The Business of Confidence

A Handful of Pennies––for 2012!

2012-01-23T20:30:00.000-08:00

I’ve revised and renamed my website and am now refocused on spending more time here at my blog! While January is the month for typical entries on goal-setting, I want this first entry to be something special. . .and so I’ve turned to a special friend, Melissa Cistaro.

Melissa is many things and among those many wonderful things is the fact that she’s a writer and storyteller. Over Thanksgiving she had the opportunity to share the following memory on San Francisco’s Public Radio KQED (http://www.kqed.org/a/perspectives/R201111280735).

I’m biased. I relish everything Melissa writes and I especially take heart from her “perspective” on hope. My “goal” for 2012 is to hold this perspective close by in all my endeavors. . .and I hope you do, too. . .

Enjoy!

A Handful of Pennies
By Melissa Cistaro

In the early 1980s my father was raising three teenagers, and in deep financial trouble. I'd come home from school to find the water had been shut off. By nightfall the electricity might be off as well.

Now my husband and I have three children and all the financial stress that comes with raising a family and paying a mortgage. Lately, I've been putting groceries on credit. Everyday, unanticipated expenses creep like termites beneath the floorboards.
But here's what I know. Things work out. They just do. It's what my father taught me.

One morning, my father and I were driving to 7-11 before school when he confided that he was in "serious" trouble - and that all the money he had to his name was sitting on the console between our seats. I glanced at a handful of pennies that were sticky with spilled Pepsi. I quizzed him. Was this really all the money we had? Yes.

Then he told me, that no matter what, he was going "to figure things out." He was going to get us out of this mess he was in. In his most desperate hour, he found an unconventional way to save us. He auctioned off the entire contents of our house; furniture, Grandma's antiques, and every collected treasure from our front porch. He used the cash to rescue the house from foreclosure. And, I know it's drastic, but in the big picture we were all okay. We learned that if the ship starts sinking, it's better to throw the less important things overboard. My father still says that after he sold everything he owned, he felt more happy and free than he ever had before.

This current economy is fraught with uncertainty for so many of us. When I'm losing faith, I remember my father's words that morning. For now, I chart a course as best I can, hold on to the sails and believe that there is a way to weather the storm with grace.

Whose Laundry Can You Fold?

2011-04-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Mother Teresa

Last week, on a day when I felt especially anxious, after having listened to way too much cable business news, I decided to do laundry—something practical! When I went down to the laundry room to retrieve my clothes from the dryer, I found them all neatly folded and placed in the basket. What a great gift for a single guy who never folds his laundry.

Just then, along came the cleaning lady who works for my neighbor. She smiled and went about taking my neighbor’s clothes from the dryer. I thanked her for her kindness. She said it was nothing and then went on her way.

This woman’s kind act jolted me out of the pity party I’d been hosting all week. She wasn’t being paid to do my laundry. She could have dumped my clothes on top of the dryer. Her worries, whatever they be, did not prevent her from acting beyond self-interest.

Tough times ask challenging questions of us. The sight of my neatly folded laundry invited me to consider how I’ve allowed these days of economic turmoil to make me self-absorbed.

Without realizing it, the cleaning woman invited me to consider how I’ve been tending to relationships—family, friends, business associates.

Can we still be gracious and generous with friends and family—and even strangers? Offering kind surprises?

Simple things we can do that the distractions of these days might make us neglect include:

• answering e-mails and phone messages in a timely way
• being available to people seeking out our help
• rousing ourselves when we want to isolate
• paying kindness forward

EXERCISE:
As you recommit yourself to the people in your life, consider these questions:

1. On what has my attention been obsessing?
2. In what ways has this taken me away from my relationships—professional and personal?
3. What simple steps can I take to reconnect? Whose “laundry” can I fold?

Old Habits Die Hard

2011-04-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

On January 10th, my 90-year-old father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Six weeks later, he passed away. Knowing that our father was dying, I resolved that I wouldn’t argue with my brother about anything relating to dad’s care and burial. We had argued over so many details when our mother died that I was determined we would do it “right” this time. I felt confident—after all, I coach people in how to handle difficult,stress-filled situations. I was going to coach Peter and myself
through this ordeal. . .
Ah, but I’d forgotten that old habits die hard. Within an hour of my landing back in Jersey, Peter and I were pressing each other’s buttons with ease. That is, until we looked each other in the eye and said “no—not this time.” More than anything, we wanted to work together so as to be together for our father in his last days.
When Peter and I were growing up, our father always told us to “keep your eye on the ball, kid.” Given that Peter and I never played sports, his advice made little sense! Eventually, we figured out he was quoting some famous sports person (still don’t know who) and what he was trying to say was that if you stay focused on what you want, you can have it.
Sitting by our father’s side in the nursing home, Peter and I kept our “eye” on the ball, supporting our father and each other in all ways caring. While old habits may never die, this time they did not take hold as in times past. What happened? Peter & I were able to laugh at our own selves and at each other. “You know you’re being
controlling, don’t you?” “No, I’m not!” “Then, what do you call
it?” Pause “Controlling!”
We didn’t allow old rituals to stranglehold us. We quickly (okay, “somewhat” quickly) caught ourselves when we fell into old patterns and moved on to a more honest, more engaging place.
Old habits may die hard or they may never die. The real issue, though, is this—we can change our relationship with old habits of talking and relating.

Awareness + desire = change.
Well, actually, awareness + desire + skill = change, as you’ll see as this blog rolls along.

For now, here are some questions to help you become more aware of the rituals that trip you up at work and in your personal life:

• What is a recurring situation to which you respond in familiar, knee-jerk fashion?
• What triggers are being pressed?
• If the old ways of responding are not working for you, why do you persist in using those ways?
• What would you like to see happen differently?

Remember: old habits have only as much power and control as we give them.