A Kind Act Of One's Own

Last weekend I met Marie at a housewarming party.  She is the motherly neighbor of my friends who hosted the party.  When she learned that I officiate weddings and coach communications, she maneuvered me to a table and proceeded to tell me about her daughter, Clarice, who had filed for divorce just six months after her wedding. Marie asked if I would meet with her.

I doubted Clarice wanted some stranger to “reason” with her; but I felt sorry for Marie and agreed. And out of respect for her mother, Clarice, who had moved back in with her mom, also agreed.

When I stopped by the next day, I reassured Clarice that I had no intention of trying to talk her out of her decision; but, since we both agreed to meet, we might as well spend fifteen minutes together. I admitted that it was none of my business, but just out of curiosity, I wondered what had happened in the span of six months to want her to dissolve her marriage.

Embarrassed, Clarice told me that she and her husband Frank had dated since high school. They continued on through college. Everyone just presumed that some day they would marry and once out of college, the pressure was on. She then told me something that initially shocked me: “We didn’t want to disappoint our families and so we decided to get married and we just got caught-up in it all.”

Then one day, some six months later, they realized that while they still loved each other, they had no desire to spend the rest of their lives with each other.

And once again, I was reminded that life can get very whack-a-doo!

The self-help guru from the 1980’s, Leo Buscaglia, maintained that, “Not very many of us are really, in the real sense of the word, alive and living fully. I'm certain that as long as you leave your life in the hands of other people, you'll never live. You have to take the responsibility for choosing and defining your own life.”

As odd as Clarice’s story first sounded, I later realized that she really wasn’t any more “stupid” than most of us are at one time or another in our lives–and I say that respectfully!  I think most of us can be sloppy when caring for our lives, going along with decisions made by others because we don’t want to hurt feelings or accept the consequences of hard decisions.

Ironically, Clarice and Frank deciding to divorce was the kindest and bravest thing they could do because finally, they were choosing and defining their own lives.

What about you?  What kind, brave thing can you do for yourself?

How One Company Banned Inter-Office E-Mail!

Here is another great insight into how we can manage and not succumb to the 24-7 headache that is e-mail.  This is courtesy of Fast Company. . .

Why Nara Bans Inter-Office Email In Favor Of Intimate, Real-Life Face Time

By: Colin Weatherby

Unlike many technology companies, Nara is a place where simplicity and face-to-face interaction are still king. Founder and CEO Tom Copeman started the company with the intention of humanizing the web and how we find information. Considering this goal, it seems logical that he would also design an office culture that reflected a commitment to human interaction.

At Nara, you won’t find any employee sending emails across the office to their colleagues. Communication is done the old-fashioned way-- with a quick stroll and a conversation. This rule isn’t just a one-dimensional gimmick for improving social skills, it’s also based on science and how the brain responds to varied stimulation.

Citing new research as a major influence on company policy, Copeman believes that physical movement actually keeps the brains of his employees alert and creative--some companies have even decided to take this idea to the next level with full-blown exercise breaks throughout the day.

There’s another element to this decision that’s so obvious it is easy to overlook: This approach keeps things simple. “I really have this philosophy that if you can’t say something very simply--especially when you’re trying to get buy-in and communicate what you are feeling and thinking--it’s too complex and you don’t understand it yet,” says Copeman.

Perhaps surprisingly, leadership has met little resistance from the staff. They have embraced the ethos and routinely tell him that their time at the Nara office is the most fulfilling part of their day.

So what about you? How can you change your own e-mail habits?

How To Be A Genuine Stand-Out

I recently participated in a college application workshop for high school juniors.  At one point I asked for a show of hands as to who looked forward to applying to college. Out of fifty students, no one raised their hand.  Then I asked how many were nervous.  Fifty hands shot up!  Their driving fear could be reduced to: “I don’t want to be judged” and its flip side, “I don’t want to be rejected.”

I later told this story at dinner and of the six people at the table (aged 27-49), no one said that they’d been excited to apply to college. They each shared stories of how they didn’t enjoy revealing so much about themselves to strangers.  Yep, they didn’t like being judged.

Back in 2009, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates met with students from Columbia Business School for an event that aired on CNBC. While they offered advice on an array of topics, none was more simple than when Buffett said: “You will increase your value by half a million dollars if you just learn how to communicate at work. . . business is being able to close a deal and sell a deal and build relationships.”

Buffett honed in on the truest of truths––the world works because of relationships.  And relationships are grounded in quality communication.

Which brings us to interviews—in person, by phone, or by video.  An interview is another opportunity to present yourself, to tell something of your story to people who are interested in you. 

When you think about interviewing, what is your #1 fear?  Is it that you’ll be judged?

I understand the whole “I don’t like being judged” thing.  And truth be told, it’s a fear that I, too, have confronted many times in countless situations.  What I have also learned, though, is that a huge part of respecting myself is being willing to recognize and “own” what makes me “me.”  What makes me unique and interesting to be around.

This isn’t being arrogant; it’s simply laying claim to the experiences that have helped to shape me.

I coach business professionals in their communication skills.  So many, too many, people are awkward and self-conscious and fumbling talking about their ideas and about themselves.   They’re afraid to distinguish themselves.  They’re afraid to stand out and shine.  They’re afraid of being judged.

But, an interview, every interview, everywhere, with everyone, is an opportunity for you to practice speaking on your own behalf.  Engaging people with your ideas and insights.

Trust me––you’re more interesting than you can imagine!  Don’t be intimidated by an interview.  Welcome it as both an opportunity and a challenge.  This is how you’ll learn to be a genuine stand out!

The Power Of Velcro

I subscribe to the Writer’s Almanac Newsletter which daily sends a poem and brief profiles of noted persons in the arts and sciences who were born or died that day or whose seminal work was unveiled to the public on that date.

The poems are nourishing and the biographical info is consistently interesting.

Here’s a piece from May 13^th––the day in 1958 on which Velcro was patented.  I am in awe of Mestral’s patience and faithfulness to his idea.  I’ve challenged myself by asking, “what could I accomplish with such patience and conviction?”

It was on this day in 1958 that Velcro was patented. Velcro was invented by Georges de Mestral, an electrical engineer from Switzerland. Mestral was a born inventor — he applied for his first patent when he was 12 years old, for a model airplane.

Besides being an engineer, Mestral enjoyed mountain climbing, and in 1941 he went on a hunting trip with his dog in the Alps. He hiked through patches of burdock. Burdock is a thistly plant whose roots are used in cooking, especially in Asia; but the plant spreads its spiny seeds by latching them onto anything or anyone passing by. 

When Mestral got home, he was picking the burs off his dog's coat and his own clothes, and he wondered how burdock was so effective. He put the seeds under his microscope, and saw that each bristle was a tiny hook that was able to catch in the loops of clothing. He realized that by copying burdock he could create a way to simply bind materials together.

Most people Mestral told about his "hook and loop" cloth thought that his idea was stupid, but he kept on with it. It took him 10 years to get it right. With the help of a talented weaver, he was able to make a workable product, but the cotton didn't hold up to wear. Then he discovered that nylon sewn under infrared light made the perfect set of loops — but that meant sewing hundreds of loops per inch, a slow and inefficient task. Eventually, he was able to mechanize the whole process, and 10 years after his walk with his dog, he applied for a patent for his invention: "Velcro," which combined the French words velour (which means velvet) and crochet (which means hook).

So what about you?  What could you accomplish with the conviction of Mestral?

How Are You Doing With Your New Year's Resolutions?!

 

It’s June.  Next month, Hallmark Cards will unveil their 2013 Christmas ornaments collection!  Yes, we’ve reached the halfway point in this “new” year.  What about those New Year’s goals you set up for yourself?  Where are you in bringing them to life? 

Although many of us make new year’s resolutions with determination and enthusiasm, often it’s not obvious what our goals should be or even what we want to accomplish, but consider this. . .

If you want to change something in your life, it's common to try to stop the behaviors you don't like. While this certainly seems logical, it seldom works. The reason is simple - it unintentionally creates a vacuum where the old behaviors used to be. And since nature hates a vacuum it will fill it with anything it can find - usually the very behaviors you're trying to stop since they're so familiar. Instead of stopping certain behaviors, try focusing on the new behaviors you want and need to develop. Eventually, with practice, these new behaviors will replace the old ones.

I had a client who was condescending with staff members and she wanted to change how she interacted.  When she asked for my advice (in what I thought was a condescending tone!), I said, "Instead of coming off as superior and stand-offish, what do you want to be?  How would you like to be perceived?"  She looked at me blankly and said, "I'm not sure.  I never thought about it that way"  "Good!  Then let's start there," I said.

There are three steps to setting communication goals for your self:

1.     Notice any pattern in either your personal or professional life where you say you've got to stop communicating in a certain way.

2.     Think about the way(s) in which you want to start communicating in that arena.

3.     Be specific. Write down the exact things you want to do.

Sabotaging yourself with negative thinking?

In his book, Learned Optimism, Dr. Martin Seligman wrote about a psychological phenomenon that he discovered based on his 25 years of research: Virtually every person has one or more areas where they feel unable to do something that they really want to do. They’ve developed habits of thought that hold them back from reaching their full potential. Seligman called this "learned helplessness."

He conducted dozens of experiments to demonstrate how animals can be trained to feel that they’re helpless. In one, he put a dog into a cage with a glass wall that separated it from a bowl of food. The dog was hungry and tried to get at the food by banging its nose on the glass. After several hours, Seligman removed the glass. And what happened then? The dog, who was still hungry, sat only a few inches away from the food and never even attempted to eat it. The animal had become convinced that it was incapable of getting to the food. So even when the obstacles were removed, it just sat there hungry.

As you think about your communication goals, are you stuck in trying to name those goals? Have you convinced yourself that you’re incapable of reaching a goal that's important to you?  

If negative thinking is holding you back, keep in mind that it is nothing more than a bad habit that you developed somewhere along the line. And all dysfunctional habits can be replaced with healthy ones.

Want help in gaining clarity for reaching your most persistent goal?  Send me an email and let’s begin a conversation:

jp@jpr-communications.com

The Definition Of "Customer Service"

 
The day after Memorial Day, down on the beach at Table Rock Drive in Laguna Beach, I officiated the wedding of Clare and Ed, who are from Nottingshire, England.  They combined a honeymoon with their wedding and so began their adventure in Seattle, WA and drove down the coast to Los Angeles and then on to Laguna Beach.

During our first Skype chat, I had urged them to look into staying at one of my all-time favorite hotels, The Montage Resort & Spa in Laguna Beach, but given all their other expenses, they opted for a small hotel in town.

Clare had a silk dress made for her back home. She thought it would travel better than it had and when she arrived in Laguna, it was a wrinkled mess. The day before her wedding, Memorial Day, Clare asked the concierge at her hotel if it would be possible to get the dress steamed. They didn’t have onsite services, but referred her to a bridal store in town. A sales woman informed Clare that they only steamed dresses bought from the store.  Although Clare offered to pay, “policy is policy” and what would happen if an exception was made?

Clare then recalled how I had raved about the service at The Montage. With nothing to lose, she went over and connected with Ms. Jimenez, the Executive Housekeeper, who agreed to steam the dress.

Clare was relieved and Ed was stunned. As he explained to me, “this wouldn’t have happened back home.” They were in awe of Ms. Jimenez’ kindness and that The Montage could be home to such graciousness.

Clare and Ed had made wedding dinner plans at a restaurant in town, but because of Ms. Jimenez, they canceled and dined at The Montage––which is what a year ago I told them to do!

If you go to Amazon.com and plug in “customer service” under the book section, you’ll find almost 87,000 entries!  Stunning really because if you think about it “customer service” is not a complicated concept.  As I consistently tell students and clients, it’s simply about serving decency and kindness to a customer, even if that “customer” is not yet a customer! 

Amazon should simply refer people to Ms. Jimenez, a woman who offered visitors far from home commonsense decency and graciousness.

What about you?  What kind of “customer service” do you take pride in offering?

A Graduation Letter To Mary, Clare and Kristin

Last week my niece Mary graduated from the University of Colorado, Boulder.  In the coming weeks my goddaughter Clare graduates from Georgetown and, Kristin, from USC. 

Julie Andrews spoke at Mary’s graduation and she was, well, Julie Andrews––warm, funny, smart and compassionate.  Later that day, I sat in my hotel room trying to write something just as inspirational to Mary, but words failed me. I’ve since tried writing to Clare and Kristin but continue to fumble. 

Graduations are a time for wishing, hugging and drinking all to excessive degrees!  They’re a time for attempting to say witty and profound things that sound earnest, but inevitably are clichéd.  They’re a time for giving thanks for the past while holding our collective breath as we hope for each graduate a dazzling future.  Recognizing all this, I’d like to use this post as an open letter to Mary, Clare and Kristin. . .

My favorite book in high school was “David Copperfield” whose very first sentence reads: “Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.” 

That is my wish for you, Mary, Clare and Kristin––that you each become the hero of your own life. 

I’ve worked to become the hero of my life and, knowing the parents who raised you, I think each of them, consciously and unconsciously, has striven mightily to become the hero of her or his own life.

How do you become that hero?  One of my college mentors, Anais Nin, wrote: “Never crystallize. Remain open to change, renewal, adventure, experiment.”

With varying intensity and generosity those words have been my guiding mantra for four decades.  As I’ve struggled to not crystallize, as I’ve risked becoming that hero, I’ll admit that I’ve often confused myself as I’ve challenged myself!  I’ve dared myself and sabotaged myself.  I’ve met good, wonderful, bright, creative people––strangers who became my friends, some for a little while and some for the long haul.  I’ve met people who baffled me, amazed me, challenged me, taught me and enlightened me.  People who held me up with kindness and wisdom.  And there were some whose words and actions or silence and density confused and angered me.    

And in the refusing to crystallize, which is the only real heroic adventure, I’ve often failed stupidly and miserably, hurting people no one should hurt.  But, by daylight and in dark, I’ve been nourished and fattened with tender, whacky stories that have cheered, confused and astonished me.  Stories that constantly have not allowed me to forget or deny that life is good and worthy of my best.

Mary, Clare, Kristin, today I hug and toast you, and forever quietly cheer you on as you each continue to become the hero of your own life!

The Power Of "Thank You"

I began writing this post with the TV on in the other room.  Sitting at my desk, I can hear updates on the search for Bomber Suspect #2.  And so I’m writing this with a steady stream of horror as background noise.  There’s already been much said and much written that I don’t think it seemly for me to add what amounts to my two cents.  And yet, I struggle with how I can put this post into some kind of context for this past week.

The clichés come rushing out––life is unpredictable; life is short; Carpe Diem.  They’re clichés because they’re true, but because they’re clichés, even in the face of numbing images, they lack a rattling call to action. 

The novelist Reynolds Price, had one of his characters, Roxanna Slade, reflect on how “very few human beings of any sex or background are called to anything grander than dinner.”  I think this is true, although those who with generous instincts helped and rescued the injured are those few called to a more heroic moment of being human.

But still the question remains for the rest of us––how do we, you and me, mark the ordinary routine of our lives with integrity and grace?  Well, here’s my one, small but not insignificant suggestion––that we, you and me, say “thank you” to as many people as possible each and every day.  By looking people in the eye and thanking them for their help, their ideas, their efforts, and, yes, even for doing what they’re paid to do but because they do it so well and so seemingly effortlessly.

Years ago I lived in a part of the Pacific known as Micronesia.  Yap is one of the island nations in that region.  My favorite Yapese word is “hosachigachig.”  It literally means, “you are tired” and it’s the Yapese word for “thank you.”  I love the simple directness of the word because, if you think about it, when you say “thank you” to someone, you’re acknowledging that they’ve exerted themselves in some way or manner for you.

It’s been said by “experts” in the fields of criminology and psychology, that when you strip away political and religious motivations from those who execute heinous criminal deeds, you are looking at individuals who are consumed with a raging demand to be recognized.

You can argue with the “experts” but what is true is that each of us yearns to be seen and recognized.

In the face of the horror of so many violent demands to be recognized, what is more human than to set about recognizing the people in our lives with habitual “thank yous”?

How many people have you thanked today?

Dreaming Big

This past week two of my friends experienced the unexpected force of loss. For one it was the death of her father and for the other it was the news that her soul mate is riddled with cancer.  The news of each combined with the fact that my friend asked me to conduct her dad’s memorial, has put me in a meditative mood.

Some time ago I clipped this short, short story by William Bausch:  

“An old man approached the 19^th century poet and artist Dante Gabriel Rossetti and asked him to look at his portfolio to see if his work showed potential talent.  After looking through several sketches, Rossetti very gently told the elderly man that the pictures had little value and showed little talent.

Disappointed but not surprised, the old man asked if the artist might look at a few more drawings done by a young art student.  As he looked at each creation, Rossetti became enthusiastic in his praise.  ‘This young student has great talent and should be encouraged.  Who is the artist?’

The old man said, ‘This is my work from forty years ago.  If only I had heard your praise then!  For you see, I got discouraged and gave up too soon.’"

I like this story because it reminds me that dreaming big has two, often overlooked components.  The first is that in order to dream big, you need to be kind to yourself.  Without kindness, you can’t nurture that BIG dream so as to let it give you life and energy, no matter if you receive discouragement or no encouragement.  Without kindness, you’ll walk away from your dreaming self.

If you think about it, which was sadder––that no one encouraged the painter when he was a young man OR that he allowed the lack of encouragement to stifle him?  I think the real tragedy is that he couldn’t muster enough kindness to offer to his own talent.

The second overlooked component is that if you’re dreaming big then you have an obligation to encourage other big dreamers, and especially to encourage those who are afraid to dream big.

To be obsessed with your dream and not hear or see or sense the dreams of others turns you into a megalomaniac and not a dreamer.

Last December, George Whitman, legendary owner of the beloved Parisian bookstore “Shakespeare and Company” died.  At his funeral, the novelist Jeanette Winterson said he lived in such a way that made many a person ask, “Why should I be afraid of life?”

Indeed, life’s too short to be afraid of life––to be afraid to dream big. 

What about you?  Are you living the life of a Big Dreamer?

Mature Confidence

Last week one of my UCLA students remarked that he used to be more confident when he was younger and he wondered why he lost that confidence.  Then at Easter brunch, the topic of “confidence” came up.  The woman sitting across from me said, “Oh, I used to be so much more confident when I was younger.”  Then someone else chimed in, “I know what you mean; I’m the same way.” 

A couple of random conversations?  Yes, but––since January, I’ve had probably more than a dozen conversations with people, each of whom shared that they don’t feel as confident as they used to. 

It’s got me thinking about how confident I am.  While there’s a part of me that feels more confident in the skills I’ve developed over the years; there’s another part of me that feels less willing to try new things because I don’t feel confident in succeeding.  Oh, how we complicate our lives!

My UCLA student wondered if he’s less confident now because he knows more than when he was younger.  Others have wondered if they’re less confident because they’re less idealistic.  And my Easter brunch friend admitted it might have to do with her being less impetuous.

No one of these people could pinpoint what he or she meant when saying they felt “less confident.”  It was simply a feeling they each had.  I was surprised because each was successful in significant ways.  And in the case of three of them, they came to the States to study.  You don’t decide to live in another country, whose language is not your first, without having confidence.

So what does it mean to have confidence?  I think it simply means this: to know your strengths and to acknowledge your weaknesses.  Relying solely on your strengths and refusing to admit your weaknesses, leaves you being vain and bombastic.  Focusing on your weaknesses and not owning your strengths leaves you with a disabling sense of modesty.

Maybe the challenge is that when young, we tend to focus on our strengths and when older we become more aware of our failings and so think we lack confidence.  With age, though, comes an opportunity to genuinely experience confidence.   

Mark Goulston, Ph.D. defines maturity as: “being able to fully experience disappointment (vs. denying it) and fully ‘taking the hit,’ without becoming angry at someone else or yourself, making excuses, complaining, whining or feeling sorry for yourself and then fully committing yourself to a solution.”

If you think about it, isn’t confidence all about maturity?  Taking responsibility and believing that no matter what, good can come from the power of being responsible––now that’s confidence.

What about you––how confident are you feeling?

The 10 Commandments Of Good E-mail

Based on feedback from people with whom I’ve had conversations, it seems my previous columns on “respect” pressed a nerve.  I had several debates over whether “respect” is something that we have to earn or we should expect.  And while opinions differed on just what constitutes “respect” most people I’ve spoken with believe that at work they don’t get the respect they deserve.

Interestingly, a recurring complaint revolves around the volume of annoying and disrespectful e-mails people receive.  Many of you feel overwhelmed with poorly written, rude in tone e-mails.

E-mail is a great communication tool when used properly.  However, when used inappropriately it can cause communication problems and unnecessary stress.

Here are 10 Tips to reduce e-mail confusion:

1.  E-mail should not be used as a substitute for face-to-face conversations.  The tone of an email can easily be misunderstood since e-mail lacks the verbal and visual cues of a conversation.  Problems and issues should be discussed in person or on the phone and not via e-mail.

2.  Don't write in ALL CAPS as it’s cyber shouting.

3.  Never send an email when you're angry. Take time to cool down and re-read the email to make sure it doesn't say anything you’ll regret later.

4.  Respond promptly to e-mails asking for your assistance.  If you aren’t able to help the person immediately, let them know when you can give them the help they’ve requested.

5.  Use the “reply all” button only when “all” need to know the info you’re sending.  If you receive an email that was sent to a group of people, reply only to those who require a response. Often times, the only person who needs a response is the sender.

6.  Copy only those people who really need to know the information in the e-mail. 

7.  Send an e-mail to confirm and/or document decisions made in a face-to-face meeting.  This will prove helpful if there are any misunderstandings down the road.

8.  Never put “No Subject” in the subject line.  The subject line indicates both the content and importance of the e-mail. Keep it brief, specific and relevant, or the receiver might not open the e-mail or may even delete without reading it!

9.  Think twice before sending humorous messages. A “funny” e-mail may seem funny to you, but it could insult someone else. E-mails that may be perceived as insulting, harassing or biased could be forwarded to others without your knowledge. Don't send anything you wouldn't want posted for all to see.

10.  Don't be a nuisance. If you don't receive a response after sending an e-mail, either send a different e-mail explaining why you’re following up, or call the person.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Part 2

Years ago I taught high school on the island of Moen in the South Pacific.  The school had nine languages represented and an international faculty.  I learned much about my self and life––one of those things being that humor doesn’t easily translate from culture to culture.

I’ve a twisted New York sense of humor and enjoy teasing people.  One day Ernie, a teacher from the Philippines, point-blank asked, “JP, why do you hate me?”  Stunned, I reassured him that I didn’t hate him.  But he proceeded to enumerate various times I joked with him, all of which he took as proof I despised him.   

Ernie interpreted what I said in a certain way, i.e. that I hated him.  He then turned his interpretation into a fact, after which he confronted me with the “fact” and demanded an explanation.  Only problem––it wasn’t a “fact” that I hated him.  My humor was not intended to hurt him, though that was its impact.

Last week I told you about Louise who thinks her supervisor, Anthony, doesn’t like her.  However, she doesn’t know that for a fact because she’s never talked with him about their relationship. 

Louise (and Ernie before her) is doing what so many of us do––she’s treating her interpretation of a situation as a “fact” when it’s not.  So, I’m urging Louise to do something called “perception checking.”  It’s a type of conversation where you seek clarity from the person whose actions are confusing you.  It goes like this:

First ask the person for time to talk.  It’s best to do this in person and not by email!  Second, describe the behavior that’s confusing you, without attaching any judgment to it.  In Louise’s case, she might say, “Anthony, you yelled at me in front of my team, you didn’t inform me of an important client meeting and you’re slow to return my calls.”  Third, offer  at least two possible interpretations for why the person is behaving in this manner.  “Anthony, I don’t know if you’re stressed and feel safe taking it out on me or if I’ve done something to offend you or if there’s something else going on.”  Fourth, ask the person to clarify. “So, Anthony, what’s going on?  Please help me understand.”

Is this an easy conversation to have?  No.  However, it gives the other person an opportunity to non-defensively explain their behavior.  If, though, the person, simply says, “nothing is going on” then repeat the steps until the person is able to offer some insight.

The beauty of this technique is that it helps to separate intent from impact and helps us get out of the soap opera we so easily create in our heads. 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T : Part 1

This past week I’ve had nine clients vent to me their frustrations over not being respected––by bosses, colleagues, direct reports, and a mother-in-law!  My week was filled with the refrain, “I don’t feel respected!”

Each of these men and women feels hurt, angry, confused and each has reached the point where he or she feels like they can’t take it anymore.  And adding to all of this is a feeling of helplessness.  While each has handled his or her own situation differently, no one feels confident.

Five of the people opted not to say anything.  Two got in the other person’s face.  One found the courage to assertively confront her boss and another decided to respond with sarcasm and walk away.

One man claims he’s gained valuable insight into his boss’ unpredictable mood swings, but wishes he had been more assertive. One woman, who did find the courage to assertively address her boss’ irrational and demeaning demands, isn’t sure where she found the nerve and is surprised that her boss has backed off.

There are no hard and fast rules for communicating effectively.  You constantly need to assess who is involved, what’s the situation and what’s your goal.  You can’t figure out how to attain your goal unless you know what it is.

The issue of respect (or lack of it) is so pervasive amongst my clients and students that I’ve decided to devote several posts to the topic.  This week I want to look at how so many of us are afraid to confront a person whom we think is disrespectful.

Louise (name changed) works for a small firm owned by her brother.  She directly reports, though, to Anthony and her problem is with him.  Louise doesn’t think he respects her.  Although she feels disrespected, she actually doesn’t know how he feels about her because she’s never talked with him about their relationship.  Why?  Because she doesn’t want to upset him––even though she continues to feel upset about the way he treats her.

When I suggested I moderate a conversation between them, she almost started to hyperventilate.

But, here’s the thing––she only has two options.  She can continue to say nothing and nurture her fantasies of being emotionally abused and then one day explode, after which she’ll be labeled a b*tch.  Or, she can have a non-accusatory, non-manipulative conversation by which to clear the air.

Louise offered me a battery of “yes, buts” that make perfect sense since she’s not used to expressing her feelings in a non-explosive way.  But having that tough conversation is what real respect is all about.

Next time I will show you how to confront someone who’s being disrespectful.

New Year's Resolutions One Month Later

Melissa is a colleague whom I admire.  Every time we meet at a function, though, we end by saying, “we must do lunch” and then never do.  Last week she called and we finally did lunch.  Melissa told me that she’s hell-bent on going through her list of fav people and getting together with each person by Valentine’s Day.  This was her only resolution for the New Year. 

Although I’ve posted my thoughts about New Year’s resolutions, in light of Melissa’s enthusiasm, I thought I’d check-in with you and ask––“how’s it going?!”

I recently found out that February is National Self-Esteem Month.  I’m really not a fan of all these “national this-and-that” month or day, BUT it does seem appropriate that self-esteem month comes a month after we’ve all made some wonderful and often unfulfilled resolutions.

There’s a host of reasons for why we don’t keep resolutions, just ask Drs. Drew, Oz and Phil!  However, I think one reason is that we’re afraid of what would happen if we did keep a resolution.

In an odd way, many of us are afraid not just of failing, we’re also afraid of succeeding.  “What would life look like if I accomplished something good for myself?”  That’s a scary question because if you answer it honestly you’d have to take ownership of your life, of not playing victim, or seeking out pity.  And for many people, there’s also a lingering sense that they don’t feel worthy, deserving of success and well-being.

David, a friend of mine with great magical abilities, told me that his goal this year is to, “be less afraid of being confident.”  I love that because with confidence comes greater self-esteem and success.

A new coaching client told me that honing his communication skills is one of his top three priorities for the year.  From a business standpoint, I was grateful, but from a personal standpoint I was challenged as he got me thinking about my priorities for this year.

I must admit they seemed clearer a month ago than they do today!  And maybe that’s because I never wrote them down.  Studies show that you have a greater chance of reaching a goal if you actually write it down.  I’ve done that and I encourage you to join me.  It’s really simple––all you have to do is complete these three sentences:

The most important thing I have to do this year is. . .

The second most important things is. . .

The third most important thing is. . .

If you’re stumped and don’t have anything important to commit to, then I would ask, what are you really afraid of?  Failure or success?

“Should”–The Single Most Unrealistic Word

Last week I coached a trio of mid-level managers who enjoy pressing each other’s buttons and sabotaging each other’s work. Don’t ask!

Betsy (name changed) reassured me that given the horrific conditions at work there’s no way I could help her.  She went on to say that she’s frustrated when she talks with the people on her team.  She sighed, “When I tell them to do something, they should do it.  I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.”  Really––how realistic is that?  She proudly told me that if she and her brothers didn’t do what their parents asked, then there were consequences. 

While it’s true that companies can take on the dynamic of a family, they really aren’t a family.  Parents might be able to get away with the “or else” mandate, but workers are seldom motivated by fear.  Fear doesn’t get you to the finish line.

Betsy said that her team knows they can come to her any time with questions.  When I asked if they do come to her, she looked annoyed.  “No, of course they don’t. They’re too lazy.”  Hmm––the problem is that most people don’t feel comfortable asking questions of a person whom they fear.  And I’ve no doubt that her team fears Betsy.

I read an article (whose author I forget) that maintained, “three is the new one.”  The author claimed it takes three times for a worker in today’s workplace to grasp what you’re saying because no matter how important it is what you’re telling a co-worker, your message is competing with so many others.

Saying something is not the same as communicating.

While each of us has a responsibility for letting the other person know if we don’t understand them, it’s also true that you have a responsibility to make sure that you know if the other person hasn’t understood you.  Telling a worker to “see you” if they have any questions just isn’t enough.  Most people are embarrassed to ask questions and won’t!

So, what can you do to gain insight into whether the other person has understood you?  There are three things you can do:

1.     Have the person repeat back in their own words what it is you’re asking them to do.  If they can’t, then they don’t understand what they’re supposed to do.

2.     If the project extends beyond three days, decide on a time when the two of you will touch base and make sure things are on schedule. 

3.     Reassure them that you genuinely want them to come to you with questions.

To insist that you “shouldn’t” have to repeat yourself is unrealistic and only leads to the frustration of not having your expectations (unrealistic) met.