How To Get Out Of Your Own Way

Recently I met with Jasmin (names changed), a new client who wants to learn how to engage and not repel people. She claims she turns off people because she has a hard time making eye contact and gets nervous when talking, especially with people she doesn’t know and so doesn’t trust.  Because Jasmin has a great smile and friendly energy I was puzzled – what is she telling herself that makes her feel so uneasy that her unease becomes off-putting?

Jasmin eventually revealed that she’s afraid people are going to hurt her – not physically, but emotionally.  But when I asked when was the last time someone had intentionally or unintentionally hurt her, to her surprise, she couldn’t recall! Her fear has as much validity as the fear of getting hit by lightning on a clear day.  While she recognizes her fear is bogus, still, it paralyzes her.

Facing down fear, no matter how irrational, is hard because it requires that we change.  Change demands three things of us: we have to recognize the sneakiness of our resistance – what are we truly afraid of?  Jasmin isn’t afraid of people.  She’s afraid of being hurt by people.  Then, we have to decide we’re not going to continue to be entrapped by our old, fear-induced rituals.  Only when we decide to do something new can we then manage our self-sabotaging behavior. 

Change is not about a personality makeover.  It’s about learning how not to screw things up for yourself!  Here are the four steps you have to take so as not to get in your own way. 

First, when a fear kicks in, stop and ask yourself, “Am I reacting out of habit?”  Jasmin revealed that whens she walks into a meeting at work she gets nervous because she’s afraid of getting hurt.  But there’s no one in that meeting who will hurt her without her permission.  She knows she works with good people, so getting nervous is just her default setting. 

Next, ask yourself, “Is there another way of doing this?”  I urged Jasmin to take a moment before entering a meeting room and say to herself, “I’m entering a room where no wants to hurt me.”  She must talk down the fear of the irrational lie that people want to hurt her.

Third, be present.  Commit to the moment.  Don’t get caught up in psychodrama of your own creating.

Lastly, at some later point, take a moment to acknowledge that you resisted caving in to the power of whatever lie you’ve been telling yourself.  Celebrate the win for “change.”

Our self-sabotaging lies become the air we breathe.  With practice we can reduce their power and break through to a new way of being and doing.

How To WOW In An Interview!

My niece, Mary, is a senior at the University of Colorado, Boulder.  The summer before her senior year of high school she had the opportunity to visit the school and nabbed an interview.  When asked why she wanted to go to Boulder, she perkily said that she loved skiing.  Immediately she noticed a cloud cross over the interviewer’s face and realized, oops, maybe that was too honest an answer!  She proudly told me that she made a quick save by saying that, of course, that wasn’t the only reason and she began to talk about what she liked (genuinely) about the school.

Mary has an outgoing personality and is curious about people (she’s majored in psychology).  Because she’s a people person, she was looking at the interviewer, and so when she slipped up in her answer, she could see and interpret the look on the interviewer’s face.  That’s how she was able to save the conversation. 

I’ll admit, I’m biased – I think Mary is fabulous for many reasons, one of which is, she knows how to engage people in such a way that they remember her for all the right reasons.  Sure, part of it is personality BUT so much more is about skill. 

Here’s my list of what you need to do in order to create a standout impression.

Shower.  Clean clothes.  Hair.  Teeth.  You’re not going to a wedding, but you’re also not going to the mall.  What is the first impression you want the interviewer to have about you?

Put your cell phone on airplane mode before entering the interview. 

Firm handshake + look in the eye + your name offered in the first twenty seconds creates a solid impression.  Practice doing this.  Business executives hire me to teach them how to do this.  Don’t wait until you’re a business executive to learn this!

Smile.  It’s such a simple thing to do and most people forget to do so. You don’t need to have a deranged grin, just a look that says you’re happy for the opportunity.  And if you’re not happy, then just fake it ‘till you make it!

Look the interviewer in the eye (even if it’s the eye of a laptop).  Do what my niece did, so that you can “read” the interviewer’s body language.

Sit up straight.  Good posture will help you breath, talk and do a bunch of other stuff that doctors swear will help you.

90% of success is preparation.  You prepare for an interview by being self-reflective. You must be able to answer these three questions in a lively, engaging, confident way:

·      What do you like about yourself?

·      What are you proud of?

·      What do you know today that you didn’t know when you entered high school?

Show as much interest in the college as you hope the interviewer will show in you.  Enter an interview knowing what you find distinctively attractive about the school.  Be curious and ask questions:

• What makes you most proud about this college?
• What is something you wish the college did more of?
• I want to go to a school that is x, y, z. . .do you think those three words describe this school?

Be genuine and engage the interviewer in conversation.  Ask questions that get the interviewer thinking:

• What’s something you wish you had known as a freshman and that you hope someone like me will know?

·      If you had a son/daughter graduating high school, would you recommend this school to them and why?

·      What is the most common mistake freshmen make at this school and how can they avoid it?

• Is there anything else I can tell you about myself?

Tell a story about yourself that makes the person go “wow!”   Everyone has a story – even, and especially, you!  Not sure what your story is?  It may very well lurk in your answers to any of these questions:

• What do people thank you for most often?
• What do they say about you most frequently?
• When do you feel passionate, free, incredibly useful, excited, inspired?
• Who do you think is really cool, or elegant, or powerful?

Don’t snow the snowman (or snowwoman).  Assume that your interviewer has developed the knack for recognizing who is and is not being genuine.  Better to fumble an answer with warmth than to try to be slick or parrot what you think they want to hear.

Write a thank-you note.  Anybody can send an email.  Your interviewer’s in-box is overflowing with emails.  But a hand-written thank-you note?  It’s so rare that they’ll remember you for all the right reasons.

Social Media.  Who is the “you” that shows up on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest?  Are you hoping for an athletic scholarship?  Vying for a coveted internship?  The trend is underway for schools to visit your Facebook page so as to get a view of the “you” they might not have seen in the interview.  Who will they find on your Facebook page?

Rock bottom most important question:

What is the one thing you want the interviewer to remember about you?

Answer that question for yourself and then do everything in your power to help create that memory!

What A ROOTS Ski Cap Taught Me About Life

Maggie Sims.  Do you recognize that name?  No?  Well, it’s the name of the woman of my dreams.  Seriously.  I’m going to tell you a story that is so odd that I’ve wrestled with whether I should even share it in any kind of public arena.  I’ve decided, though, that it is too weird not to share. . .

For Christmas my niece Mary gave me a wool ski cap from Canadian-based sportswear company ROOTS.  I don’t ski but she knows I like hats.  One night last week it got really cold here in the Valley and I decided to sleep wearing the cap.  That tidbit is not the embarrassing part of this story!

I typically go into a deep sleep and have dreams that play out like movies.  I don’t actually recall my ROOTS-capped dream except that I woke up remembering that there was a woman in my dream named “Maggie Sims.”  Odd as I don’t know anyone with that name – I don’t even know a Maggie.

In the days following, I wondered what could be significant about “Maggie Sims.”  Finally, I decided to check if there was a Maggie Sims on LinkedIn.  Yeah, this is the part where things get really weird!

I typed in her name and a bunch of “Maggie Sims” popped up – the first Maggie, though, lives in Texas and is a marketing director. . .for ROOTS sportswear!  WHAT THE???

I get a ROOTS ski cap as a gift.  I sleep with the cap.  I dream about Maggie Sims.  Maggie works for ROOTS – in the non-dream world.  What can I say?  I have been in awe of the “coincidence” / synchronicity of it all. . .and once again, I am invited to remember that there is more to life than I can fully comprehend.

In case you’re wondering, I did go out and buy a lottery ticket – and ended up not matching even one number!

So what does it all mean?  I don’t know.  What I do know, though, is that I’ve been reminded just how easy it is to take the wonder of life for granted.  I want order and predictability.  I want apps that will give organization to my day.  I want food that’s fast.  I want knowledge and connection and gratification that are at my fingertips tapping on a smart phone or tablet.  And all of that is beyond great.  It’s phenomenal really, especially when you know that an olive green princess wall phone and an IBM Selectrix typewriter were the height of my teenaged high-tech world! 

Maggie Sims, though, reminds me that there is so much more to life.

In his play, “Small Craft Warnings,” Tennessee Williams has one of the characters ask this question, “What is the one thing you must not lose sight of in this world before leaving it?  Surprise.  The capacity for surprise.”

Life is full of shocks that can knock us about.  Surprise, though, is something else.  It’s what gives life moments of refreshment and healing.  Surprise can remind us that although life is whacky, it summons us to put forth whatever good we have in us.

If I were a songwriter, I’d probably write a ditty about Maggie Sims, but I’m not. Instead, I’m going to let her challenge me – challenge me to renew my respect for the mystery of life and people. 

I’m resolved to renew my commitment to being curious, to letting go and to being grateful.

Okay, that last sentence really sounds nice, if I do say so, but it masks my frustration.  You see, I want Maggie Sims to hold some lesson for me, some insight that I then can pass on to you, but, I don’t think there is any lesson connected to the dream.

Have I done anything differently since my ROOTS-inspired dream?  Not really.  Should I have?  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I don’t want to live in a numbed state.  I want to live a life that is as vibrant as my dreams.  And maybe that’s Maggie’s gift – a call to renewal.