Clare’s the owner of a sportswear
design firm. In her late twenties, she’s
bright, driven, has accomplished much, and yet she doubts herself. That’s why she hired Madge as her
assistant. Madge has been in the biz for
almost thirty years and knows all the players.
As it turns out, Madge sees Clare
as inexperienced and privileged (she told her so to her face). Madge jabs at Clare’s insecurities with surgical
precision.
Clare believes she can’t run the
business without this woman’s know-how and is afraid to upset Madge––what if
she quits?
Whenever Clare has tried to speak
with Madge so as to make needed adjustments in their relationship, Madge
inevitably breaks down and cries. Clare
panics and caves in.
Knowingly and unknowingly, we give people
permission to treat us in certain ways.
Over time those ways become a routine.
If we don’t like the way a person is treating us, then it’s our
responsibility to “re-train” them.
Although Madge is in her fifties,
she reminds me of my niece Gracie when she was four years old. I adore Gracie––she’s bright, beautiful and
what I call a “phony-baloney.”
At four, Gracie knew how to flash
that cute smile of hers so as to get what she wanted. On one visit, her mother had an emergency and
asked if I could watch Gracie.
As soon as her mom left, Gracie
asked me for ice cream. Usually I was a
sucker for this kind of request, but her mother had given me strict orders—no
sweets! And so I said “no.”
Gracie pleaded until she finally burst
into tears that looked a tad “rehearsed!”
The girl wouldn’t stop, blackmailing me with, “if you loved me…”
Her crying was killing me. And so, I lifted her up, carried her out to
the deck and gently put her down. With a
big smile and gentle tone, I said, “Gracie, I love you, but your crying is
driving me bonkers. So, I’m going to let
you cry out here and when you’re done, just come back inside. Okay?”
She looked at me like I was nuts! I went back into the house and within
moments, Gracie ran inside. She was
laughing and wanted to watch a video.
Not a peep about ice cream.
What happened? I did something she wasn’t expecting and
hadn’t prepared for. I changed the dance
step. I retrained her.
Clare needed to treat Madge like a
four-year old. I urged Clare to say
something along these lines when Madge next cried: “Madge, clearly you’re upset. I
know you want what’s best for the company and me as I do for you. This conversation is important to both of us,
so why don’t you take some time to compose yourself and we can talk later.”
When Clare tried out this new
script, Madge resisted as the tears kept pouring. Clare repeated the script three times before Madge
stopped crying. She became Gracie! Later that same day they had a conversation
without the special effects of tears.
Is everything “fine” with Clare and
Madge? No. However, they’re now having conversations
that they didn’t have before. Madge is learning
that her old ploys no longer work.
We train people how to treat
us. Is there someone in your life who
needs retraining?
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