A Life Changing "Permission Slip"

Last week I met with Clay (name changed), a client who is a manager in the IT department of an international company.  Clay hates his job.  He’s the classic case of a person who was promoted not because he showed managerial promise but because he was good at what he did.  Although he has the potential for becoming a solid manager, he has no desire.  Rather than take charge of his career he’s resigned to failure.  In fact, I think he welcomes the idea of getting fired.  Oh, how we complicate our lives!

I asked Clay what he’d like to do instead of managing an IT team.  Without hesitating, he said, “I’d like to write operas.”  Wow – I hadn’t seen that coming!  He explained that he had wanted to pursue a career as a classical musician, but his parents guided him down a more stable professional path.  And sometimes stability can come with a steep price tag.

 Lately I’ve been doing spring-cleaning and for me that involves not just tossing out the “stuff” that’s been collecting dust.  It’s also a time to sort through clippings and links to articles and posts that I convinced myself someday I’d use. 

Here’s an edited obit clipping I passed along to Clay. It’s for Michael Masser who died last July at the age of seventy-four.  A stockbroker-turned-composer Masser wrote hits for Whitney Houston, Diana Ross and Roberta Flack.  It’s the kind of obit that I hope someday can be written for Clay.  Here’s how Masser made his career and life changing decision (as written by Sam Roberts in the New York Times).

“As Mr. Masser biked to work as a broker in Midtown Manhattan in the 1960s, he would detour to the Juilliard School to putter on a piano. A self-taught pianist, an inner muse was urging him to switch careers and pursue his true calling.” 

“‘I was working as a stockbroker in New York and had the seemingly perfect life,’ Mr. Masser told The Chicago Sun-Times in 1988.  ‘But I was unhappy, and someone I knew convinced me to see a shrink. I walked in and told the doctor I wanted to write music.  He said, ‘What’s the problem with that?’  I told him that didn’t go over well in my family. He listened, took my money and said: ‘Here’s a note of permission to write music. That’s all you need to clear your conscience.’  And it’s funny, because that’s all I was looking for: permission.  I had been the dutiful son and husband for so long, I had forgotten about living for myself.’” 

What about you? 

Is there something you’d like to be doing other than what you’re now working at?  What are you going to do about that desire?!

Does It Matter What "They" Think?

The #1 refrain I hear from people who come to me seeking to build-up their confidence is, “I’m afraid of what people will say / think of me.”  So much time, so much energy is spent worrying about “them.”  And certainly I get it – I’ve wasted so much time worrying and I’ve silenced myself on way too many occasions out of concern and fear.

Recently I came across an item on the Huffington Post that caught my eye.  It’s short and so I’m reprinting it here. . .as you read this, imagine (if you can) that you’re Ryan Gosling. . .

Nicholas Sparks SaysNo One Wanted To Play Noah In ‘The Notebook’

No one likes Noah. At least, according to author Nicholas Sparks, no wanted to play the part of “Noah” in the screen version of “The Notebook.”

During a conversation with IMDb Asks on Wednesday, Sparks revealed the difficulties he had casting the famously romantic leading role.

“It was really interesting because a lot of the actors said, “Well, what’s Noah’s arc?” Sparks said. “It’s a guy who falls in love and then he just kinda does nothing, and then waits for her to show up and then he’s there and he’s still in love and then at the end of the film, well, he’s still in love. Where’s the arc? Ryan Gosling came in and he really brought that story to life.”

Gosling managed to bring the story to life, but he apparently landed the part because he wasn’t considered traditionally handsome by Hollywood standards and the film’s director. 

“[Director] Nick Cassavetes called me to meet him at his house. When I got there, he was standing in his backyard, and he looked at me and said, “I want you to play this role because you’re not like the other young actors out there in Hollywood. You’re not handsome, you’re not cool, you’re just a regular guy who looks a bit nuts,’” Gosling told Company magazine in 2011.

Definitely the kind of stuff that boosts your self-esteem, right?

I think it’s fair to say that Gosling’s life would be radically different today had he worried about “what will they think?”

Certainly gives me something to think about!

When Chandeliers Come Crashing Down!

 

When not conducting communication workshops or teaching I officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies.  Last week something happened before a ceremony start that I’d never seen before – and I’ve seen a lot!

It was a blustery afternoon at Pelican Hill Resort as the floral designer’s team was setting up.  A glistening crystal chandelier hung from the center of the rotunda, site of the ceremony.  I was reviewing last minute details with the event planner, Jeannie Savage, when, without warning, the chandelier crashed to the ground.  It was one of those surreal moments when your brain can’t compute what your eye has witnessed.

Jeannie snapped to and asked if everyone was okay.  They were and she exhaled, “Thank God no one was hurt!”  I marveled at her composure.  She turned to the head of the team and asked him to call the floral designer while she called the resort’s catering director.  Within minutes, the destroyed chandelier was being swept up.

Jeannie suggested we not tell the bride until after the ceremony and she decided there was no time to attempt to replace the chandelier.  She was in charge, calm and, yes, we did manage a “what the?” laugh.  Throughout this bizarre incident, her attitude was a reassuring, “I’ll handle it.  We’ll handle it.”  And so everyone went about doing what needed to be done.

What I found utterly remarkable was that in a dramatic moment, there was no drama.  Now that’s leadership!  

Later, when I told Jeannie how impressed I was by how she handled the situation, she was puzzled, “How else could I have responded?”  I laughed because she could have responded in so many other ways.  She could have yelled, demanding to know who screwed up; she could have debated whether to tell the bride and stir-up emotions by asking for everyone’s opinion; or she could have played the victim, lamenting, “What am I going to do?”

Jeannie reminded me what’s needed in a moment of crisis:

·      She stayed focused on her goal – having a beautiful ceremony for the couple – and she let nothing distract her. 

·      She didn’t lose confidence in herself simply because something outside her control happened. 

·      She trusted and relied on her team. 

·      She was able to laugh. 

·      She was not fixated on the original plan – and so she could improvise. 

These skills are crucial not only for leaders.  They’re crucial for our own well-being and success in any crisis.

Jeannie’s company is named “Details, Details” and it’s precisely because she values details that she didn’t lose sight of the big picture – the welfare of her team, the happiness of her couple and her own sanity.

Chandeliers come crashing down in all our lives – it’s how we handle the broken shards that make all the difference.

Are You Cruel When You Argue?

Last month I finished up my UCLA Extension eleven-week course, The Dynamics Of Interpersonal Communication. 

All of my communication work is based in the belief that we all do what we do and say what we say for a reason.  No one “just is”.  Flowing from that is my conviction that in every relationship, over time, we fall into dance steps, patterns for dealing with conflict as well as for expressing feelings, needs and desires.  The question, though, becomes – are those dance steps working for you or are they sabotaging you and your partner?

Earlier today I got an email from Pamela, one of my students.  She wrote:

Recently my boyfriend and I have really been working on our communication. For perhaps the very first time I noticed that when I'm upset and need to ask him something, I get very frustrated and then just explode into accusatory statements instead of explaining what I want or what I’m feeling.

Usually that sets off our “normal” fight of  “YOU never. . .well, YOU never. . .” but this time I stopped and told him, “Look, I have a lot of trouble with this so can you please hug me and work with me instead of reacting to me?”

And he actually did! 

It was an interesting moment for both of us.  He said to me, “Well, I never knew that. I thought you were just cruelly accusing me, doing your usual annoying girlfriend thing.”

We talked about ways I can bring up issues without waiting too long and then exploding.   And now he’s being less reactive to my tone and more understanding when I repeat something three times in a row – he gets that it’s because I'm having difficulty expressing my self and am caught in a “broken record mode”.

Now when I do that (which I did this morning), he just pretends to be a broken record too and we make it a joke between us.

I’m excited for Pamela and her boyfriend because of the good that has come about from their mutual kindness and determination to break a habit that chipped away at the quality of their life together.

Pamela’s boyfriend thought her lashing out was just a “girlfriend thing”.  It wasn’t.  However, it wasn’t until she came clean and actually asked him for what she needed that he was able to really understand what was going on.

This was a breakthrough moment in their relationship.  And, hey, never underestimate the power of a good hug!

Pamela reminds us all that life really can be far simpler than we make it out to be!

Excited To Be Named A Constant Contact All-Star!

                                   

THE BUSINESS OF CONFIDENCE Receives 2015 Constant Contact All Star Award

Recognized for achievements using online marketing tools to drive success

THE BUSINESS OF CONFIDENCE has been named a 2015 All Star Award winner by Constant Contact^®, Inc., the trusted marketing advisor to hundreds of thousands of small organizations worldwide. The annual award recognizes the most successful 10% of Constant Contact’s customer base, based on their significant achievements leveraging online marketing tools to engage their customer base and drive results for their organization.

I’m excited to be recognized by Constant Contact for achieving strong marketing results and engaging with YOU my readers and clients.  I appreciate how Constant Contact’s tools have helped me help you stay informed on all the ways you can continue to hone your communication skills so as to become the communicator you’ve been determined to become!

If you’d like to receive my monthly newsletter, please email me at:

jp@thebusinessofconfidence.com

Here’s to another great year of Confidence & Contact!

~JP

Conscious Generosity In The Face Of Randomness

March 20^th was the United Nations International Day Of Happiness.  March 22^nd began with a horrific bombing of Brussels’ airport and Metro.  The juxtaposition of these two events is dizzying – even numbing.

The world was a dangerous place on March 19^th and March 21^st.  The 22^nd reminded us just how randomly dangerous.  So what was the point of those celebrations on the 20^th since all that mindful glee couldn’t stop the brutishness of the bombers?

I think the question I ask is legitimate, but. . .

I learned about the International Day Of Happiness while checking my Twitter feed. I happened on a tweet announcing happiness celebrations in LA and my reaction was a jaded, “bah-humbug!”  Later, I checked my email and found a message from Sam (names changed), a student who had recently completed my business communication course at UCLA.  Sam joined the class because he was tired of being held hostage by a host of irrational fears.  He wanted in on the “business of confidence.”  Midway through the course Sam also began 1-on-1 coaching sessions with me.  In a short time he’s made significant breakthroughs.   

One of Sam’s irrational fears is that he’ll make a fool of himself in conversation and that he’ll be judged.  Class provided him numerous opportunities to engage with other participants, one of whom was Finn.  Finn, the youngest in the class, is a surfer dude completing his undergrad degree in leisurely fashion.  

Over time Sam and Finn had several lively conversations. I was curious if Sam thought he had made a fool of himself in any of those conversations, especially since Finn is much younger and hipper.  Turns out he enjoyed talking with Finn and hadn’t thought about what Finn might think of him.  I suggested we get some feedback from Finn – and he, too, had had a great time chatting with Sam.  Finn was grateful that someone older and professionally established would have taken him seriously.  Each was surprised that the other had been afraid of being judged!

In his email to me Sam shared that Finn reminds him of himself when he was in college and terribly unsure of himself.  So, he’s decided to do something for Finn because he wished someone had done something for him.  What is Sam doing for Finn?  To my shock, he’s gifting Finn with an “anonymous scholarship” of five private coaching sessions with me!

Even as I write this, I’m blown away.  Sam’s kindness and generosity are extraordinary.  I’ve never had someone offer to pay for a stranger’s time with me.  And so on International Day Of Happiness I went from feeling jaded to feeling whatever is beyond happy.

My father, who was a depressed man, often would remind me and my brother that, “we’re not meant for happiness in this world.”  He believed that with all his heart and I am loath to admit that too often I allow his words to echo in my own heart.  But, according to the United Nations, "Happiness is neither a frivolity nor a luxury. It is a deep-seated yearning shared by all members of the human family."  Sam’s been on an unexplored path to new happiness and he generously wants Finn to find his way along that path.

Happiness isn’t dependent upon the grand moments and gestures in life – happiness can be as simple as sharing an ice cream cone with a child.  I also know, though, that life would be less magical and mystical without those grand surprises.  Sam turned the first day of Spring into one of the most memorial days of my life.

In its heart, happiness is always rooted in generosity.  And no atrocity can negate that truth.

March 20^th, the International Day Of World Happiness, is a yearly opportunity to recommit to being a generous person.  Brussels, though, reminds us that in a world of danger we can’t make it just a yearly recommitment – we’ve got to do it whenever there’s an opportunity to be happily generous.

20 Things I Know For Sure About Talking To People

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.

Philo of Alexandria

Over the last couple of months, in various ways and times, I’ve been reminded of the truth of Philo’s ancient observation.  In workshops and classes, seminars and coaching, I’ve encountered numerous people who are striving to become “more” of who they want to be.  And while the strivings are unique to each person, there is one core “battle” that seems more common than ever before.  It’s summed up in the question people most often ask me, “How do I have a conversation?” 

People come to me for so many reasons, but eventually, they share their stranglehold fear: “I’m worried about what people will think of me because I don’t know how to carry on a conversation.” 

If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that my great conviction is that life is ALL about meeting – about connecting.  And all connecting begins with a conversation.

A conversation is not a test.  It’s not a contest.  It’s simply a chance to connect – for a few moments, for a period time or even for a lifetime!

Recently I sat in a Starbucks and banged out (in no particular order) the following list of what I know for sure about people – and conversations.  There’s more, of course, but, hey, who wants to read more than 20 bullet points?!

20 THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE ABOUT TALKING TO PEOPLE

1.     People are consistent, though not always logical.

2.     Everyone has the capacity to surprise us because “consistency” is not immutable.

3.     Don’t expect people to fully understand what they’re saying – I mean, do you understand what you’re saying all the time?

4.     Most people want to present themselves in the best possible way, though their tactics may not always be the “best – desperation and unease kindle odd behavior.

5.     Humor goes a long way to breaking the ice – but there are also other ways to put people at ease – as often times a genuine smile will do the trick.

6.     Observe and ask questions based on your observations because people are continuously sending out clues.

7.     You never know what a conversation will lead to – a job, a friendship or maybe even a marriage proposal!

8.     Remain open to being challenged – to learn – to expand – from anyone – especially those outside your circle of comfort.

9.     Generational differences don’t matter when having a good conversation – good talk is good talk.

10.  I will not always understand the other person’s p.o.v. – but I can ask them to help me.

11.  I need to be present in a conversation – sometimes I’m better at it than other times – and that’s okay.

12.  I can’t leave a conversation up to the other person – I need to own my responsibility for my share.

13.  I want to give people something in our exchange – no matter how silly or profound – for why waste people’s time?

14.  I may not always like the other person, but the goal is always to seek the common good.

15.  I want to be in control – or at least in co-control – it’s all part of the dance.

16.  I must have some kind of animation – though know how to modulate it to the other’s needs.

17.  With some conversations the stakes are just not that high – and I don’t care about the outcome – and that’s okay, too.

18.  I am biased – some people I click with more readily than with others – I just need to be aware of those biases and not let them trip me up.

19.  I personally am guarded – residual, knee-jerk lack of trust – so I need to recognize this instinct and then move on (what’s yours?).

20.  Everybody has a story – and IS a story – and there is nothing more true or more profound about people than this point!

So, what do you know for sure about people?

How To Get Out Of Your Own Way

Recently I met with Jasmin (names changed), a new client who wants to learn how to engage and not repel people. She claims she turns off people because she has a hard time making eye contact and gets nervous when talking, especially with people she doesn’t know and so doesn’t trust.  Because Jasmin has a great smile and friendly energy I was puzzled – what is she telling herself that makes her feel so uneasy that her unease becomes off-putting?

Jasmin eventually revealed that she’s afraid people are going to hurt her – not physically, but emotionally.  But when I asked when was the last time someone had intentionally or unintentionally hurt her, to her surprise, she couldn’t recall! Her fear has as much validity as the fear of getting hit by lightning on a clear day.  While she recognizes her fear is bogus, still, it paralyzes her.

Facing down fear, no matter how irrational, is hard because it requires that we change.  Change demands three things of us: we have to recognize the sneakiness of our resistance – what are we truly afraid of?  Jasmin isn’t afraid of people.  She’s afraid of being hurt by people.  Then, we have to decide we’re not going to continue to be entrapped by our old, fear-induced rituals.  Only when we decide to do something new can we then manage our self-sabotaging behavior. 

Change is not about a personality makeover.  It’s about learning how not to screw things up for yourself!  Here are the four steps you have to take so as not to get in your own way. 

First, when a fear kicks in, stop and ask yourself, “Am I reacting out of habit?”  Jasmin revealed that whens she walks into a meeting at work she gets nervous because she’s afraid of getting hurt.  But there’s no one in that meeting who will hurt her without her permission.  She knows she works with good people, so getting nervous is just her default setting. 

Next, ask yourself, “Is there another way of doing this?”  I urged Jasmin to take a moment before entering a meeting room and say to herself, “I’m entering a room where no wants to hurt me.”  She must talk down the fear of the irrational lie that people want to hurt her.

Third, be present.  Commit to the moment.  Don’t get caught up in psychodrama of your own creating.

Lastly, at some later point, take a moment to acknowledge that you resisted caving in to the power of whatever lie you’ve been telling yourself.  Celebrate the win for “change.”

Our self-sabotaging lies become the air we breathe.  With practice we can reduce their power and break through to a new way of being and doing.

How To WOW In An Interview!

My niece, Mary, is a senior at the University of Colorado, Boulder.  The summer before her senior year of high school she had the opportunity to visit the school and nabbed an interview.  When asked why she wanted to go to Boulder, she perkily said that she loved skiing.  Immediately she noticed a cloud cross over the interviewer’s face and realized, oops, maybe that was too honest an answer!  She proudly told me that she made a quick save by saying that, of course, that wasn’t the only reason and she began to talk about what she liked (genuinely) about the school.

Mary has an outgoing personality and is curious about people (she’s majored in psychology).  Because she’s a people person, she was looking at the interviewer, and so when she slipped up in her answer, she could see and interpret the look on the interviewer’s face.  That’s how she was able to save the conversation. 

I’ll admit, I’m biased – I think Mary is fabulous for many reasons, one of which is, she knows how to engage people in such a way that they remember her for all the right reasons.  Sure, part of it is personality BUT so much more is about skill. 

Here’s my list of what you need to do in order to create a standout impression.

Shower.  Clean clothes.  Hair.  Teeth.  You’re not going to a wedding, but you’re also not going to the mall.  What is the first impression you want the interviewer to have about you?

Put your cell phone on airplane mode before entering the interview. 

Firm handshake + look in the eye + your name offered in the first twenty seconds creates a solid impression.  Practice doing this.  Business executives hire me to teach them how to do this.  Don’t wait until you’re a business executive to learn this!

Smile.  It’s such a simple thing to do and most people forget to do so. You don’t need to have a deranged grin, just a look that says you’re happy for the opportunity.  And if you’re not happy, then just fake it ‘till you make it!

Look the interviewer in the eye (even if it’s the eye of a laptop).  Do what my niece did, so that you can “read” the interviewer’s body language.

Sit up straight.  Good posture will help you breath, talk and do a bunch of other stuff that doctors swear will help you.

90% of success is preparation.  You prepare for an interview by being self-reflective. You must be able to answer these three questions in a lively, engaging, confident way:

·      What do you like about yourself?

·      What are you proud of?

·      What do you know today that you didn’t know when you entered high school?

Show as much interest in the college as you hope the interviewer will show in you.  Enter an interview knowing what you find distinctively attractive about the school.  Be curious and ask questions:

• What makes you most proud about this college?
• What is something you wish the college did more of?
• I want to go to a school that is x, y, z. . .do you think those three words describe this school?

Be genuine and engage the interviewer in conversation.  Ask questions that get the interviewer thinking:

• What’s something you wish you had known as a freshman and that you hope someone like me will know?

·      If you had a son/daughter graduating high school, would you recommend this school to them and why?

·      What is the most common mistake freshmen make at this school and how can they avoid it?

• Is there anything else I can tell you about myself?

Tell a story about yourself that makes the person go “wow!”   Everyone has a story – even, and especially, you!  Not sure what your story is?  It may very well lurk in your answers to any of these questions:

• What do people thank you for most often?
• What do they say about you most frequently?
• When do you feel passionate, free, incredibly useful, excited, inspired?
• Who do you think is really cool, or elegant, or powerful?

Don’t snow the snowman (or snowwoman).  Assume that your interviewer has developed the knack for recognizing who is and is not being genuine.  Better to fumble an answer with warmth than to try to be slick or parrot what you think they want to hear.

Write a thank-you note.  Anybody can send an email.  Your interviewer’s in-box is overflowing with emails.  But a hand-written thank-you note?  It’s so rare that they’ll remember you for all the right reasons.

Social Media.  Who is the “you” that shows up on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest?  Are you hoping for an athletic scholarship?  Vying for a coveted internship?  The trend is underway for schools to visit your Facebook page so as to get a view of the “you” they might not have seen in the interview.  Who will they find on your Facebook page?

Rock bottom most important question:

What is the one thing you want the interviewer to remember about you?

Answer that question for yourself and then do everything in your power to help create that memory!