and create what I’m calling “Quotable Friday.”  Each Friday I’ll share five of my favorite quotes––favorites for any and all reasons––in the hope that at least one will give you a “whack on the head” and get you thinking and seeing in a way you haven’t before.

Enjoy!

1.     Never say anything about yourself you do not want to come true. (Brian Tracy)

2.     We know what we are, but know not what we may be. (Shakespeare)

3.     Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. (Mark Twain)

4.     If we did all the things we are capable of, we would literally astonish ourselves. (Thomas Edison)

5.     Fall seven times.  Stand up eight. (Japanese proverb)

Happy New Year! Happy 2013!

“And now we welcome the new year, full of things that have never been”

― Rainer Maria Rilke

We never know the impact we have on another person.  Yep, it’s a cliché, BUT I was reminded of its truth yesterday when I received an email from a former UCLA Extension student. 

Because of her work schedule, Vanessa missed almost half the classes and I presumed that she took little, if anything, away from the course (Interpersonal Communications).  And so I was puzzled when I found her email.  Again, I just presumed she was looking for a favor, perhaps a recommendation. 

The email contained just one sentence:

“Thinking of everything I learned in your class and feeling oh so very grateful for the positive impact it's been in my life......HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!”

Beyond surprised, I felt grateful––and happy that I actually reached a person whom I had written off.  Ah, life!

So here it is a new year and like Vanessa, I think the best and happiest way to make a new beginning is by giving thanks for all that we take into this new beginning.

At the start of this new year, what are you grateful for from 2012? 

Have you thanked the people who gifted you in 2012? 

Believe me, an unexpected “thank you” is a much-appreciated gift!

The Gift Of A Candle-Bearing Rabbit

Ever since he was three my godson Finn (11) and I have had the tradition of getting a Christmas tree and decorating it.  His mother gives us free reign.  On Friday, I met Finn after school and, as we’re walking towards my car, he suddenly ran off after a kid who was a block away. When Finn caught up with the kid he gave him a hug and then ran back to me.  Matter-of-factly Finn told me that he gives one person a day a special hug. 

We got the tree quickly as Finn spotted the perfect one in the first row we walked down.  We drove back to his mom’s and the part I dreaded–lugging the tree inside.  I assigned Finn to the front of the tree.  While he huffed and grunted, he reassured me it wasn’t too heavy.  

We then headed back out for lights and some new ornaments.  First stop was Pier 1 where Finn was interested in everything but the ornaments.  Finally, he came up to me lugging a brass rabbit holding a lantern with room for a tea light.  I was annoyed as we were pressed for time and this wasn’t a Christmas decoration.  “Too expensive,” I snapped, but he insisted his mom would like it. 

My patience frayed, we went to a drug store where we loaded up on stuff.  I’m thinking that maybe we can pull this off when he says, “I really want the rabbit.”  I’d hoped he’d forgotten about it; but for some reason, he was taken with it.  When I asked why he liked this rabbit, he said he didn’t know.  “Fine, then I’m not going to waste my money.” 

“Okay, I’ll tell you,” he said all panicked. “I like the rabbit cause he looks like he’s bringing a gift.  He’s bringing light and my mom likes candles.  It’s like he’s giving her a candle gift for Christmas.”

I was floored.  Still, though, it was expensive.  To test just how much he wanted this, I explained that the rabbit would count towards his Christmas gift and that I’d deduct the price from what I was going to spend on his gift.  Without hesitating, he said, “That’s okay.”  And so we returned for his rabbit.

Since Thanksgiving I’ve been complaining that I’m not in a holiday mood.  Until now––until Finn let me see the holidays through his eyes.

You give someone a hug each day.  You help lift what needs to be lifted, no matter how heavy.  And like a winter rabbit you gift people with light.  I’m not going to say this is easy to do, but if Finn can do it, why can’t I?  Why can’t you?

How To Handle Wacky Holiday Relatives

Last week I met up with my friend Sue who’d spent Thanksgiving on a cruise with her extended family.  She had a dinner’s worth of stories––sweet, funny, and whack-a-do!  Story begat story and soon we were outdoing each other with outrageous tales of family holidays past.  We laughed, we cried, we sighed as we reflected on the poignancy and downright lunacy of our families!

As a result of my dinner with Sue, I’ve decided to spend this month’s columns reflecting on the holidays, trying mightily to avoid the clichés of Top 10 lists and anything that‘s a tad too Hallmark-y.

While I’m not sure I can tell you how to ‘survive’ the holidays, I will remind you of something crucial that you mustn’t lose sight of: people are consistent in what they say and do. 

Think on this Thanksgiving.  If you shared it with people whom you shared it last year, I’m sure their behavior was much the same.  The most obnoxious person from last year probably was just as obnoxious this year.  Whoever fell asleep watching TV in the living room last year, most likely fell asleep this year.  And the person who bored you to tears this year I’m sure did so last Thanksgiving. 

People don’t change.  Holiday celebrations take on rituals of their own, within which we each play a role. 

Given that, what should you do with the relatives that drive you batty, if not to tears?  Change.  Change the way in which you deal with them because, if you don’t change, and they’re not going to change, then nothing is going to change and the 2012 holidays will again end up being from hell!

Here’s what to do.  First think about who’s on your ‘naughty’ (substitute stronger word) list.  How do they press your buttons?  Why do they have the ability to press those buttons?  Once you’re aware of what they’re doing, then you can decide if you are going to allow them to upset you. 

Understand that it really is a game.  Consciously or unconsciously you and the other person are doing a relationship dance.  Don’t like the dance?  Then change your steps.  For instance, if someone asks you a rude or seemingly insulting question, rather than getting angry just play dumb.  Pretend you don’t understand what they mean and ask them to explain themselves.  They’ll become flustered. 

Are you at the table with someone who has a history of deliberately riling you up?  Laugh instead of getting annoyed.  Do not give them what they want (your annoyance) and they’ll become frustrated and eventually move on to some other hapless celebrant.

You can make the holidays cheery and bright OR miserable and bleak!

You Can Do A Lot In 10 Minutes

Marketing Profs is one of my favorite resources for marketing tips.  I recently came across this posting and pass it along as I’ve learned from following Christopher Ryan’s suggestions that a lot can be accomplished in just 10 minutes!

What Can YouAccomplish in 10 Minutes? (A Lot.)

In a post at Great B2B Marketing, Christopher Ryan recalls a fitness instructor who observed how members with New Year's resolutions crowd the gym in January—and often vanish by February. "He said that many people have noble intentions and set major goals," writes Ryan, "but they take an approach bound for failure, by overdoing it in the early stages—for example, exercising every day for an hour or running six miles."

According to Ryan, we tend to be equally overambitious when setting professional goals.

And just as a fitness regimen has better staying power with gradual integration—20 minutes of cardio or jogging around the block, to start—we can improve our business by setting aside 10 goal-oriented minutes each day.

He suggests using that time in ways like these:

·         Do something unpleasant. Tackle whatever you've been avoiding for the last few days or months—whether resolved in one 10-minute session or several, you've dealt with something that was taking energy not to deal with.

·         Make two phone calls, or send two emails. With very little effort, you will add around 440 personal touch points each year. "And a lot of good things will come from 440 more personal touch points," he notes.

·         Contact an important person. Use your 10 minutes to initiate a relationship with someone who is in a position to help you. The most personal approach is by phone or email—but an introduction through LinkedIn can also be effective.

The Point: Make big professional gains with a steady stream of small, easily achievable goals.

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